Maybe Memories

I spent the next few days with Maggie and Daryl, cleaning things up and making repairs on the house. The last thing I had to do was clean out my mom's room, which I was still avoiding. I'd told them there was nothing left to do, and maybe I should have just let them help me go through it, maybe it would have been easier if someone was there to help me, but I convinced myself that after the funeral, this would be easier. Once I got closure at her service I would be able to go into her room and finish what I needed to finish, put the house up for sale, and go home. It wasn't that easy, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

It was funeral day, the one day I'd been dreading since I got the phone call about my mother's passing. The church she'd gone to her whole life set it all up for her, they were so kind and gracious, it made the whole funeral much easier, knowing I didn't have to worry about setting things up and making it perfect. I knew it was my duty as her daughter to set this up, but somewhere in my heart I didn't want that job. I had never been so thankful for a church in my life.

I got there early to make sure everything was ready to go. As I walked in, I could smell the fresh flowers lining the pews, hiding the smell of the old, musty church. I let my eyes wander down the isle, where my mom's coffin sat, beautifully perched on a stage, adorned with lilies and roses that spilled over the dark stained wood that held my mother. I froze, my heart beating out of my chest in the worst way, I felt like I might break down. I wanted to run out of there and never look back, I felt like I couldn't face this, not with the guilt of not coming to see her into my adulthood, not after I'd left her like that. My heart physically hurt and I had to force my feet to carry me forward, fear and panic washing over me like a tsunami.

"You must be Ellie. I haven't seen you since you were a little girl." A man at the front greeted me, nd I vaguely remembered a much younger version of him who used to stand at the front of the church every Sunday and preach. I'd stopped going to church some time before middle school, as my dad thought it was impractical.

"Hi, thank you for all of this." I wanted to make sure he knew how much I appreciated what they had done for her, but it was hard enough to walk, let a lone speak. I felt like I might break any moment but did my best to hold it together.

"It was no problem at all. Your mother was so devoted to our church, its the least we could do." He had a warm smile and a comforting way about him, but I didn't dare step closer. I didn't want to see her, not yet.

I nodded, but stalled. His attention was still toward me, and I felt like he knew I had something to say. I was afraid to ask, but I didn't really know who else to turn to in that moment. "When does this get easier?"

His smile faded as he thought of what to say, but it returned upon him speaking. "I promise you, this day will be your hardest, but God will not give you more than you can handle. Today will be the hardest day, that I know. And in the coming days your grief may not seem to cease, but with each passing day it'll get just a little bit easier. In your darkest moments, turn to your faith, your friends, your family. This is God's plan, and you will be okay. She is with you, always."

I wasn't one for religion, I wasn't against it but my dad kept it from me quite a bit when I was young, and turning to faith seemed impossible, but I nodded anyway and was grateful for his advice. "Is it bad that I don't want to see her?"

"Of course not. Last time you saw her she was alive, that's a memory you hold dear. No matter what, I want you to remember that this service is also for you. You do whatever it is that you need to do to heal. If you would feel more comfortable sitting in the back, then please do so. No one is here to judge you today." I took solace in what he had to say, he made me feel welcome and taken care of in a way.

I noticed some people start walking in and taking seats. "Thank you." I said quietly as I took a seat in the isle I was already standing next to. As people came in, some gave me sympathetic nods, others that I knew better gave hugs and apologies, and everyone else I didn't know personally, I figured they were her friends or members of the church and community that knew her. I was grateful for how many people showed, I hadn't realized how loved she was, and it made me feel just a little bit better.

Maggie came in with her parents, Beth, Jimmy, and Glenn. She sat next to me and gave me a hug. "I know it tough." She said, rubbing my back. "Yer doin' a great job, Ellie." I gave her a weak smile and paid my attention back to the front of the room where a small line congregated in front of the coffin for people to say goodbye. I hadn't held a wake, knowing that wasn't really something my mom would have wanted, but I thought it was a good idea to allow people to see her as she was, as I was sure it helped some people heal and grieve her properly.

Just as the service was about to start, someone abruptly took a seat on my other side, slightly pushing me aside. I was somewhat offended and upset until I looked over into those familiar blue eyes. "You came." I said, tearing up, not expecting to see Daryl there.

"That okay?" He asked, and I couldn't even believe my eyes. He was in jeans, of course, although they weren't ripped and were black so they looked nice, and he put on a button up shirt with a loose tie. It was a shock to see him dressed up, hell, it was a shock that he even showed up.

I hugged him and I could feel my eyes stinging. "Thank you." Was all I could mutter out before the service started. It was so surreal, seeing her pictures standing proud on that stage behind her coffin, seeing everyone gathered there, many of which crying. I could feel the love and sadness in that room, and it only reminded me of how close knit of a community this was, and what I'd been missing out on all these years.

I heard the voice coming from the stage, I could hear what he said but honestly not one word registered to me. I couldn't focus on his kind speech and sweet words of her, I could only focus on staring at the floor, the flowers, anything but that dark, heavy coffin and try to remember to breathe. Looking at it made me feel panic, and I couldn't be hysterical, not in front of all of these people. It was so hard to keep it together, and I didn't even do a good job of it. I felt myself cry, and as hard as I tried to fight it, I couldn't win, and to be honest I could barely keep my mind focused on it. I was a nervous wreck, and I felt like I would be sick. I had to cough, bite my lip, fidget, anything to try to keep my mind away from all of this. I was quickly discovering that funerals weren't my thing, and definitely not my way to heal. I would have been fine without this, but not giving her a funeral was selfish and unfair. And although I felt this would only hinder my healing, it was my duty and responsibility to be there, so I was going to have to suck it up and deal with it best I could.

By the end of the service, I'd barely realized it was over until people started getting up and walking out to their cars to follow to hearse to the cemetery. A few men from the church carried my mother's coffin out, and I walked behind them, Daryl following close behind me. "Ride with me?" I asked, not quite ready to be alone with my thoughts, especially since I had to follow behind the hearse and it only drove about 10 miles per hour and the cemetery was across town. He simply nodded and followed my to my car. I lined up in the procession and waited for everyone to line up behind me.

"I know it probably don't help, but I know how ya feel." He said quietly. I'd almost forgotten that he'd lost his mom too, thought I should have been grateful I got to spend the time I did with mine, and that there was someone else there to love me and take care of me as a kid. Daryl never had that luxury. "It'll get better after this."

I nodded and wiped my tear stained face, grateful for him and his sweet words, I didn't tell him how much I appreciated it, but I think he knew. "I just want to go home." I sighed, my heart feeling so heavy that I could barely sit upright.

"Back to the city?" He asked, and upon looking into his icy blue eyes, I saw a glimmer of sadness, and it wasn't because of the funeral.

"Maybe not that far yet. Just back to mom's." I half smiled, getting a bit of a relieved look from him. That was when I realized that maybe he did miss me when I left, maybe he was actually happy that I was back. He always seemed so nonchalant with me, but with Daryl, you couldn't expect much more than that. He like to pretend he didn't have emotions, but sometimes, and in very little and subtle ways, he'd show me that he had a big heart. "How'd you get through it?" I asked after a few moments of silence.

"Dunno. Guess I leaned on Merle for a while, 'til he kept leavin'." He shrugged, and although it seemed like it didn't bother him, going through that pretty much alone had to have been tough. It was one thing that changed him, that took away his innocence.

"I just feel like I have no one." I sighed, cursing myself for even saying that.

"Thought you was married." He stiffened, like this was a subject that irritated him.

"I am." I said, not really sure where he was going with this.

"Yeah? Then why the hell ain't he here?" He said, calmly giving me a side glance. I stared in front of me at the road, processing his words. Jesse should have been the one in the passenger seat next to me, and the one to hold my hand and let me cry on his shoulder. That was my husband's job. Not Daryl's, but there he was, replacing the man that should have been there all along.

"He's busy at work." It was an excuse I'd used every time I wanted to defend Jesse, and I used to believe it, but when I said it that time, it really did feel like an excuse, it felt empty, like I knew I was covering for him. But for what purpose? Why defend him when he couldn't even take the time to be there when I needed him most? These were points I wanted to make sure I talked to him about.

"Too busy to be with his grievin' wife? Come on Ellie, you never woulda let some guy treat ya like that." I was frustrated with all of this. Ever since I'd left I'd felt more insecure in my marriage than ever, and it wasn't just because of the phone incident. Daryl had said a lot of little things like this to me that I'd never noticed or thought about before, I already knew my relationship wasn't what I wanted it to be, I knew it was a passionless, comfortable thing, but I hadn't realized how much I'd changed for him, to fit in socially in New York, to please him and his co workers. I'd become submissive, and over tolerant. I never stood up for myself and I never said what I really thought. I'd locked myself in some mental cage and never went back to my roots.

"What am I supposed to do?" I asked, almost breathless at this point. I felt like my whole life was falling apart right in front of me, but I had no idea that it wasn't falling apart at all, it was just slowly falling into place.

"This is a fuckin' hard day Ellie. Ya ain't gotta do shit." He shrugged, easing my mind a little. It was better knowing that for today, I didn't have to worry about anything but the funeral, and once that I was over I could go back to the house and try to relax. "But soon, ya gonna have to make hard decisions. Whatever ya gotta do to be happy."

"Do you mean get a divorce?" my heart sank a little, but it wasn't something I hadn't considered for a long time.

"Nah. Not if ya don't wanna. Only if that's what ya want. It ain't bout him and his feelins or whatever. Its 'bout you." I took a deep breath and relaxed. He was right, I couldn't think about how this would make Jesse feel or what it would mean I lost, I had to be happy and I had to fight for it. I knew the time would come where I had to make a decision about my happiness, but I was glad that this didn't have to be that day.

As the procession came into the cemetery, I parked my car and walked with Daryl to the grave site. The coffin was hoisted into the apparatus that would soon ease her down, and even though my heart wasn't ready for it, I had to overcome it. It was all about dealing with this and having my chance to say goodbye, if only in my head. Everyone gathered around, tears flowing and the only sound you could hear for a while was the wind blowing and people sniffing.

Kind words were said all around, and when it came my turn, all I could do was shake my head "no." I looked over at the man from the church I'd talked to earlier, and he gave me a warm smile and nod, as if to tell me it was okay.

After the kind words and sorrowful goodbyes, the casket was lowered into the ground, and as brave as I tried to be, my heart and eyes failed me. I sobbed, so lost in my grief that I barely noticed when a pair of strong arms held me tight. I wept into Daryl's chest, now uncontrollable and inconsolable. All f my regret and guilt bubbled to the surface and I wanted to run, run from my emotions and the horrible scene before me. But as much as I hated this, I needed it. I needed to feel terrible, and to let it out, so it wouldn't consume me later.

The sound of dirt hitting the coffin felt like a permanent goodbye, and it was. I didn't watch anymore, I stayed buried into Daryl, unable and not wanting to move an inch. I tried to steady my breathing but I wasn't doing a great job. I felt like I was having an anxiety attack, and though the arms around me helped, it wasn't fixing it, nothing could. No amount of cure or comfort could help me, and that was the part of me that had to be strong and get through it on my own.

I could hear people start to leave, but I wasn't ready to go for some reason. I wanted to sit there, I wanted to be alone, even if it wasn't entirely good for me to be alone. It was like there was nothing anyone could do or say, not even me, that could ease my mind or help me. I felt lost and frustrated, but a few small words forced me to focus and pulled me back into reality and out of my reeling mind. "Do ya wanna go?"

I looked up at him, relieved he was there for me. "Will you sit with me a minute?" I asked, not even sure why I was asking, I thought I wanted to be alone, but maybe I just wanted to be away from a crowd. He nodded lightly and sat down with me in front of the fresh pile of dirt. "What now?"

"Now ya sit here, and ya do what ya gotta do." His rough voice felt comfortably smooth somehow and I wanted him to keep talking. It kept me form getting lost inside of my head.

I had no idea how long we sat in silence, but when I snapped out of my silent goodbyes, I stood up and took a deep breath. "I'll drive you back to the church so you can get your bike."

"Ya good? Ya sure you're ready to go?" I appreciated his concern, it was more than I could say for my husband, who had yet to contact me again after our last argument.

"I am. Thanks for sitting with me, I'm sorry it took so long." Making him sit there wasn't really my intention, but I couldn't bring myself to deny the company.

"Whatever." He shrugged, which in Daryl speak meant "You're welcome."

The drive back was silent. I dropped him off at the church and went to pull away. I looked back as he threw on a leather vest and loosened the tie he had on and undid the top button on his shirt. He started the bike, and the thought of him driving off, leaving me to go home alone made me sick. I got a burst of courage and jumped out of my car. I ran to him, not even sure what I was going to say. "Will you come over tongiht?" I couldn't believe I was asking this of him, I knew it was probably wrong to do, but I just didn't want to be alone, and Maggie had already gone home.

"What?" He asked, squinting from the setting sun behind me.

"I just don't.. I can't.. Ugh.." I sighed, loosing my confidence. "If you're not busy, I mean. I know I already took up a lot of your day here."

After a moment of him looking at me, as if deciding what to say. "What are ya makin' me for dinner Sunshine?"

I mustered a smile, almost getting emotional, but this time from relief. "Whatever you want Dixon."

He scratched his forehead and looked around, making a decision. "Best have a burger waitin' for me when I get there."

For the first time that day, I genuinely laughed. I wiped my still wet face, god knows how many times I cried that day. "A burger it is. When should I expect you?"

"Gotta run home, make sure Merle ain't gettin' in trouble or somethin'. Shouldn't take too long." He started up his bike and pushed back the kick stand with his foot.

Gave a smile and head back to my car. I watched him drive off, the wings on the back of his vest seemingly more fitting now than ever. He was an angel to me that day, and I had no idea how I would have gotten through it without him.