Better for You

The next week and a bit passed slowly and before I knew it I was yawning in my seat as I sat across from Andy in Starbucks as I waited for my coffee to cool down so that I could inhale the caffeinated goodness. For some odd reason, I had woken up in the early hours of the morning with this feeling of impending doom. I couldn’t breathe, my heart was beating painfully in my chest and I felt a terrifying and sickening feeling that had panicked me – was I having a heart attack?

Afterwards my body was in too much shock to simply go back to sleep and so my mind had decided to run over one of my biggest fears at the moment which was of Harry and Lucy’s relationship.

I had successfully spent the majority of my week working painfully long shifts, that had however meant that I could distract myself from the fears that had crept up on me regarding Lucy and Harry’s friendship, and I could also get paid for it. However, laying alone in bed at night with a cold sweat spreading your body as your mind runs over every possible negative outcome is pretty inescapable.

It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Harry, I had chosen to trust that he wouldn’t do me wrong, but I also knew that he wasn’t really doing me right. Andy had told updates on Zayn and Lucy and how Lucy had been giving him the cold shoulder because of his ‘lack of commitment to her’ and it had only made Zayn and Andy closer, and I was happy for her because of that.

But on the flipside, I could only think that Lucy pushing Zayn away meant that she was getting closer to Harry, and this was evidenced by the fact that I only saw Harry once in this past week. Harry had tried to message me as much as he could and apologised profusely when he had to cancel our plans but I could feel the distance between us growing and I could only wish that he would stand up to Lucy the same way that Zayn had.

“Are you ok, Izzy? You look very pale, have you eaten much this morning?” Andy asked me, snapping me out of my thoughts. I shook my head at Andy in response and took a sip from my now lukewarm coffee which I was able to gulp down rapidly to satisfy my body’s caffeine cravings.

“No, not yet but I’m all good now that I’ve got coffee in my system.” I told Andy and tried to match my response with a reassuring smile, but I don’t think that it actually had the intended effect.

“You need to eat Izzy! You’re getting far too skinny!” Andy told me with a frown on her face and I felt the blood leave my face when Andy commented on my weight, what was she implying?

“I’m fine Andy, honestly, you don’t need to worry about me.” I reassured Andy in a nonchalant voice but Andy shook her head in response.

“No, Izzy, you’re not ok. We’re all really worried about you-” Andy began but I interrupted her.

“We?” I probed and Andy nodded.

“Yes, all of us, we’re all worried about you – you ‘re literally disappearing before us.” Andy commented and I inhaled a deep breath, not really sure how to respond to her comment.

“I know that you’re just looking out for me, but there’s honestly nothing for you to worry about, I’m ok.” I told Andy who held me gaze for a few long seconds before deciding to let the subject change as she checked her watch.

“Ok, well we should get going to class now.” Andy suggested, and so we both rose from our seats and made our way to the lecture hall.

As we neared the entrance to the hall, Andy softly clutched my arm. “I wasn’t trying to be mean earlier with what I was saying, I know it’s a personal subject and that I shouldn’t have addressed it the way that I did, but I just don’t want to watch you disappearing in front of me.” Andy told me in a soft voice that made me just want to hug her because I knew that she was coming from a good place.

“I know you’re coming from a good place Andy, you don’t need to worry.” I assured Andy and she nodded at me before grabbing my hand and leading me into the lecture theatre.

The lecture theatre was full of students, with chatter filling the room, however the seat next to me was painfully vacant as my mind wandered to where Harry could be – was he with Lucy?

I sighed and sat down in my seat, trying to ignore the overwhelming unsettling feeling from my gut as I took out a new piece of paper to write my notes down on. “What’s the date today?” I asked Andy as I took my pen out of my pencil case to write down the date.

“Uhm, January the 13th.” Andy answered and my blood suddenly turned to ice in my veins as my heart skipped a beat and my body froze.

“No it can’t be January 13th, that’s on Tuesday.” I managed to croak out in a panicked voice. My head was spinning and the room was shrinking and I couldn’t breathe.

“Yeah, and today’s Tuesday…” Andy stated as my senses filled with only the sound of my heart beating in my chest. I could vaguely see Andy’s blurred figure with her mouth moving as she spoke to me but my mind couldn’t process anything that she was saying.

Without thinking I packed away my stuff and got up to leave. “where are you going?” Andy asked in an alarmed tone but I couldn’t form a response as I left the lecture hall and somehow navigated myself to where my car was parked.

How did I not realise what today’s date was?! My body began convulsing as I got inside my car and then my ears filled with the sound knocking which I assumed was my body but as I turned to the passenger window I saw Andy’s fretted figure with her hands pounding on my window. I unlocked the car and Andy immediately opened the door and sat in the passenger seat.

“Izzy, what was that? Are you ok?” Andy asked me as tears began flooding my cheeks.

“No, but I just need to be lone right now, Andy.” I told her and Andy shook her head. “Please Andy.” I pleased Andy with desperation clear in my voice, “I really just need to be alone.”

Andy’s expression was full of a mixture of concern and confusion as she watched me carefully. “I don’t feel comfortable with leaving you alone, Izzy.” Andy told me but I shook my head at her.

“I just need to be alone.” I repeated and Andy sighed as she looked at me, her eyes flickering over my features.

“Ok, but just call me if you need anything.” Andy told me and I nodded my head at her as Andy held my gaze for a few seconds before wrapping me in her arms and holding me for a few long seconds before pulling away and leaving. The moment Andy’s petite figure left my sight my whole body broke and tears fell in a constant trail as pain consumed me.

Though my shaking hands I managed to text Harry, “I need to see you please x” I sent to him as tears rolled down my cheeks, I missed my dad so much that it was consuming me and the only cure that I knew of right now was Harry.

I knew that it wasn’t healthy to need Harry as much as I did in that moment, but he was the only thing that could make me forget about what I didn’t want to think about right now.

My heart dropped however, as Harry replied, “can’t come over right now, out with Zayn - can I come over later? x”

I ignored Harry’s text as I instead drove to where I knew that I could feel close to Harry, at his tree house. I don’t quite know how I drove to the forest as I was a shaking mess, however I pulled up in the forest and frowned as I noticed Harry’s car parked in the car park.

I considered possibly leaving but instead I reassured myself that it was probably someone else’s car who had the same model as Harry. I walked into the forest, wiping away my tears as I tried to hold onto my memories with Harry here, such as when Harry and I walked hand in hand down this route, and I used the memories to try to distract myself from the gaping hole in my heart and shield me from the hurt that was attacking me from inside.

How could I forget what the date was? One year ago today I lost my father, my best friend, my closest ally, and I forgot. I had difficulty breathing as a wave of nausea took over me and suddenly I was dry heaving into a bush as acid came rushing up my throat, burning everything in its path.
Once the nausea passed, I tried to spit the acidic taste out of my mouth, however it didn’t seem to do much as I continued my path to the tree house, still with the horrible feeling in my stomach which I blamed on having just dry heaved into a bush.

As I neared the tree house however I heard two voices talking, causing me to frown as no-one uses the tree house that I knew of except for Zayn and Harry. I was then able to distinguish both a female voice and male voice, both of which turned my blood to ice as I recognised them. “I need you, Harry” I heard the female voice say and my breathing faltered as the culprit’s face came into view; Lucy.

Harry was with Lucy.

Harry wrapped an arm around Lucy and my heart shattered, the fragments piercing my body as an even deeper pain engulfed me.

Harry had lied to me.

Harry had chosen to be with Lucy over me, when I needed him most.

But the situation only got worse as I saw Lucy staring at Harry for a few moments with a look that I recognised in her eyes. She was planning something.
The world seemed to move in slow motion as I watched as Lucy began leaning in towards Harry; Harry didn’t move an inch.

I watched in pure emotional agony as Lucy’s lips touched Harry’s and tears blurred my vision to the point that I couldn’t see as I instead turned away and walked away from the forest. Another wave of nausea took over me again as I turned to the nearest bush and this time any of the contents within my stomach came up as I released them into the bush.

I heard commotion in the tree house with Harry’s usually soft and velvety voice coming out in a raised tone but I ignored it and instead I continued walking away from everything that had happened.

This was it; that was the moment that I think I knew was always going to come. I knew that I wasn’t good enough for Harry but I had fooled myself into thinking that I could be. I picked up a small rock on the floor and threw it as far as I could to try and remove some of the pain that was building inside of me, however it did little to alleviate the emotional torture that I was enduring.

As I reached my car my body was emotionally exhausted but my mind was still reeling from all of the pain that I was feeling and so I knew where I should go as I got into my car and got turned on my ignition.

I checked my rear-view mirror as I went to leave as I saw Harry’s figure in the distance, walking towards the car as he suddenly noticed my car and began sprinting to where both my and Harry’s car were parked, however I quickly turned on the engine and drove away from the woods and towards the one place where I could feel my father.