I'll Remember

One

And if shit hits the fan and it all falls apart, as these things so often do, I don’t think I’ll ever forget the sound of your laugh that I could listen to on repeat all day, or the outline of your tattoos I traced so many times it’s ingrained into my brain. Every time I make coffee I’ll think of how we got through more cups than a Starbucks shop and every time I hear an Oasis song I’ll think about how you love the Gallaghers more than life itself.

We were friends for so long but it never once crossed my mind that we’d ever be anything more. I puzzled over it for weeks, wondering why it had suddenly hit me out of nowhere, insisting to myself that my mind was just messing with me. I thought I was too young to know what I wanted. But with you it just made sense in the most nonsensical way. Everything about you screamed ‘home’. You were one of us. You’d already seen me at my best and at my worst and therefore I never felt like I had to prove anything to you. I didn’t have to win you over or explain myself because you already knew.

When you told me you liked me, I still was convinced it was a bad idea. I gave you a whole list of reasons why it would never work and you spent the next three months proving to me the opposite. Our friends found out and I lost track of how many people said I was too good for you. You proved every single person wrong, treating me better than any guy I’d ever been with and leaving them all in awe saying ‘Ella, what have you done to him?’

But it wasn’t me. It was you. It was all you because you’re wonderful and I knew that from the start. You’re a pain in the ass and anyone that knows you knows that. But you’re golden. You’re so much fun to be around and your heart is always in the right place. You work hard for everything you have, for the things that everyone else is given on a plate. You’d do anything for the people you care about and I see so much potential in you. You’d get so annoyed when I’d nag you, but I hope you know it’s because I knew you were the best of the best and I hated seeing you fall short of that.

And now I’ll think of you when I drive past that street corner where you kissed me like your life depended on it, one of your hands gripping my waist and the other holding my face so gently like I was a doll you were scared you’d break. I’ll remember sneaking you into my house in the middle of the night with you whisper-yelling, ‘Ella, this is the worst idea you’ve ever had.’ I’ll remember how when the clock struck midnight you’d go from closed off and unaffectionate to suddenly spilling your soul and telling me things that filled my stomach with butterflies. I’ll remember the first time I cried in front of you, when it was 3am and it was freezing cold and I was angry at you and I missed my mum. You held me so tight and pressed your lips to the skin of my neck and told me that if I didn’t stop crying I’d set you off. I’ll remember how you hated your smile, but it was my favourite thing about you, and how you’d always walk me home after a night out, though not without first dragging me into every pub in town. I’ll remember how you came with me to my university interview and how your whole face lit up when I got a place. I’ll remember how you looked out for the people I cared about, making my friends your own. I’ll remember how you saw the best in me and supported everything I did. It destroyed you the fact that I was leaving, but you never once tried to hold me back. You told me to go and have fun, and that I’d meet someone new within a month and that I shouldn’t feel bad about it.

So whatever happens, above all else, know I’ll always think the best of you. People, including yourself, sometimes can’t see how amazing you are, but I can. And I’ll remember. Always.