Finding Home

What the hell is that beeping noise? Who is crying and why can’t I open my eyes all of the way? Why do my arms feel numb and why is everything on fire? Fuck it hurts to breathe. What’s going on, open your eyes Willow.

When I finally work up enough strength to open my eyes, I’m greeted by bright beaming lights. I feel tubes in my nose and I’m in one of those awful blue gowns.

Wait…am I in the hospital?

I’m in the hospital…fuck.

I hear my mother shift in the old ugly flowered chair beside me. I look at her face. She’s been crying for a while. Why is she crying…why am I- I look down at my bandaged arms. Oh. I lightly push myself up in my chair using my elbows seems less painful then using the lower parts of my slit up wrists…I didn’t mean for it to go this far.

“What the…” I softly mutter.

“Willow, what were you thinking!?” She pauses as she wipes her eyes. “I thought I lost you.” She covers her mouth trying to bite back the tears. “Ville called said you weren’t acting like yourself…Bam thought you were going to die in his arms.”

I feel guilt leaking in. “I’m sorry, ma. I didn’t-” I stop when I see her hang her head low. She’s blaming herself for not seeing the signs and damn do I feel like the worst child in the world. I know she’s happy just to see me alive but I can’t get over the look on her face, there is so much pain and hurt that I can’t even describe or think of a time I’ve seen her this upset.

My guilty eyes travel down my gown again. I can’t look at her. “I’m sorry…is Bam, is he mad at me?”

“No hunny. Nobody is angry. We’re glad that you are OK.” She let out a deep breath and ran her fingers through her blond hair.

I feel horrible for everything that I’ve caused and everything that has happened these last few days. I feel like this guilt is going to eat me alive.

I nervously look around the room, “When can I leave?” I ask.

“They haven’t said much I don’t even know if they know you’re awake. I’ll go find a nurse, in the meantime would you like me to send Bam and Johnny in?”

“Johnny didn’t leave?”

My mom half-heartedly smiles at me, “He was too worried about you. You have a lot of people who love you.”

I don’t know why it surprised me that Johnny waited for me to wake up, but it did. I know that if somebody put me through the shit I had put them through, well, it would be very difficult to look that person in the eyes.

I turned my head to see the bedroom door opening again, “Hey.” I’m embarrassed when I see them; my body seems to tense up more than usual, I don’t really know what to say.

“Relax.” Johnny said sitting next to me.

My eyes don’t dare meet his I’m so ashamed of myself. Awkward silence has overcome the room.

Bam takes in a deep breath. “Johnny and I are going to make you a deal; I want you to listen very closely.” Bam’s blue eyes roamed around the room; scratching the back of his neck he said, “We won’t make you go through the roundabout of an actual mental institute...and we’ll go along with the idea that this was an accident.” He pauses for a second taking in my emotions.

“If…” I asked knowing there is more.

“If you agree to take the job we got for you in California with Jeff and you see a councilor three times a week at the clinic that Johnny and I found.”

I don’t like this idea one bit. I don’t want to leave everything I know behind just to work in a cubical for Jeff I know I need help I have for a long time but this is overwhelming. My eyes start to fill with small amounts of tears I know I shouldn’t cry but I can’t help it. I’m starting to feel like an emotional wreck today. Why is my brother trying to get rid of me?

“I get the counselor things and I’m all for that, but California?” I look at Johnny trying to give him my pleading eyes; hoping that he will tell Bam that this is all too much.

“Steve-O and I decided that you can stay with him until you get your shit together and find your own apartment.” Johnny paused for a quick second, “He’s not ever there anyways.”

I rolled my eyes at my brother’s friend. “I can’t do that.”

“Look, we’ll give you a few days to think about it you don’t have to make a decision right now.”

I nod my head, “Will you guys go find the doctor? Mom was supposed to but I think she either forgot or got lost.” I nervously joke.

A light chuckle fell from Bam’s lips, “I’ll go find someone.” He laid his hand on my shoulder giving it a tight squeeze he said, “I really think this will be a good opportunity for you.” Bam walked out the door without another word being said.

I raise my blue eyes to Johnny’s brown irises, “Why are you guys doing this?” I quietly asked.

“Because we care about you and want what’s best for you and this is the best help you can get. I already talked to the people there to see what it was like. It’s not too far from my place..” He softly grabbed my hand, “I offered for you to stay at my house but seeing as how things have you know…between you and I. We talked to Steve-O and he’s actually really excited for you to come.”

“I never said I was going…can’t I find help here?”

“You can’t be in a place where people can’t tell if you are doing ok or not…Bam had no idea you were even going through something since you lied and told us they were old scars. Bam can’t trust you now and your mom agrees. If you ever get too nervous or feel like something bad will happen or if things ever get to out of control then you can always come stay with me for the night or the day. I only live forty-five minutes away from him.”

“I don’t know Johnny.”

He squeezed my hand in reassurance, “Just think about it.”