What Have You Done

The fly home to Huntington was a complete mess. Owen wouldn’t sleep he’s jet lagged and tired. I’m thankful he’s sleeping through the cab ride to Brian’s at least he won’t be crabby when we arrive.

I didn’t think that it come down to this, I didn’t think I was going to be in a position where I had to move back home. I guess I always fantasized about Brian moving to Finland to be with us. I knew inside that it would never happen but a little piece of me hoped and dreamed it would, and maybe that was just part of me being naïve and dumb.

This age is a little harder than I expected when I was eighteen. I thought I would have everything together by now. I thought that at twenty three I would be married and living the ultimate life…yeah I know what a joke. I feel like I am still in training mode in some video game and I’m just saying fuck it to the controller, but then I remember I still have a toddler to look after. I can’t just quit the game.

The cab driver suddenly stops at our destination and I’m full of fear. I knew that Brian was having everyone over tonight and I was OK with it before but now I feeling terrified. I didn’t want to talk to everyone tonight. I didn’t want to tell anyone about Brian and Owen. I honest just want to grab my son, go upstairs and fall asleep. I hate time zone changes. I should be in bed but it’s only six pm here and I know Jimmy isn’t going to let me go to sleep.

I sigh as I pick Owen up in my arms. I grab our belongings out of the trunk. I’m thankful Owen is a heavy sleeper. He won’t hear anything. Luckily we only had one backpack each or this might have been more difficult. I think subconsciously I packed lightly just in case I needed to go back home. It’s a terrible thing to admit but what if we had to leave?

I put my hand on the door knob and cautiously walk into the house. “Hello?” I say walking into the living room. Nobody is here. I softly lay Owen on the couch making sure not to wake him up.

Suddenly I hear my brother’s manic laughter outside. I set our bags down and remind myself that I can face these people. They are my family after all. I open the sliding glass door to be faced with all of them. I lightly clear my throat and they all turn around like I am in some sort of movie.

My brother’s mouth drops. He rushes at me and instantly his arms are around me. He twirls me in the air, squeezing me as tight as he can. “I thought I was picking you up tomorrow! What the hell!”

Jimmy dropped me to my feet. “I love you too.” I tease.

I look over his shoulder to see everyone starting at me like I am a figment of their imagination. “Hey guys.” I say with a small wave.

I look over at my best friend Jade her mouth is still gaping open. She runs over to me squeezing as hard as she can. “Oh my god. I can’t believe this you’re really here! Holy shit.”
I cringe, I feel incredibly anxious now that I’m here in front of everyone. It was different when we skyped each other. I had nothing to feel vulnerable about when I was looking at them through a god damn screen.

My eyes dropped on Brian. His famous smirk plastered on his face while he walked over to me. He lovingly wrapped his arms around me and kissed the side of my forehead. He tried his best to control himself much like I did. It probably seemed suspicious but Brian and I loved each other how could we not? No, we weren’t a couple but we have a special bond. Brian knew me almost as well if not better then Jade and that was saying a lot.

“Where’s the little man?” I can feel a chill down my spine as he whispers in my ear.

I gently pull away still memorized and trapped in his dark brown eyes. “He’s on the couch.” I look around at the group, “If any of you wake him up so help me God, I will kill you. He’s incredibly jet lagged like his mother.” I tiredly wipe my eyes. “I’m surious!”

Jimmy crushes his beer can. “Come on Em, you can’t just let it slide, just this once? It’s been two years since we have seen him.”

I shake my head no. I honestly would love for them to see him but I’d also love for him and Brian to have time together before we have to spill the beans and I can’t do that today. “Jimmy, he’s like me when he wakes up. He will fuss and cry when he’s lacking sleep so please, pretty please be patient. You have all the time in the world. We aren’t going anywhere.” I walk over to Matt and Val giving them a big hug. "I missed you guys." I turned to face Zack, "I'm still mad at you." I skipped Zack and hugged Johnny.

"For fucks sake Em it was five years ago." He pushes my shoulder and forces his hug on me. "It's good to see you."

I sit on the chair next to Jade and rest my head on her shoulder. She wraps her arm around me and it almost feels like the old days. I had to keep reminding myself that this was how it should be. Owen deserved to know every single one of these amazing people.

“So how the fuck has Finland been treating you?” Matt asks. He tossed me a can of beer.

“It’s been good. I love it.” I pause. “When you guys see Owen just remember he’s almost fluent in Finish, sometimes you have to remind him to speak English.” I take a sip of my beer. “He’s a really smart kid though and he understands English but Finish has kinda become his main language. If he says something you don’t understand you can always ask me.”

“Do you think he will remember any of us?” asks.

“Honestly probably not.”

I final feel relaxed but then I heard a small voice calling my name inside. A panic filled my stomach at the sound of Owen's voice. I sat up from my chair and quickly walked inside. I could hear Brian's footsteps behind me. His fatherly instincts must have kicked up.

Brian and I met Owen in the living room. His eyes automatically lit up, he wiped the tears from his eyes and he couldn't resist running directly to Brian.

Brian bent down hugging his sun tightly and kissing him on the side of the head.

"Hey buddy."

"Daddy!" He said nuzzling his face in Brian's shoulder.

"Here, I'll take him upstairs and get him to sleep. You can go hang out with everyone." Brian shooed me away from them.

"No, that’s going to look suspicious as hell." I kissed Owen on the head.

“Just go Em, I want to spend time with my son. I’ll figure out a reason.”

"Fine. I love you. Be good for dad." I kissed his cheek and started for the sliding glass door. I wasn’t prepared for what happened next.

I see a silhouette in the kitchen. Jade’s mouth opened wide. Her eyes filled with shock. "Em, what the fuck." She grabbed me and pulled me in the kitchen. “I came in to get a beer and wow, I got a lot more than a beer.”

"Jade..." I close the kitchen door behind us. “I’m sorry.” My hands start to shake and I feel incredibly guilty. “We planned on telling everyone within the week. Please let me tell Jimmy.”

Jade’s dark eyes are filled with rage. “So, Brian has what just been visiting you and Owen while you won’t allow any of us to be a part of his life? How the fuck can you call me your best friend when you can’t tell me something so simple, you kept this from me for five years!? Obviously we aren’t as close as I thought.” She take is a deep breath. “You know Brian has been having to listen to his friends basically call him a rapist for the last how many years? Man,” She ran her fingers through her hair. “You are a piece of work, Emory.”

I feel myself shrink under her words. “Look, I know this is fucked up. I just didn’t know how to tell everyone, I got scared and by the time I came for a visit had already been a full year. It got swept under the rug. Brian and I both had no fucking clue how to tell anyone after a few years.”

“You know how you tell people, Em?” She dumped her beer in the sink and leaned against the counter. “You fucking open your mouth and you tell people.” She shook her head in disapproval. “This is sick. Even for you Em, you deprived us all of being a part of his life.” Betrayal lay in her eyes. “I can’t even look at you without feeling so gross inside. I know you have had it kinda rough but man, that’s no excuse.” She bit her lip, “I’ll make you a deal. You tell Jimmy by the end of this week. You tell your parents and Brian’s parents in the next two weeks. If you don’t I will tell everyone. You are twenty three years old. It’s time to own up to your mistakes.”

“I will, trust me. I’m ready to come clean. Just not tonight Jade.” I lean against the counter a small smile catches my lips, “I never thought I’d be in a situation like this. Remember when we were ten and boys had cooties and all of Jimmy’s friends were disgusting?”

She nodded her head. “Yeah, I miss those days.”

I walked over to Jade and gave her a small hug. “I’m going to go upstairs and get some sleep. I’m drained. I promise I will never lie to you again.”

She squeezed me back. “It’s gonna take a lot more than that for me to trust you again.”
I nodded, “I know. Can we talk tomorrow?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Get some sleep, Em.”

Jade walked out of the kitchen leaving me by myself in my own head, the place I hated being the most. I needed to talk to Brian not tonight but tomorrow. It was time to come clean.