Wounds
Four to Five
I sat impatiently in front of my cell phone. The slim black iPhone was sitting face down against the light colored hardwood floors of my living room. It was fifteen minutes past four, and within the next forty-five minutes, I would be getting a call that could completely alter my life for the next few months or possibly the rest of my life.
In the beginning, when my supervisor mentioned the position, I applied for fun. I knew I was under qualified. I had never been a SVP before, I had never controlled a whole department, and I sure as hell never interacted with presidents and CEOs. Despite all of this, Sherry, my supervisor told me that I had the drive, determination, and nerves to be a SVP.
So, I applied.
Three weeks later, when the application was a faint memory, I got a phone call from the hiring manager. From there, I had four phone interview. A week after those were completed and I was pushing the progress to the back of my head, I was invited to Los Angeles for a three day trip, all included, to meet with a few key people in the company.
The interviews were some of the best talks I ever gave.
I flew home and received an e-mail with a ton of paper work to fill out and return. I had Sherry help me with most of it, making sure the answers to the questions were strong and well written. She had very little changes, if any.
Three days after I had sent the papers back, they told me I would be getting a phone call today, Monday, July 19th, between four and five in the afternoon, telling me if I had been passed up for the job. If I wasn’t they would present me an offer which I could accept or decline.
During this whole process, I had kept Sherry and a few friends from work in the loop. Everyone had the faith in me to swoop up from a Marketing Strategist and Organizer to a SVP. My biggest supporter though, was Zack.
That boy had been at my side since we were five, and every time I spoke to him about the job, he did nothing but boost my ego about it. He didn’t mention me moving back home, he didn’t mention re-connecting with everyone again, he didn’t mention everything I had been nervous about since I hit the apply button on the LA Kings website.
California left a bad taste in my mouth on several occasions. I had lost friends, I had lost family, and I had lost myself too many times to count. When I finally left, when I finally cut the ties with everything that had been tethering me down, I grew into who I knew I could be. I changed into the person I had been dying to be for such a long time.
There was a point where I had realized I needed to grow up.
So, I did.
Right in the middle of my mind wandering through old memories, the sleek phone sitting before me started to buzz. Hovering my hand over it, I shut my eyes and then grabbed it and sucked in a deep breath. Sliding my thumb across the screen, I put the phone to my ear and exhaled through my nose.
“Hello, Emerson speaking,” I managed to hold my voice together, but my eyes stayed tightly shut.
“Emerson, it’s Mike, you interviewed with me last when you were in Los Angeles.” The man’s voice instantly put an image in my head. Tall, short brown hair, piercing green eyes, a strong jaw line, and a bone snapping handshake. He would be the person I would report to, before it reported to the President / CEO.
“Mike, so nice to hear from you! How are you doing?”
“To be honest, sweating like a pig. The one hundred degree weather doesn’t help with making such delicate phone calls.” My heart started to crumble in my chest as a nervous laugh echoed through the phone.
“I can imagine,” I let out a soft chuckle as I opened my eyes, taking in the view of my condo living room. Letting my eyes roam around the modern furniture, I let the ends of my lips dip down as I slowly lowered my body back against the hardwood, letting my eyes trace over the bright white ceiling above me.
The man gave me some formal business speech. To be honest, I wasn’t paying much attention to his words. I was already feeling the heart break of it all. I didn’t want to live in California again, I thought. I planned on this whole application being a joke, a simple task done to silence the curiosity and the nagging from my Supervisor.
When I was flown out to Los Angeles, shown around, met the people I would be working with, and when I saw my office, I fell for it. I wanted this job. I wanted this job with every ounce of my being, no matter how hard it would be to face everyone I had left so many years ago.
“So, Emerson, on behalf of the Kings organization, we would like to extend to you an offer for the SVP position.”
The world began to crash around me.
“Oh my gosh,” I whispered into the phone, causing the man to laugh whole-heartedly.
“Full benefits, we match 100% of what you put into your 401k plan, limited access to the building and of course complimentary tickets to the Staples Center events. Oh, and of course you'd be making three-hundred thousand, post taxes.”
All of the air left my lungs. I was one hundred percent speechless, and by the way I let out small puffs of air, I could tell Mike knew I was letting it all sink in, so he kept rambling on about the lesser things. The minor perks of accepting the position. By the way he casually spoke about them, I could tell he knew I was still trying to comprehend the offer.
Luckily, when he was done speaking, I was able to find my vocal cords.
“Yes, yes, yes, yes.” I breathed, my eyes filling with tears as I thought about everything that would come with this decision. I was heart broken to leave the Blackhawks organization, Sherry, and all of the amazing people I worked with, but I was so happy to start somewhere new. To make this kind of money and work in that kind of position. I loved being a busy body, I loved being surrounded by work, it was just too perfect.
“So, I can say you are verbally accepting this offer?”
“Oh my gosh, Mike, yes,” I laughed with him as I sat up and pushed some tears away from my eyes.
“I’ll e-mail you the offer and a few other papers, you just need to sign them and send them back to me and we can get it going,” I could hear the faint sound of rustling papers from the phone. “I’m very happy to have you on board, Emerson.”
Shaking my head, I smiled and laughed a little into the phone. “I have to say I'm pretty happy myself.”
After a few more words, I hung up the phone with Mike and instantly scrolled through my contacts to find Zacky’s number. Standing up, I hit his name and after the third ring, he answered.
“Morning, babe, what’s up?”
“Zack,” I was crying at this point, tears rushing down my face as I smiled and skipped around the living room. “Zack, Zack, Zack.”
“Jesus, Em, you okay? Talk to me baby, what happened?” He cooed into the phone, making me laugh.
Sighing, I made my way over to the couch and fell back into it, letting the oversized cushions consume my thing frame. After a few deep breaths, I lifted my free hand up and clenched my fist.
“I’m coming home.” I whispered.
With those three words, Zack started screaming on the other end of the phone. We stayed at this euphoric state for a few more minutes. I gushed about the job, the benefits and everything Mike had rambled to me in my moments of utter shock. I gushed about my new wardrobe and how excited I was to have my pick of a condo back home on the coast of California.
Then, as that thought faded, the lesser wanted things started to float back into my head. I started to get nervous, my voice started to shake, and I started to realize who would be infiltrating my life again. It had been six years since I had seen everyone face-to-face. Sure, I had seen the guys in photos plastered around social media and bills for their shows, but I had kept my distance ever since Jimmy had passed.
I stayed for three weeks after the funeral. I worked from home during the day, cried through some e-mails and drank a lot at night. I stayed with him through those three weeks. I spent night after night holding him while he cried himself to sleep. I calmed him down when he was raging drunk and screaming at the top of his lungs at four a.m. on the beach. I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed the back of his neck while he threw up stomach bile a few mornings after a night of drinking.
I cooked, I cleaned, I made sure that he took the right pills, at the right time, and with the right liquids. I had gotten so used to helping him, that I had forgotten about my life in Chicago, the life I had been walking a fine line with keeping as I stayed in Huntington Beach, trying to piece my friends life back together.
Matt was the first to realize that I needed to leave. He was soon followed by Val, who was followed by Johnny. In the end, Zack was given the task of sitting me down and giving me the real adult talk. We had grown up since I left for my job in Chicago straight from college. Everyone realized this now, realized leaving the hell hole of my life was for the best, even he came to terms with it.
But now, like this, it wasn’t when or how I should come back home. I wasn’t ready. I had so much to accomplish there, so much to see and so much to do. He held me as I cried, tightly, just like Jimmy used to when my mother used to beat me when I was younger.
“There’s going to be a time and place, Emmy,” Zacky cooed, “this isn’t it.”
I remember staring into his bright eyes, filled to the brim with tears. I remember how heavy my heart felt that night. I remember how hard he begged when I told him I was leaving. I remember how much he cried, how harsh his words were when he realized I wasn’t changing my mind.
Everyone had my back, everyone knew I needed to go back to my life. I think he knew too.
“Zacky,” I whispered into the phone, “I’m so scared.”
He sighed into the phone. I could almost picture his eyes, that wonderful color darkened by the overwhelming amount of sadness and guilt in his eyes. He knew how hard I took leaving him. He knew how fucked up I had gotten after I had lost Jimmy. He knew the medications I was on, he knew the schedule of my group and single therapies. He knew how hard I worked to get better, he knew how hard I worked to accept that he was gone.
He knew if anything was going to bring me back down, it was being around him, being pulled into him again.
“He’s grown up, you know.” Zack whispered, trying to make me feel a little bit better.
“Have you talked to him about it?” I whispered, my heart racing at the thought of him somehow being okay with me intruding into their lives again. Zack hummed, a tell-all sign that he had something to say but knew it wasn’t the right time or place to say it. “He’s not a fan of me moving back, huh?”
“Interested at first, but still a bitter prick.” I shut my eyes, remembering the night I told Brian I was leaving… again.
“I’ll keep my distance.”
“The fuck you are,” Zack snapped immediately. “I have been waiting for you to be a constant in my life since you left for Chicago, Em. Do you know how hard it was to talk to you that night? Do you know how hard I cried when you left? You’re back now, and you’re stuck with me.”
“I think I love you.” I laughed as I shut my eyes and let the anxiety welling up inside of me dissipate.
“You fucking better.”
In the beginning, when my supervisor mentioned the position, I applied for fun. I knew I was under qualified. I had never been a SVP before, I had never controlled a whole department, and I sure as hell never interacted with presidents and CEOs. Despite all of this, Sherry, my supervisor told me that I had the drive, determination, and nerves to be a SVP.
So, I applied.
Three weeks later, when the application was a faint memory, I got a phone call from the hiring manager. From there, I had four phone interview. A week after those were completed and I was pushing the progress to the back of my head, I was invited to Los Angeles for a three day trip, all included, to meet with a few key people in the company.
The interviews were some of the best talks I ever gave.
I flew home and received an e-mail with a ton of paper work to fill out and return. I had Sherry help me with most of it, making sure the answers to the questions were strong and well written. She had very little changes, if any.
Three days after I had sent the papers back, they told me I would be getting a phone call today, Monday, July 19th, between four and five in the afternoon, telling me if I had been passed up for the job. If I wasn’t they would present me an offer which I could accept or decline.
During this whole process, I had kept Sherry and a few friends from work in the loop. Everyone had the faith in me to swoop up from a Marketing Strategist and Organizer to a SVP. My biggest supporter though, was Zack.
That boy had been at my side since we were five, and every time I spoke to him about the job, he did nothing but boost my ego about it. He didn’t mention me moving back home, he didn’t mention re-connecting with everyone again, he didn’t mention everything I had been nervous about since I hit the apply button on the LA Kings website.
California left a bad taste in my mouth on several occasions. I had lost friends, I had lost family, and I had lost myself too many times to count. When I finally left, when I finally cut the ties with everything that had been tethering me down, I grew into who I knew I could be. I changed into the person I had been dying to be for such a long time.
There was a point where I had realized I needed to grow up.
So, I did.
Right in the middle of my mind wandering through old memories, the sleek phone sitting before me started to buzz. Hovering my hand over it, I shut my eyes and then grabbed it and sucked in a deep breath. Sliding my thumb across the screen, I put the phone to my ear and exhaled through my nose.
“Hello, Emerson speaking,” I managed to hold my voice together, but my eyes stayed tightly shut.
“Emerson, it’s Mike, you interviewed with me last when you were in Los Angeles.” The man’s voice instantly put an image in my head. Tall, short brown hair, piercing green eyes, a strong jaw line, and a bone snapping handshake. He would be the person I would report to, before it reported to the President / CEO.
“Mike, so nice to hear from you! How are you doing?”
“To be honest, sweating like a pig. The one hundred degree weather doesn’t help with making such delicate phone calls.” My heart started to crumble in my chest as a nervous laugh echoed through the phone.
“I can imagine,” I let out a soft chuckle as I opened my eyes, taking in the view of my condo living room. Letting my eyes roam around the modern furniture, I let the ends of my lips dip down as I slowly lowered my body back against the hardwood, letting my eyes trace over the bright white ceiling above me.
The man gave me some formal business speech. To be honest, I wasn’t paying much attention to his words. I was already feeling the heart break of it all. I didn’t want to live in California again, I thought. I planned on this whole application being a joke, a simple task done to silence the curiosity and the nagging from my Supervisor.
When I was flown out to Los Angeles, shown around, met the people I would be working with, and when I saw my office, I fell for it. I wanted this job. I wanted this job with every ounce of my being, no matter how hard it would be to face everyone I had left so many years ago.
“So, Emerson, on behalf of the Kings organization, we would like to extend to you an offer for the SVP position.”
The world began to crash around me.
“Oh my gosh,” I whispered into the phone, causing the man to laugh whole-heartedly.
“Full benefits, we match 100% of what you put into your 401k plan, limited access to the building and of course complimentary tickets to the Staples Center events. Oh, and of course you'd be making three-hundred thousand, post taxes.”
All of the air left my lungs. I was one hundred percent speechless, and by the way I let out small puffs of air, I could tell Mike knew I was letting it all sink in, so he kept rambling on about the lesser things. The minor perks of accepting the position. By the way he casually spoke about them, I could tell he knew I was still trying to comprehend the offer.
Luckily, when he was done speaking, I was able to find my vocal cords.
“Yes, yes, yes, yes.” I breathed, my eyes filling with tears as I thought about everything that would come with this decision. I was heart broken to leave the Blackhawks organization, Sherry, and all of the amazing people I worked with, but I was so happy to start somewhere new. To make this kind of money and work in that kind of position. I loved being a busy body, I loved being surrounded by work, it was just too perfect.
“So, I can say you are verbally accepting this offer?”
“Oh my gosh, Mike, yes,” I laughed with him as I sat up and pushed some tears away from my eyes.
“I’ll e-mail you the offer and a few other papers, you just need to sign them and send them back to me and we can get it going,” I could hear the faint sound of rustling papers from the phone. “I’m very happy to have you on board, Emerson.”
Shaking my head, I smiled and laughed a little into the phone. “I have to say I'm pretty happy myself.”
After a few more words, I hung up the phone with Mike and instantly scrolled through my contacts to find Zacky’s number. Standing up, I hit his name and after the third ring, he answered.
“Morning, babe, what’s up?”
“Zack,” I was crying at this point, tears rushing down my face as I smiled and skipped around the living room. “Zack, Zack, Zack.”
“Jesus, Em, you okay? Talk to me baby, what happened?” He cooed into the phone, making me laugh.
Sighing, I made my way over to the couch and fell back into it, letting the oversized cushions consume my thing frame. After a few deep breaths, I lifted my free hand up and clenched my fist.
“I’m coming home.” I whispered.
With those three words, Zack started screaming on the other end of the phone. We stayed at this euphoric state for a few more minutes. I gushed about the job, the benefits and everything Mike had rambled to me in my moments of utter shock. I gushed about my new wardrobe and how excited I was to have my pick of a condo back home on the coast of California.
Then, as that thought faded, the lesser wanted things started to float back into my head. I started to get nervous, my voice started to shake, and I started to realize who would be infiltrating my life again. It had been six years since I had seen everyone face-to-face. Sure, I had seen the guys in photos plastered around social media and bills for their shows, but I had kept my distance ever since Jimmy had passed.
I stayed for three weeks after the funeral. I worked from home during the day, cried through some e-mails and drank a lot at night. I stayed with him through those three weeks. I spent night after night holding him while he cried himself to sleep. I calmed him down when he was raging drunk and screaming at the top of his lungs at four a.m. on the beach. I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed the back of his neck while he threw up stomach bile a few mornings after a night of drinking.
I cooked, I cleaned, I made sure that he took the right pills, at the right time, and with the right liquids. I had gotten so used to helping him, that I had forgotten about my life in Chicago, the life I had been walking a fine line with keeping as I stayed in Huntington Beach, trying to piece my friends life back together.
Matt was the first to realize that I needed to leave. He was soon followed by Val, who was followed by Johnny. In the end, Zack was given the task of sitting me down and giving me the real adult talk. We had grown up since I left for my job in Chicago straight from college. Everyone realized this now, realized leaving the hell hole of my life was for the best, even he came to terms with it.
But now, like this, it wasn’t when or how I should come back home. I wasn’t ready. I had so much to accomplish there, so much to see and so much to do. He held me as I cried, tightly, just like Jimmy used to when my mother used to beat me when I was younger.
“There’s going to be a time and place, Emmy,” Zacky cooed, “this isn’t it.”
I remember staring into his bright eyes, filled to the brim with tears. I remember how heavy my heart felt that night. I remember how hard he begged when I told him I was leaving. I remember how much he cried, how harsh his words were when he realized I wasn’t changing my mind.
Everyone had my back, everyone knew I needed to go back to my life. I think he knew too.
“Zacky,” I whispered into the phone, “I’m so scared.”
He sighed into the phone. I could almost picture his eyes, that wonderful color darkened by the overwhelming amount of sadness and guilt in his eyes. He knew how hard I took leaving him. He knew how fucked up I had gotten after I had lost Jimmy. He knew the medications I was on, he knew the schedule of my group and single therapies. He knew how hard I worked to get better, he knew how hard I worked to accept that he was gone.
He knew if anything was going to bring me back down, it was being around him, being pulled into him again.
“He’s grown up, you know.” Zack whispered, trying to make me feel a little bit better.
“Have you talked to him about it?” I whispered, my heart racing at the thought of him somehow being okay with me intruding into their lives again. Zack hummed, a tell-all sign that he had something to say but knew it wasn’t the right time or place to say it. “He’s not a fan of me moving back, huh?”
“Interested at first, but still a bitter prick.” I shut my eyes, remembering the night I told Brian I was leaving… again.
“I’ll keep my distance.”
“The fuck you are,” Zack snapped immediately. “I have been waiting for you to be a constant in my life since you left for Chicago, Em. Do you know how hard it was to talk to you that night? Do you know how hard I cried when you left? You’re back now, and you’re stuck with me.”
“I think I love you.” I laughed as I shut my eyes and let the anxiety welling up inside of me dissipate.
“You fucking better.”
♠ ♠ ♠
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