Gold

The first time I actually thought about if I was really a girl or not was in my freshman year of high school. Of course I had thoughts about my gender beforehand, but that particular day was the day I actually found out that I was a boy after all.

- five years ago (9th grade) -

"Janette! Hurry up! We're gonna be late to gym!" My friend, Zack, waited for me to get my gym stuff. I rolled my eyes at him using my full name. I know it's not his fault, but I hated my name. I always felt more content with being called Jack for short, which is something only my parents and Zack did, when he remembered to.

"That's not my name," I replied. I got my stuff and closed my locker.

"Okay, Jack. Gees." Zack said while chuckling, "Let's go play video games while watching porn and doing other things boys do." He sarcastically said. I rolled my eyes jokingly while internally getting offended by what he said. I actually wouldn't mind doing those things...I already do both on a regular basis.

"Shutup," I snapped, but smiled after so he wouldn't get offended. We walked to the gym before we were late. I always hated this class. The girls would always give me shit for wearing basketball shorts and a white tee, and not pink gym shorts and a tank top like most girls are supposed to do. It annoyed me so much.

I tried to weave my way into the girls locker rooms so no one would notice me. I really wasn't in the mood to take shit from anyone today. My locker was located in the corner so no one would bother me. Sadly for me, the two idiots had to walk up to me while I was putting my shorts on.

"Bro, the boys locker room is next door." One of them, Tay, said while mimicking a boys voice. Everyone else started laughing with her. I rolled my eyes and pulled up my shorts. They did this every day, thinking that I'll magically disappear. I actually wish I could go in the boys locker room. They probably won't give me shit for being in there. I actually clicked with more guys than girls at this school, and moments like this remind me why. Girls can be so bitchy.

"Yeah, I know that. I'm pretty sure we all knew that except you, Tay." I said while looking for my top. The whole locker room erupted in 'oohs' while chattering again. Tay scoffed while staring me down.

"Whatever, boy. You don't belong in here." She said while pushing me. It wasn't forceful to knock me over, but it had an impact. It wasn't often that I actually spoke up, but I wasn't taking her bullshit today.

"Oh, is someone sad over the fact that I'm closer to all of your boy crushes then you are? Maybe being a 'boy' has its perks." I pushed her back. I was only half serious about what I said. I've always pondered over what it would be like to actually be a boy, and it became something I've secretly wanted for a while now.

"Are you serious? No one talks to me like that." She said while deadly glaring at me. Oops, I guess I pissed her off...totally didn't do that on purpose.

"Yeah, no one talks to Tay like that," the other girl, Jenna, said beside her.

"Well guess what? I just did. Now if you mind, I have to put the rest of my clothes on." I said while putting my white tee on. Tay chuckled while rolling her eyes.

"You're gonna pay sooner or later for that." Tay said while finally walking away. People like her make me wish I was in a private school. Then again, I wouldn't have Zack as a friend. Anyways, I put the rest of my clothes up, and quickly got out of there. When I did, I saw a girl with greenish-blonde hair looking at me. She smiled and chuckled. I raised an eyebrow at her in confusion.

"Oh, sorry. I just love how you're so...different from other girls at this school. I think that's rad." She said while smiling again. I smiled back. No one ever told me that. It was nice to hear someone, specifically a girl, tell me that.

"Thanks...do I know you?" I asked while tying my hair up in a bun. She looks familiar, but she also doesn't?...it's weird.

"Probably not. I'm Hayley." She said while giggling. I loved how optimistic she is. "By the way...I personally think those girls are assholes. So what if you dress like a boy?" She said while shrugging her shoulders.

"Thanks..." I said while practically beaming. No one had ever actually accepted how I acted or dress. This was so new. I just remembered that she probably doesn't know my name. I was about to tell her, but I realized that this was actually the first person I met that didn't give me shit about how I acted at all. I mean, there was my parents, but my mom and I occasionally got in arguments because I would always wear sneakers, or refused to wear heels, or something along that line. Then there's Zack, who doesn't mind it at times, but occasionally gives me shit for it too. He doesn't mean to do it though, which is why he's my best friend. But Hayley, I'm assuming she knows how I act and she seems happy about it.

"I'm Ja...Jack. I'm Jack." I said while nodding. If someone accepts me acting like a boy, maybe it wouldn't be too bad to actually become one....I guess.

***

That was the first day I actually went by boy pronouns. I told Hayley I was one to see her reaction, and she actually respected my wishes. She never called me Janette, and she never referred to me as a...she. It made me realize I actually really was more of a boy than a girl. It wasn't until senior year that I actually started slowly passing as one though.

- two years ago (12th grade) -

"Jack!" Hayley shouted, waiting on me so we can leave for school. Hayley hasn't seen me all weekend and since then, I've cut my hair and started wearing a chest binder, something my mom didn't want me having. I don't know how Hayley would react, but I feel like she'll be fine with it. Zack however...that's a different story. We're still the closest of friends, but he still doesn't know that I'm...well...a boy. I officially considered myself one two years ago, and the only person that knew that was Hayley. When all three of us were around each other, Hayley would respect my wishes by treating me like a girl so Zack wouldn't get suspicious. Now however, I can't really hide that.

"I'm almost ready!" I said while looking in the and smiling at myself. I actually don't look feminine for once. I frowned again because I don't know how people will treat me at school. I already get shit from Tay and Jenna everyday, and now it's going to be even worse. Luckily I don't take P.E this semester...but that won't change anything. I contently sighed while opening the door to see an impatient Hayley. It's almost like she didn't even notice I changed.

"Jack! Do you know how late we're going to...oh my god, Jack!" She said with her mouth agape. I gave her a sly smile.

"It's not that big of a deal, Hay-"

"Dude, you look...like a dude! Don't you dare tell me that this isn't a big deal. It's a huge deal!" She exclaimed. She was always overly hyped about little things like this, so I wasn't surprised at how overjoyed she was at the moment. "Wait...what about Zack?" She said the question that I wanted to avoid. I sighed and looked dumbfounded.

"I don't know...I don't think he'll like it," I honestly answered.

"I'm pretty sure he'll love it. Besides, you guys are adorable." Hayley said while pinching my cheek. I attempted to swat her away.

"Gross. Let's get to school." I said while walking out of the house. At least one person will always accept me.

***

That was one of the best-worst days of my life. luckily Tay and Jenna didn't even recognize me to bully me, but Zack...did. He gave me shit for 'wanting' to be a boy, so I told him it was all a joke and luckily he believed it. I stopped wearing the binder and grew my hair back. Hayley was disappointed in me, but she understood why I did what I did. I didn't even think about passing again until I graduated high school. I talked to Hayley about it, and she was proud of me being open again about who I am. So, I started passing again, with a more optimistic outlook. I only talked to Hayley after school ended. We ended up going to the same college and everything. Me and Zack...kind of drifted apart. I didn't bother talking to him after school ended due to personal reasons, I suppose.

Hayley was a good friend...more than a good friend. She was amazing. She always made sure I was okay and that I was focusing on school and what not. College was amazing also. It was out of state, which meant no one knew us there, which also meant I could start fresh. My roommate, Alex, was pretty cool too. He was a total nerd, not that I'm complaining. We were majoring in the same course so he always helped me out on things. Long story short, the first year of college was great. The second year however...was a wreck.