Maybe Memories

My head was pounding and I felt sick. I leaned on the counter with the phone up to my ear, talking to, or more so listening to, Jesse. I'd gotten a call earlier in the day about his whereabouts, apparently he hadn't been to work in days, nor had he called to let them know he wouldn't be in. I'd finally been able to get a hold of him and it was just excuse after drunken excuse. As often as he assured me he was sober, I knew every time that it was a bold face lie. I could hear the slurring, him stumbling over words which was very unusual for him. He was very obviously going down a bad path and I was too far away to be able to help him.

"Jesse, I need you to stop." I said as I had grown tired of the continuous rants and the way he kept blaming everyone but himself for his absence at work.

"Why? You don't believe me now? You don't believe your own husband?" I missed the days when he wasn't like this. Honestly he hadn't been like this when I left, but apparently once I was gone he turned into a walking party.

"Your excuses are just that, excuses. Your work called me to make sure you weren't missing or dead somewhere. Your coworkers said they drove by the house and you haven't been there. Where have you been? What's going on?" I asked, more concerned than angry at this point.

"They act like they don't know but they do. They know everything." He yawned, not making much sense with what he had to tell me.

"What do they know?" I asked, getting frustrated.

"Wouldn't you like to know. Mind your own business." He scoffed and I had to do everything I could to not yell at him.

"I'm going to be real honest now. I want to know if you're cheating on me. I know you're binge drinking and I know you haven't been staying at home. Are you with another woman?" I had expected him to get mad, but instead he just started sobbing.

"I'm so sorry Angela." He cried, making my heart drop. I felt pained and betrayed, but somehow I didn't feel shock. I wasn't surprised to hear this from him, and it didn't really make me feel overwhelmingly sad either.

"Who have you been seeing?" I asked, calmly.

"Jen, from work." He sniffed, still crying. Jen was a receptionist at his firm. He was cute, I had to give her that, and she seemed nice, but she knew he was married. Hell, she even had lunch with us once. I found it hard to believe that sweet, seemingly innocent Jenny had anything to do with this, but I'd guessed I hadn't known her that well, not as well as I thought I did. "I just missed you and-"

"That's no reason to see someone else Jesse. If you missed me, you'd call every once in a while. You'd take a few days off to come see me instead of taking time off to get wasted and see other women." It sounded harsh, and it was meant to be, but my tone made me sound less than ferocious. "I think we need to take a break."

"No, Angela, please don't. Just come home, we can talk it out." His slurring and mumbling only pissed me off. I was glad he admitted to what I already knew was happening, but I couldn't even think about talking it out and getting over it, not yet anyway.

"We aren't talking this out. You promised to love me and be with me until death do us part, you promised your loyalty to me. You broke those promises, and I won't just talk it out and get over it." I didn't know if it was smart to say this, but I felt like it was time, especially knowing how I already felt and now what he was doing to me. "I want a divorce." I squeaked out, suddenly feeling a wave of sadness and relief. It was strange, I hadn't expected to feel relieved, but I knew I hadn't been happy for a long time. This was just confirmation that he wasn't happy in this either.

"No. I won't sign it. You're stuck, I promise. I'm a lawyer!" He yelled, and I started to wonder if he would even remember we had this conversation.

"You won't be for long if you keep spending days with Jen instead of working." I shrugged, even though he couldn't see me.

"I love her Angela, don't be so harsh." He stuttered out almost.The way he was so sporadic about this threw me off. First I was stuck with him now he loved her? He apparently needed to make up his mind. Although the way he said it, the way he said that he loved her, it bothered me. He was my husband, he was supposed to be saying that about me, he was supposed to sound that passionate when it was my name in his mouth, not Jen's. And I didn't feel jealous or sad about it, just uncomfortable. It sounded so weird and I wasn't sure how to react.

I looked up as Daryl came into the house and shut the door behind him. "Look, I have to go. I need time to think about this." I said, using my own excuse now.

"Okay. I'll call later." He said, sniffing and coughing.

"Make sure you're sober." I spat and hung up the phone. I heled my aching head in my hands and sighed, so conflicted and confused about how I felt that I couldn't even begin to process it all.

"Ya okay?" Daryl asked, leaning against the counter where I stood. I looked over at him, still in his work clothes and covered in oil and dirt. He smelled like gasoline and he looked tired.

"I don't know. Jesse told me he's been seeing a girl from work." It sounded weird coming out of my mouth, especially without any anger or jealousy.

"Oh." He said, he looked a little like he was struggling for something to say. "Ya don't seem too heartbroken."

"I guess I'm not. I mean, I kind of already had an idea. I think we both knew we weren't happy together, it just sucks that it happened like this." I wanted to sleep, to restart and wake with a fresh mind and a less achy head.

"Well are ya still together?" I didn't think much of him asking, nor did I wonder why he cared to know. I was too wrapped up in my own head that I had a hard time focusing on much else.

"I don't know. I told him I wanted a divorce, but he said I wouldn't get one. He also said he'd call back later. I don't know what we are, I mean we're still married obviously. I just don't know if we're separated or not." I shrugged, wishing the conversation had been more clear.

"Sorry to hear it.." He said, although it sounded like he only said it because he felt it was the correct thing to say.

"Yeah." Was all I could say. "I'm going to lay down, okay?" I sulked to my room before waiting for an answer from him. I felt drained and wasn't in the mood to talk. I don't remember falling asleep, but I remember waking up to a light knock on the door.

I ignored it the first time, not ready to face the world yet. I just wanted to be alone. "Ellie?" Daryl's soft voice carried into the room, though I couldn't focus on it, I was still partly asleep.

"Mhmm." I mumbled under my breath, turning over to face the window, my back to the door.

My door creaked open quietly and soon I could feel him sit down on my bed behind me. "Hey, you okay?" His normal gruff voice was hushed and concerned, I wanted to smile but I was plagued by my undying need to lay in self pity, not knowing what to do with myself.

"What time is it?" I asked, my voice coming out groggy and gross.

"7." He answered, sighing. "Ya gonna be up all night if ya don't get up soon." He had a point, but I wasn't sure of how much I cared.

"So?" I felt stupid for feeling so down, but not feeling down would be almost inhuman. Confusion about how to move forward still overwhelmed me and I didn't want to deal with it.

"Don't. Ya ain't getting the days and nights all screwed up 'cause some asshole fucked up." It was a little harsh, and it made me kind of mad.

"He's my husband Daryl, he cheated on me. Let me be sad for a minute." I huffed, pulling the covers up over my shoulders.

"He ain't actin' like a husband if ya ask me. And I know ya don't love each other no more. Not like a married couple should." His attitude made me want to punch him, but deep down I knew he was right, not that I was willing to admit it.

"What the hell would you know about relationships anyway?" I said, spitting venom at him. His silence let me know I hit a nerve and I automatically regretted it. I turned over to find him getting up and starting to leave the room. "Wait, I-"

"Don't bother." He interrupted, shutting the door behind him on his way out.

I planted my face into my pillow and groaned, wondering how my day cold get any worse. I waited a few minutes before swallowing my pride and sneaking into the living room. I expected to see Daryl on the couch but he wasn't there. I went out to the back porch and found him sitting on the steps smoking a cigarette. "Daryl, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"I said don't bother." He repeated, his face looking angry but his eyes were sad. I knew I'd struck a chord, I knew it before I blurted it out, but something inside just snapped and I realized I'd snapped at the only person who seemed to be on my side.

"Look, I didn't mean to say that. I just snapped. I don't know why I even said that to you, you didn't deserve it." I explained anyway, hoping he'd understand.

"Well ya ain't wrong. Relationship aren't my thing, why take advice from someone who don't know what they're talkin' bout?" I hated what I'd just done. His already low self esteem was just validated by me and I wanted to take it back.

"I shouldn't have said that. I was just upset because.. Ugh." I dropped my head into my hands and huffed in frustration. I felt like my problems would never end. "You were right and I didn't like it." I looked up and finally made eye contact with him. He blew smoke from the side of his mouth and looked at me in some kind of skeptical way, but it was a chance to fix things, he was willing to listen. "I'm sorry I said it, I just got so fed up with everything going on. I snapped on the wrong person and I really hope you accept my shitty apology."

He sat silent for a moment, taking another drag and looking out into the yard. He looked back at me with some kind of playful look in his eyes, though his face was emotionless. "I'll forgive ya on one condition." I sat up straight, my interest peaked. "Pick up the damn phone and order a pizza. With breadsticks." He said, making me genuinely laugh for the first time in what seemed like ages. He had a way of doing that, bringing me out of my own head in bad situations.

This pizza and breadsticks habit apparently became our "thing." I liked it though, it was such a simple and easy thing, but it soon became some kind of peace offering or a way to cheer up. "Done and done."

"And I'm pickin' the movie." He half smiled, and I felt beyond relieved. I knew he'd forgiven me too easily, and I knew that what I said still hurt him, and that he wouldn't forget it, but at least he was trying to move past it. I was grateful for his forgiveness.

"Whatever Dixon." I laughed, wrapping my arms around him, giving him a hug. "I really am sorry though." I said quietly.

"Don't worry 'bout it sunshine." He matched my quiet tone and hugged me back, making me feel more safe and comforted than I had probably since our last embrace. I didn't know what it was about him, but there was something there that made me feel secure and happy. His voice felt like a pillow, his arms a blanket, and his embrace a warm bed. It was like hiding under the covers as a kid to protect yourself from the monster in your closet. Letting him go was harder than I expected it to be, and I even shocked myself with the next thing that spewed from my mouth.

"Carry me to the couch?" It was just an excuse to be held longer, and I partly blamed that on the lack of physical touch I'd been dealing with especially as of late, but my heart knew better, I just refused to admit it.

"Fuckin' baby." He smirked, rolling his eyes at me. He stood up and picked me up, carrying me bridal style inside the house and to the couch where he plopped me down on a pillow. He threw the blanket he'd been using over me and handed me the remote. "I'm showerin'. Probably smell like hell. Order the food." He reminded me.

I ordered food and laid on the couch in silence, trying to figure out all of these feelings I had going on in my head. I heard the shower start and my mind wondered to it. I was afraid to let my mind venture very far, but that also made it hard for me to decide how I felt. I closed my eyes and let it all go, but avoided Daryl for the moment. I soul searched best I could, just letting everything fall into whatever place it needed to, without feeling like I was doing something wrong. I was able to accept the fact that my marriage had failed, I was ashamed of it, but it was what it was and I knew I couldn't change it. I felt betrayed, knowing I'd been cheated on, but I also knew our marriage was passionless anyway, and it was almost expected. I wasn't shocked initially and that never changed. I found I didn't feel as terribly heartbroken and a wife should have, but that also went back to the passionless statement. I hadn't been truly happy for a long time and I think I was just starting to accept that and admit it to myself. And Daryl, god Daryl.. He was the man on my mind when I needed to feel okay again. He was so opposite of anything I ever thought I wanted in a man, but simultaneously, he was everything I needed and wanted form Jesse. He was strong, protective, and modest. He had a hidden heart of gold and it was such an attractive thing on him, seeing how rough he was around the edges. And his loyalty to the people he cared about was unparalleled. And even though he thought very little of himself, he was a great catch and I knew women were missing out by not giving him a chance. I wanted to give him a chance myself, I actually found myself wanting him to give me a chance. I cared about him so much, but I was only just then understanding and accepting the way I cared about him. I wanted him in my life, and I wanted him as my partner, and it was bold to say, very bold, but it was becoming the truth. It was becoming my reality and I hadn't even signed papers yet. I hadn't even actually filed for divorce yet. This was happening fast for me, but I soon realized how long this had been building. I'd been in Georgia for a few weeks now, and I definitely still had old feelings from the past, they'd come bubbling to the surface the moment I saw him for the first time after I'd returned. It all seemed to hit me at once, but finally having things figured out and having a clear mind made me feel so much better. I just had a lot on my plate now.

I opened my eyes as I heard the shower turn off. I turned on the Tv and watched it, as if I'd been paying attention the whole time. The bathroom door opened and the door bell rang at the same time. "Got it." He said from behind the couch, grabbing something, probably his wallet, and answering the door. I heard the mumbles of the money/pizza exchange and then the door shut. He came over to me and held out the boxes, expecting me to take them, but upon seeing his glistening, shirtless, chest, I froze. He was wearing pants but he hadn't seemed to completely dry off yet, his hair was messy and dripping water onto his perfectly toned and structured chest and shoulders. His tattoos and scars stood out against the clean skin, but I wasn't put off by them at all, they were just apart of him and made him who he was, and he was gorgeous, let me tell you. "Uh, Ellie?"

"Oh! Yeah, sorry." I grabbed the boxes and quickly sat up, averting my eyes.

"The hell's wrong with ya?" He gave me a confused look and I just shook my head.

"Nothing, just hurry up, the food is getting cold." I refused to look at him, not wanting to stare again, I already felt like a complete moron, I wasn't looking to make it worse. I set the pizza and breadsticks down on the coffee table.

"Whatever." He shrugged and I watched him walk into the laundry room. I laid back and squeezed my eyes shut, dramatically sighing. I hadn't realized he'd come back already and shot up when I felt him sit down. "Ya sure you're good?"

"Yeah, just hungry." I lied, my cheeks burning red. I opened the box and started eating, embarrassed to even talk to him. He put on some old horror movie I'd never heard of and we sat silent for a while.

Just as I was getting into the movie, a part came where that slow, high pitched, creepy music played and I was waiting for a jump scare, and boy did I get one, just not from the movie. Daryl yelled and grabbed my arm, practically making me jump out of my skin. I screamed, making him laugh. "Too easy."

"Fuck you!" I shoved him hard, though is amusement seemed endless. "That's not funny." I whined, even though I was smiling.

"I thought it was!" A smile still spread across his face, and as attractive as it was on him, I wanted to slap it off.

"I'm not laughing!" I taunted, trying not to even smile but failing.

"I can fix that." He suddenly grabbed me and tickled my ribs, making me burst into laughter. I tried to shove him off and struggle away from him, but he was too strong.

"Oh my god! Stop!" I laughed, almost crying. "I hate you! Stop!" I screamed, unaware of how dangerously close we were.

He ended up holding both of my arms down against the couch, looking at me with some kind of victorious demeanor. "Told ya. You're a fuckin' baby."

He was inches from my face and I could barely think, let alone talk. "Yeah. Guess so." I muttered, even though I don't think either of us were even paying attention to dialogue anymore. His smug look vanished and we found ourselves stuck in a situation where anything that happened would either change or define us. Missing this opportunity was like giving up something I didn't know I could have, even though the timing was terrible. I thought about it for a second while I stared into his pretty blue eyes, and I could see he left the invitation open to me, he was letting me decide what I wanted. I was the married one after all, and this was fair of him to do, but I didn't want to be the one to make the decision. I was scared of this happened, but ultimately more scared that this was my only chance..