Maybe Memories

I laid on the couch, Daryl only inches from my face. I thought I my heart might beat out of my chest and fall on the floor, I thought I might pass out from the nerves, I thought my hands would catch fire from their shaking. I closed my eyes and grazed my lips against his, noting how soft and warm they were, unlike what I would have imagined. And just as I was about to completely close the gap between us, a loud banging on the front door jolted us out of our almost kiss.

It scared me at first, not expecting something so abrupt and poorly timed, and I felt like I'd lost my chance. He sat up and let me answer the door after we both exchanged apologetic looks. I opened the door and an officer stood before me, he looked nice enough but I couldn't imagine what business an officer would have with me. "Evenin'." He said, tipping his hat. "I'm Officer Rick Grimes. Sorry to bother ya so late. Lookin' for Daryl Dixon, heard he's been holdin' up here. He around?"

I looked over at Daryl who was listening and looking just as confused as me. "Uh, yeah, he's here. Is he in some kind of trouble?"

"No, not yet anyway. I need to talk to 'em about his brother, Merle. Can I come in?" I wasn't fond of the cops in this area, mostly just because of Shane, but this Rick Grimes seemed nice enough.

"Of course." I said, stepping out of the way and allowing him into the house. "Tea or coffee?" I offered, trying to be nice.

"No, thanks." He sat down on the couch where Daryl was and introduced himself again.

"Yeah. We met." Daryl said, looking suspicious of the cop. His defenses were high and it didn't seem like he was willing to cooperate already.

"So as you may know there's a warrant out for Merle. Ya know where I can find him?" He asked, though he looked slightly intimidated by the man before him.

"Check the house? That'd be a start." I didn't think sarcasm was the right way to go here, but Daryl's loyalty wouldn't allow him to out Merle if he knew where he was.

"Yeah, we stopped by a couple times." Rick said, sighing with impatience. "Look, he's gettin' in some serious trouble and we can't just ignore it. Bringin' some rough people into town. You don't want our safe little town to turn into a drug town, do ya?"

"I don't know where he is. I been here." He crossed his arms and seemed to be mad. Obviously he didn't like being in this situation, I was just worried he'd end up needlessly getting himself into trouble.

"Why is that, exactly?" He asked, leaning in a little closer.

"I ain't gotta tell ya shit about that." He spat at him, getting defensive.

I put a hand on his shoulder and spoke up, not liking where this was going. "I grew up here, me and Daryl were friends before I moved to New York. I'm back in town for a while and he's here helping me sell my moms house." it wasn't a complete lie, but it wasn't the full truth either. I didn't want to bring up the Shane thing again, especially to someone I was sure saw him on a daily basis.

He nodded in approval, jotting something down in a notepad of his. "How long he been stayin' with you?"

"A week or so?" I estimated, and I felt Daryl tense under my touch.

"We've been lookin' for Merle for a few days now, but I think he fled town for a while. I'm sure he'll be back around soon enough, if ya see or hear from him, please let the police station know immediately." He smiled, giving me a nod.

"We'll do that, thank you." I nodded back as he exited the house. "Daryl, you have to play nice with these people."

"The hell I do." He huffed as he sat back on the couch, irritated by the whole thing.

I sat down next to him and touched his arm, making him look at me. "What's Merle gotten himself into now?"

"Drug shit like usual. Sold to a snitch is what he did." He rolled his eyes, probably swearing in his head that he never would have been stupid enough to make that mistake.

"Do you know where he is?" I asked, mostly out of curiosity.

"Nah. Ain't kept tabs on 'em lately. This is what happens when I quit babysittin' him." He looked a little down about it, like he'd failed somewhere.

"He's old enough to look after himself. It isn't your job to babysit him." I sighed, wishing he'd been just a little bit less loyal to him. Merle would only ever drag him down and he refused to see it.

"Yeah. You're tellin' me." Maybe he did see it. Maybe he just didn't want to see another family member leave his life, poor thing was hanging onto whatever he could at this point.

I sat quiet for a moment, unsure of what to say. I wanted to go back to what we were doing before Rick Grimes showed up. I wondered what we'd be doing now had we not been interrupted. "About earlier.." I started, wanting to talk about it, but my timing wasn't great.

"Ain't nothin' to worry about." He said, shrugging it off. Clearly he had other things on his mind and this wasn't the right time to talk about a possible romantic moment between us.

I nodded, staying silent. I felt like he didn't care about it, or that he thought it would be a mistake anyway, and that hurt me a little, but no way was I about to tell him that. "I guess I'll just head off to bed."

"Mhmm." He grumbled, barely paying attention to anything but the carpet he seemed to be glaring at.

I got up and left the room, wishing things hadn't gone like that. I wondered if it was better it had gone that way though. I'd only just gotten the call confirming my suspicious thoughts, I didn't even know for sure if I was getting a divorce, and I was already practically begging a man to kiss me. I felt bad about it, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had been mentally out of this marriage for a long time. I was ready to move on, and as sick as it was, it was true. I wanted to be with someone who actually cared about me and loved me, and why I thought that person could be Daryl, the one man I knew that had never cared enough about anyone to even talk to them, let alone love them, was beyond me. I just knew I'd had buried feelings for him years prior and they never truly went away. I felt like I was in a mess again and had started back at the beginning.

Upon waking up, I heard a banging on the door. I assumed it was the police, due to the events of the night prior. I answered the door, shocked to see Merle waiting there for me. "Merle? That are you doing?"

"Hey there cupcake. Where's my baby brother? Gotta talk to him." He rested his shoulder on the door frame, arrogance radiated from him and I had to roll my eyes.

I looked over to the couch and found it empty, and there was no sign of anyone around but me. "He's probably left for work already."

"Well then ya wanna tell me why the fuzz was over here last night?" He asked, sounding like he was trying to accuse me of something.

"They were here looking for Daryl. They wanted to know where you were, they have a warrant Merle. It probably isn't the best idea to be showing up around here." I warned, not wanting to get caught talking to him.

"Don't ya worry yer pretty little head over it. Ya just keep ya mouth shut if the pigs come back, got it?" He glared a warning and I nodded in response.

"Yeah, fine. Just stay away from this house and we won't have a problem." I didn't want to just agree, but I also wasn't about to be pushed around either.

"Feisty. Alright then, I'm off to the body shop." He turned to walk away, but I grabbed his arm and flipped him around, getting pissed off.

"No! Stay away from him! Do you understand the trouble you're going to get him into if someone sees you with him? Keep him out of this." The threat was in my voice, but not in my words. I had no idea how I was going to get him to leave his brother alone, maybe guilt him into it?

"This is business between brothers girl." He snapped, giving me that infamous, pissed off, Merle Dixon stare down. "You stay out of it. Run along now."

"How long are you going to keep doing this to him?" I was reaching for his attention, reaching for some kind of guilt from him. "How long are you going to keep dragging him down with you? If you want to sell drugs and be an asshole then fine, that's your business, but you use him and make his life hell and you don't even care how it affects him. He can't hold relationships as simple as friendships because of you, he's hostile and he doesn't trust anyone, also because of you. Do you have any clue what you do to him? He has to babysit you like a little kid because when he doesn't you end up in jail. He's spent his whole life doing nothing but protecting you and trying to earn your respect. He loves you, and I have no idea why. You use his love against him. It's no wonder he doesn't get close to people."

"Oh? He tell ya all that?" He sounded like he was trying to keep his cocky demeanor, but he looked a little shaken.

"He didn't have to. Can't you see it in his eyes every second of the day? Can't you see that he's broken on the inside? It's bad enough, what happened to your parents, but you weren't there for him. You ran like a coward and left him there, alone, with your god damned abusive father." I felt like I could cry, but giving him that satisfaction was not an option. I didn't know what made me burst like this, but I'd wanted to tell him things like this for ages, it felt amazing to slap him in the face with truths Daryl would never tell. "You didn't even ask him if he was getting beat up like you did, or if he needed help getting away. And its no different now, you still do whatever you want and then abandon him. You leave him your messes to clean up, and he covers for you every time. And you continue to use him and fuck him up more and more, every single time you feel the need. There is a line and you crossed it years ago, and you don't even care. He's your brother, Merle. Your little brother who you used to play outside with, who you used to protect when things got bad at home, you used to go into his room at night when your parents were fighting, and you'd tell him that things were going to be okay. What happened to that person? That's the person Daryl deserves in his life after everything your parents put you through. He doesn't deserve the bullshit you hand to him on a daily basis." I took a second to breathe and calm down, I hadn't meant to explode like that but by the look on Merle's face, he needed someone to explode on him. "So like I said, leave him out of this. Leave him out of your drug bullshit. He's better than this, don't drag him down a shitty path because you know he's loyal enough to follow you."

He crossed his arms and looked furious, but he took a second to think before responding. "G-girl.." He stuttered, looking totally unsure of himself. "You ain't.. Ya don't know shit." I was sure he'd meant to say it with more authority, more conviction, but he just looked lost and confused. He got back into his old beat up truck and left without another word.

I slammed the door, angry that he couldn't just admit that he was wrong, but my anger quickly subsided and turned to embarrassment when I looked up and noticed Daryl leaning against the wall by the entrance to the kitchen. "Daryl, I-"

"Why'd ya do that?" I couldn't read the look on his face, it was impossible to have any idea what he was thinking.

I thought for a second and said "I don't know, I guess.. I was just so tired of him pulling you into his mess. I want him to know what he's done to you. Don't you?"

He nodded, looking more vulnerable now, though like he had a lot on his mind. "I ain't ever had anyone defend me like that before."

"I know you can defend yourself, but you just weren't and-"

"Shut up." He interrupted, immediately silencing me. "Thanks."

I was taken aback by his behavior, I expected him to be outraged, I expected a fight, but he was so calm and okay with it. I think a part of him wanted to say something like that to him for years, he just could never find his voice. "Of course."

He gave me a small nod and stepped outside on the back porch. My mind was everywhere and my heart was beating fast. I didn't really know what had just happened, but I hoped it was for the better. I hoped Merle would change, or that Daryl would let him go, but I knew that bond would be much harder to break than that.

I glanced out the window at Daryl, he was sitting on the steps like he always did when he smoked, but he held his head in his hands, obviously he had a lot on his mind, he looked tired and overwhelmed. Normally I would have gone out and tried to help, but I had done more than my share of helping, this part he either needed to do on his own or ask for help. His spirit had been broken long before he'd even hit adulthood, but now, another piece of him seemed to crack, and it was his certainty in his brother. I think he learned, in that moment, that the loyalty and respect her showed his brother was not reciprocated, and it never would be. It hurt him, and seeing Daryl hurt was like watching a child's heart break into a million pieces, it always reminded me of what it was like after his mom died. This wasn't much different, he felt himself losing another person, and I was determined to show him that he wasn't alone, even though I knew he'd felt like the last person on earth sometimes. I would show him I would be there for him, in any way he needed, even if he just needed a friend to eat pizza with. I promised myself that I wouldn't leave Georgia again without knowing he was okay, without knowing for a fact that he was happy. No matter how long it took.