Our Life Is Just a TV Show

The first couple of days were really hard. I got like no sleep at all, and neither did Bill for that matter, and the twins were constantly hungry.

I was so tired I thought I was dying. Jeni couldn’t help, she was too busy with Les Mis, so we called Deidre and Tom over to help. I could see a click instantly between those two, but Deidre had a boyfriend so I didn’t know how that was gonna go.

At night if the twins finally did get some sleep, well, if Sophie did-she was feisty-Bill and I would just crash on the couch. It sure felt good to have his arms around me again.

Things went really fast though, everything soon went back to normal except Bill and I had two little babies that we had to take care.

After about a month or so we didn’t need any help from Deidre or Tom and Kayden was sleeping through the night so things were good. Thank God they adjusted fast to a bottle cause breast feeding was killer.

“I like being a dad,” Bill whispered one night as we crashed on the couch.

“I like being a mom,” I said and really did mean it. It was hard, harder than anything I’d done in my life, but I was happy.

“I think Tok is over,” he mumbled then, half-asleep.

I was too tired to say anything and at the same time I didn’t think he understood anything when he was mumbling cause he was just so tired.

It was a day about two weeks later that I really remembered. The twins were asleep and I had gone to lie down. I’d adjusted nicely to this lifestyle, I think I was fit to be a mom.

I remember exactly what song was playing on my iPod as I laid there half asleep. Time by Timbaland and She Wants Revenge. I didn’t usually like hip-hop but this really wasn’t. It was actually a good song.

I heard something in the kitchen, and then yelling. Bill’s voice I could point out and there was one other, it sounded like Tom’s. Since the twins had been born Tom was over a lot, and not just when we needed him. He was always holding them, looking at them and smiling. I could see by that look in his eyes that he wanted to be a dad, that he would be a good dad if he ever just settled down with someone.

I turned down my iPod a bit to listen, hoping they weren’t yelling in German.

“…slept with her Bill! And then only afterwards does she tell me she’s got a boyfriend!” Tom yelled, sounding really pissed and distressed at the same time. “I can’t take much more of this. God before her I hadn’t fucked a girl in almost a year. There’s something wrong with me Bill…”

“Tom there’s nothing wrong with you. We need to go on a tour again and then you’ll be okay.”

“You can’t go on tour now Bill,” Tom sounded liked he was…crying? If only there was a Sex Addict’s Anonymous.

“Panic at the Disco and Metro Station want us with them for their fall tour. By then things will be good and Jen can stay with Tara and take care of the kids,” Bill explained. [[okay that would be the greatest tour in the freaking world]] Hmm…hearing Tom stressed like this I knew a tour would be good for him. You never know who you might meet on a tour. “You just need to get out and do something.”

“Bill that’s our last album. I know it. Tokio Hotel is over,” omg I think Tom was crying.

“Tom don’t say that. This band is what’s keeping all of us sane. It’s what keeping you sane.”

“I can’t do it anymore Bill,” Tom declared. Yes, he was crying.

I almost felt like going in there, but my legs were hurting like hell and my body was just giving out on me.

“Tom go home and take a nap,” Bill instructed him. “Come back over for dinner.”

Ugh Sophie was crying.

I went to the nursery and on the way made sure to give Bill a worried glare. Tom had his face in his hands, probably not wanting anyone else seeing him cry.

I picked up little Sophie in my arms and went to the rocker. She fell asleep within like five minutes and by the time I went back out into the kitchen Tom was gone. Damn.

“He went back to the apartment, but he’ll be back here soon,” Bill explained and started going through the fridge. “Fuck the only shit we’ve got in here is formula!” His face was red and he looked angry as he turned around.

“I…I’m sorry?” I said, it sounded like a question. Why was I sorry?

“I’m leaving,” he grabbed his keys and headed for the door.

“Leaving for where?” I yelled.

“I don’t know,” I thought he said.

I buried my face in my hands. God I was tired and confused. I think all of us just needed to sleep for long time.

I went into the nursery and just sat on the rocking chair for a good half hour trying to clear my mind, but the same wondering where Bill might be.

Then my cell starting to ring and both the babies woke up. Damn.

“Hello?” I whispered.

“Hey Tara it’s Jen. Come to Tok’s apartment, okay?” She didn’t show any emotion at all, so I didn’t know if this was a good thing or a bad thing.

Well what was I gonna do about the babies? I couldn’t leave two six week olds alone. So I quick called Deidre who said she would be over in a second.

I took only about five minutes to get to Tok’s apartment, there was barely any traffic today. But I don’t know, something just didn’t seem right.

Georg opened the door for me, didn’t say a thing. Jeni was crying on the couch.

“Where is everyone else?” I asked. No one seemed ready to tell me anything.

“They’re on the roof,” Georg declared and sat down next to Jeni.

Okay obviously something bad was happening. I ran as fast as my aching legs would take me up to the roof.

Gussi was standing at the door and Bill was near Tom, who oh Lord was so close to the edge.

“What the hell is going on?” I asked Gussi.

“Tom’s high,” he rolled his eyes.

“Literally?”

He nodded and sighed. “He wants to jump off the building and Bill’s trying to stop him. Bill’s the only one Tom will listen to, high or not.”

“Oh God,” I turned my eyes to look at Bill and Tom. Tom was oh so close to the edge now.

“Tom you don’t know what you’re doing, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you!” Bill called to Tom, and I ran up to him. “Tara what are you doing here?”

“Jeni told me to come over,” I whispered. “Tom’s not really gonna jump is he?” I don’t know why, an image of that night with Tom popped into my head. God I could almost feel his strong hands at my waist. And then another image, me in that backseat of the van and Tom helping me deliver my babies. I was starting to cry. Tom wanted to kill himself.

Bill let me go and walked up closer to Tom, who was now standing at the ledge.

“Look at me Bill, I’m really on top of the world,” Tom laughed and turned back, wobbling a bit. I squealed, thinking he was gonna fall, but he steadied himself.

“Tom we are on top of the world. You and I, Tokio Hotel,” Bill called. He was shaking.

“No it’s over,” I think Tom said. Oh God he was wobbling again. Damn this was a tall building.

I was shaking with freight and went back to stand with Gussi. I was balling my eyes out and he was so nice, he put his arms around me to stop my shaking.

“Tom, don’t jump,” Bill was crying and slowly making his way closer to Tom.

“I’ll fly!” Tom yelled and started to laugh, inching his way away from Bill.

Bill’s voice was shaky, and not much in tune, but still he started to sing-

“On top of the roof
The air is so cold and so calm
I say your name in silence
You don't wanna hear it right now
The eyes of the city
Are counting the tears falling down
Each one a promise
Of everything you never found

I scream into the night for you
Don't make it true
Don't jump
The lights will not guide you through
They're deceiving you
Don't jump
Don't let memories go
Of me and you
The world is down there out of view
Please don't jump”

And then me and Gussi started to join in, both looking to Tom, to the east where the sun was setting.

“You open your eyes
But you can't remember what for
The snow falls quietly
You just can't feel it no more
Somewhere out there
You lost yourself in your pain
You dream of the end
To start all over again

I scream into the night for you
Don't make it true
Don't jump
The lights will not guide you through
They're deceiving you
Don't jump
Don't let memories go
Of me and you
The world is down there out of view
Please don't jump
Don't jump

I don't know how long
I can hold you so strong
I don't know how long

Just take my hand
Give it a chance
Don't jump.”

God did this song fit or what. I buried my face into Gussi’s shoulder as Bill sang the last verse. Tom was so close, and Bill was inching closer to him.

“I scream into the night for you
Don't make it true
Don't jump
The lights will not guide you through
They're deceiving you
Don't jump
Don't let memories go
Of me and you
The world is down there out of view
Please don't jump
Don't jump
And if all that can't hold you back….” his voice broke there and then he muttered, “I’ll jump with you.”

I could feel those hot tears pour down on my face and remembered the warm summer night wind hitting us as we stood there, the way Tom rocked back and forth and when he looked back at us I could see his eyes, desperate and scared. He didn’t really want to jump, and yet he knew Bill would be right with him. They were brothers, they stuck together through everything…

I could hear those police cars and saw their lights down below, waiting to see if he was gonna go through with it.

I wondered if people on the street saw that it was Tom Kaulitz. I was sure that if they knew him they would all stay there and try to catch him. No fangirl would let Tom Kaulitz die…

Everything was still for like five seconds and then it seemed like the world let out a sigh as he walked off the ledge and back onto the roof, onto safety.

And then Tom collapsed into Bill’s arms.

Well if he didn’t commit suicide then it would be the drugs that kill him…….