Status: Will be slow in updates as am still in full time education but will try to update as regularly as possible

Better for You

Chapter 41

My thoughts were all a blur as I managed to somehow drive to the beach. Is this what Harry had been doing all along; had he been playing me this whole time? Had I been falling in-love with a man who was never mine to begin with?

Was this why he had insisted we keep our relationship a secret?

Tears were falling in uncontrollable waves as I begin drowning in an ocean of hurt where a little voice in the back of my head began chanting “Harry left you” over and over again.

But Harry said that he loved me.

Then why would he let Lucy kiss him?

But Harry said that he cared for me.

Then why was Harry there for Lucy when she needed him and not you?

But Harry needs me.

Then why was it so easy for Harry to forget about you?

But I need Harry.

As I parked up at the beach I stumbled in the direction of the sea. The beach was deserted without a single person in sight, which wasn’t surprising given the fact that it was a grey and cloudy day in January. The sea was a deep, almost black, shade of blue and the waves were strong and unrelenting as they hammered against each other.

When I had had enough of stumbling around as though I was inebriated, I collapsed on the sand and hugged my knees to my chest, rocking myself forwards and backwards rhythmically as I tried to fill my brain with thoughts of the happy memories that I had here with my father and the memories that I had with Harry when we just sat and watched the waves together.

Tears came streaming down my face as I remembered the happy memories that I had here, they didn’t cheer me up as I had hoped they would and instead they simply reminded me of what I had lost.

I had lost everything.

I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I didn’t realise that another person had arrived at the beach until a handsome face with chocolate curls and forest green eyes darted in front of me with an alarmed expression.

I quickly wiped the tears from my cheeks and stood up to try and put some distance between us. Just seeing him here broke my heart into even smaller pieces and allowed hurt to seep into my veins. But I couldn’t handle that, I couldn’t process the hurt, not today – it was all too much. And so instead I allowed a fire to ignite within me as anger fuelled my body.

Harry must have noticed a change in my demeanour as his facial expression flashed with shock and then worry contorted his features. I had to fight every fibre in my body that begged me to run to him and allow Harry to hold me and protect me from everything that I feared, I knew better than to do that – that was the reason why we were here.

“Izzy,” Harry spoke softly as he tentatively stepped towards me, causing me to take 3 steps back. “I don’t know what you saw but can we please talk about it? It isn’t what you think it is, I promise.”

I shook my head as I took another step away from Harry as he took another step towards me, it was almost as though we were performing a dance except for the fact that I was not moving with any grace whatsoever. “Don’t come near me.” I warned Harry as a pained expression took over his face, as though it hurt him to not be close to me.

“Izzy, please don’t be like this. I told you that I need to be there for Lucy, she needs me right now.” Harry pleaded and I snapped. My whole body went rigid as he spoke those words because I could not believe that he was saying those words to me, especially today.

“I needed you!” I shouted, my voice slightly rough from my crying. “Me, your girlfriend, remember?” I shouted bitterly and Harry took a visible step back, looking as though my words had cut straight through him.

“I know, and you know that I would be there in a heartbeat but-” Harry began, but I quickly interrupted him as his words pushed me further over the edge.

“But Lucy is more important.” I finished for Harry in what was supposed to be a cold voice but even I could hear the hurt dancing on my words that I had tried so hard to mask.

“No, fuck Izzy, don’t put words in my mouth. You mean everything to me and you know that Izzy.” I opened my mouth to speak but Harry raised his finger, his eyes pleading for me to allow him to finish making his point. “But what Lucy is going through is a lot for her and I couldn’t just leave her like she was and come to you.” Harry explained and although I could hear the rationality in his words, my mind was too angry to simply let it slide over.

“Well then why waste your time coming after me now then? Why don’t you go back to screwing her or whatever it is that you two do when you see each other?” I snapped harshly and I saw the fire flash in Harry’s eyes as he narrowed his eyes at me.

“Seriously? You seriously think that I’m fucking around with Lucy, after everything that I’ve told you Izzy? Do you seriously not know me better than that?” Harry shouted at me with hurt laced in his words.

“Well what do you expect me to think when I find you and her smacking lips in our place.” I quip and Harry’s eyes soften as I mention the words ‘our place’, the place where we’d shared some of our most intimate moments.

“It wasn’t like that Izzy, she’s just a friend and I didn’t know she was going to kiss me.” Harry argued and I scoffed at his words; did he really expect me to believe that he didn’t know that Lucy was going to kiss him?! How naïve did he take me for?

“Bullshit Harry, I was there so don’t even bother lying to me; I could see the kiss coming from a mile away and you just sat there! You did nothing to stop it!” I yelled, using my hands to make large gestures which only emphasized my anger.

“It’s not like that Izzy, she’s my friend – how the hell was I supposed to know that she was going to kiss me? I don’t think of her like that, not since you.” Harry explained to me and I could hear the honesty in his words but I was too hurt and too stubborn to believe them. I couldn’t fall back into Harry’s arms again, not after how he had hurt me.

And so instead I had to push him away. I needed to push Harry away before he left me, I couldn’t have another person leave me, not today. And so I masked my hurt and anger and instead let the numbness from everything take over my body. I lost my pain and anger as I put on my cold and rejecting façade.

“I don’t believe you.” I told Harry coldly as I masked my pain and hurt and I watched emotionlessly as Harry’s eyes glazed over and stared at me as though I had transformed into an entirely different person that he could not recognise.

“What do you mean?” Harry asked me cautiously as confusion took over his features and he furrowed his brows, clearly feeling very uneasy with my new attitude.

“You kissed Lucy, I watched you, so don’t give me that bullshit of your love for me changing you or whatever because I’m not fucking stupid, I saw what I saw.” I replied in a firm but even tone as I crossed my arms in front of my body and wore an almost bored expression.

“You’re telling me that after everything that we had been through; after all of the ups and downs and me letting you in and telling you things about me that no-one else knows, you don’t believe I love you? Fuck Izzy, I let you in – you even met my family for fuckssake, so don’t even try with that.” Harry bellowed and I shook my head at him and narrowed my eyes.

“You don’t hurt the people that you love, Harry, and that’s all that you seem to do.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Harry spoke in a whisper that I almost couldn’t hear. I could hear the raw emotion and pain in his voice and it was seeping through my mask and causing it to crack a little.

“Well it doesn’t really matter what you meant to do.” I mumbled, my voice wavering as I felt tears beginning to build in my tear ducts so I turned around and away from Harry so that he couldn’t see my face as I blinked back my tears. “You should just go.” I muttered quietly and I heard Harry’s breath hitch audibly but I refused to turn around and face him, if I saw the pain in his eyes I knew that I would cave into him and I couldn’t do that and let him in because I knew that he would only leave me.

“I love you, Izzy. Please don’t do this.” Harry pleaded, his voice cracking at the end as if it was brimming with emotions. I simply shook my head at him words, still facing away from him.

Inhaling a deep breath of courage, I turned around to face Harry with a blank look of disinterest on my face that provoked a reaction in Harry in which he simply knew that I had given up. “You should go.” I repeated coldly and Harry stood before me for what could have been a few seconds, minutes or an eternity as his eyes searched mine and pleaded for emotion, which I refused to give to him.

“I never wanted to hurt you.” Harry mumbled as he looked at me one more time and I watched as he lingered for a few seconds before me before he nodded and slowly walked away, keeping his head to the ground as he did so.

Once Harry was out of sight, I let the tears slip from my eyes as I collapsed to the floor in sobs, feeling trapped and unable to breathe. It had killed me to see Harry hurt but I had to push him away or else he would hurt me more when he left me. Harry may not have been aware of it, but he had been slipping through my fingertips ever since we left his family on boxing day.

I had felt it, I had physically felt the distance and only now did I come to realise that that was what the feeling in my gut had been telling me all along; I was losing Harry. And it hurt, it was a slow burn that was burning me out and so I had to push him away before he left me in ashes.

A loud sob erupted from my mouth as I dug my hand into the sand and squeezed it together inside my fist as I bit my lip to try to muffle the cries that were begging to escape from my mouth.

I wanted my dad.

I needed my dad.

I needed to hear his calm, soothing voice and to hear him telling me his wise advice and for him to tell me that he was proud of me.

But somehow, I knew that he wouldn’t be.

Because I was a mess, and that was the most honest way to put it.

I hadn’t grown to be strong and independent like I had always told myself that I would. No, instead I had grown to wrap myself around Harry, it was like he was a tree that stood tall and unwavering and I was the ivy that grew around and clung to him.

Was I still me, or had I lost myself?

Was I weak?

I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood as I shook my head at my thoughts, trying to clear my head of the negative thoughts that were surrounding my head as I tried my best not to drown in their onslaught.

As I looked ahead into the ocean I could see a light reflection in the water that enticed me towards it as I stood up from the sand, not bothering to wipe the sand from my clothes, as I walked to towards the sea.

It was the moment when I saw my father’s face with a gleeful smile that I became entranced. My ears were swimming with the sound of the water splashing around me as I made my way towards my father.

The water wasn’t cold like I had expected it to be, instead it was warm and inviting as I plunged further and further into the sea where my dad’s ocean eyes stared into mine, growing darker and darker.

Suddenly my father’s welcoming expression morphed into the grey lifeless mask that he wore exactly a year ago, his face darkening and darkening until my vision began blurring as my surroundings all transformed into darkness.

Warm arms wrapping around my body was the last thing that I felt before I felt nothing.
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So here is the chapter, finally after my long break I have now finished all of my disgusting exams and am able to update more and so will be updating this story once a week again! I know that this chapter may seem to be a little dramatic for some but hopefully you will understand everything in a few chapters time! Thank you for staying with me and the book! X