God Please

Chocolate brown eyes of tortured desperation searched the dreary scene outside of the rain plagued hospital window. His heart was in his throat, his stomach in knots so tight it hurt with every breath. Every sound turned his head, every voice caused his eyes to dart. It was as if he was totally alone in this, though he knew the four men he called his brothers had his back to the end. Even if one was only in spirit.

He missed Jimmy. The beloved drummer had always been the best shoulder to lean on in a crisis. The others were there, no doubt, but there was something about the blue eyed man's countenance that always calmed him in the worst times. Yes, it had been eight years since they last spoke, but it seemed like yesterday at the same time. He couldn't think about him right now, he had a dire situation at hand.

His wife was in the operating table with their unborn son's life hanging in the balance, as well as her own. He just couldn't understand how this had happened. He had been admittedly surprised for some reason when they found out, but they immediately began changing their diet and lifestyle accordingly in preparation for their first child. Every doctor's appointment, every checkup, every ultrasound was normal. Perfect even, as the doctor had told them as of last week. How in the world the love of his life was now hemorrhaging and barely clinging to life, he didn't know.

In that moment, his phone rang, and he jumped out of his seat with fright from the sudden intrusion to his thoughts. A quick check of caller I. D. told him it was someone he actually cared to talk to, and the answer came in an almost breathless gasp.

"Matt!"

"Brian, hey man. How is she? Any news?"

"Nothing. I'm losing my mind, man. I don't know what to do!"

"We just got back in town. We're dropping the kids off at Val's parents, and we should be there in twenty minutes. Half hour tops, okay?"

"Yeah, okay. "

"Is anyone else there?"

"No. Zack won't answer his phone. Johnny said he was on his way but I'm not too sure how quick he can make it from Vegas. Oh, and my Dad said he can't get a flight out of London until tomorrow. " he rambled out, pacing numbly now as he hung onto the connection like it could change everything.

"Val and I are on our way now. Just got the kids into their grandparents, we are coming. Just hang tight."

"Yeah, okay. " he mumbled as the line broke.

He must have paced the same patch of cold linoleum hundreds of times. It was the only thing he had. It was the only thing that was certain right now. It didn't keep his mind occupied, but it kept him from going totally insane.

"Excuse me!" he blurted upon seeing the only other human in what seemed like decades. "Can you tell me how my wife is doing?"

"Mr. Haner? " the visibly startled nurse questioned to be sure before her features softened to a level that deeply concerned the guitarist. "No one has come out to speak with you yet?"

"No! What's happening?" trembling lips shouted at nearly the top of his lungs.

"Let me see if the surgeon is able to step away a moment. "

"Please. " he nodded quickly, Nike clad feet immediately returning to their harsh pacing.

The clock on the wall pressed on, its hands gliding forward vigilantly as if nothing was wrong and nothing was out of the ordinary. Meanwhile, heavily inked fingers tore through usually flawless hair as if the action was his saving grace; like it could give him a chance to make things alright. That was all he wanted. He didn't necessarily want yesterday back, he just wanted morning to come with his wife and child in his arms.

"Mr. Han--"

"Yes!" he darted so quickly to the middle aged man, that he nearly ran into him. "How is my wife?!"

"We aren't sure yet, she is still in surgery. Please, sit down so-"

"No, I don't want to sit down! I have been sitting for hours! Please just tell me how they are!"

"Mr. Haner, " he began wearily, obviously fully drained from the ordeal unfolding in the other room. "Emily has lost a lot of blood. Her vitals are all over the charts, but she is fighting, I want you to know that. However, your son, he... "

"What? Is he here? Is he in NICU?"

"I'm sorry to say he isn't, Mr. Haner."

"What?! What do you mean?" panic filled eyes darted back and forth in a desperate attempt to see some glimmer of hope in the surgeon's face. He found none.

"We did all we could, but we were unable to save him. "

"No!!!! No!!!! You have to be able to do something! Please!!" the words screamed off of his lips as loudly as he had ever heard himself yell before, and suddenly all he could hear was his heart rate beating in his ears. He felt nauseous and a searing fire rushed over his body. He felt like he was going to pass out. Unfortunately, that did not happen. At least then he wouldn't feel so useless for a little while.

Several medical professionals rushed to his aid in case such a thing occurred, and they guided him back over to the same chair he had been stuck in for the better part of five hours. He was sickened, in shock, and suddenly aware of how helpless he really was in this world. Two staff members stayed with him for several minutes before they felt he was stable enough to leave him be as he had asked a few times.

There wasn't a single thing these people could do for him. Coffee wasn't going to help. Cigarettes wouldn't faze it. Not even several bottles of Vodka would calm this feeling welling up inside him. Not long after they honored his request, he glanced off to the side at the age old book that so many people based their lives on. Shaking fingers weakly picked up the red hardcover copy of the Bible and a half sigh, half grunt left him.

"Look God...." he started quietly, unsure of how to continue. "I don't know how all this works. I don't know really anything about you. I have family that talks to you all the time like you're just sitting next to them having coffee. The majority of the world believes in you in some form or another, and while I'm not closed to the idea, I just don't know what all of it means or is supposed to mean," quaking lips said with a peek upwards towards the ceiling. Though he wondered if he was crazy, he continued on out of desperation. "For the first time in almost twenty years, I'm facing something money can't fix. My name can't fix this. My band can't pull strings to make this all okay. You're all I've got, if you're even listening. Please, I will do anything. My son is gone, and I can't even register that right now. Can't even imagine leaving this place without him, but please. I will do anything. Don't take Em from me. She means more to me than I could have ever dreamed. Please help her. I will do whatever I have to to make sure she gets better, but please don't let her go. Don't take my love from me. Please. "

The last word broke the barrier of numbness that had settled in over him, and tears of the deepest heartache began flooding his cheeks. One right after another, he could not stop them if he wanted to. What he had ever done to deserve this, he didn't know. He just wanted to be able to hold his wife and kiss her, he longed to tell her he loved her.

He wasn't sure how much time went by, if any at all, before Matt and Val were by his side. The singer yanked him into a strong embrace, and his wife wrapped her arms around both. Brian barely choked out the news he was given, and shortly there after, he had at least one more set of tears falling into his shirt besides his own. He couldn't tell who it was from, and he wasn't entirely sure it wasn't from both. It seemed he couldn't move. Couldn't think. All he could do was feel. The pain was unlike anything he had ever experienced in his life.

The trio stayed this way until they felt the guitarist relax a little bit. When they let go, they found that he had cried himself to sleep. While he was slumbering, the others arrived one by one. Zack first, then Johnny, shortly followed by each of the Berry twins. Johnny left briefly to bring everyone snacks and coffee, while the rhythm guitarist went off to find a blanket for his friend. Though he wasn't out too long, the others were glad he was able to rest some.

When he awoke, it took him a moment to realize where he was. As terrible as the situation was that he found himself in, he still preferred it to the series of nightmares that had viciously ravaged his rest. They were too horrific to even begin to describe, and he knew it would do nothing to ease the stress within and around him. About fifteen minutes went by until a nurse came into the room. She suddenly had seven people swarm her personal space to the point she had to take a step back.

"Mr. Haner, your wife is in the recovery room. We were able to stop the bleeding. "

The room was suddenly abuzz with thankful sounds and exclamations, and Brian let out a loud cry of his own. "When can I see her?"

"I'm not sure just yet. She is heavily sedated and the plan is to keep her that way for a while. I know I would be desperate to see my husband if I was in your situation, and we will bring you back just as soon as we can. We want her vitals to stabilize some first, though."

"Look, miss. " Zack said with a step through the little circle to be heard more clearly than trying to talk through three others. "I know you guys are doing all you can, and we are really grateful you are. Brian, he's....I mean, look. They just lost their baby, he has been waiting for over six hours for some sort of news. Can he please just see her? Not asking for a full on visit, but is there a way he could just peak in to be able to see for himself that she's okay?"

The blonde hesitated a moment before giving a small nod. "I can't let you go in to talk to her, but there is a glass pane on the door that I can let you look in on her. How's that?"

"Anything, yes. Please, " the brown eyed man breathed. With a quick nod to Zack as a thanks, he turned to follow the grey scrub clad nurse.

When they finally came to the recovery room, the guitarist gulped back the lump that rose in his throat. He was admittedly nervous about what he was about to see. Nothing but a two inch thick beige steel door separated him from the woman who he would give anything to hold, and yet he almost couldn't walk up to it.

"She's okay, Brian. The only thing she is hooked up to is an I. V." the words calmed him enough to press on, and soon the warm palms of his hands met the stark coldness of the door.

With a deep inward breath, his eyes lifted to see the only woman who had ever really and truly held his heart. Just as the nurse said, it was just a simple I. V. she had in her arm. Her long beautiful brunette locks were mostly hidden under the shower cap like hair net left over from surgery. Dark lashes lay heavily against her cheek, and though she was very visibly pale, she just looked like she was sleeping.

"Has she been awake at all?"

"Yes, once. Very briefly. She asked for you. We assured her you were here and everything was okay. "

He nodded, though he couldn't disagree more. Everything was most certainly not okay. In fact, nothing was okay. His heart felt like it had been tripped from his chest, thrown into a trash compactor, then into a paper shredder, before being violently jammed back into his body. That was putting it lightly.

A few tears escaped him as he looked on. How in the world was he supposed to tell her their child was gone when she woke up? What is even worse than that, how in the world were they supposed to walk into the empty nursery that was completely ready for a baby they didn't have? His little name was even painted on the wall above the crib. They couldn't just cover it up, but at the same time, how could they leave it?

The only thing he was sure of was that his prayer had been answered. If nothing else, he would force himself to thank God as often as he thought to for sparing his wife's life. He didn't know how he would have be able to walk out of this hospital without her.

As they left the heartbreaking scene, a team of doctors and nurses rushed past him with a very pregnant woman on a gurney. Her groans and cries pierced through his heart and for some strange reason, he found himself saying a prayer for her. It wasn't anything elaborate or deep, he simply asked for God to help her and her baby.

The room was slightly fuller than it had been before he left, with a man and two older ladies huddled together off in the corner. It was apparent that they were the family of the woman he had crossed paths with in the hallway and he felt bad for them. Not that there was anything he could do, but he didn't wish what he was going through on anyone.

"Hey man, how is she?" Johnny asked as soon as the guitarist was close enough that he wouldn't have to shout.

"Looks like she is sleeping. She looks okay, she isn't hooked up to a bunch of machines or anything. "

"I brought you some coffee and a cheeseburger from the cafeteria," Matt Berry stated and extended the items for him.

"I don't want anything. "

"You need to eat, B. " the singer's wife encouraged with a squeeze to his shoulder.

"Fine." taking the items into his hands, he took a quick sip of the steaming beverage. "I don't know what I'm going to do."

"I don't think there is any right or wrong answer. You just need to worry about each moment as it comes. Get some food in your stomach, and we'll go smoke if you want. Once the doctor comes back with an update, we will just have to go from there, " the green eyed man offered.

"Zack's right. Just keep doing what you're doing and we will figured things out as we go. I know this doesn't sound remotely true right now, but it's going to work out. Things will be okay. It may take a long time, but we're all here for you man. We're not going anywhere. "

"Thanks guys. Sure as heck wouldn't be standing here without you. I'm gonna.... Go smoke. Alone. I need a minute to breathe. If they come out, call me. " leaving the group behind, he made his way down to the next floor to sit on one of the many concrete benches in the rooftop garden.

Looking up at the stars that now blanketed the sky, he pushed everything out of his mind as best he could. Matt and Zack were right. He had to take things one moment at a time. The plan was to smoke a cigarette, or half a dozen, nurse down some of his coffee, and then he would call his dad and in-laws. It may not be right that he hadn't already, but he had to be able to speak without bawling his eyes out. The tears kept coming in waves. He would smoke a little, eat a little, drink a bit, then take a cry break. His heart was breaking further by the minute, but he somehow he knew that by the end of this cycle of the burger, coffee, and third Marlboro that he would be able to make those calls. What he would do after that, he couldn't fathom, but he would deal with it when the time came. He was just thankful he didn't have to do it alone.