Cubicles

October 15th, 2005.
My first day on the floor of my new job. K-mart. I was going to be a cashier. Didn't seem like hard work. Scanning stuff? Please. I was upstairs with one of the managers, getting my vest, and my nametag. Then we went downstairs onto the floor to meet my trainer. I followed her to the front checkouts, punched in, and I met my trainer. Frank was his name. He was a really nice guy.

"Welcome to the team," he said.

"Thanks," I said.

The manager was leaving, so she left me with Frank and we opened up on register two. Frank was teaching me the register. Nothing to hard. Random button pressing. Sliding things over a glass thing. Not hard. At around five was when he walked in, taking his place behind the One Hour Photo counter. Trying to learn the register and keeping my eyes off him was hard. He was so good looking. Not really tall, but taller than me, but quite skinny. Light brown hair. Glasses like mine. It was an instant crush.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Weeks kept passing. I found out Frank was friends with him. I myself never had the nerve to talk to him. I found out his name was Mikey. I had become pretty good friends with Frank, but I never told him of my crush. Ana, another cashier, knew of it however. She told me that one day she'd get us talking, because they were cool with each other too. Ana also thought he was cute, but she had her own boyfriend. He was a cop.

More weeks passed. Every time a new schedule was put up, I would look to see if I'd be working the same time he would be. Time to time I would be. Those were the nights I couldn't wait to work. I would be on my break, sitting there, with a piece of paper, and a pen, writing notes. Notes to Mikey.

It's the tearing sound of love notes. Drowning out these grey stained windows.

I couldn't give them to him though. He would think I was crazy. I would write them, then rip them up and throw them away, sigh, and go out back to my register. I remember one particular night, I was the only one there. Ana was on her break. The line kept building. It got busy.

"I can take customers over here!" he shouted, running to get behind his counter to ring some people up.

I looked his way and smiled, but he wasn't looking towards me. I had the urge to shout out thanks, but it just was too busy and I had to work fast so people wouldn't start complaining. The lines died down, and he went back to whatever it was he was doing. I just would look outside at the night.

And the view outside is sterile. But I'm only two cubes down.

I was off in la-la land. Thinking of life if I could have him.

We could be in the park and dancing by a tree, kicking over blades we see. Or a dark beach, with a black view. And pinpricks and the velvet catch our fall.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The end of January. Ana and I had come up with a plan. She was determined to get us to talking to each other. It was a Friday night, she was working, and he was too. I was off, but I got a call asking if I wanted to come in. I said I couldn't, not knowing I would regret it later. I didn't want to work it because Saturday I was working from 3:00 till 10:30 pm, and I had to open the next day at 8:00, and work till 4:00. I needed my rest. Plus, Saturday, I would see Mikey for about two hours anyways, and he was scheduled to open on Sunday too.

Ana told me she would talk to him, and try to learn more about him for me. I nervously walked in Saturday. That was the day we all had that one hour frame where we'd be on the clock at the same time. The day she said she would break the ice between us. At this point, I was no longer a cashier all the time. I was transferring to jewelry, and fashions too. This particular night I was in Jewelry. I prepared up there, and headed to the checkouts to see if I had my strays for my department, and also to see Ana and get this over with.

It all came crashing down after I saw Ray, one of the other guys working in One Hour Photo. I walked up to Ana

"Where's Mikey?" I said in a low voice.

She just came out and said it. "He quit, this morning."

I felt like I just got punched in the face or something. "Quit? As in, he doesn't work here anymore?"

"Yeah. Something about him and the dress code and he just quit," she said.

"Oh," I hung my head. "Damn."

"I'm sorry. Don't be depressed though."

"I'm not," I said. Lie, I wanted to cry.I'll photocopy all the things that we could be, if you took the time to notice me. But you can't now. I don't blame you. And it's not your fault that no one ever does, but you don't work here anymore. It's just a vacant three by four.

"At least there's Bob," I said.

Bob was another cute guy that worked in One Hour Photo. He was barely ever sober though, but he was still cute. I didn't like him as much as Mikey though.

And they might fill your place, a temporary stand-in for your face.

Another guy I liked, gone out of my life.

This happens all the time, and I can't help but think I'll die alone.

Two months have passed since he quit. I can still see his face. It seems like it's permanently burned in my mind. I still miss him though. I miss him a lot, and I'm just waiting for that day when he'll come back, at least to shop or something. I said I would regret not working that Friday night. I should have taken it as a sign. I should have went in and worked. I kick myself still for not. I feel like I'm destined to be single and die alone.

Sometimes I'll think I'll die alone. Live and breath and die alone. I think I'd like to die alone. I think I'll love to die alone.