Better for You

I awoke with a cold sweat covering my body as my heart raced in my chest. The usual face I had awoken to for the past year had now been replaced with an even more haunting one – my own.

I quickly got out of Harry’s bed, removing the covers and leaving his peaceful sleeping figure in the bed as I scrambled about in his room, changing and collecting my things.

I rushed out of Harry’s house, being met by the dark bitter winter air, the sun yet to rise and spread its warmth, and got inside of my car. I needed space and to get the lifeless face of myself out of my mind. I plugged in my music into my stereo, playing Khalid’s soothing voice as I drove away from Harry’s house and to an unknown destination.

It seemed that my mind was on autopilot as twenty minutes later I was pulling up to the woods that Harry has introduced me to. As I walked into the woods and towards the tree house that Harry had built himself, my hands began to shake from what was either the cold or something within.

I shakily climbed up Harry’s tree house and as I reached the top of it my body began to tremble and my legs gave way as I collapsed onto the floor. Shakily, my hands covered y face as my breathing grew heavier, soon turning into gasps as my body rocked back and forth.

I could feel everything slipping out of my grasps. My father, Harry, and myself. I wasn’t a fool anymore, I knew now that something wasn’t right with me. I was losing myself. Tears were forming in my eyes as I recalled my trip to the beach and what would have happened if it weren’t for the man who had saved me.

My whole body was shaking profusely when a wave of nausea came over me and the next thing I knew I was running towards a bush and dry heaving into it due the lack of substance in my stomach to come up.

I fell to the ground, trying to catch my breath as a closed my eyes and counted to ten. Once my heart rated had calmed and my breathing was returning to normal, I opened my eyes and got off of the ground, my legs feeling like jelly beneath me.

Shakily, I walked in the direction of my car, the surroundings of the woods seemed to blur into a distance as I travelled to my car with tunnel vision. I sat in the driver’s seat of the car, noticing that it had just gone 7 am. I inhaled three deep breaths before starting up the car and driving away from the woods, with the sun slowly rising ahead of me.

I decided to go into Starbucks before my lecture, in order for me to get some work done in peace, with the company of a strong expresso. My body seemed to welcome the caffeine in my system as mind processed the notes that I had made from my lectures.

At 8:30 I left Starbucks and made my way to my lecture. As I walked up to the lecture theatre I checked my texts, noticing that Andy had sent me a text that she had already arrived the lecture and was waiting for me outside of it. Harry had also sent me multiple texts asking where I was, to which I quickly replied, ‘at the lecture’ without any kisses.

As I reached the lecture theatre I noticed Andy’s slumped frame waiting by the entrance, her glossy brown hair was up in a ponytail and her face was clear of make-up yet she still looked gorgeous.

“Hi” I greeted Andy with a smile, hugging her tightly. “You feeling better?” I asked her as I pulled away.

Andy gave me a smile before replying, “Yeah, I’m just trying to give myself space from Zayn and stuff.”

“I don’t blame you.” I responded, before we walked into the lecture. I noticed Harry was already inside, standing and talking with some of his friends.

“How are you and Harry then?” Andy asked as she looked at Harry, then back at me.

“Uhm, I don’t really know to be honest.” I sighed – I didn’t even know if Harry and are were in an argument at the moment or not.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Andy asked me, giving me a weird look.

“Well we had an argument last night but didn’t resolve it so I don’t really know where we stand.” I answered quietly, mindful that Harry could possibly be in hearing distance.

“What happened this morning?” Andy pushed as she sat down at her desk, taking her notes out of her bag.

“I left.” I replied, sitting down at my desk also as Andy cut me a look of shock. “I didn’t sleep well and woke up at like 5 am so I left and went driving around.”

“So that’s where you were.” Harry’s low velvety voice spoke, causing me to freeze in my spot before looking up to him.

Harry looked beautiful, as per usual, but there was no mistaking the bags beneath his eyes which betrayed his lack of sleep. “Harry.” I breathed, not really sure what to say as I looked into his mesmerising green eyes.

“I was really fucking worried when I woke up and you weren’t there Izzy, you didn’t even leave me a fucking note.” Harry spoke quietly with a not-so-subtle undertone of anger.

“I’m sorry, I just needed to clear my head.” I replied, but before Harry could respond Mr Richards walked into the room, causing the lecture theatre to become silent.

After the lecture, I was putting my notes away into my bag, with Harry’s looming figure standing beside me as Andy rushed off herself, leaving me alone with Harry.
“How did you get here?” I asked Harry, as I slung my bag over my shoulder.

“Zayn gave me a lift.” Harry answered rigidly, I could tell that he was still pissed off with me.

“Would you like me to give you a lift back?”

“No, I can get a bus thanks.” Harry replied, brushing me off and I rolled my eyes at his behaviour.

“Harry don’t be like that, I’ll give you a lift.” I replied in a firm tone to which Harry rolled his eyes at this time.

As we sat inside my car, the tension was clear in the confined space between us. “Don’t be like this Harry, please just say what’s on your mind.” I told him, sighing as I started up the engine and pulled away from the car park.

“It’s nothing.” Harry replied coolly and I sighed, shaking my head at him.

“Harry, you’re pissed off at me and you clearly want me to know it so why can’t you just admit it so that we can sort it out and move on from it?” I told Harry, raising my voice slightly out of frustration.

“I don’t want to talk about it Izzy because it’ll make me more mad, ok?” Harry responded in an equally loud tone, and I cut Harry a look in the corner of my eyes in response. “Damn it Izzy, stop trying to make everything your own fucking business.” Harry shouted.

“Harry, our relationship is my business. I’m not being nosy, I’m trying to fix it.” I answered, in a calm but firm tone.

“Well maybe you should fix yourself first.” Harry quipped causing my stomach to drop and my whole body to tense as I pulled into the fraternity’s drive. I parked the car and looked at Harry with hurt and anger written all over my face.

Harry opened his mouth to say something further but I cut him off, “You’re home, you should go.” I stated lowly.

“I didn’t mean it like – I can see you how you’re acting Izzy and something’s not right. You don’t eat enough, you have constant nightmares and now you’re running away from me. I never thought you’d be the one to leave me alone but then I woke up this morning and you were gone.” Harry explained and I sighed, running my hand through my hair.

“I’m a mess Harry, yes, but I don’t appreciate you throwing it in my face. I’m sorry that I hurt you this morning, that was not my intention, but I just had to clear my mind.” I explained to Harry and I saw guilt take over his face as he reached over to stroke my cheek.

My skin burned from just the light contact of Harry’s fingers on my cheek. “Can I come inside with you?” I asked Harry softly.
“How about we go out and do something?” Harry suggested and I nodded my head, forcing a smile as I started up the engine and drove out of Harry’s drive.

“Where to?” I asked Harry.

“How about we stop off at a store and buy a picnic and have it at the tree house?” Harry suggested and my stomach dropped as I thought about my visit to Harry’s tree house this morning.

“Yea, sure.” I answered, inhaling a deep breath and forcing a smile in Harry’s direction.

After stopping off at the store and buying some picnic bits, I drove in the direction of the woods. The drive was shorter than I had hoped and as I got out of the car my body tensed at the surroundings. However, Harry must have noticed my discomfort as he wrapped his hand in mine and suddenly the surroundings seemed less daunting. I smiled up at Harry and pecked his lips before we walked off into the woods.