No Halo

Brian and I decided to order a beer as we leaned against the bar and watched the kids on the floor talk amongst themselves. As I sipped the drink and watched Owen talk to the bartender, I couldn’t help but to let my stomach twist itself into a painful knot. The brunette was all I could think about. I was worried she would be mad I was here, I was worried she would get freaked out that Brian and I were friends. I was worried she would be walking around with a boyfriend.

When I was halfway through my glass of beer, I heard Owen squeal and as I looked over at the small boy, worried out of my mind, my heart stopped.

Cameron was standing there, twirling Owen around in her arms as she kissed his cheeks around five hundred times. Once she stopped twirling, she pressed a big kiss to his forehead and then ruffled up his hair as he wrapped his arms around her neck and pressed his face into the side of hers.

The laugh that left her plump lips was deafening. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her as she walked over to Brian and pulled him into a tight hug. As his hands rubbed circles on her back, I felt a twinge of jealousy rise up inside of me. I tried to push it to the side, but the second I watched him kiss her forehead, the only thing I could do was take an extremely long sip of beer.

“Drinking like that isn’t healthy for a man of your age, Sanders” Cameron was standing next to me, the light smell of flower perfume and nicotine filling my head as I turned to her, my almost empty beer glass abandoned on the bar top as I ran my tongue over my bottom lip and sucked in a nervous breath.

I wasn’t sure what it was, but there was something about Cam smirking at me with her winged eyeliner and deep red lipstick that made me blush like a twelve year old boy seeing boobs for the first time. “I think I can handle it.”


“So, you know Brian?” Her eyes met mine, giving me a slightly annoyed look that I haven’t spilled the beans sooner. Shrugging a shoulder, I glanced over at Brian who was holding his son in one arm and a beer in his other hand.


“We’ve been friends since high school,” I began taking my beer and finishing the liquid at the bottom.
“We were in a band together, you know the band I told you about?”


Cameron’s smirk turned into a shit-eating grin as she looked up at me from under her thick lashes. “So you’re the infamous M. Shadows, huh?”


“You told her our fucking stage names, Brian?” I whipped around and watched as the grin that was on Cameron’s face showed up on Brian’s. Shrugging his shoulders, he brought his glass to his lips and shrugged his shoulders while Owen giggled at the interaction between us.

Turning back to Cam, I watched as she thanked the bartender for her drink and then took the small straw between her lips, smiling at me the whole time. Once she was done, she set it down and leaned against the bar, looking up at me with shimmering eyes. “Does that mean I can call you Professor Shadows in class?”


Slapping my hand against my forehead, I listened as Brian and Cameron let out howls of laughter as I rubbed my face with my hand and sat down on the bar stool in front of me. Dragging the skin under my eyes down, I let out a loud groan and sent Brian a cold glare before turning back to Cam.


“I prefer you not.” I muttered. 


“Hey, at least you didn’t name yourself after an inanimate object like Synyster Gates over here.” Cameron rolled her eyes causing a wide smile to surface on my lips. “Not only did he neglect the proper spelling of sinister, but he also named himself after giant slabs of metal. Last time I checked, rickety, old, rusty, gates can’t play a guitar very well.” Cameron’s eyes were on Brian as he flipped her off and then turned to the bartender and informed him that Cameron wasn’t allowed any more shitty drinks for the rest of the night.

Rolling her eyes, Cameron sipped her drink and then looked at me, ignoring Brian as he continued to shit talk her to the bartender. “I’m really happy you showed up.” Her eyes were soft as she looked at me, “Not so happy you’re friends with Brian and the rest of those numb-nuts, but happy none-the-less.”

“You met the rest of them, huh?” I felt myself cringe.


Nodding, Cameron sucked the last bit of liquid from her glass and then set it down on the bar. “Johnny is sweet, Michelle and I online shop together while the guys are recording shit in the studio, Owen is my little boyfriend, the other techs at the studio are amazing, and well, there’s Zacky but we haven’t gotten off on the right foot.” Cameron rolled her eyes and then cringed. “He’s sweet, seems to have a good heart but,” She shook her head and then glanced over as the bartender slide her a refill, “the boys sad when it comes to flirting.”

“Always has been,” I laughed and watched Cameron take a sip of her drink and shrug.


“He’s cute but not my type.” Cameron shrugged and then quickly glanced at me from under her thick lashes.


“Good,” I whispered and watched as she looked up at me, eyes wide, lips parted and fingers lightly gripping the straw in her glass. As she ran her eyes over mine a few hundred times, a blush rushed to her cheeks causing her chin to tilt down as soon as she felt the heat on her face.

Without a word, Cameron moved the straw to the side of the glass and then tilted her head back, letting the contents of the glass flow down her throat. Putting the empty glass on the bar top, Brian looked over at her and sighed in his over protective brotherly tone.


“That’s a drink, McKena, not a goddamn shot.”


“Relax, Gates,” Cameron snickered as she walked passed me and over to Owen. Giving him a big kiss and a tight hug, she looked up at Brian and then glanced at me. “I’m playing that song tonight, just getting ready.”


Brian’s features went from mildly annoyed to the depths of being worried within five-seconds. Shaking his head, he turned to me and mumbled something about watching Owen as he wrapped his arm around Cameron and walked her across the bar area and out of the side door where the bands had been loading in their gear.

Turning to Owen, he sent me a big smile and then walked over to me. Putting his arms up, I scooped the little boy up and placed him on my lap. “What’s up, Owen?”


“Daddy’s mad at Cam,” he rolled his eyes as he leaned his head against my chest and sighed. “He doesn’t want her to sing the Jazz song.”


“Jazz?” I inquired, watching the little boy yawn and rub his eyes.


“Yeah, Daddy told me it makes Cam really sad. It’s about her sister that isn’t here anymore.” Owen yawned again and then let out a long sigh. “I hope she goes on soon, I’m tired and it smells bad in here.”

Nodding my head, I looked up and watched as Cam stormed back inside, Brian quickly following behind her. Turning to him, she rattled off a few words, her hands animated at her sides and went to walk to the back of the stage when Brian grabbed her and pulled her into a tight hug.

They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity before they parted and Brian kissed her forehead and then they smiled at each other and went their separate ways.

I decided not to ask what that was about when Brian returned and let out a heavy sigh. Instead of telling me anything, he told me they would be on in a half hour once this band was done playing. Nodding, I wrapped my arm around Owen so he would watch the band from my lap and slowly sipped away at my next beer.

The band that played wasn’t horrible. They had a few catchy moments, but I couldn’t find myself getting into them. I couldn’t pay attention long enough to see if they were actually good or not. All I could do was think about when Brian and Owen had said over the last hour. I wanted to know what happened. I wanted to know everything about her, everything that made he hurt, everything that dragged her down to such a low point. I wanted to know about her sister, I wanted to be there for her the next time she fell apart.

I was deep in my own thoughts through the break between bands. I watched the people move around, go in and out of the side door and set up on stage. I watched her gracefully move across stage hooking up amps and pedals. I watched as she helped carry in the drummers things that they had set up outside. I watched as she skillfully helped him put everything together.

Then, before I could bring myself back into reality, her voice was echoing throughout the venue and the kids that had lined the floor were screaming, their hands in the air as she smiled into the mic.

“We are A Portrait of and I am so fucking psyched to see all of your beautiful faces tonight.” My heart thudded roughly in my chest as I watched her on the stage. I wished I was that relaxed when I took the stage when we used to play. “We have about six or seven songs to play tonight because our songs are short much like our attention span.”


“Mine only lasts about a ten-seconds which is why I play the same strings the whole song.” Dylan commented, making the crowd erupt into laughter along with Cameron.


Shaking her head, her fingers started working the guitar, a soft hum coming from the stage. “This is Rory Shield and I better fucking hear you.” She turned form the mic as the music picked up. As she turned back to the mic, her and Dylan went to sing into the mic when the whole crowd erupted into a loud ‘Woo!’. As they shook their heads, Cameron strummed away on the guitar, that gorgeous smile didn’t leave her lips until she started singing.

When she started singing, I felt everything in the world pause but her. My eyes were glued to her as she sang, her eyes fluttering shut and opening, her face contorting with emotions as the words flowed from her lips.

I watched her like this for three more songs. I was engulfed in her presence. I didn’t hear anything else, I didn’t look away to see what Brian and Owen were doing, I just watched her, feeling my heart beat roughly in my chest. When she smiled, I smiled. When she stared out into the crowd, shock and amazement dripping from her features as the see of kids screamed her words back at her, I looked at her with wide eyes, utterly amazed at how perfect she was.

“Okay, so this is the first time we’re playing this song,” I watched as the stage morphed. She was sitting on a stool in front of the mic with an acoustic guitar on her lap. “If you somehow know the words you can sing along, I would appreciate it.”

“I fucking told her.” Brian hissed as he looked on with worried eyes.

“Daddy, is this-“


“This is Smooth Jazz, I wrote it for my sister Amy.”

I felt my heart explode as she leaned into the mic and started singing. The pure hurt and sadness flowing through the room was enough to break me down. But then the crowd started softly singing with her, and I found myself smiling as she did, tears softly rolling down her cheeks.

”There's not a thing that I could say
To stop your blue eyes from fading to grey
And all the blood will rush to my head
And fall out of my mouth

Am I invisible now
To a friend in a hospital gown?
I'll still call your phone to hear your voice
Am I invisible now
To a friend in a hospital gown?
I'll still call your phone to hear your voice

I learned a lot about death before I grew up
I watched you begin to fade when I was eighteen
I swore that I would be okay
You told me that your biggest fear was waking up each day

So when I wake up in the morning
On top of blankets, fully clothed
I'll tear Death's fingers from my throat
To remind me that I'll never be alone”

The crowd didn’t stop cheering for the rest of the night. As the boys joined her back on the stage and handed her the electric guitar, she pulled the stool off to the side and quickly brushed the tears from her cheeks. As the drummer hit a few notes, Cameron started announcing the rest of their set.

As they started the next song, she sang and bounced around like nothing had happened, like she hadn’t just poured her heart out to everyone in the building. Getting back into the set, I watched them announce the last song. Once she started singing, the crowd almost drowned out the sound of her voice as they sang in unison.

Through the whole song, I could barely hear Cameron’s voice over the kids screaming back at her. The smile on her face was enough to light up the room. When the song was over and the crowd kept screaming, her melodic laugh filled the room follow by her announcing that they would be hanging by their march table in the back after they cleaned up.

Once the lights flicked on, I watched the brunette unplug her guitar and bolt off of the stage, down the steps, and right out of the side door. Worry washing over my face, I stood up and glanced at Brian. Without a word, he nodded his head once and with that, I quickly made my way over to the door and walked outside.

Looking around, I watched a small orange glow from a few hundred feet away. Following it, I made my way down a path and over to her sitting on a bench, her head tilted back, eyes tracing over every star in the sky as she kept her cigarette between her lips.


“Hey Matt,” I was taken back as she used my name instead of my last name. “You have fun?”


“You’re amazing.” I blurted out and watched as she pulled the cigarette from her lips and let out a long stream of smoke. “I’m blown away, to be honest.”


“This was a really good crowd too.” She whispered softly as she hurriedly finished her cigarette, stomped it out, and then lit another one. Inhaling deeply, she shut her eyes and bowed her head down, her body vibrating for a moment. “I’m still in shock they sang that loud to our closing song.”


“I could barely hear you.”


“I barely heard myself,” She admitted as she took a deep breath and exhaled the smoke from her nose.

We fell silent until she finished her second cigarette. Looking down at her pack, she rubbed the side of her face and then set them next to her and set her lighter on the top. Looking up at the sky, she shut her eyes and then turned her head and opened her eyes to stare right into mine.

“I’m really happy you came.” Her voice was barely a whisper.


“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I hummed and watched as she studied me for a minute. After a few hundred emotions ran across her face, she moved a little closer to me, her warm breath hitting my lips, making every nerve in my spine explode.

Holding her eyes in mine, I slipped my hand into the side of her cheek and glanced down at her lips. Swallowing hard, I counted to three inside of my head. By the time I got to two, she had pressed her lips to mine.

I held the kiss for what felt like an eternity. I wanted to deepen it, I wanted to push her up against the wall and leave marks across her neck, but instead I pulled away, pressing my forehead to hers as her big bright eyes looked up into mine.


“I’m sorry,” she breathed, her eyes wide as she looked down, “I just… I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time and-“

“If you’re just trying to get an A in the class, I’m a little hurt.” I smirked as I looked over at her, watching her worried expression turn into that shit-eating grin she wore so many times around me. Rolling her eyes, she ran a hand through her hair and looked at me.

“You caught me, Shadows.”

“You’re dead.”

We stared at each other, smiling like idiots until I leaned in and kissed her again. As she kissed back, my heart exploded in my chest.

Fuck, I love her.