Finding Home

I woke up with a strange feeling in my stomach. The one that gave me anxiety from what I did last night. Why did I drink that much and why on gods earth did I think it was a good idea to kiss my brother’s best friend. Sure I thought it was a great idea last night but today my heads foggy. Did I mean that kiss? I take in a deep breath, no of course I didn’t. This is Ville.

OK, Willow. It’s just a silly little crush. You will get over it just avoid him until it’s gone. You’ve had this happen many times with your brothers friends. You are fine.

I’m not fine. Fuck. Yes I am…I can do this.

“You ready for our adventure?” Ville’s voice rings in my ears.

I turn around to see him walking into the kitchen. No, I’m trying to avoid you. God, he looks amazing with his black beanie on his head, his plain black tee brings out his green eyes. STOP…

“Do we have to go hiking today? I feel like shit.”

“It’s not that heavy of a hike, dear.” He pushes my shoulder lightly. “Come on. Put your shoes on. We are going.”

“Fine.” I sit on the ground like a child and pull my converse on my feet. “I don’t even like hiking.”

“Too bad.” He grabs my hand and pulls me up. “You my dear already agreed.”

We exit the house and instantly the sun is burning my eyes. I’m never drinking again. Ville is amused by my hangover and he is being way too energetic for my liking. He puts his arm around me pulling me closer to him. God he smells amazing.

“We’ll hike this hangover out, my love.”

“Stop calling me that.” I loudly say.

He drops his arm from around me his face goes blank and instantly I feel like an asshole. “I didn’t know it offended you.”

Shrugging I say, “I’m just tired. Sorry. I didn’t mean to get snappy with you.” I wrap my arm around his in attempts to make this less awkward. “Where is this place?”

He cracks a smile. “You’ll see.”

I don’t trust the grin on his lips. “You’ve taken us to a forest Ville. Are you going to murder me?”

“Maybe.” He grabs my hand and pulls me in through a few bushes. “Here it is. My thinking spot!” He looks back at me clearly amused by how out of shape I am. “Are you going to make it? You sure are huffing and puffing pretty brutally for a non-smoker, have you been getting into my cigarettes, dear?” He giggles at me. “Come on little one. It’s just over this log.” He reaches his hand out to me.

“Ville.” I groaned as he pulled me up. I sat down looking at the mossy log that was at least five feet off the ground. “I’m tired, can’t we take a break.”

“This is it.” He laughed sitting next to me he says. “This is my secret place, this log is mine.”

“Oh please.” I laughed, “You don’t own the forest.”

“I own this log, my names it.” He lifts his lanky leg and shows me his name that is engraved into it,

“I just thought you should carve you’re name, so when you leave back to the states a piece of you will stay with me.”

I lift my head off of his shoulder to see him pulling out a pocket knife. He scoots over and points where he wants me to carve my initials. I can feel Ville’s eyes burning through me while I heavily concentrate on my ‘work of art.’ “Maybe I won’t go back.”

“You’ll go back at some point. You have many friends and family that miss you like crazy. Willow darling, you have been here for four whole years. Don’t you miss them and lets be real you Willow, I cannot support you like they do.” He pauses. “You need your friend’s sweet girl. You’ve basically been hanging out with this old man for four years. Aren’t you sick of me yet?” He wraps his lanky arm around me making my head land on his chest. “My heart would completely break for you if you decided to stay.”

“I don’t want you to be lonely if I leave. I can’t even handle the thought of being that far away from you again…after four years of seeing you almost every damn day! I don’t even have that many people back home anyways.” I remind him.

A chuckle breaks from his chest, “Sweetheart, I’ve been lonely for many years; it’s comfort to this old soul.” He pulls away from me. His eyes meet my sad ones. “What about Johnny? Come on, dear I know something will happen between the two of you and then, you’d be happy. You’ll forget about this…You know Bambi and I have talked about this many times. He’s not that against it and you deserve real love.”

Silence overcomes the two of us and dread fills my heart. Is he really trying to get rid of me or am I not seeing the big picture here? I just wish there was a way for me to be in two places at once. I know that Johnny would wait a million years if it meant that I was going to come home I don't know if he fully knew how much I loved him before he fell in love with my friend. He probably thought it was a little sister love, that was until I told him the day I left for Finland. I guess it wasn’t right timing. We still keep in touch every once in a while... He’s not the only one that tries to get me to come home.

I know that my family loves me, but in a way it’s almost not enough to take me away from this new beautiful life I’ve made. “Everyone deserves love.” I remind Ville.

“Exactly, if you stay here you’d miss out on the chance of love!” He leans back on the large log and stairs up at the sky as if he’s in deep thought. “Why on Gods earth would you want to stay here when you could return home and fall in love, or be in the arms of family?” He curiously asked.

I lay down next to him watching the birds float through the sky; peaceful and happy. I’m a little jealous considering how anxious I feel inside. “Ville, I have to tell you something.” I pause for a second trying to muster up the courage. “The other night when I pretended to be your girlfriend…It kinda felt right and I didn’t notice before but I think I love-”

He quickly turned on his side and roughly set his hand on my mouth, “Don’t say it.”

I raised my brow as he released my mouth to speak. “Why, are you afraid?” I quietly asked.

“Yes Willow, you aren’t mine to love, as much as it pains me to say, your love would be the death of me. I should have never asked you to do such a thing. It’s been four years that you have been boarding with me. Don’t you think if it was meant to be it would have happened?” He hovers over me. “This feeling that you are feeling isn’t real. It’s simply because we are together every single day and that kiss meant nothing.”

“That’s not fair for you to decide my fate! You can’t just tell me who to love and who not to love! That’s not your choice!” I yell.

“Willow, you are acting like a child.”

I sit up and look him in the eyes… “You just won’t face the truth Ville…All of those times I’ve laid in your arms, all of those times we’ve snuggled in your bed…and what about all of those times I took care of you when you were drunk? What about all the time we spent together? or the fact that you tell me all of these crazy stories about how much you love and care for me, when you are drunk!?”

A faint smile crosses his lips as he pulls me close to his chest, “The girl who cried love, won't you come and play with me?" He quoted his own song, “Maybe in the next life, but it can't be this one, my sweet girl."