I Follow You, Deep Sea, Baby

4.
NIKO
Since hell broke loose, I’ve asked myself this question several times, on several occasions: Why the fuck did this happen to me?
I’d usually start off by blaming myself - if I didn’t do this, then this wouldn’t happen, which in turn wouldn't cause that, and if that hadn’t happen I wouldn’t be in this shit right now.
But then I always remember the context - the big screwed up world, where my small screw ups have no meaning at all. I could as well compare my decision making with choosing the right sewage canal over the left one. Whichever I take, I’d still find myself walking in shit.
So, it’s completely futile to be burdened by the possibility of later guilt, regret, blame or even consequences, when making decisions, as none of it really matters. The world order as it was before is no more.
Deciding faster and intuitively is much closer to the way of survival. And that’s the only way that matters now. Sure, we like to take pride in our reason, feelings and values, but I wonder if in current situation, one has better chances if he leans towards the more animal attributes or towards those of a human?
Even for somebody that studied shit like this, the speed with which society and the values deteriorated into some very basic units and modes of survival was mind blowing.
My choice: quick adaptation, flexibility.
It doesn’t always work, though. For example, when somebody like me tries to adapt to a sect of southern religious fanatics from backlands, who possess a deep fear of God and of all ungodly things. They quickly had me marked down for the latter, of course, and left me, correction, locked me, in a cell. They appeased their hypocritical religious guilt by giving me enough food and water to survive for a while, and then they cowardly locked me inside, so that I could not follow them or harm them somehow.
Deep down I knew it would never worked, but being alone was just so hard.
Been stuck here more than a week. I think. It's easy to lose sense of time in this type of place. Didn’t hear any Zeds either, up until two days ago. One must have wandered down here by chance.
My supplies will last for another week or so, then I’m fucked.

****
Should I thank God or should I say my last prayer? The door is being unlocked.

***
An archer, hmm? Shit. Can't see.
Fuck. My luck. It's another fuckin redneck.
It’d be a lot smarter if I behaved a bit nicer to a hostile stranger. It’s just the light…it irritates me a lot.
Shouldn’t underestimate this one, though. Crude, yes, but no bullshitter. Quick as hell too. Great instincts. No fear but no trust either. He won’t let me live.
I could do him some harm, but the way he’s going about it, he’d probably catch my blade with his bare hands if necessary. Nope, fighting him upfront, won’t do it. Tricking him perhaps, only if I make him lower his guard.
I have to think quickly now, his arm feels pretty heavy over my chest.
There was this study we did on a group of primates. Females copulated with several males during their mating season and it was discovered that those mating partners were less likely to attack the female or her offspring later on, regardless whether they were the actual father or not, and even protected her from other aggressive males.
Great… so this is the solution my instincts pushed into my mind – to mate with him and hope for the best.
No blaming, right? A girl’s gotta to do what a girl’s gotta to do
He smells strong, fearless…calm but ferocious. An alpha male certainly. He reminds me….
Huh, my touch is puzzling him. I like his face. I guess it’d be best to approach him straight forward. He seems like a man who doesn’t care for fancy words much…or any words…
He’s holding back, although he smells of desire more than of anything else right now. I’d never expected such shyness….or such gentleness. I thought it’d be rough, that’d he have me from the back, like an animal…. but instead….he’s kissing me? Maybe, it’s just been very long for him. Anyway, can’t afford the nice now, it has to be quick, can’t having him changing his mind.
Fuckin zed at the door, we have to hurry up. I decided. I’ll definitely go solo. It’s a safer option. Can’t risk to be locked again or worse.
Soon I’ll have him exactly where I want him to be.

***
A big group of Zeds approaching from the right. I warned him about them and now I really should leave.
Fuuck. I’m victim of my own indecisiveness. If I continue standing here like a dummy, he’ll soon be on his feet and then I’m done.
Dammit….maybe, just maybe it could work out with him? Perhaps he’s brave enough to deal with my oddities? Sometimes I feel like anything seems better than being alone.
Naah, he’d probably kill me right here in the cell, I can feel his determination. I mean, he is a redneck and I just hurt his pride considerably. I’d better go and seek my chances elsewhere. In a bigger group, where one can conceal his particularities more efficiently. One on one can be way too intense.
“Umm, sorry about that.”
He was not that bad. For a redneck.

****
Out of the frying pan into the fire….great job, Niko.

****
I feel like thousand needles are stabbing my eyes. My brains are blurry - that’s the only way I can describe my current state of mind. I suppose, this might be the end of my road.
One last blame... I should have stayed with the redneck down in the cell. He’d probably kill me, but at least he’d do it without torturing. I’m sure of it. Instead, I’m stuck with this asshole in front of me, and he’ll take his time.
Please, somebody put me out.

***
He’s the one that knocked me out and didn’t think twice about it. The way he dismissed that sorry ass of a torturer….. he must be the boss. A man on the edge. Whatever I tell him, will not have much effect. He is practical, I’m just a burden.
I don’t really care anymore. My brains are on fire now. Shit. Need the fuckin glasses.
I forgot how much a headbutt can hurt. At least the pain on the forehead quenched the one inside my head.
Oh…the beautiful world, if I could stare at its colors one more time. I think I’m gonna cry.
“Just give me my glasses.”
The cold steel on my throat….it should be quick.
Shit, it’s him. It’s the archer. He belongs to them.

****
Did he just save my ass? Did he protect me? After I kicked him in the balls?
The fucking theory works! The problem is I fucked the wrong male. The alpha still wants me dead.

***
That damn bitch took my sword. I need to get it back. I need to. It’s my only reminder of who I am.
The redneck is kind. He doesn’t scare easily. He thought of killing me, sure, when he saw my eyes, but he didn’t. Others wouldn’t hesitate.
Too bad, it’s the other one, Rick, as he called him before, that makes decisions.
Shall I be compliant? Do I trust him?
Who am I kidding? There are no choices; I’m in a sewage maze, with shit reaching right up to my neck. Might as well have a few words with the guy I mated, before I drown.
“I’m Niko.”