Little Thoughts

I'm sitting here in bed while you sleep next to me, the light low from our bed lamp; it would be a humble little picture for anyone to see but my mind is racing. My thoughts are all over the place so please excuse my writing.. knowing everything is running so fast and everything is so fucked up has me thinking our lives the past five years. I mean everything honestly I'm not even sure how we even work. I was supposed to be moving past all the gangs and shit in my life. I was supposed to marry a doctor...which I did but thats besides the point. He was too safe, too boring, too away. I didn't think being a woman with a career and being with a man with one could cause a great marriage. Marriage is supposed to be about sacrifices and we weren't doing that; neither of us was. I wasn't going to put my life on hold for my husband and neither was he. Yet he fought so hard to keep me and I will never understand why. You did understand why and you told me while you lie in bed with a head injury.

Funny how the world works...we met because you were dying and I had to be rushed in to do your surgery and tara was so upset I had to put her in her place. I had to put all of them in their places all of your thug friends, even Gemma. We didn't get along at first but she come to realize I was smart, and tried to use me plenty of times. Which I allowed her at times because it was easier to move along with her rather than fight her but lately my foot has been on the ground. The only people that seem to be sweet as pie was Juice, and his wife who was his girlfriend Ivy at the time. They understood I needed to be there for you so they let me be. I knew the weight of the world was on my shoulders because these biker men were so worried about you. You're little family that has become my own in some sick way and they care about me too now. I also care about them- sadly.

The first time we actually met with you awake you instantly flirted with me with the cheesiest of lines.

"Have I gone to heaven because there is an angel by my bedside."

I simply rolled my eyes at you but I forgave you; you did just wake up a blood colt in your head. I would have to keep doing that for a month. Though I was especially angry when you didn't tell me you had a wife and she surprised me coming to your bed side one day. I knew then I wanted to be with you; because I felt betrayed by you. Gemma knew, and she told me everything would be okay. So then I hated you all over again.

Everything about you was wrong; you were way older than me, you were married; you lived a life style that I could not simply be apart of. I left my life away from all of this when I became a doctor; when I married a doctor. I wanted to live the high life; and if I was honest I do even now as a doctor. We have a nice house; a nice in ground pool; we live very well for you being you and me being me. Minus a child. Things I want; and things you have.

I think this is why this life is so....cruel to me and to us. You live a wild life as an older man, and I am maturing in the woman I want to be yet I am childless. I resent you for this- you see it in my eyes every time Tara comes around with her bundles of joy; every time Ivy comes around with her darling daughter. I felt my heart burning with rage and sadness; and yet I can't leave you. We are to dependent on each other; my life comes from you and yours from mine.

I've done things I regret, I've helped you when Jax needed help. I've used my studying to help you become a better helper. I should deeply regret it but I don't; because if you go down I will too. And you know this; you use this and I know you do.

"Chibs do you think we'll be together truly." I asked you one day drinking coffee; you glanced at me looking up from the newspaper with that smile.

"We're half way there."

I resented you even more and you could tell. I'm stupid I know because I should leave you but I'm in too deep. Everything about you and me so so intwined with each other than if we broke free I would still carry pieces of you. Just like Juice, Just like Ivy because you are as warm as the sun and as addicting as heroin. Every time someone leaves they come crawling back to you; and you know it.

Everyones got daddy issues- especially me.

I can't leave you even though you've ripped me apart the same way as you've ripped Ivy's life apart. I'm in shambles for a different reason, cus my life is you and I can't escape you. Ivy is in shambles because you took her life away from her and yet she can't escape you either.

I love you and hate you.

I can't escape you.

you scottish bartasrd.