Finding Home

"Tell me what you're running from, she said everything and everyone
Tell me what you're running from because your past it can't be undone
Oh tell me what you're running from
She wakes up every morning, thoughts weighing heavy on her mind
She's hoping today will be a better day than the ones behind
She's having some trouble getting going, from the fear she's paralyzed
She puts her face into her hands and then she cries"

I am famous for doing this thing where I feel unwanted and I completely shut down. I avoid whoever it is that made me feel this way until I can get over it. I don’t know why I did this or why I was like this. Counselors told me it was part of my coping techniques. Pathetic and childish is usually what people called it considering my age but I didn’t know how else to let the pain go and I wasn’t going to get back into my old ways of self-harm along with self-destruction. I refused.

Instead I am going to lay in bed for the rest of the day and hope I’ll feel better after recouping.
Today I didn’t have to talk to my brother or Ville, they said something about…actually I wasn’t listening to what they were saying.

I’m not sure what Johnny decided to do. I know inside he was frustrated with Ville as much as I. He didn’t like seeing bad things happen to me. I mean that would be kinda twisted.
The unfortunate thing about me sitting in my room for hours all alone was that I tend to overthink and allow my brain to go to dark places. I know that Jake was on my mind a lot and I couldn’t take it sometimes.

Jake, my ex-boyfriend.

Someone I hated thinking about ecause then I think of the abuse. It feels like the I get kicked in the stomach every time and like I can’t breathe. Sometimes I wondered how Bam and Johnny could even forgive me for getting into the car that day.

Don’t go there, Willow. You’re stronger than this. I try to remind myself that the past is the past but it starts to sting and I can’t stop.



I smile as I look at Johnny sleeping on the couch. Everyone had partied too hard last night. I wanna say goodbye but I also don’t want to wake him up. He had an evening flight to catch and he hated flying while hungover.

Johnny’s eyes suddenly flutter open and he lightly catches my wrist before I can leave, “Where you goin?” His Tennessee accent over powered his morning voice.

“I told you last night I’m going home…Jake’s waiting outside so I need to leave.” I shook his hand from my wrist and started for the door. “Goodbye Johnny I’ll see you next year.”

He stands up and rubs the sleep out of his eyes, “Willow…”

I raise an eyebrow at him, “Yes?”

“Please don’t go with him.” He pleaded while walking closer to me.

“I have to Johnny, you don’t understand…” I slapped my hand over my mouth knowing that I’ve said too much already and I don’t want any more pathetic words falling from my lips.

“Please Willow; you and I both know that as soon as you walk out that fucking door there’s going to be trouble, Jake already told you that!” He said raising his voice.

He looks upset and I know that I’m making a bad decision by ignoring his worry, but Jake is now honking the horn seeing as I am talking to long. I twirled my finger through my ponytail nervously knowing that I’ve been caught, but of course I decide to get defensive instead of collapsing into Johnny’s concerned arms and spilling my heart out. “Jake loves me PJ. I don’t know what else to say.”

Bad move, Bam is now walking up. “Shut the hell up fuckers, I’m trying to sleep!”

“Jake doesn’t love you Willow and if he does he has a fucked up way of showing it, Willow we may be a bunch of jackasses but we aren’t idiots.” He steps closer to me and rests his hand on my face forcing me to look at him, “Men don’t leave bruises on women’s bodies.”

Quickly I push his hand off my face; my brother is now standing up and walking over to the door where we are standing, “Tell me I didn’t just fucking hear what I think I heard.”

Now I know I’m busted and I can’t do anything about it. I try to make a run for it and bolt out the front door but much to my dismay Johnny and Bam are still following me.

I see the red truck only a few feet away and by the look on Jake’s face he isn’t thrilled that the boys are following me. He turns off the car and hops out of the driver’s seat; he’s looking territorial like he’s going to try and prove a point to them.

“What the hell is going on, Low?” He asked while walking up next to me.

I try to respond but before I can say anything Bam interrupts my thinking process, “Get away from her. Now!”

Jake smirks and wraps his arm around my shoulder, “I don’t need to Brandon she’s my girlfriend. I can touch her if I want.” His grip gets tighter around me.

Johnny shakes his head in disbelief as he walk over to us; he’s only standing inches away from Jake’s face and Bam is not far behind him. “We all know what you’ve been doing to her. I read the text message saying that she’s asking for trouble. Is that how you control her, threatening her? Beating her till she can’t say no?”

My eyes meet Bam’s shocked face, “Willow, go back inside.”

I feel infuriated knowing that the two men who are trying to protect me are only making it worse for me. I shake my head no and walk over to the car; Johnny once again tries to grab my wrist but this time it’s easier for me to shake it off, “I’m going home.”

Jake’s smug look only enraged me more; he knew he’d just won the battle and I knew I was going to pay for this shit storm I caused. He hops in the car and with a smile on his face he says. “Good girl.”

I feel disgusted with myself when I see the sadness in my brother’s eyes. I lip to them that I’m sorry but I don’t think they can see it.

Jake started the car and pulled out of Bam’s driveway, “Why didn’t you tell me you were going to Bam’s yesterday? I came home to an empty fucking house.” His venomous voice rattles my mind, “I don’t like you being there, and why does Johnny think I caused those bruises, what did you tell them!?”

I want to get out of the car and go back to my brother’s house, and tell them I’m sorry but it’s too late we’re already on the highway.

“Are you listening to me? I hate went you sit there in fucking silence, god you are pathetic!” He screams.

My body jolts, “I’m sorry, I didn’t say anything. Johnny grabbed my phone from me and saw what you text, Jake I didn’t say anything.” I feel ridiculous why am I apologizing to him?

“I hope it was worth it, God knows I’m not letting you go there again.” His voice is so taunting; I wish I wasn’t so afraid.

Jake grabbed my hand a disgusting smile on his face and his green eyes full of complete hate.

I looked out the window realizing I have no idea where we are at, “Where are you taking me?” My voice is short and quiet

“Somewhere that they’ll never find you.” He smirks, “I don’t know, I was thinking I could drive off that bridge we always used to stop at; or maybe I’ll take you to the forest and leave you all alone, you’d be dead before anyone could ever find you.”

My heart drops in my stomach; I can’t tell if he’s being serious or if he’s simply trying to prove a fucking point to me. I look at the speedometer that is rising within seconds, “Jake slow down.
Why are you doing this!?” I scream

My heart hurts; I feel like I’m having an anxiety attack like I’m staring death in the face; I can see the bridge approaching. Fuck he wasn’t kidding. “Jake.” I say again; this time smacking his arm. “Slow down, you made your point.”

He slams on the breaks right before hitting the bridge but it’s too late; he’s lost control and the bridge is getting closer. I’m going to die, this is pathetic I should have just listened to Johnny and Bam.

I scream right as the car hits the bridge. I smack my head on the window and within seconds my vision is blurring in and out. My head is pounding. I can feel blood trickling down my face and in a desperate attempt I unbuckle my seatbelt and practically fall out of the passenger side of the car.

I barely see that Jake is unconscious and in a sick way I am thrilled.
My body collapses and I land face first on the cement. I try to push myself off of the ground but I can’t. There are shards of glass in my hands making it nearly impossible to use them. I want to cry but I’m in too much shock to feel emotions.

Am I really going to die by the hand of Jake?

With the last bit of energy I have, I try to reach for my cellphone. Before I can get to my phone, black specks fill my eyes and I have to lay back down hoping that someone comes looking for me and that this is not the end of my story.



“Willow?” I hear Johnny’s voice ask from the other side of my door.

I wipe the tears from my eyes and tell him he can come in.

Instantly his face fills with worry when he sees my face. He walks to the side of my bed not daring to ask why I’m crying. He doesn’t want me to shut him out. He tells me to scoot over and wraps me in a loving hug. “Everything will be OK sweet girl.”

“He did it on purpose Johnny. It wasn’t an accident.” I sob into his chest. “He really tried to kill me…”

Johnny’s body tenses but he tries so hard to not let me know. He runs his fingers through my hair in a soothing manner. “I know Willow, you didn’t deserve any of that.” He wipes the tears from my eyes and kisses the top of my head. He lays us down on the bed, my head lands on his chest and suddenly I feel somewhat relaxed. “Breathe. He’s never going to hurt you again. I’ll make sure of it. I promise.”