Second Chance

The outpouring from the Avenged family on the news that they had been given the opportunity to adopt the precious little Martinez boy was good. A lot of questions had been raised, including some that neither of them had thought of, but they proved to be thought provoking. What would happen down the road when and if they had their own children? He had beautifully tanned skin, and any potential siblings would be fair skinned as Brian and Emily were. Would that affect him in school? What about how he would feel as he grew, knowing the family he was born into? Neither the Haners nor the Martinez’s would want it any other way, but how would their sweet boy feel knowing that his real parents had adopted him out? Would he be angry? Would he adjust to the new life alright? What happened if he turned 13 and told his adoptive parents he wanted to go back to live with his birth family?

These were just a few of the aspects of the whole thing that had been brought up. Some of those questions hurt to think about, but it was necessary that they did. It wasn’t like they were contemplating adopting a cute little doggie, or taking on a foreign exchange student for a semester. All in all, everyone felt like they were able to present their thoughts, concerns, and ask everything they felt they needed to; including the guitarist and his wife, which was super important. For the first time in a long time, everyone felt at peace again, like they were in the loop once again.

In the days since, Brian kept plugging away on the handful of pieces he was working on, and Emily had thrown herself back into her own work. She felt like she saw Val twice as much as she saw her own husband, but they were really brainstorming and working on getting their business plans. A lot was getting accomplished between the couple, and that was good for the soul. The only thing that hadn’t seen any progress was in their conversations about whether or not to adopt little Mateo. That was about to change, though.

It was Sunday morning, and despite the fact it wasn’t yet six am, the Avengedman found himself awake. He lay in bed on his side facing the window for God knows how long. His brain wouldn’t turn off. He hadn’t slept well in the first place, and now his eyes wouldn’t stay closed if he glued them shut at this point, he was pretty sure. A sigh fell out of thin lips and he fell back on his back in exasperation. This. Was. Freaking. Ridiculous.

His pick hand came up to ghost over his soundly sleeping wife’s shoulder, but after a moment’s hesitation, he dropped it. It wasn’t fair to her to wake her when she hadn’t made it to bed until after two a.m. Over the next fifteen minutes, he did everything he could think of to push back all of the thoughts that were running amuck in his sleep deprived brain, but nothing helped. He was going out of his mind.

“Baby,” he whispered gently into the still early morning air.

Her breathing remained slow and steady. Ever deep and peaceful, the fact that he even thought about trying again made him feel guilty.

“Baby,” she began to stir out of her slumbered state, and the older man pressed a hand to the cool skin of her bare shoulder with a slight shake to encourage that trend. “Babe.”

“Mm-what?” sleep sticky eyes peeled open one at a time and she attempted to peer through the fogginess that should have been her vision. A clammy hand came to one of her eyes to aid in relieving the blurriness. “What time is it?”

“About six. Maybe a couple of minutes after.”

“What’s wrong, babe?” she mumbled tiredly.

“Haven’t slept much since you came to bed.”

“Did I steal the covers? I’m sorry.” She almost drawled now, and pushed up on her pillows a little bit so she wouldn’t be as likely to fall back asleep.

“No, it had nothing to do with you. I just haven’t slept well at all, and I can’t sleep now.”

“How can I help, honey?” a yawn left soft pink lips now, and she blindly felt around until she found his arm to give it a lazy pat.

“We need to talk about everything.” He sucked his bottom lip between his teeth to chew on for a moment before he continued. “Every day since we got back from Big Bear, my stomach has been in knots. I’m emotionally drained, I feel like I can’t think straight, and every spare moment seems to land back on the one thing we’ve needed to talk about since then, but never seem to get around to fully addressing in more than three or four minutes every once in a while.”

“Adopting Mateo,” she said knowingly.

“Yes, baby. We need to make a decision. I’m every bit as concerned as you are, and about as many things as you are, even when it comes to just talking about it, but I can’t take the suspense anymore.”

“I hear you, babe.” She mumbled as she moved to get out of bed. “Let me go to the bathroom real quick and we’ll figure it out.”

The lead blew out an anxious breath he hadn’t known he was holding and haphazardly flung an arm over his eyes while he waited. He truly did hate to ask her to get up, especially when he knew how tired she was, but his heart felt like it was in a vice, and it had for too long.

“Do you want to go out for breakfast?” Emily called from the other side of the slightly cracked bathroom door.

Being out in public right now? Not really his idea of fun, nor what he wanted to do at six am, but he couldn’t deny the thought of food sounded good. Food he didn’t have to bother with cooking himself, moreover, was definitely a bonus.

“We can do that,” he said just before he let out a breathy sigh. “Let me get my ass out of bed and throw on some clothes.”

*

The pair ended up driving about 45 minutes up the coast to one of their favorite little hidden gem of a café, and by the time they got there, it was nearing seven thirty. The small eatery had already been open for thirty minutes, but it wasn’t overly populated yet, which they were thankful for. Heavenly smells of strong, fresh coffee, and all different types of bread filled the air around them. It was pleasant, and did well to help ease the tension that hung in the air between them.

“I guess I’m just afraid,” he admitted about five minutes after their orders had been taken, and he looped three fingers into the handle of the orange, red, and black coffee mug before him loosely. It took chocolate brown eyes quite a little bit to realize they had nowhere else to land but on the soft features of his wife’s face across from him. “This entire thing scares the living shit out of me, Em.”

It was the first time in probably ten years that she saw that look in his eyes. It was one that reflected his words. Fear of the unknown, and it was something that she’d probably only seen twice in their entire relationship together. It both came as a relief and brought a fresh wave of concerns to settle into her chest.

“I don’t know what I’m doing here. I swear to God, I’m not trying to be flaky, or seem like I’m going back and forth on everything, but I seriously don’t have a clue as to what is happening in my life. Or our life together, for that matter.” He let go of the words easier than he’d thought he would, but he still felt just as uneasy now that they hung out in the open between them. “Please say something, baby.”

“It’s good to hear you say that,” she breathed quietly.

“Really?”

“Yeah. To be honest, you’re usually pretty strong when it comes to everything, and I started to feel like there was something wrong with me.”

“Are you afraid, too?”

“Scared out of my mind is a bit more accurate, but we’ll go with afraid.” A smile graced her lips now, and it brightened her features quite a bit. God, he loved that smile.

“I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse…..” he said, but a little grin crept up on his face anyhow.

“I just feel like I’m living in some parallel universe, and at any moment, someone’s going to call and say, ‘There’s been a mix up’…..” she didn’t have to finish the sentence for Brian to know where she was going with it. “But we’re here now, and I truly am trying to put the pieces together in my head. Some days I feel like I see where we’re headed and I’m okay with it, and other days I’m afraid to fit the next piece in where it goes.”

“I definitely get it, baby. I’m a wreck some days.”

“Really? Still?” she questioned despite the fact she hadn’t meant to say it out loud. “I thought you were doing better?”

“I am, but I’m still all over the place. Hell, some days I go into the studio and stare at my guitar or a blank sheet of paper for an hour before I can pull myself together enough to actually touch it. Sometimes I can shake it, other times I end up getting lost in analyzing the pieces I’ve written recently. That’s why the waste basket next to the table there is usually full. I can’t concentrate for the life of me.”

Emily was quiet for a moment. She wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that. Her heart ached for him, but what comfort could she really offer? She was basically in the same boat. She definitely still grieved for Grey, but the situation with Mateo had become the forefront of her thoughts just about since the afternoon they were called to the hospital when he had his last scare.

“Baby, I can’t live like this. We have to make a decision. It’s time.”

Plush unpainted lips breathed in and out two, three, four times before she gave any sort of outward sign that she planned on responding to him. Even then, it was a small sigh and a flick of her eyes away from him.

Thought he wanted to urge her to say something, anything right now, he pressed his tongue against his teeth to keep from doing so. It wasn’t like they were discussing the weather, what to do today, or even where to vacation in six months. This was serious, painful, stressful, and he knew he needed to give her time.

Just as she finally found the words to say, the waiter reappeared with their order. Tired eyes connected with him across the plates of food that were being set down in front of them.

“Is there anything else I can bring you? Ketchup, mayo, ranch, anything?”

“I believe we’re okay,” Emily said after shaking herself from her thoughts. “Thank you.”

“My pleasure. Let me know if you need anything else. I’ll be back by to refill your coffees in a little bit.”

With a nod, Brian’s focus settled back on his wife. His eyes held a silent plea for her to say what she had planned to before the interruption, but she was now busy gathering up her breakfast burrito to take a bite. Though his heart began to beat a little faster with anxiety, he picked up his silverware to cut into his own food anyhow. She’d agreed to talk to him, and he needed to be patient. Easier said than done.

*

After two large breakfast burritos, three or four coffee refills a piece, the couple had brought up everything they’d been holding back since Brian revealed the news that the option to adopt Mateo was on the table. It was anything but easy, but they’d gotten it all out into the open. Tears had been shed on both sides, but it turned out that all of their fears and concerns were virtually the same. That was definitely a surprise, but a comforting one at that.

“So…..is that it?” Emily asked finally, after a decent lull in the conversation. She felt like they’d said all that needed to be said, but she had to check. “Is there anything else we need to air out?”

“I bared my soul to you, Em. I don’t think there’s anything else left to say; at least not on my part. My biggest concern was what happened if we adopted him and a year down the road, James and Nic decided they wanted him back. But I feel a bit more at ease on that front now, so I think I’m okay.”

“Like I said, we’ll have to cross that bridge if we come to it, but I don’t think we will. I’ve seen nothing but how much they love their children, and they want nothing but the best for them. James had the opportunity the night the two of you sat down to ask you for money. If it were about the money, or even just securing a line of credit in case they got too far in over their head, I don’t think they would have ever asked us if we wanted to adopt him.”

“I’d have to agree with that,” he nodded and sat back in his chair now, two strong arms folding over his chest as he did so. “I think you’re right.”

“All of this is uncharted territory, but that’s also why we need to reach out to an adoption lawyer. At this point, it’s obvious that we need to learn what the adoption are in California, and what we would need to do next.”

“Are you…..saying what I think you’re saying, Em?” a twinkle lined his eyes now and a somewhat nervous smile played at his lips.

“I’m saying I think it’s time to involve an adoption lawyer so we know what our next steps should be.” She couldn’t quite say the words, and the look on her face alerted her husband to this.

Instead of pushing her to, he let the smile spread further across his features. His fret hand came to fold over hers on the table now, “I’ll make a couple of calls tomorrow.”