Can't Find My Way Back to You

Alex, it seems, is always alone.

Well, not exactly alone. And not exactly always. Alex goes to school, and his school is pretty big. Therefore, he’s not always alone. And while he doesn’t have friends and rarely interacts with anyone besides his parents (mainly his mom because his dad works a lot), he’s not unhappy. In fact, he likes being alone.

Like now, as he’s lying on his old Rugrats blanket from the nineties in his backyard, staring at the stars. If there’s anything that Alex has always loved, it’s space. He loves the vastness, the uncertainty, the utter freedom. He even loves the darkness. Space is everything Alex wants to be. He wants to be free, and in control.

Alex knows every constellation by heart, and has long since been able to identify them without help from an app. He loves how they light the sky up and how he can always find them. Like Sagittarius, the archer, the center of the universe. Alex is a Sag, so ideally, this would be his favorite constellation. But it’s not. No, Alex loves Gemini, the twins, the two brightest stars in the Universe. The center of Alex’s universe. Because Jack is a gemini. It’s the constellation that he looks for every day when he lies outside on his Rugrats blanket. It’s the one that gives him so much joy, but also reminds him of the worst thing that ever happened to him.

Every single day is a challenge for Alex. If he’s lucky, no one at school talks to him and just ignores him. Sometimes Alex feels completely invisible, and while that hurts, it’s much better than the alternative. If he isn’t being ignored, he’s being tormented. It’s pretty stereotypical, really, for the skinny gay kid to get picked on and beat up by the jocks of the school. But that’s what happens. Alex has to navigate the halls with eyes in the back of his head and his breath held. But of course, if they don’t catch him at school, they’ll catch him on his walk home.

His mom always cleans his wounds and ices his bruises and says, “they’re just jealous, baby. Don’t let them get you down.” But it’s hard for Alex to understand why anyone in their right mind would be jealous of him. Thin, lanky, plain, nerdy, and gay. Who wants to be that? Not even Alex wants to be Alex.

Today was okay, though. It was one of the days that everyone ignored him and so, he was able to do his daily tasks in peace. But then again, not even his teachers seemed to notice him and it made him wonder if he really is invisible. He’s too afraid to ask anyone otherwise. He walked to school alone, went to his classes alone, ate lunch alone, went to more classes alone, and then he walked home alone.

As it reaches midnight, Alex folds up his blanket and begins to head back into his house. His parents are asleep, of course. His dad always go into work early and his mom gets up with him so that she can make him breakfast. Alex doesn’t really like breakfast and usually skips it. He has school tomorrow, but he won’t be going to sleep anytime soon. He just can’t.

He goes upstairs to his room and strips down to his boxers. They’re cotton and his favorite color, pale blue. He slides into his bed and pulls the covers up to his chin. He closes his eyes, but he doesn’t sleep. He never does this early, and anyway, he has a lot to ponder tonight.

Alex saw Jack today. Not that he doesn’t see him pretty much daily, but today was different. Jack was with Tiffany. It seemed like she was even blonder and tanner than the day before. Alex had no idea how she did it, but she grew more gorgeous by the minute. It’s no wonder Jack wants her and not Alex. Well, there’s a lot more to it than that, but Alex is certain that their appearances have at least something to do with it. He knows that he isn’t very attractive, just ordinary. Meanwhile, Tiffany is tall and blond and beautiful, with sparkling blue eyes and a body to die for. Alex is basically a stick, with a bit of pudge in his middle. The only inch of fat that Tiffany has on her body is in her breasts and ass, the two places they’re supposed to be. So yeah, she’s way more beautiful than Alex could ever dream of being. And she’s not the stereotypical bitchy airhead, either. She’s sweet and smart and just an overall really great person. Alex, on the other hand, is shy and moody, and is only really good at English. And he doesn’t exactly do great in that class, either. Everyone loves Tiffany, except Alex, of course. She’s everything that he’s not. Tiffany always sees the glass half full and Alex is lucky to see droplets.

But yes, Alex often sees Jack. In fact, he pretty much sees Jack every day. But the difference between those days and now is that usually Jack ignores him. He behaves like everyone else, as if Alex is invisible. But today, he looked at Alex. Jack and Alex locked eyes, for a long moment. Alex didn’t dare look away and he stopped right where he stood. Jack’s expression quickly went from surprise to an infuriated glare, until he softened and his eyes just turned sad. It turned Alex’s stomach and made his eyes water.

Alex knew that he had fucked up before. He’d fucked up really, really badly. But that didn’t mean that he didn't miss Jack horribly and the hole in his heart was gaping and miserable. It’s why he can’t sleep at night and why he cries so much at night, too. It’s why everyone at school picks on him and why Jack hates him and wishes that he were dead. Alex doesn’t blame him. He wishes that he were dead a lot of the time, too.

As quickly as Jack’s eyes met Alex’s, they were snapping away, smiling at something Tiffany was whispering to him in quiet giggles. Alex wanted to believe that it was about him, but he knows that it wasn’t. He’s irrelevant to Tiffany. She has absolutely no reason to worry about the weird gay kid. She doesn’t even really know that Jack and Alex…have a history. Alex is sure that Jack doesn’t want her to know.

He closes his eyes and he tries hard to fall asleep, but he can’t. Tears slip down his cheeks and he whimpers quietly, though he tries not to. His heart feels like it’s bursting from his chest and his stomach is starting to burn. When he gets like this, he’s completely inconsolable and he has no way to control it. He’s tried a myriad amount of things that people his age do, but he hasn’t had much luck. Alcohol makes him sick, most of the drugs around Towson are mediocre at best, and the really dangerous stuff (binging and purging and cutting) are just too extreme for him. He knows that that way, it would just be too easy to ‘slip up’ and kill himself. He doesn’t want to break his parents’ hearts.

Around 3 a.m., Alex finally sleeps. It’s restless and dreamless, but it’s still sleep. His alarm goes off at 6:30, but he hits snooze a couple times, effectively making himself late. He doesn’t have time for a shower, so he just brushes his teeth and gets dressed. He runs his fingers through his hair and then plunks a beanie on top of it. It’s against the school’s dress code to wear hats of any kind, but he doesn’t care at the moment. Either he’ll take it off later or forget to and get detention. Whatever.

He grabs his backpack and then starts the trek to school, wondering if he’ll get beat up later or not. It’s chilly outside and Alex is just wearing a thin jacket, so he’s shivering. He throws the hood over his head and wraps his arms around himself, Usually, he's left alone until he arrives at school, so his walk is pretty peaceful. Today, it even starts slowing very lightly. Alex loves snow, too. But when Alex sees three familiar faces from school, he knows that his walk is going to be anything but peaceful.

All three of them play football at his school, and if he thought hard enough about it, he could probably remember their names. But he doesn’t have time to because they barrel toward him. Alex freezes and squeezes the straps of his backpack.

“Sup, faggot?” the burliest one asks as he invades Alex’s space.

Alex tries to keep walking, but the other two block the sidewalk. He squeezes the straps until his knuckles turn white and he grits his teeth.

“I’m just trying to go to school,” Alex croaks, swallowing thickly.

One of the smaller ones laughs, throwing his head back. “Right, you’re probably headed to like…a gay bar or something!”

The biggest one didn’t like what the smaller one said, apparently, because he smacked the back of the guy’s head. “Shut up, idiot!” he exclaimed.

As this was going on, Alex was trying to find a way around them. However, they were quick to block his way again. “Please let me go,” he whispered.

The big one laughed and shook his head. “Listen, little girl. You know what we do to fags around here.”

Alex did know. He experienced it every single day.

Before Alex could even respond, a fist collides with his face. He yelps and falls against the sidewalk, scraping his hand. He whines and looks up, only to be kicked in the side. His head hits the concrete and he closes his eyes, moving his arms up to shield his face and head. It’s all that he can do now.

He feels boots and sneakers all over his stomach, knees, and ankles. He stiffens and tries to just
wait for it to be over. But suddenly, it stops and the other guys are screaming. He dares to look up and
he’s surprised to see a familiar car parked beside them. His heartbeat speeds up and he isn't sure
whether it’s from excitement or fear.

“Get the fuck away from him!” Jack Barakat screams, hopping out of his car.

Alex sits up, a confused expression on his face.

“Jack, what the hell are you doing?” the burliest guy says.

Jack glares and steps forward, getting so close to the guy’s face that their noses are almost
touching. “Just leave the kid alone and go to school,” he says. “He hasn’t done anything to you, Chad.”

Chad looks as confused as Alex does. “But Jack…Dude, the guy’s a faggot.”

“How do you know that?” Jack snaps. “Has he told you that?”

“Well, no-” Chad begins.

Jack interjects, “exactly! You can’t fucking know. And even if he was gay, why does it matter so
much to you?”

Chad looks speechless; Alex is stunned.

“Is your masculinity so fragile that the prospect that someone might be anything other than
straight makes you nervous? Are you afraid of gay people, Chad?” Jack snarls.

Chad glares at Jack, shaking his head angrily. He reminds Alex of a rabid dog. “Do you know just
who the fuck you’re talking to, Barakat?”

Jack cocks his head and then snorts. “Yeah. You bet your ass I do. Like I said, go to school.”

Alex is sure that there’s going to be a brawl and that he and Jack are both going to get their asses kicked. But to his surprise, Chad’s shoulders slump and he rolls his eyes. “Come on, guys. Let’s go to school,” he says in an almost mocking tone. Jack ignores him, though, and as the three bullies begin to walk away, Jack reaches a hand out toward Alex.

Again, Alex freezes. He hasn’t talked to Jack in almost a year, let alone touched him. And now, Jack is offering him his hand as if it’s the most natural thing ever. Gulping, Alex takes his hand and allows Jack to help him to his feet. As he does so, a wave of electricity passes through his hand.

His mouth feels like sandpaper and his body is hurting in multiple places, but he’s dying to know what’s up with Jack. “What was that?” he squeaks, staring up at the older boy.

Jack doesn't even hesitate to answer. “I saw Chad and Nick and Brian coming over here, which
was weird. They skip school a lot, but it isn’t like them to be on this street. Then…I remembered that
you live here, so it got me thinking.” He shrugs. “And now here I am.”

Alex nods and looks away. It’s obvious that Jack wanted to save him, but he doesn’t understand
why. Jack hates him. But he doesn’t get a chance to ask him.

“You’re bleeding,” Jack says, concern evident in his voice.

“What?” Alex asks, furrowing his brow.

Jack points to Alex’s head, so Alex touches the spot. He feels a warm and thick wetness that had
not been there before and he nods. “Oh.”

Jack sighs, jamming his hands into his pockets. “Okay, come on.”

Alex frowns, a jolt of anxiety running through his body. “Uh…okay.” He follows Jack to his car and
then gets into the passenger seat. Jack hands him a jacket and Alex is confused.

“For your head,” Jack says softly.

Alex feels stupid and presses the cotton against his head. It doesn’t feel good at all.

Jack drives him back to his house just as his mom is leaving to run some errands. Which Alex
believes to have been pretty pointless, because Alex wasn’t too far from his house anyway. But he
appreciates it nonetheless and if it means he gets to spend time with Jack, he’ll take it.

“Jack Barakat!” Isobel exclaims, rolling her window down. “I haven’t seen you in ages, darling.”
Her accent is thick and Alex swears that it makes Jack’s eyes twinkle.

Jack smiles sheepishly. “Hey, Mrs. G.”

“What are you two doing out of school?” Isobel asks, her eyes trailing back over to Alex. “Alexander, you’re bleeding!”

“Yeah,” Alex says, biting his lip. “But I’m okay.”

Jack nods and Alex prays that he doesn't tell his mom that he’s been getting beat up. He doesn’t want his parents to know. “He tripped and hit a rock, but he’s all right. I just brought him home so that he can get cleaned up.”

“Maybe I should stay and take care of you,” Isobel says, frowning deeply.

Alex doesn’t want that. He wants Jack to take care of him. But he wouldn’t blame him if he bolts now and never talks to Alex again.

“No, it’s okay,” Jack says. “I’ve got him.

Isobel hesitates before nodding. “Oh, all right. I do have a meeting in fifteen minutes. Besides, it makes me happy to see you two spending time together again. We’ve missed you, Jack, sweetie.”

Alex smiles softly. She doesn’t know how true that statement really is.

“I’ve missed you guys, too, Mrs. G.,” Jack says with a wave. Alex knows that Jack is just talking
about his mother and father. Of course he hasn’t missed him.

“Goodbye,” Isobel calls out the window as she pulls out of the driveway. It isn’t long before her little white car disappears and Alex is fiddling with his keys, trying to unlock the door. In his haste, he drops the keys and fights back tears. His head hurts and Jack is so close that he’s getting frustrated.

Jack leans down and picks up the ring of keys. “It’s this one,” he says, holding up a specific key and smiling. “Calm down. It’s okay.”

Alex blushes and opens the door, leading Jack to the kitchen. Jack goes straight over to their medicine cabinet and takes out the supplies necessary to take care of Alex’s injuries. His head has pretty much stopped bleeding and so Jack just sprays it and his hand with disinfectant before putting Neosporin on both of them. He then places a bandaid over each one. As he turns his back to grab some ibuprofen, Alex takes a deep breath. Having Jack’s skillful hands on him again had made his heart pound and his ears ring.

“Here,” Jack says softly, handing him the pills and the glass of water. Their fingertips brush and Alex clamps his mouth shut so that he won’t whine or sigh. He doesn't trust himself.

“Thank you,” Alex whispers as he takes the medicine. He then leans back in his chair, closing his eyes. It’s quiet for a few moments because Alex has no idea what to say. He also doesn’t want to scare Jack off. He knows Jack will probably leave soon, but he wants him there for as long as he can keep
him.

“Yeah, of course,” Jack finally says, leaning against the wall across from Alex.

Alex smiles softly at Jack’s awkwardness. “You can sit down,” he says, gesturing toward the chairs.

Jack shrugs before shaking his head, effectively breaking Alex’s heart. “I…uh, I should probably go soon.”

“Are you gonna go to school?” Alex asks softly.

“Nah,” Jack replies, crossing his arms, just reminding Alex of how thick the tension in the air is.

“Oh,” Alex says with a nod. “Well, um…My mom can write you a note to excuse you, if you want. I’m gonna stay home today. I don’t really see a reason to go now.”

Jack shakes his head. “I don’t understand why you let those guys push you around the way that you do.”

Alex is surprised. He’d previously thought that Jack hadn’t paid enough attention to him to know that he got beat up. He shrugs and looks away. “I…I dunno. I can’t really fight.”

“You’ll never learn if you don’t try,” Jack says. “You can’t let people hurt you like that. You’ve got to stand up for yourself.”

Alex swallows hard and then looks back up at Jack, fighting back tears. “Why do you even care?” he asks bitterly.

Jack shrugs, what appears to be a hurt expression on his face. “Y’know, I don’t have a clue. I shouldn’t. Should I?”

Alex bites his lip and blinks, a few tears falling down his cheeks. “No.”

“Why are you crying?” Jack asks, softening. He walks over to Alex and puts a hand on his hip. He keeps his distance though.

“I’m pathetic,” Alex says finally, sniffling and wiping at his nose. “But I know that it’s my fault. You should just go, Jack. I know you’d much rather be with Tiffany.” Alex wishes that a black hole would open up right below him and just swallow him. He can’t take this. He just can’t.

Jack sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry that I upset you, Alex. And I understand that I shouldn’t have shut you completely out of my life the way that I have. But you’ve got to understand where I’m coming from.”

The truth is, Alex does. He’s put himself in Jack’s shoes a million times and he knows with every fiber in his being that what he did was unforgivable. But what Jack doesn’t understand was that Alex was hurting, too.

Jack and Alex had been best friends since seventh grade, having bonded over music and video games. And since then, Alex had had a giant crush on Jack.Thankfully for him, Jack had a pretty big crush on Alex, too, and a sleepover one night in ninth grade had them giggling in Alex’s bed and led to their first kiss. It was both of their first kisses, which made it extra special. From that moment, they decided to be boyfriends. But secret boyfriends, of course. No one could know because they would most certainly be teased and beaten up. For years, this situation worked.

But as they grew older, the more tired Alex got of hiding their relationship. Jack really blossomed and became handsome and athletic, and while this never affected how he treated Alex and how he felt about him, it made girls take notice. Their peers wondered why Jack never dated, or at least slept with, the beautiful cheerleaders and pageant girls that gave Jack their number. The girls at their school constantly flirted with Jack, and so as to not out himself, Jack often flirted back. And while Alex knew that Jack loved him, he couldn’t help but be jealous.

“I’m just being nice,” Jack would tell Alex as he pulled the smaller boy into his arms and pepper
the top of his head with kisses. “You know I can’t just tell them I’m taken.”

“They’ll ask who she is, and then you’ll have to make up some elaborate lie,” Alex would finish with a sigh as he nuzzled his face into Jack’s neck. “I know.”

“I love you,” Jack would whisper into Alex’s ear. It never failed to make shivers go down his spine.

And while Alex did his absolute best to not be jealous, he couldn’t help it. Jack was his and he couldn’t tell anyone otherwise. He was sick of it. He couldn’t even tell his parents. Jack was too afraid
that they would in turn tell his parents. And they were very homophobic.

It wasn’t like what Alex did was planned. He would have never conspired against Jack in that way. But he saw his opportunity when it came and he took it, regardless of how wrong of him it was.

It was their junior year. Alex had came to Jack’s house with him after school, as he often did. They were planning on tackling some of their math homework together. But of course, they’d gotten preoccupied with Jack sitting in Alex’s lap and they’d ended up just making out a lot. Jack had heard when his father’s car pulled into their garage and he urged Alex to sit beside him instead of on top of him.

“But why?” Alex whined, leaning down to kiss Jack again.

Jack pushed gently at Alex, frowning. “Because I don’t want my dad coming in and seeing us.”

“He’s not gonna come upstairs,” Alex whispered, running a hand through Jack’s hair. “Just kiss me.”

Jack glared at Alex. “I said no. Get off of me.”

Alex pouted and began to kiss Jack’s neck. “Please, Jacky. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Jack said calmly. “Now, please get off of me.”

Again, Alex ignored Jack and just threw his arms around him, burying his face in his neck. That, of
course, was the moment that Jack’s bedroom door swung open.

“Hey, Jack, did you happen to-” Bassam stopped mid-sentence and his eyes grew wide and angry. “What the fuck is this?”

Jack pushed Alex off of him and Alex blushed, crawling to the end of the bed. “It’s nothing, Dad.”

“It didn’t look like nothing!” Bassam exclaimed, stepping into the room. “Alexander, I think it’s time that you went home.”

“But-” Alex protested, not wanting Jack to get in trouble.

“Now,” Bassam said, his eyes wild.

Alex obeyed, collecting his things and all but running out of the house. Despite constant calls, texts, and snapchats, Alex didn’t hear from Jack until the next day at school.

He wasn’t bruised or beaten, but he looked defeated. Alex hadn’t have been worried about Bassam beating Jack. He was just worried about this meant for their relationship.

“Hey,” Alex whispered, approaching him. “Are you all right.”

Jack shrugged, biting his lip. “They made me tell them everything.”

“Are they gonna call my parents?” Alex asked, frowning.

Jack shook his head. “They don't want anyone to know. They think I’m sick or something.”

Alex frowned even more. “Well, that’s stupid. But at least they know now, right?”

Jack snorted, an angry glare on his face. “What the fuck, Alex? You know just as well as I do why I couldn’t tell them. It isn’t okay that they know. They don’t want me to speak to you anymore.”

Alex’s heart sank. “You…You can’t do that,” he said desperately. “Jack, you know that I just wanted us to be able to be together and not have to hide it, right?”

Jack shook his head, still glaring. “What I know is that I asked you to do one thing and you were too fucking selfish to do it. You just want control, Alex. That’s all you ever want. You couldn't stand the fact that you couldn’t have what you wanted.” His eyes filled with tears, just as Alex’s did.

“No, Jack, please!” Alex exclaimed with distraught. “Just listen to me-”

“You’ve said enough,” Jack interjected. “And you know what? I think my parents are right.” He gave Alex one last glare before walking away. And those were the last words that he spoke to Alex.

“I have,” Alex says finally, biting his lip. “And I was wrong. I was so very wrong.” He sniffles as more tears slip down his cheeks. “But Jack, I just…I love you so much and I was sick of not being able to show that. I know I went about the wrong way, but it came from my heart.”

Jack rolls his eyes, shaking his head. “You weren’t there after. You don’t understand. You can’t. My dad wanted to send me away to some kind of conversion therapy campy. He wouldn’t speak to me for months and months. My mom cried constantly. I felt like I had ruined my entire family. You don’t know what that’s like.”

Alex’s heart breaks for Jack and more tears slip down his cheeks. He hates that Jack had to go through that and he hates that he caused it even more. He never wants Jack to hurt. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, wiping away his tears. “If I’d have known, I would have never done it.”

Jack sighs and sits down beside Alex. “I’m sorry that I had to keep us a secret, but you see now why I did. And I’m sorry that it hurt you.”

Alex nods, wiping at his eyes even still. “But don’t worry. I got my punishment. Everyone at school either hates me or never talks to me. And you don’t love me anymore. That’s the worst part.” He starts to cry again and puts his face in his hands.

“Who said I don’t still love you?” Jack asks softly, putting a hand on his shoulder.

Alex’s heart flutters in his chest and he sniffs, pulling back to look at Jack. “Wh-what?”

Jack shrugs, a small smile on his face.

“But…Tiffany?” Alex asks, wiping his face with his sleeve.

“Tiffany isn’t you,” Jack says sheepishly. “She isn’t you. You might have messed up pretty bad, but you’re still it. I still love you.”

Alex swears that he can feel something inside of himself begin to mend. “Y-you do?” he asks.

“I do,” Jack says softly. “But the thing is, Alex, just because I still love you doesn't mean anything. You still hurt me really badly. And you didn’t respect me enough to keep from outing us to my parents. I don’t know that I can trust you.”

“Of course,” Alex whispers, feeling the mended part rip again. He didn’t know why he’d gotten his hopes up to begin with. He clears his throat and tries to swallow his tears. “But I’d give anything to be with you again. Absolutely fucking anything, Jack. I love you so much.”

“I know,” Jack says softly.

Alex dares to look at Jack again, his breath automatically taken away when their eyes meet. “Wh-
what about Tiffany?” he whispers as Jack takes his hand.

“She’s sweet,” Jack says softly. “And I think she’s known the whole time that my heart’s with someone else. But even so, it’s gonna suck breaking up with her. I know I have to, though. It’s not fair to her.”

Alex’s ears perk up. “You’re gonna break up with her?” he asks softly.

“Yeah,” Jack replies with a small smile. “I can’t date two people, now can I?”

Alex’s face lights up with relief. “Really?”

Jack nods, pulling Alex into his arms. “I can’t be without you anymore. I just can’t. But Alex, if we
try this again, you’ve got to promise me that you won’t do things that I ask you not to do. I’m still working on my relationship with my parents. I’m going to tell them about us, because it’s not fair to you not to. But please. Be patient.”

Alex clings to Jack, burying his face in his neck. “I will. Fuck, Jack, I will. I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll be whatever you need.”

“I know you will,” Jack says with a smile, kissing the top of his head. “And I’m gonna be the same to you.”

That night, Jack lies outside with Alex on his Rugrats blanket. And when Alex begins to show him the constellations, Jack says that Sagittarius is his favorite.