Status: Playing with Words

Save Me

Damaged

Lila woke in the late afternoon with her head throbbing. She could barely open her eyes without shuttering in pain. What did she do? She grabbed her phone from the bedside table. Four text messages were from Zack. She groaned loudly and began to read them.

‘Lila, call me when you get this.’

‘Lila I’m not fucking around.’

‘It’s two Pm I’m coming over.’

‘Matt says you’re really sick. Talk to me Li.’

Lila pushed her blankets off of her thin body and slipped her pajama shorts on with her blink 182 tank top. Instant regret was filling up her body. She knew in her now sober mind that she had fucked up. She broke her sobriety and that alone was enough to bring Lila into a depression. She was doing incredibly well until she came back home.

Slowly she walked across the hallway and into the bathroom. She sighed looking into the mirror. She looked horrible. Last night’s make smeared across her face. Hair was ratty and stringy she didn’t recognize the person staring back at her. It was like high school all over again.

“Fuck.” She muttered.

She grabbed her toothbrush from the counter. Lila felt sick to her stomach…and it wasn’t because of the drugs and alcohol. The guilt was eating her alive, how was she going to face everyone downstairs. She’d gotten arrested...again. How was she going to explain that to Matt?

Lila had completely forgotten seeing her brother last night.

She softly brushed her hair and washed her face hoping to get some of last night’s shame off of her body. She took in a deep breath and started for the stairs. She heard Matt’s voice hush Zack when Lila began walking down the stairs.

‘Great.’ She thought. ‘Intervention time.’

She awkwardly passed the living room where Jimmy, Zack, Matt, and Lexi sat. She gave a small wave and headed into the kitchen to look for some sort of pain reliever. She grabbed a glass of water and swallowed the four Tylenol that she found.

Footsteps were coming towards her and she hoped if she kept her eyes closed that person wouldn’t try to talk to her, but this was reality even though she wasn’t quite in it yet she knew that that person wasn’t going to fade away.

Slowly she turned around to see Jimmy’s tall figure blocking the doorway, making it difficult for her to walk right back upstairs.

Jimmy’s blue eyes peered at her with complete sadness and worry. “Li.” He started to walk towards her with open arms but she moved out of the way.

She knew inside she didn’t deserve love not after everything she had just put them through. “Don’t.” She warned.

He dropped his arms down to his side. A small frown pressed on his lips as stared at her. He didn’t want to let her walk away from this situation. Before Lila had woken, the group decided it was best to face this head on with either pure love, or tough love depending on which one Lila would respond too.

Jimmy leaned against the counter beside Lila not saying a word to her about the night before. He knew that when he was hung over the last thing he wanted was somebody preaching in his face. This seemed different though. This was the little girl he’d grown up with and it was difficult for him to see her walk the old path that many of them had chosen. He knew Lila was still in an internal battle with herself. She was fighting many demons just find some sort of peace and sanity every single day.

“We’re here for you.” He gently rubbed her back, “And you need to know that. I know you got a lot going on in the mind of yours and I’m not going to pressure you to talk to me or anyone.” He paused. “You’re better than this though.”

Lila rolled her eyes. “Thanks Jimmy. I’m fine. You and everyone else don’t need to worry about me. I slipped up big fucking deal.” She nudged away from Jimmy’s hand. “Don’t touch me please.” Her eyes looked up at Jimmy begging him to be understanding. “Just don’t. I don’t need anyone.” She shook her head as if saying no over and over again.

She forced a small smile on her face reassuring Jimmy that she was fine. She exited the kitchen only to be stopped by Matt at the stairs. She rolled her eyes. What now. Did everybody have something to say to her today? Why was everyone always against her?

He gave pleading eyes for her to just think for one second what they were going through. She lazily smirked and turned to face Lexi and Zack. She could see Jimmy making his way back to the couch but Matt wasn’t budging from the staircase.

“I mean, just fucking say whatever you guys need to say. I don’t care what you have to say honestly. I slipped up I fucked up!” She yelled. “I’m not seventeen anymore I don’t need you guys worrying and freaking out every time I fail. I am OK.” She tried to be as convincing as possible but nobody budged from their seats and their eyes still focused on Lila.

“Lila. You’re going home.” Matt softly said. “Lexi and I talked and-”

Lila’s hazel eyes widened. Why were they always trying to get rid of her? She could feel tears pricking at her eyes but not because she was said. She couldn’t hold her anger in anymore emotions ran high in her body. Lila didn’t know exactly what she was feeling and she knew anything that came out of her mouth was going to cause instant pain to whoever she said it too but she was too heated to give a damn about other people’s feelings.

“Fuck you! This is so fucking typical of you Matt. Always trying to get rid of me and pretend I don’t exist. Like when you went on tour and forgot about me, Matt?” She quickly wiped the tears that were falling down her face, “Or when I stayed in the hospital and you never came to visit me!? Don’t try to tell me this is for my own good because I know and you know that this is all to make you feel better. You aren’t doing this for me. You are doing it for your own selfish fucking self.” She couldn’t control it anymore she was in full blown panic. Her tears wouldn’t stop falling and her body felt like it was going to collapse.

“Lila,” Lexi rested her hand on her twins shaking shoulder. “This is for the best. You’re going through a lot. We’ll go home and get back on track.”

Lila sat at the bottom stair next to Matt finally giving in. “I don’t want to go home.” She cried in his chest. “Please don’t make me go home. I can’t not yet. Not with Dad being sick…please. I’ll do better.”

Zack’s heart completely broke at the scene of Lila’s breakdown. He knew that she was ill but hadn’t known what Matt was talking about until Jimmy explained it to him and now he was watching it unfold in front of him. Lila was resorting back to being a child and begging for just one more chance to prove to her big brother she would be fine.

Zack knew that she had been dealing with anxiety and depression her whole life but this, well, this was the bpd and bad coping skills that Lila had formed at an early age. Inside he wondered if she was even telling the truth. Would she try to change her ways if Matt allowed her to stay or would she continue doing the same thing over and over?

How could anyone help her when she herself was still trying to figure out how to deal with her highs and her lows? The random out bursts that nobody understood? How were they going to trust Lila when Lila didn’t even trust herself being in Huntington again? Zack wondered what they were in for if Lila did stay…what would happen if she went full blown manic and disappeared again. Would she end up in jail again or would she end up dead?

That was one thing that the group couldn’t handle the thought of. She needed help whether she liked it or not. This is what needed to be done.
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Anybody have any thoughts?