Save Me

Matt often found himself in this position, sitting at his kitchen table staring at his laptop and scrolling through old photos. His brows furrowed in concentration, his eyes traced pictures of him and his younger sister.

Today marked the fourth year since she ran away from Huntington. She was hardly nineteen when she decided to take off in the middle of the night she swore she would never come home, and because of that nobody could track her down. They only knew that somewhere along the lines she had convinced her twin sister to join her.

It overwhelmed the Sanders when the two took off without a simple goodbye.
The family had never been separated like this before, and if they were it was only for a few days or hours, but they always made sure to keep in touch. When they were young, the family was very tightknit, you can imagine the devastating blow the family took when the twins turned off their phones and left for good.

The twins somewhere along the way fell away from the family deciding they no longer wanted to be a part of the family. Matt noticed it happened around the time he started leaving home more often…the girls were very attached to Matt and it upset them every time he left, maybe this was their way of punishing him for all those years. He wondered if he left them feeling abandoned.

He knew that Lila the younger twin was incredibly angry with Matt for making them stay with the parents she claimed never wanted her, while Lexi grew sad and disappointed that Matt had chosen his career over them. He didn’t blame them though they were hardly sixteen when he finished his first tour.

It started slowly. First they moved to Portland, Oregon and stayed for two years then it was Washington and after a year of that they moved to the East Coast and that was all that Matt and his family knew.

Lila was always like that. It was expected of her. She constantly distanced herself from the family, she didn’t show to holiday gatherings and she refused to show up for the once a month family gatherings. Where Lexi always showed up, it was a bit more of a shock when she followed the younger twin’s footsteps.

It seemed to hit her the hardest when her father’s illness started to kick up. Cancer isn’t an easy thing to take in no matter how old you are…especially when it was someone that close to you. The other family members told them that they would be there through thick and thin. Through the chemo and radiation treatments, whatever came about, well, they would be there.

Lila always had Lexi to fall on when her emotions failed her and it only got worse the older that she got. Matt knew inside that Lexi was afraid of what Lila might do if she was left on her own and he knew that was the only reason Lexi traveled with her.

The fear of losing their father ate at Lila’s core. She did what she always did, she ran away from the problem. If she couldn’t see it, well, it didn’t exist. She could tell herself it was fine even if Lexi tried to bring her back to reality she would simply shut it down and walk away.

Lila’s coping skills may not have been the best, with ignoring phone calls, text messages and all of the E-mails that were sent out. She found it was easier to not face them. Besides Matt would never tell Lila if the illness worsened, he kept up with Lexi knowing she was emotionally stronger.

Matt sighed as he enlarged one of the photos of him and Lila. She neared six while he sat at the age of eight. He laughed when he saw Jimmy in the corner of the picture throwing Lexi over his shoulder. He shook his head at the picture. The two siblings sat on an ugly flowered couch. Lila was snuggled close to him, her head on his shoulder while he protectively wrapped his arms around her. He had a huge dorky smile while Lila only smirked at the camera. She didn’t look amused, though in most pictures he had been looking through she never did have a big smile on her face. There was always a smirk or a pit of emptiness in her eyes.

He often found himself wondering if Lila was ever happy and what happened to make it to where she wasn’t. All of the other siblings including her twin found joy and excitement in life. Half of him prayed and hoped that Lila would find what she was looking for. He knew she always struggled with her identity.

Matt wouldn’t dare bring that up to the youngest Sanders…He didn’t dare bring any type of negativity into the conversations that they rarely had. He knew with one comment she could turn on him and cut him out of the picture much like she did to the rest of their family. Sure, he could always ask Lexi how Lila was but it wasn’t the same as hearing Lila’s voice. Don’t get Matt wrong, there were plenty of times he wanted to explode on his youngest sister. He was always worried about her well-being.

“Oh Lila.” He muttered to himself.

Matt, deeply enthralled in his thoughts, hadn’t noticed his wife walk into the kitchen. “You know,” She gently laid a loving hand on Matt’s shoulder. “We can visit them.” She sat next to her husband. “I don’t think it would be that heard to find them with the fan base you have.”

“The timing isn’t right. They’d never forgive me if I did something like that to them. I mean Lex might forgive me at some point but Lila…God, could you fuckin imagine?” He deeply exhaled. “It’s not happening.”

In these moments Val wasn’t sure how to help her husband. To her it all seemed simple. She had known the girls since they were teenagers, to her she could play it all out in her head, but Matt was right. Lila was a wild card.

“Matt, I know you think it’s pointless and that they will get pissed but I think they both need to know the extent of your father’s condition.” She paused not wanting to step on his toes. “It’s not getting any better and the girls deserve to know that its nearing time to say goodbye.”

Matt’s eyes narrowed at his wife. “Don’t talk like that. There is always a chance things could turn around.”

Val shrunk in her chair like a kid who had been scolded. “I’m just saying you should tell them the truth and not sugar coat the truth anymore. Matt, I know you want to protect them but they deserve to know.”

He shrugged, “I can’t. Lex is going to lose her shit and Lila…fuck. I don’t know what she would do! Could you imagine!?”

Val pushed her blond hair behind her ears. She stood to her feet and kissed her husband’s cheek. “You’ll do what’s right. You always do.” She started for the door. “I’m going to lunch with my mom. I’ll be back later today.” She slipped her shoes on and opened the front door. “At least call Lexi. You know it’s the right thing to do.”

Before Matt could respond to Val she was out the door.

He took in a deep breath and grabbed his cellphone out of his pocket. The phone rang a few times before he called the older twin.

“Hey it’s Lex. Leave me a message…unless it’s Jimmy. Then fuck off.” A small laugh at the end of her voicemail made Matt’s mood lighten up. Jimmy and Lex always had the strangest relationship.

“Hey Lex, it’s Matt. Give me a call when you can. I’m gonna try to call Lila since you didn’t answer. Love you, bye!”

He hung up and slowly pressed Lila’s number. In a way he had hoped she wouldn’t answer. He didn’t want to be the one to tell her.

“It’s Lila, sorry I missed your call. Bye!”

“Hey Lila, bug. It’s Matt…Callin to see what’s new. We are due for our monthly chat.” He teases. “There’s somethings I want to talk to you and Lex about. Nothing big, don’t panic. Give me a call when you get this. Love you kiddo.”

Matt set his phone on the table. He hoped he didn’t say too much. He knew if the voicemail sounded threatening, he would be risking her not calling him back at all.