Wounds

The small party Zack had put together for my return went flawlessly once I had pulled myself off of the guest bedroom floor and wiped the tears from my face. Pushing all of the emotions to the back of my head, I headed out to the backyard, beer in hand and let everyone’s voice keep me from thinking about the brunette upstairs.

For the rest of the night, he stayed in the house. No one asked where he was, no one asked me about him or what had happened. The night went on without a single bad feeling. I was warm for the first time in what felt like years. No, it wasn’t because of the warm air, it was because of the overwhelming love everyone in that backyard had for me.

They brought up memories from high school, college, and the boys touring. They told me funny stories and normally ended them with ‘I wish you were there,’ which in hindsight made me a little upset, but at the moment, I could only smile and feel a warmth rush through my body.

Back in Chicago, I had friends, but nothing stacked up to the kind of love this group of people had for each other. It was more than a friendship, it was like a family. If one person fell, everyone picked them back up. If they all crashed, they crashed together.

My mind whirled back into reality as I heard the sliding door shut from behind me. Blinking a few times, I pulled my eyes away from the now vacant seats around the fire pit and looked down into my cup of coffee. Sucking in a small breath, I blew onto the liquid and then brought the mug to my lips. Letting the hot liquid crash against my tongue, I shut my eyes and let the warmth relax me as I listened to whoever came into the backyard pull up the chair next to me.

Opening my eyes, I glanced over and let out a sigh of relief when I noticed an exhausted man sitting there, his bright eyes shimmering in the sun as he set his coffee in his lap and looked at me.

“I’m going to get used to freshly brewed coffee in the morning very fast,” he chuckled as he wiggled his eyebrows and took a sip from his mug, his lips curling into a smile. “This hasn’t happened since we were on tour and Jimmy-“

The world seemed to pause as Zacky did.

He didn’t continue his sentence. I feel like in him doing that, he created the tension that soon rose up in my body. It had been six years since we lost Jimmy, six long years of wondering what we could have done to change the outcome. Six years of laying awake in bed ay night wondering where he was, who he was sitting next to in his new other worldly form.

I always felt him around in one way or another.

“I’m so sorry, Em.”


“It’s been six years, babe,” I hummed as I pushed the swirl of emotions back down my throat. “I’m not going to make believe he was never real.” I pulled the coffee to my lips again and let the small streams of hot air hit my nose. “I like hearing stories about him, it makes it feel like he’s still here… somewhere.”

Zack and I looked at each other for a long few minutes. His bright eyes held mine, searching over every single spec of color before he nodded and then reached over and grabbed my right hand. Pushing his fingers through mine, he took a sip of his coffee and started talking.

He spoke about how Jimmy was always the first person to wake up on tour. How the man could play his heart out for an hour and a half, then chug a six pack of beer, a few mixed drinks, sleep and wake up at eight in the morning like he had a full seven hours of sleep the night before.

At first, the guys were worried about him, but when they realized that’s just how strange it was, they grew used to it. It was always nice to know when they were going or what state line the bus had crossed.

Once Zack was done on memory lane, he shut his eyes and let out a really long stream of air from between his lips. “I woke up to about fifteen text messages talking about how happy people are that you are home.” Zack’s eyes met mine, a smile on his lips. “It feels like you never even left,” his bright eyes were scanning the clouds in the sky as his fingers twitched against my own. “You just came back so seamlessly, like you strolled in from a weeks vacation. To think it’s been six years since we all hung out like that… It’s… Scary.”

“Well, get used to it.” I looked over at him, a wide smile on my lips. When his eyes met mine, he let out a loud laugh and then leaned down, pressing his lips to the top of my hand.

Sipping away at our coffee, we spoke about when I was moving into my new place. Apparently, the guys had already planned on helping me move everything in that day while Val, Lacey, and Michelle took me shopping. At first, when I heard all of my personal possessions were in the care of Zack and company, I was furious but he calmed me down quickly.


“We’re just making sure all of the boxes get from the truck to your house. You deserve some relaxation. No one’s going to be raiding your panty drawer, everyone’s happily expecting a child, well except me, but, you know.” He shrugged.

I laughed at this, thinking about the two women I had known since we were ratty teenagers. I thought about how perfect Johnny and Matt were going to be at taking on the role of a father. No matter what age, Matt had always had a way with kids. The age didn’t matter, they could have been rebellious fifteen year olds or fresh out of the womb.

He just… connected with them.

“Matt’s going to be an amazing father,” I hummed as I set my empty coffee mug down on the pavement, not bothering to fight Zack again on my moving in arrangements. “Have they thought of a name?”


“A few,” His eyes wandered around the backyard. “They were both taking about trying to incorporate James or Owen into the kids names.”


“That’s… That’s sweet.” I hummed as I pushed myself out of my chair. Blinking a few times, I turned to Zack and nodded my head, quickly pushing any sad thoughts away, “Any plans for the day?”

“No, why?”

“Do you feel like going shopping with me for house things? Lunch is on me.” I wiggled my eyebrows.


“Free lunch? You got yourself a date.”

Zack and I took about two hours to get ready. When I say we, I mean Zack. I showered, dried my hair, straightened some uneven spots, then applied lipstick and some mascara. I threw on a tank top, a pair of black shorts, slipped into my sneakers and I was finished.

He, on the other hand, took a half hour shower, spent another half hour fixing his eyebrows, then about twenty minutes to style his hair, and another forty to pick out something to wear.

If this is what living with him was, I honestly didn’t know how any of the guys managed to spend so much time locked in a tour bus with him. While I sat on the couch downstairs, I wondered how long Zack used to take to get ready for a show back when the smudged red eyeliner was a fad.

It was terrifying to think about.

Scrolling through the e-mails in my phone, I had just answered a few questions from co-workers back at the Chicago office when the brunette walked downstairs. As his eyes scanned over me a few times, he sucked in a sharp breath and quickly made his way into the kitchen.

I felt bad for a minute, that the man had to avoid me in his own house.

But that feeling passes. I was only here for a few more days anyway.

“I’m ready, darling,” Zack called out to me as he jogged down the stairs, shoving his wallet into the back of his jeans and his cell phone into his front pocket. When he reached the couch I had been sitting on, he smiled at me and wiggled his eyebrows. “All dolled up for me?”


“I should say the same to you,” I watched as Zack slapped a hand over his heart, “I mean it did take you five fucking years to shower and put clothes on.”

A snort echoed from the kitchen.

Zack hissed as he rolled his eyes and headed over to the front door. Without a word, he opened it and walked out, mumbling to himself, probably about how he didn’t take ‘five years’, although that’s exactly what it felt like.

Pulling myself from the couch, I adjusted my shorts and grabbed my wallet. Letting out a small sigh, I turned to the door but froze when I heard him call my name.

“Em,” a shiver ran down my spine as I looked out at the open door, “you look beautiful today.”


God, I wanted to punch him right in the face.


“Thanks.” I replied shortly.


“I never thought a little punk like you could clean up so well.” I could hear the smile in his voice. It made me want to forget everything that had happened yesterday. It made me want to press my face into his chest, take in that faint smell of cigarettes and cologne.

Nodding, I ran my eyes around the frame of the front door. I could feel him coming closer, it was like a sixth sense I had with him. I could always feel him when he was around. There was a time when I loved it, but now, I didn’t know what I thought about it.

“Brian, I have to go.”


“I don’t know how to make things right with you.” He sounded defeated, but I still refused to turn around. “After everything we’ve been through,” his fingers lightly ran down the side of my arm, sending firecrackers off throughout my whole body, “I just don’t want to lose you again.”


Shaking my head, I pulled my body away form him and finally found the courage to turn around. Looking up into his eyes, I almost caved. I wanted to throw myself into him so badly. I wanted to feel his arms around me, his breath hitting my neck.

I wanted to feel his lips on my bare skin.

I wanted to wake up to my face pressed against his chest.

“We aren’t eighteen anymore, Brian.” I hissed, trying to control the vibrating sensation running though my body as memories started to flood my head.

“There was always something between us, Em.” Those big brown eyes were so sad, it made my stomach knot to look at them.


“I’m leaving.” I tore my eyes from his, but I couldn’t move.


“Em, please.” He begged, but I couldn’t take it anymore.

Shaking my head, I ran a hand through my hair and turned away from him. Breathing heavy, trying to calm the anxiety rising inside of me, I walked out of the front door and slammed it shut behind me. Legs moving fast, I made my way over to Zack’s BMW and slid into the passengers seat.

Without word, he grabbed my hand, kissed my knuckles, and then waited for me to put my seatbelt on. As soon as he heard the click, he put the car in drive and headed down the road, not saying a single word to me as he set his hand down on my knee and gave it a small squeeze.

“You know,” Zack whispered as he rubbed his thumb in circled on my knee, “maybe you should give him a chance.”

Letting out a deep sigh, I shut my eyes and let clips of Brian and I rolling around in his sheets flash through my memory. Suppressing a shiver, I opened my eyes, focusing on the road ahead of us.

“It’s… not that easy.”