The End

“Dan...” I say quietly as i look at the lifeless body of my best friend. I don’t know why things had to end this way. Why did i of all people have to find him? Why was i not enough? Why wasn’t i there in time? Why wasn’t I able to stop him? I don’t know but this moment right here is what will forever haunt me and my sleep. I will never get to see my best friend again. A tear slides down my face and i wipe it away hoping no one had seen that. No one should have to deal with this. I shouldn’t have to deal with this. Life… one simple four letter word that has so much more to it than many think. I for one know that, as well as dan. Well… he did.

I am walking back to our apartment… my apartment. I know i won’t be able to go in so i just sit at the door, put my head in my hands and cry. I know he wouldn’t want me to linger on this but i really can’t help it. I just need to mourn him. I need to get over him. I just don’t know how to do that yet. So i sit there for a good thirty minutes and just cry. After i get myself to stop crying i go to stand up but as i do so i hear a crinkle. I remember what it is and pull it out. It’s the letter. I have to read it one more time…

“Phil…. It’ll be ok… you’ll be ok. I know you will. You will do what you need to do to get over this and you’ll move on. Please… please try to be happy. This has been thought out for months and there wasn’t anything you could’ve done to stop me. I had to… i couldn’t just sit back and watch… just look… you’ll be ok. Just please keep going, keep moving. Yea i know i know what a hypocrite. I know how much potential you have. Please just know that… that i love you phillip lester. You are an amazing person, friend and roommate. You’d be an even better boyfriend. Find someone you love and who loves you back. Do it for me. ~Dan Howell”
I sit there as tears begin falling again but this time i don’t try to stop them. I whisper to myself “oh dan… i loved you… i wanted-no needed you. I can’t believe you’d do this… why?” i stop because i know that there is no point in this. I can’t keep torturing myself. I walk into our… my house and go find a piece of paper and pen. Then i start writing.

“Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and perhaps so are you. But the roses have wilted, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty, your wrists are stained red. The sun isn’t shining, the sky isn’t clear; there’s no silver lining cause you’re no longer here. Rain keeps on pouring, there’s no end in sight, you’re laying there frozen, so far from the light. Your beauty’s unreal, your smile the sun, but time can’t be turned nor your actions undone. The words that you wrote that only i read, “i love you so much; please don’t cry when i’m dead.” A bond that we formed, a love that ran deep, a pain that we shared; a friend i could keep. I wanted to hold you, wipe the tears from your eyes; been there the moment you said your goodbye. I want to forget, but most times i don’t, i want to let go, but i know that i won’t. Tears on my face, memories burned in my head; the roses are wilted the violets are dead. ~phil”

I stand up and walk out the door with the paper in hand. I don’t know where i’m going but i know i have to go. I walk and walk and end up at the one place that means the most. I’m heading to the train station in manchester where me and dan first met. This seems like a fitting place for this. I walk
around aimlessly seeing everyone but yet no one at all. I walk to the bench me and dan sat at for hours just talking and sit down to think. I’m lost in my thoughts when someone sits next to me.
“Phil… i’m so sorry about dan… i want to help i just don’t know how.” it’s some girl, who i don’t know. I look up at her and slightly smile. “I know how you can help…” i say quietly. “How? Tell me and i’ll do it.” i reach into my pocket and pull out the note i wrote. I hand it to her and she takes it. “What do i do with this?” i get up and start walking away but say over my shoulder. “Whatever you want to do with it.” i keep walking and ignore the girl yelling after me. I can hear her chasing me so i run. I run hard and don’t stop. I see the train that i had came off of when i first met dan. I smile slightly and run.

I jump. I feel free… i feel like i’m flying for the briefest of moments. I feel a hand reach around my waist and pull. The train flies past me. “No…” i’ve been saved… i didn’t want to be saved. Why did this person save me? I turn around and see the girl i gave the note to. Shes crying and i ask why. “You saved me… now it’s my turn to return the favor. You shouldn’t end your life like this. You have so many people who need you. I need you.” she says as she offers me a small smile. I look down trying to avoid her gaze. I can’t look at her right now. I wanted to die. I wanted to be with dan. Forever, and in more ways than one. No one knows that except me, Not even dan did. I wish i had told him. I wish i could’ve saved him. No… i can’t think of this right now. I’m in the middle of a conversation, so i look up at her and whisper, “thank you”.

I start walking home. I can’t just try again especially now. I hope that girl doesn’t stop me from going home. I don’t know what i’d say to her. I try to ignore everyone's gaze and attempts to talk to me. I finally get home and crash to the ground. I want to cry but i can’t anymore. I’ve used them up in one day. I give in to the pull of sleep. I don’t see dan's dead face this time so i let myself let go.

I wake up to the sound of someone knocking on my door. I don’t get up to answer the door but instead i keep laying on the floor. I hear a semi familiar voice say “phil…? Are you in there?” i get up and open the door. To my surprise it’s the girl from the train station. “Yea, why are you here? How do you know where i live?” she smiles sheepishly and hesitates to answer, but finally she does. “Well… i’m here because i figured you needed someone to check up on you. I know where you live because well… i followed you home. I had to make sure you got home safely. I just… im sorry.” she says this really quickly as if she’s embarrassed. “Oh. i’m fine” that’s all i say and she looks at me weird as if she doesn’t know what to say. “Ummm i’m kaylee” i was right. She didn’t know what to say. “Well kaylee… thanks for stopping by.” i say. Kaylee looks shocked then disappointed and then sad. “Oh umm ok… i was hoping you’d invite me inside to eat or to hang out or something but since you didn’t i guess I’ll just ask. Do you mind if I come in for awhile?” i look around but then i give in. “um sure… what would you like to do?” i say as i open the door further and motion for her to come inside.

Kaylee comes inside and looks around. “Nice place” she says in awe. It was better with dan in it, i think. “Oh uh thanks” it was dan who chose it. There is so much unsaid and so much awkwardness i just don’t know what to do or say so we just stand there. “Would you like something to drink?” i offer. “Im good, thanks. I’ll only be here a few minutes. Just trying to get a feel of what’s gonna happen next cause honestly i have no clue. I just felt like i needed to come and visit you. So here i am.” she shrugs. “Yup, here you are.” i say. She shrugs and walks around a bit more and then stops to say something that i don’t hear. “What?” i say a little shyly. “Would you like my number so if you need anything… you know… you could let me know?” i don’t know what to think or say so i just answer without thinking, “sure i guess”. Kaylee hands me a piece of paper that has her name on it and her number. “Thanks” i look around aimlessly avoiding eye contact. “Mhmm. just let me know” and with that she heads out the door and around the corner.