Better for You

Harry’s POV

“I know that I’m shit at this whole advice thing but maybe your mum wants to fix her relationship with you?” I suggest to Lucy who is still crying as mascara tears stain her cheeks. Lucy had called me at the ungodly hour of 6 am this morning in hysterics as she told me that her mum had been trying to get Lucy to visit her.

Lucy had had a really awful Christmas this year; she had always had a dysfunctional relationship with her alcoholic mum who was absent for the majority of her childhood, but this year her mum had pushed it too far when she had gotten drunk all morning and quite literally almost burnt the house down when she had attempted to microwave a tin can of beans. Lucy had messaged me the following morning telling me the news that she had had to send her mum back to rehab and I just knew that she would need me and so I had insisted to Izzy that we left my mum’s house early.

Ever since then I had had to be Lucy’s rock because she needed me, and as fucking ridiculous as the idea is that I should be someone’s support system, I didn’t want to let Lucy down and so I had tried to be the best friend that I could to her. It killed me that I hadn’t seen Izzy as much as I wish that I could, and there wasn’t a minute that went by that I didn’t wonder how she was or what she was doing, but I just needed to be there for Lucy.

“She got by without a care about me for the past 19 fucking years and I was fucking fine but now she’s decided that she wants to talk to me and I’m supposed to just show up and act like the doting fucking daughter? Fuck that.” Lucy barked, crossing her arms in front of her body defiantly as she sniffed her nose, reminding me of how Izzy would crinkle her nose in disgust whenever I made a crude remark, which was a regular occurrence in our relationship.

Just as the thought of Izzy crossed my mind, my phone vibrated in my front jean pocket, alerting me of a text. My heart fluttered as I read Izzy’s text, “I need to see you please x”. But as I looked over to Lucy who was now cradling her head with her hands, I knew that I couldn’t just leave Lucy like this now.

My fingers danced around the keyboard as I considered how to respond to her message before replying “can’t come over right now, out with Zayn - can I come over later? x”

I hated that I was lying to Izzy, it’s not that I didn’t trust her with the truth, it was simply that Lucy’s truth wasn’t mine to tell. Lucy had made it clear that I wasn’t to tell anyone her secrets and so I had kept my word to her and not told Izzy what it was that Lucy was going through. I could have told Izzy that I was with Lucy and that’s why I couldn’t see her, but I hated the look on Izzy’s face whenever I told her that I was with Lucy and I hated the fact that I could never explain myself to Izzy about Lucy’s situation and so it was just easier to tell her a white lie that I was instead with someone else.

“Who’s that?” Lucy asks from beside me, staring at me with furrowed brows and curiosity in her brown eyes.
“Izzy.” I replied simply with a nonchalant shrug as I tucked my phone back into my pocket. I looked up at Lucy and noticed the scowl on her face as she stared straight ahead.

“Why is she texting you? She seems a bit desperate.” Lucy commented and I rolled my eyes at Lucy’s remark, not allowing myself to explode at Lucy in Izzy’s defence as to be fair Lucy didn’t know about our relationship and so it was reasonable that she thought that.

“She’s not desperate, she was just texting me what I missed in class.” I lie easily and Lucy rolls her red eyes at me.

“Oh please, she just wants any excuse to talk to you.” Lucy quipped and I narrowed my eyes at Lucy to show Lucy that her comments were ludicrous. “She’s fucking weird, I don’t know why you even bother talking to her.” Lucy stated in a bored voice and I had to clench my fists to prevent myself from exploding at Lucy, I couldn’t help but want to leap to Izzy’s defence when someone talks shit about her – regardless of who it was, my mind seemed to be wired to defend Izzy’s honour. Lucy’s comment could not be further from the truth, if anything I was the one who would find any excuse to talk to Izzy, I practically stalked all of her social media accounts after the night we met and pretty much became her personal stalker; in a non-creepy way, or at least so I hoped.

“I don’t get it Lucy, what’s your problem with her?” I asked Lucy, trying my hardest to keep the anger out of my voice because I didn’t want to give away my feelings for Izzy and I also didn’t want to start an argument with Lucy when she was like this.

“I just don’t like how she acts around you, I feel like she wants to take you away from me.” Lucy says quietly, and for a moment I start to imagine that I actually heard those words coming out of Lucy’s mouth because she is never normally this open about her feelings.

“You don’t need to worry Lucy, I’ll always be here for you – you know that, right?” I asked Lucy as I wrapped my arm around her in a sideways hug. Lucy and I’s relationship was never like this, we were both acting very out of character and it was kind of unsettling for me as I began to over think our actions.

Was it weird that Lucy was saying this stuff to me?

Was it weird that I had my arm wrapped around Lucy when I am seeing Izzy?

Fuck, why is it so hard to know what the appropriate boundaries are for these things, I need a fucking rule book or something. Maybe a ‘how to differentiate how to act around your friends and your girlfriend for dummies’ – yeah that would be helpful.

I looked over at Lucy who looked deep in thought as she stared into the distance. “I need you Harry.” Lucy told me as she titled her head so that it was angled to look right at me and I wasn’t quite sure what she meant by that. Did she mean that she needed me now, that she needed me forever; did she really even need me?

I was so lost deep in my thoughts that I didn’t think much of Lucy’s face nearing me until her lips were suddenly pressed against mine. I felt my body freeze and go rigid at the contact of our mouths. Sure, I had kissed Lucy plenty of times before and that had been fine, but since I had started developing feelings for Izzy any romantic feelings that I had for Lucy simply vanished.

This kiss felt wrong.

It was like I was like I was kissing my sister.

I immediately used my hands to push Lucy’s body away from mine, using the back of my hand to wipe the trace of Lucy’s lips from my face, I didn’t mean to be rude to Lucy but fuck I wasn’t expecting her to just suddenly kiss me.

“What the fuck, Lucy?” I shouted at Lucy as I got up from where I was sat on the floor of the tree house. Lucy looked at me in shock with a flabbergasted expression are her eyes watched me in panic and something else.

“Wha- we used to make-out all the time, why are you making such a big deal out of it?” Lucy stammered as she ran a stressed hand through her hair, confusion and hurt flashing in her eyes. I felt like an arsehole for making her feel like that when she was going through a lot but I just didn’t want her like that and my mind couldn’t help but flash to Izzy and I felt sick at the idea of hurting Izzy with Lucy.

Fuck, Izzy.

I needed to go.

“I need to go.” I mumbled to Lucy, not bothering to look at her as I quickly got down from the tree house and began rushing towards where my car was parked. My eyes were fixed on the ground as my mind played over the kiss with Lucy and guilt tied knots in my stomach at the thought of hurting Izzy like that, fuck this wasn’t what I wanted – why the fuck did Lucy have to kiss me?!

I looked up as I neared my car and I swear I almost fainted. I knew that figure like the back of my hand, I had spent countless hours tracing the outline of her body as we laid in bed together and I had stored every detail about her to my memory forever.

Izzy.

I froze as I watched Izzy get into her car, my mind racing with thoughts – had she seen me and Lucy?

Fuck.

She must have got entirely the wrong idea.

My feet began racing after Izzy and towards my car as I rushed and put my keys in the ignition and chased after Izzy. I followed Izzy’s car, confused when she passed the exit for her dorms as she kept on driving towards the coast.

Where was she going?

I ran a stressed hand through my hair as I followed Izzy’s golf, worried about where she was planning on going – did she even know where she was heading? It was when Izzy took a left towards the beach that we had gone to a week or so ago that I realised where she was heading towards and my heart broke for my girl who was as close to fucking perfect as a girl could be and I had hurt her fucking pure heart.

Izzy parked her car and staggered towards the beach. I went to open the door but paused as I took a few deep breaths to compose myself and I ran multiple stressed hands through my hair, praying that Izzy would understand what actually happened before jumping to conclusions.

After a couple of minutes, I got out of my car and walked in the direction that Izzy was headed in, and my heart ripped at its seams as I saw her crumpled form on the sand. Izzy was sat hugging her knees to her chest as she rocked her body back and forth, looking completely destroyed.

I stepped in front of Izzy, my eyes searching her face for insight of how she was feeling as she quickly wiped away her tears which made me want to fall to my knees at the thought that it was me that put those tears there. I watched as the hurt that was deeply embedded into Izzy’s features vanished and was replaced with a fury that burned bright in her eyes, causing my eyes to widen in shock at the sight of how quickly she had switched emotions as I tried to prepare myself for what was to come.

“Izzy” I whispered as I warily stepped towards Izzy, however my heart only broke further as she then took 3 steps back and away from me. “I don’t know what you saw but can we please talk about it? It isn’t what you think it is, I promise.” I told Izzy but she shook her at me and increased the distance between us that every inch of my body begged me to close so that I could hold her close to me where we both belonged.

“Don’t come near me.” Izzy warned me and my heart broke further at the sight of her wanting to be as far away from me as she could possibly be. Fuck, this was never how I wanted for us to be.

“Izzy, please don’t be like this. I told you that I need to be there for Lucy, she needs me right now.” I pleaded with Izzy, hoping that she would understand what I was trying to say but instead her anger only seemed to increase as her body went rigid at my words and her eyes narrowed in anger at me.

“I needed you!” Izzy shouted, “Me, your girlfriend, remember?” Izzy questioned bitterly and I took a step back at Izzy’s words, is that what she had meant by the text – did she really need me that much? I felt like the biggest prick as it dawned on me that Izzy had reached out to me in that text because she had needed me and instead I had lied to her and remained with Lucy.

Fuck.

“I know, and you know that I would be there in a heartbeat but-” I began to explain but Izzy interrupted me.

“But Lucy is more important.” Izzy stated in a hurt voice and I shook my head adamantly at her, shocked that that was what Izzy really felt.

“No, fuck Izzy, don’t put words in my mouth. You mean everything to me and you know that Izzy.” I explained as Izzy tried to interrupt me again but I raised my finger to silence her. “But what Lucy is going through is a lot for her and I couldn’t just leave her like she was and come to you.” I calmly defended.

“Well then why waste your time coming after me now then? Why don’t you go back to screwing her or whatever it is that you two do when you see each other?” Izzy challenged, causing anger to erupt within me at Izzy’s questioning of my loyalty for her, did she seriously not trust me?

“Seriously? You seriously think that I’m fucking around with Lucy, after everything that I’ve told you, Izzy? Do you seriously not know me better than that?” I shouted at Izzy, hurt at the accusations that she was throwing at me.

“Well what do you expect me to think when I find you and her smacking lips in our place?” Izzy quipped and I felt my body soften as she mentioned the words ‘our place’, letting her hurt and vulnerability flicker in her eyes as she spoke those words.

“It wasn’t like that Izzy, she’s just a friend and I didn’t know she was going to kiss me.” I argued evenly but Izzy scoffed at my words, did she seriously think that I was lying to her right now?

“Bullshit Harry, I was there so don’t even bother lying to me; I could see the kiss coming from a mile away and you just sat there! You did nothing to stop it!” Izzy yelled, using her hands to make large gestures, demonstrating her anger.

“It’s not like that Izzy, she’s my friend – how the hell was I supposed to know that she was going to kiss me? I don’t think of her like that, not since you.” I explained to Izzy, hoping that she could hear the honesty in my voice.

“I don’t believe you.” Izzy spoke in a cold voice that was foreign and distant. I stared at Izzy, but I didn’t recognise the face that she had, it was cold and rejecting and my heart dropped as I looked at her, fearful as to what she would do because I had never seen her like this, not once.

“What do you mean?” I asked Izzy cautiously, feeling very uneasy about Izzy’s new attitude.

“You kissed Lucy, I watched you, so don’t give me that bullshit of your love for me changing you or whatever because I’m not fucking stupid, I saw what I saw.” Izzy replied in a firm but even tone, wearing a bored expression that was so out of character for her.

“You’re telling me that after everything that we have been through; after all of the ups and downs and me letting you in and telling you things about me that no-one else knows, you don’t believe that I love you? Fuck Izzy, I let you in – you even met my family for fuckssake so don’t even try with that.” I bellowed at Izzy, incredibly hurt at how she so easily disregarded my feelings.

“You don’t hurt the people that you love, Harry, and that’s all that you seem to do.” Izzy replied emotionlessly but her words still cut straight through me and I think she knew that, I think that that was her intention.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I spoke quietly, my voice cracking a little as hurt seeped into my words.

“Well it doesn’t really matter what you meant to do.” Izzy mumbled before she turned around so that I couldn’t see her face anymore. I stared at her back, unsure of what do when she spoke again, “You should just go.” Izzy suggested quietly and my breath hitched in my throat, I couldn’t leave her; I physically couldn’t. My body was tied to Izzy’s with some deep seated emotional bond that meant that I belonged to Izzy for all of eternity and so leaving Izzy was something that I was physically incapable of doing.

“I love you, Izzy. Please don’t do this.” I pleaded with Izzy, my voice cracking towards the end but Izzy only shook her head at my words.

I heard Izzy inhale a deep breath before she turned to face me with a blank expression that caused my heart to drop because I could see the walls that she had built and I could see that my greatest fear had suddenly become my reality; Izzy had shut me out. “You should go.” Izzy repeated coldly and I searched her face desperately for any emotion that told me that she didn’t want me to go, but her face remained emotionless.

“I never wanted to hurt you.” I mumbled as I looked at Izzy one more time before tearing my eyes away from her and fighting every impulse in my body, I forced myself to walk away from Izzy, telling myself that it was for the best because she didn’t want me anymore and I was only hurting her.

All that I had ever done was hurt Izzy and so if I loved her then maybe the best thing that I could do to show this would be to stay away from her because maybe then she would stop hurting.

When I reached my car, I slammed wrist against the steering wheel, narrowly avoiding the car horn as my body began to shake. I had really lost Izzy, I had fucked this up for good this time.

I knew, just by looking at Izzy that she had finally given up on me. I had fucked up one too many times and now she wanted nothing to do with me and that fucking hurt.

It was never my intention to hurt Izzy like this, I’d rather endure a thousand deaths before harm ever came near Izzy, but without even meaning to I had hurt her deeper than I thought possible.

I sat in my car, deep in thought for a couple of minutes before deciding to fuck it, because I needed Izzy and although it was fucking selfish of me, I needed her to actually listen to what I had to say.

And so I leaped out of my car with a newfound determination and began hurtling towards the beach when I frowned in confusion because Izzy was no-where to be seen. My mind started racing as I began hyperventilating, assuming the worst as I searched for Izzy on the sand; where the hell was she?

My eyes then flickered to the sea and I felt the colour drain from my face as Izzy’s golden locks floated around her in the sea, her head only just above the water.

Fuck.

Shit.

Fucking shit.

I raced towards Izzy, hissing as the freezing cold water made contact with my body, but I powered through the water, getting deeper and deeper until my teeth were chattering and my body was shaking as I finally reached Izzy.

I wrapped my arms around her icy body and dragged her out of the water and towards my car. Both of us were dripping wet as we entered my car but what alarmed me was the fact that Izzy’s eyes were closed and that her breathing was slow and shallow and she looked so grey and lifeless.

I immediately turned the heaters on full blast and raced towards the nearest hospital which was about 20 minutes away. I sped down every road, talking loudly to Izzy in hopes that she may wake up and talk to me but she remained motionless and so I continued talking to her as I freaked the fuck out and finally made it to the hospital.

I scooped up Izzy’s tiny frame in my arms and ran into the hospital in a frenzy. “Help, please, she was in the ocean and she won’t wake up!” I shouted to anyone and everyone and I was suddenly swarmed by doctors who immediately took Izzy off of my hands and ushered her away from me as I collapsed into a chair in the waiting room, wondering how the fuck everything had managed to go so colossally wrong.