Blue Ink on Paper

They were cruel. It started in kindergarten. Eddie told me I had a big stomach. Jack liked to tell other kids I was crazy. A group of older boys pushed me in the mud. I was tall for my age, but I was also skin and bones. I couldn't defend myself.

It went on through elementary school and only got worse. Eddie started a rumor that I was gay, which was a secret of mine, and at that age kids think it is gross or weird. I had a few friends, but they could not protect me. They were bullied themselves.

By sixth grade I was taller than all the boys. That didn't stop them from shoving me into lockers. This girl Alicia took a picture of me holding hands with my best friend Kristi and posted it on facebook with the caption, "Two dyke virgins." The picture flooded with comments, all of them about how disgusting we were.

I can't tell you how much I cut myself that night.

I told Kristi I was definitely not gay and I didn't have any feelings for her. She told me the same.

******

In ninth grade Brandon pushed me into a wall and strangled me, because I accidentally brushed him with my shoulder. To this day I still have flashbacks of that.

This guy Gerald liked to put his hands down my shirt, and because of my history I let him. I just thought he liked me and wanted to date me.

Gerald and I made out behind the school. He started calling me at 12 am, asking me for naked photos. I sent them without hesitation. I moaned into the phone for him.

One day I sat at the cafeteria table next to Gerald. His hand found mine under the table. Then he put his hands down my pants, in front of everyone at the table, and started to finger me. Nobody noticed.

I whispered at him to stop, but he kept going. It felt so good, but it also felt so bad. I had a flashback to being sexually abused as a kid. I wanted Gerald to take his hands out of my pants.

I tried to grab his hand, but he was stronger than I was. I began to get close to orgasm. I started to cry, silently. My body was betraying me. I couldn't move.

I came and then everyone at the table stared at me in shock. Then they started laughing and calling me a slut.

I decided to be tough and tell the principal. He told me he would suspend Gerald for three days and not allow him near me. The teachers would monitor him carefully.

Problem was, he still rode my bus, he still called my phone, he still texted me when he was jacking off to my photos. After three days Gerald was back and continued to put his hand down my pants every single day.

***

"Why are you writing all this?" Kristi asks me now. "Too many details."

I look at her. "I want it all out of my brain. I don't want it to be there anymore. I want to write everything out and then burn it."

"Why didn't you tell me this? Why did you shut me out?"

Kristi. My sweet Kristi. I couldn't let her in back then. I couldn't burden her with my pain. I carried that burden alone.