One Less Chair

Max was having a good day.

A cousin of his had asked him to take his nephew to a concert, which he gladly agreed to. He hadn’t seen his family in a while outside of his mother and sister, so the opportunity to see his nephew had excited him. He easily got tickets to see one of his husband’s shows, and his nephew, a big fan, was over-the-top excited.

The concert went on without a hitch, but Max knew something was missing. When he looked over to see Chester in the stands, he realized with a jolt that the man wasn’t onstage with his band. Confusion swept through Max as his nephew asked if he could get a picture with him.

Chester agreed immediately, inviting Max and his nephew to sit with him. As the performance went on, Max noticed Chester shaking; jittery, anxious energy as his leg bounced with his hand resting on his knee. Max grabbed his hand quickly, tightly, watching as Chester’s fingers intertwined with his, holding onto Max like letting go would cause him to float away.

Max looked up at Chester, worry flushing through him, but the older man didn’t spare him another glance.

•
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Max woke with a start, dusk filling his room with pale light. Mike was snoring lightly beside him, knocked out from pure exhaustion. Max glanced at him briefly, then stood, bladder begging at his senses. Once done, he climbed back under his covers, digging his toes under Mike’s legs, thinking about his dream. He wondered if he should text Chester, this nagging feeling in the back of his head like something was wrong.

Mike’s arm wrapped around Max and pulled him closer, tucking him under Mike without the older man even waking. He let out a long, sad sigh, as Max remembered with a jolt that Chester was gone. Tears welled in his eyes as pain rushed through him, Mike’s weight anchoring him to the bed. Max closed his eyes quickly, trying to take a deep breath and failing.

Mike woke at Max’s hyperventilating, pulling him close, talking to him through his panic attack like he’d done this a thousand times which, in retrospect, he probably had. Guilt plagued Max, always being taken care of but never being able to take care of Mike. Max could see the tears building in Mike’s eyes and he pulled his husband close, arms tightening around his shoulders as they held each other with the intent of never letting go.

The bed shifted and Max pulled away to see Otis climbing onto the bed, staring at them with wide eyes. Max gently pulled him between them, hugging his family close. Mike wrapped his arms around his son, closing his eyes tightly.

After a while, Max stood to go check on Teddy. The young child was still fast asleep when Max stepped into his room, snoring away without a care in the world. Max sat in the rocking chair, despair filling every bone in his body.

He’d only talked to Talinda a handful of times since that day. She’d been too busy to speak to him, trying to take care of all of their children and everything with the funeral. Mike had been busy too, corresponding with the band and the label and their PR team, trying to figure out what to do now. Amalia was spending most of her time with Rob, and Brad and Dave were spending most of their time with their families. Joe had been spending a lot of time with Max, keeping him company when they weren’t doing their own respective things. Max couldn’t say he didn’t appreciate the company, and Joe was helpful in distracting the kids when Max’s anxiety got the better of him.

Max’s phone started vibrating in his pocket and he answered it without looking, giving a quiet greeting. There was a pause on the line, then Amalia’s voice called his name. She paused again and Max sat forward, worried again.

“Mom passed away this morning.” Shock coursed through Max’s veins. “I’m sorry, Max. I’m doing everything on my side, I’ll call you if I need anything, okay?” She hung up shortly after that.

Max stood and made his way outside, crumpling in the grass of the backyard. Agony made its way through his throat, coming out of his mouth in a deep throated scream. His fingers curled into the dirt, ripping up grass as he sobbed into the earth. It was too much. It was all too much.

•
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•

Max’s fingers shook uncontrollably as he fought to button up his shirt. He stood in the bathroom, attempting to groom himself as Mike put their sons in the right clothes. No matter how much he tried, Max always looked unkempt and shifty. He rubbed his face again, hands shaking, but before he could try to button his shirt again, Mike appeared in the doorway and stepped over swiftly to finish. He pulled Max’s suit jacket off its hanger and helped Max into it, running his fingers through the younger man’s hair until it looked decent.

Mike laced their fingers together and gestured for their children to follow him outside and to the car. Otis helped his brother buckle into his seat as Max stepped into the passenger seat, staring ahead of himself with a blank look on his face. With every breath he took, he fought back tears. Mike drove them through the streets, somber silence filling the car. Max’s hand rested on his knee as his leg bounced anxiously.

Mike pulled up to the cemetery and Max waited until the kids were out of the car before stepping out. He walked over to the hearse to carry the casket to its final resting place. Tears finally started to fall as he helped his uncles carry his mother to her grave. Somber music from her home country played in the background as the ceremony began. Amalia and Rob stood next to Max and his family as it droned on and on, and Max couldn’t help but think that if Chester had been here, it wouldn’t be so painful. He would have found a way to cheer everyone up.

Rob wrapped his arm around Amalia as she began to cry. Max stared at them, relieved that someone would be able to help her through the loss of their mother. Teddy clung to Max as he cried, grasping the fact that he would never see his nana again. Max comfortingly ran his fingers through Teddy’s hair, hooking his fingers through Mike’s free hand, the other resting on Otis’ shoulder.

The ceremony wrapped up, and the rest of their family began to leave, paying their respects to Max and Amalia before leaving quickly. Max watched them go, rubbing the tears from his eyes, and eventually Rob and Mike left, Otis and Teddy trailing along with them, leaving Max and Amalia alone to grieve together.

“Mom loved you,” Amalia finally said. “She always felt like she never stressed enough how much she regretted throwing you out.”

“I know,” Max whispered. He knew that Amalia had always had a closer relationship with their mother, even before being thrown out by their parents. “You don’t have to worry about me, Amalia. You have to take care of yourself too.” She nodded, rubbing the tears from under her eyes.

“I love you, Maxy.” He hugged her close.

“Love you too, Lee.” They hugged for a few seconds longer before she pulled away and joined Rob and Mike. Max stared down at the casket his mother lay in, taking deep breaths. Exhaustion pulled heavy on his limbs, as if it anchored him more to the earth than gravity. After a minute of staring at the casket, thinking of all the things he wished he could have said to his mother, he turned to join his family.

Mike wrapped an arm around his waist and they started the trek toward his car, making sure the kids were properly buckled before Mike began driving again. When they passed the turnoff to head home, Max gave his husband a confused look, but the man didn’t make eye contact, just kept driving.

The boys both fell asleep by the time the car pulled up outside of Mike’s parents house. Mike gently shook Otis awake as Max pulled Teddy from his seat, following the two to the front door where Mike’s mother stood waiting. She offered Max a gentle, comforting smile and gestured them all inside. Mike kissed his mother on the cheek and nodded at his father before disappearing back outside, returning with several suitcases and putting them in the rooms down the hall.

“Your father already pulled out the air bed,” she said as she hugged Teddy tight. “They can decide who sleeps where.” Mike nodded.

“Thank you, Ma.”

She smiled, trying to be brave and happy for Max. “Go change out of your suits and I’ll finish up dinner.” Teddy trailed behind his grandmother to the kitchen, and Otis followed his grandfather into the living room, sitting next to him as Mike’s dad turned on the television and set it on a cartoon movie. Mike gently tugged Max into his old room, still untouched but recently cleaned. He helped Max shrug out of his jacket and unbuttoned Max’s shirt with ease.

“Why are we here?” Max mumbled. Mike met his gaze briefly.

“I think it’s best if we spend some time with our family,” he responded. “My parents already said we can take as much time as we need.”

“Don’t you need to - isn’t there stuff - “ Mike shook his head.

“It’s fine. Everything can wait.” He pulled Max’s shirt off his shoulders and cupped Max’s cheeks, kissing him long and slow. Max’s hands curled around Mike’s forearms as he leaned into his husband’s warmth. When Mike pulled away, he placed a gentle kiss to Max’s forehead and took off his own suit.

Max finished changing, pulling on a sweater and pushing the sleeves up above his elbows. He stared numbly at the scars on his arm, thinking of them as if he’d received them a lifetime ago. He couldn’t help remembering the way Chester and Rob had nearly beaten Jace to death, or about how Chester nearly got kicked out of the courtroom during Jace’s trial. Chester’s concern when Max walked out of that courtroom, shaken, or when the flashback struck him when they went out to eat with Anna for the first time. Chester had always cared about him so much.

Mike’s gentle touch on the small of his back reminded Max of where he was, when he was. He smiled a small smile, vaguely reminded of when Mike used to touch him all the time to remind him where he was, that here and now was real and this wasn’t all just a bad dream. It wasn’t something Amalia had told him to do, just something he picked up all on his own. A way to pull Max back before he even left.

Max followed his husband back down the hall, toward the smell of food. Mike’s mother’s food always made his mouth water, but right now the thought of food made his stomach turn. He helped Otis set the table and sat down with the rest of Mike’s family, eating a little bit but mostly pushing the food around on his plate. Mike kept their knees pressed together throughout the meal.

“Max, why don’t you come with me?” Startled, Max looked over to Mike’s mother to see she had been talking to him. Too sheepish to admit he hadn’t been paying attention, he quickly nodded and agreed to go. Mike’s mother pat his hand knowingly. “Jason is bringing his daughter tomorrow, she can play with Otis and Teddy. Mike and his father can watch the kids, right, boys?”

“Yes Ma,” Mike said dutifully as his father responded in affirmative. Max smiled as Mike’s family continued talking, joking and smiling like the world wasn’t crashing down around them. Max couldn’t shake the feeling that it was.

After they all finished eating, Mike and Max volunteered to clean up the kitchen. Otis was tucked away in Mike’s room, while Teddy took Jason’s, and Mike’s dad began blowing up the air mattress in the living room. Mike’s mother kissed them goodnight and the two disappeared into their bedroom.

Once done with the dishes, Mike ushered Max into the living room to choose a movie and returned to the kitchen. After a few minutes he returned, hot chocolate and his mother’s cookies in hand. They curled up on the couch together, eating their treats as Max pressed play and Moana began to play.

Eventually they ended up on the air mattress, with old episodes of Full House playing as they pressed together, holding on to each other as if letting go meant floating away. Max’s head was tucked under Mike’s chin as the older man sang softly, fingers tracing up and down Max’s back. Most of Mike’s singing was unintelligible, but it brought so many of Max’s emotions forward. He took a deep breath.

“You’re going to a pottery shop,” Mike said. Max looked up at his husband. “With my mom. She’s doing a pottery class tomorrow.”

Guilt washed through Max. “Thank you,” he whispered. Mike ran his fingers through Max’s hair, cupping his chin. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?” Mike asked, confused.

“You’re doing such an amazing job of taking care of me, but I’m not the only one experiencing loss here. I feel like I’m not doing anything for you and I know that I should be.” Mike shook his head.

“Oh, Max,” he sighed, pressing their foreheads together. “You don’t have to apologize. I promised you, when we got married, that I would always take care of you.” Max looked down, still feeling guilt wash through him. Mike nudged his nose with his own. “I know that you’re here for me, just as I’m here for you. Just having you with me right now, that’s enough to help me. I promise.” He lifted Max’s chin with his finger, demanding Max’s gaze. Max looked up at him. “Do you believe me?”

Max stared into his eyes, into the confidence there, and nodded. He pressed closer to his husband, sighing heavily. “I love you,” he whispered. Exhaustion pulled his eyes closed and he heard Mike respond in kind before falling into a deep, dreamless sleep.