Before I Die

He has a piece of lettuce wedged between the gap in his two front teeth and Eden Harley doesn’t quite know how to tell him of this… at all. The lettuce is stuck between Callum Cartwrights two front teeth and is stealing focus from any of his other features. Eden is not sure how to tell him, honestly she is not sure of anything anymore, least of all the green lettuce wedged between his teeth. Eden knows she should tell him; she knows a better person than she wouldn’t even hesitate to tell him but she is Eden. Awfully wrong in all the important ways.

Eden is suddenly desperate, beyond desperate to be a better person, somehow more than she is. She is eternally unsure of what more she should be but she still wishes it desperately nonetheless. And that seems infinitely important, more important that poor Eden can comprehend this early on a Thursday.

But she does wish, wish all she can with such a fractured soul and bruised heart. From deep within her chest and almost as unexpectedly, a deep self-hatred bubbles up inside of her, stealing for a second Eden’s breath and capacity to think rationally. Her forever wondering brain finds the self-hatred almost humorous, because what eighteen-year-old doesn’t hate themselves in some respect, even if it is only partially.

Oh and it is forever wondering, her mind that is, perpetually distracting her and stealing focus from anything important enough to require her full undivided attention. Like this very moment sitting without any feeling in her lower half after being cramped into the back of Noah Reynolds’s SUV for the past four hours, tracing cuts in the upholstery and talking with the boy with blue eyes and lettuce teeth, Callum. The sweet and kind boy who for the past nine months has been tutoring Eden in history only for the reward of meaninglessly sweet words of thanks.

And he is kind, truly kind. One of the most genuinely nice people Eden has ever met, which is why she invited him on this trip and why she feels so terribly guilty for not mentioning the lettuce stuck between his teeth from a sandwich he ate nearly an hour ago. Yet every time she feels like she has the courage something stops her and she is no longer sure what it is, hesitation, weakness or plain anxiety.

Eden is no longer sure which would be more preferable, and she wishes once more that she was someone other than herself. Someone with the guts and kindness to tell the sweet harmless boy about the lettuce and someone with the ability to focus on the words he is telling her. Again she is disappointed when she realises she is nothing more than herself, and like always that just doesn’t seem enough.

“Eden… Eden?” Her name cuts sharply through her consciousness reminding her of how if nothing else she owes Callum her undivided attention. It seems like the least she can give him, even if it will never seem like enough.

This isn’t how she meant for things to go, this isn’t how it starts. Honestly it never is but somewhere along the way it always ends up with Eden selfishly stuck in her own never ending cycle of thoughts. She always tries to tell herself that this time will be different, this time she won’t get so hopelessly lost and sometimes she actually believes that. But then it happens again and then she is forever falling, forever lost in her own head.

Eden is forever waiting to be better than she really is, and she thinks that might be the hardest part, that even after all this time she is still waiting. Hoping this time, or even next time, will be something new, something different, that this will finally be the time she doesn’t get so… lost.

“Sorry I am listening. You were talking about…” Eden trails off as she racks the confines of her mind, searching desperately for what he was saying.

Callum smiles encouragingly as if she has got this, as if the answer is simply on the tip of her tongue, and she just needs to let it jump off and out into the open space between them. Callum’s smile does nothing but remind her of how much blind faith he has in her, misplaced bling faith.
“…Nanjing?” She asks with an uncertain smile, Callum rolls his eyes and glances down at the text book between them.

Eden does not want to tell him the truth, that she cheated by glancing down at the textbook between them when his gaze was fixated out the window behind her taking in the view, that she is not as smart nor honest as she wants him to think. But that is unimportant and he is talking, telling her about Nanjing. Callum and Eden are currently cramming for a big test after this four-day long weekend.

“The rape of Nanjing,” He tells looking down at the headline of the current chapter they are studying in Eden’s Chinese Revolution textbook. “Which started on…?” Callum lets his sentence fall into silence as he waits for Eden to fill in the gap. Only she is not sure that she can, she is no longer sure who or what to blame that on.

Eden feels like an idiot for not being able to remember a stupid date, but she doesn’t. Eden chides herself for the millionth time for taking History when she is really awful at remembering dates and large chunks of information.

“December?” Eden squeaks trying to read the textbook upside down. It takes Callum a moment to realise what she is doing but he does, quickly, taking the textbook and closing it, smiling ruefully at the petite girl. “You just lost your spot,” Eden argues looking at Callum and that infuriating piece of lettuce.

“Um Callum,” She begins building the confidence to just spit out that he has a piece of food stuck between his two front teeth. But his face stops her it is one of disappointment like she has somehow let him down. She wants, desperately, to ask how she has disappointed him but the words get stuck in the back of her throat and what comes out instead is, “13th of 1937”

She recognises the look of disappointment of his face, it is one her mother often wears and to see it come from Callum, someone she has always thought was impervious to her imperfect nature hurts more than she cares to admit or explain.

“Correct, on December 13th 1937 the first troops of Japans Central China Front Army, commanded by…” Callum recites all of this as if his is reading from the textbook, his look of disappointment is replaced by one of concentration but that doesn’t mean she still doesn’t see disappointment when she stares at him.

In fact, it is all she can see and she feels a deep emptiness with inside of her as if Callum’s look confirms Eden is nothing more than a mess. She wants to shake away the thought and feeling, and focus simply on Callum and his question but she can’t, he is still waiting for her to answer. She is stuck in limbo and all of a sudden she wants to tell him about that stupid piece of lettuce in his teeth and seem him flush with embarrassment and anger at his disappointment in her. But when she opens her mouth all she can hear is Callum talking over her, squishing her hatred for him;
“General Matsui Iwane, and they entered the city,”

Now is her chance to tell him about the lettuce and make him pay for ever believing in her enough to be disappointed, “And along the way he pillaged villages and held killing contests,” The words slip from Eden’s mouth and she doesn’t even realise she knew them before they tumble out of her mouth, but she does and Callum no longer looks quite so disappointed.

In fact, he is smiling at her in encouragement and for a second, a piece of Eden’s heart breaks free and floats up into her throat reminding her that for a second that after everything there is hope and there is happiness. And for a single second she feels amazing, and she thinks, she thinks she even smiles back at Callum. Even though she never wants to moment to end it does and Callum is spewing out more information. She is thrown back to reality and it is a hard fall.

“Chinese soldiers were killed by the thousands and left in shallow graves, families were massacred including infants and the elderly, and tens of thousands of women were raped” Callum has a slight lisp that is almost impossible to notice unless you are looking for it due to years of speech therapy in primary school required after severe bullying.

Eden only notices it now because she is looking for it, why she is not sure but she is. She thinks she is just desperate to see that he is not perfect. Callum’s lisp might be the only truly distinguishable feature about him that separates him from being just an average boy in a sea of average boys.

Callum is shy and a bit of a loner, Eden is not sure if that is by choice or not but either way he doesn’t have a lot of friends. And now that she is thinking about it she has never seen him talk to a girl he is not tutoring, which is why she is so glad he was invited. She thinks it might be nice for him to get out of his stale element and meet some friendly new people. Eden doesn’t think his lack of social skills stems from his appearance because she doesn’t think he looks all that different from any of the other boys on this trip, a little nerdier maybe.

Callum has dirty blonde hair that is a little too long and constantly falling in his eyes in a way that is both endearing and frustrating to Eden. He has this face that reminds Eden of a child, full of wonderment and trust. She wonders what it is like to remain so unjaded by the world, she thinks it might be wonderful and awful at the same time to trust so deeply and forgive so easily.

She doesn’t think she will ever experience such pure emotions because she is wrong and different in all the worst unexplainable ways. Eden thinks there might be something integral missing from her make-up, only she is not sure what it is other than that it should be there. She is not sure what is missing or what that integral thing means other than that even in moments of laughter and happiness, there is this weight sitting on her chest squishing her heart, dragging her down to this pit of sadness that is simply unexplainable.

And though she is enjoying the moment there it is still there reminding her that she is never truly happy and that something is wrong with her and she will never be like everyone else and that scares her, scares because she doesn’t know how to fix it or even if it is fixable. She fears she will have to learn to live with it and that is scarier than anything else in the entire world.

“Although there are no official members for the death toll in the rape of Nanjing, estimates range from…” Eden shakes away the distracting thoughts of sadness and loneliness and tries to focus on what Callum is saying, something about estimated death tolls.

“Uhhh,” She breathes trying desperately to remember in an effort not to see that look on Callum’s face again, one that reminds her of all the times she was never good enough.

Eden reaches for the textbook after Callum slides it to her, quickly finding the page they were on before scanning the information she has read so many times it really should be engrained in her mind by now but for some reason isn’t.

“200,000-300,000?” It comes out as more of a question than Eden intended but Callum nods his approval and leans back in his chair almost as if to say his work here is done. Eden wants to remind him that they have barely skimmed the surface of the Chinese Revolution, but it seems pointless. Plus, she is so lost in self-pity that she can barely comprehend what he is even teaching her.
“What are you two nerds talking about?” Eden’s boyfriend of nearly nine months asks from the driver’s seat up front, sitting next to Eden’s friend Skylar Kim.

Eden frowns in annoyance at her boyfriend Noah, she is no longer sure she even likes him let alone finds him charming enough to get away with saying that, but she doesn’t say anything. She is so tired of fighting, the last thing she wants is to start another fight. Especially on today of all days, the first day of their weekend getaway, where she hopes to get reacquainted with Noah and fix their failing relationship.

Callum doesn’t say anything either but his face has gone blotchy and red, he looks more upset that Eden, and she understands why. Noah is one of the people who made fun of Callum’s lisp, even still finding way to get under the boy’s skin at eighteen years of age. Eden shakes her head in dismay but keeps her mouth closed, no words suffice for how sorry she feels for Callum but she knows he won’t want her pity.

Eden looks out of the backseat window ignoring her boyfriend’s comments and out at the passing trees. She is so lost in thought watching the wonderful scenery that she doesn’t realise they have pulled into a gas station until everyone starts filing out of the car and stretching their sore legs. Eden has been cramped in the back of the car because she is so small, standing at barely five foot one. That plus the fact she and Callum needed some quiet to study for their upcoming test.

“I’m just going to the bathroom, buy me some liquorice,” Eden asks Skylar who makes her way into the store with Noah to pay. Skylar nods her head in reply looking rather distracted, Eden hopes the frazzled girl doesn’t forget about her candy. Eden makes her way around the side of the building to the bathroom convinced if she is going to make another two hour trek she needs to use the bathroom now.

The bathroom is small and cramped, with one toilet stall and one basin and a dirty mirror. Missing from its hinges is the toilet stall door and any privacy this room may have once granted. Colourful graffiti cover’s all the walls in the form of names and swear words. Eden refrains from running her hand over the cool surface of the wall, scared of what germs she might come into contact with. Moving instead towards the mirror and sink clutching the basin to help her stand on her bad leg. Eden doesn’t want to focus on the pain radiating up her leg and to her core, to her heart and instead focuses on her reflection staring back at her.

Oh how she hates her reflection, loathes it to its core with everything inside her frail being. Her hatred does not change what stares back at her however, despite what she wishes so desperately with her sore heart. Staring back at Eden is a hollow girl with large expressive eyes with no meaning left inside them. Her blonde hair is raggedy and in desperate need of a good brush, her thick wide lips are forever set in a frown on the bottom half of her mouth. She licks her lips as she stares, worrying her bottom lip with her top teeth.

Eden is not unattractive by any measure nor is she beautiful by the same token. She simply is, and long ago she accepted that fact, finding a special kid of beauty in her talent rather than her god given looks. Eden moves silently without thinking into first position and hears a loud crack emanate from her ankle bone in an ugly protest to her movements, reminding her of that night and of her injury. Hot tears spring to her eyes in memory and she hates that after all this time she is so emotionally wrought by that moment, that one single moment that changed her life and her destiny.

Eden does not want to think about that moment now, she also does not want to cry so she turns on the tap and splashes cold water against her warm cheeks, wiping her tears away in the process. The memories wont subsides and she feels herself going on a familiar roller coaster of emotions as she remembers every inch of stage that she danced upon with perfect precision.

She remembers her grand jete a simple move that she learnt long ago, she remembers coming down on her ankle and hearing an ugly break in the bone, she remembers the pain and she remembers falling but much after that is a blur. What Eden does remember though is waking in the hospital to the news that she would never dance ballet again. Tears fall from her burning cheeks and Eden stares at her reflection, hating with everything inside of her the broken girl that stares back.