Better for You

I let out a smile at my mother as she handed me a plain pair of skinny high-wasted denim jeans, an oversized grey hoodie and some white converse to change into. After a long week and a half of lying in bed and watching re-runs of Friends, Grey’s Anatomy and Suits I was more than ready to finally be released from the hospital.

It had been a painfully long week, I had had two more sessions with Jodie which had delved more into my past with my mum and dad but it had made me feel uncomfortable and so I built up my walls and avoided answering the questions to the best of my ability – I just wasn’t ready to talk about that stuff with her, it was too personal.

I slowly got up from my bed and got changed out of my unappealing hospital dressing gown and into the clothes that my mother had given me. The clothes ended up being even baggier than usual on my petite frame, swallowing my body entirely – had I managed to lose weight just lying in the hospital bed for the past week?

“Those clothes look a little big on you.” My mum said, frowning at me which confused me – my mum had always been the first to praise me for losing weight so why was she acting like it was a bad thing?

“Yeah, I didn’t really like the hospital food.” I reasoned but my mother’s frown was unwavering.

“Ok, we need to book your follow up appointment and then we should be good to go.” My mother told me and I nodded my head in agreement, happy to finally be leaving this hospital prison.

My mother led me towards the nurse’s station where we booked in our next appointment for the coming Friday morning, the purpose of the appointment was to test why my heart was so weak but I was sure that it was just because I hadn’t had breakfast that day, not because of any really bigger issue that Dr Tanner seemed to think that there was.

“We should get some breakfast Izzy, how about ihop?” My mum asked as she pulled out of the hospital parking lot and I frowned. My mother was never a fan of ihop or any restaurant of that style – I remember beginning my mother to take me to ihop or pancake house when we came out to the states as a kid and my mother would always refuse because it was ‘full of bad stuff’.

“What do you mean? You always said that ihop was a terrible restaurant?” I questioned my mum who avoided my gaze as she concentrated her attention on the road ahead of us.

“It’s not bad every so often, you clearly haven’t had a decent meal since before you were in the hospital and so this type of food will be good for you to fill you up.” My mum advised and I frowned.

“I had breakfast this morning.” I told my mum, omitting the fact that I only ate the fruit that they had served and not the porridge because the porridge was just stodgy and not very appealing and my body wouldn’t be able to stomach that kind of food.
My mother cut me an analysing glance before she sighed in relief. “You did?”

“Yeah, I’m still full from it as well, I don’t think that I could eat any more food.” I assured my mother and she seemed happy with my response.

“Ok, just make sure that you eat properly Izzybell, you’ll recover better if you do.” My mother suggested and I nodded my head, turning my gaze to looking out of the window as I let the conversation fizzle out there.

When we finally arrived at my dorms I felt considerably lighter as I was able to distance myself from my mum’s odd behaviour.

“Ok Izzybell, let me know if you need me for anything at all, ok?” My mother checked and I nodded at my mum, accepting her hug and wrapping my arms around her for a couple of seconds before pulling back to collect my bag and go inside.

When I reached my dorm, I felt considerably out of breath from taking the stairs and carrying my bag of my stuff from the hospital. I had managed to stay on top of my work thanks to Andy giving me her notes and updating me on what we had been studying. I had also been given two weeks leave from work but would be expected back there by Monday which was only two days away.

I cringed as I looked at my body in the mirror, my skin was looking a yellow tone, my hair was thinning and I just looked tired. I turned away from my reflection and instead crawled into my bed, deciding to watch a movie to keep me occupied until Abby got back, even though that was all that I had been doing for the past week in hospital. I did consider going for a run but even I knew that I was too tired to be exercising right now.

I flicked through a range of movies, trying to find a decent film to watch and eventually deciding on watching my favourite film of all time – Forrest Gump.

Forrest Gump was my favourite movie but even Forrest Gump couldn’t distract me from the emptiness that I was feeling right now, in the hospital room I had always had someone with me but right now I was all alone and I couldn’t really escape the fact that the one person who I really wanted couldn’t be here.

Fuck, I really fucking missed Harry right now, he was always someone who I could go to whenever I needed to escape my feelings – he was my safe haven, and it was killing me to not call Harry and go see him.

I needed Harry, but I couldn’t call him – as much as my heart wanted to it would send mixed messages and I didn’t want to fuck with Harry’s head either.

I was in the middle of laughing, literally out loud, as Bubba shrimp listed all of the different forms of Shrimp when Abby walked in, cutting me an odd look.

“You’re back!” Abby gushed as she came over and hugged me tightly. “It’s been so weird in this dorm without you.”

“I’m surprised you noticed seeing as you’re almost never here!” I joked and Abby screwed her eyes at me in response.

“Well someone’s clearly feeling better!” Abby commented as she got up from my bed and flopped over on her own bed. “How are you though, like really?” Abby asked me in a serious tone as he expression immediately transformed and became sombre.

“Um, ok I guess.” I answered, fidgeting with my hands slightly as I tried to avoid the seriousness that was unwavering in Abby’s expression.

“That’s good.” Abby answered, her gaze watching me intensely for a couple of seconds as I examined my brittle nails to avoid her stare for a few seconds before fidgeting on my bed, feeling more and more uncomfortable from Abby’s scrutinising eyes. “Fuck it, come Izzy let’s go out.” Abby commanded me as she leapt up from her bed and stalked towards me, grabbing my hand and helping me up from my bed.

“What? Where are we going?” I asked Abby, not really wanting to be going out – I was very happy watching Forrest Gump under the covers and trying to distract myself from thoughts of Harry and, well, other stuff.

“We’re going on a little trip.” Abby answered in the most ambiguous way causing me to roll my eyes at her, what did she have planned?!

“Ok, let me just grab a coat.” I told Abby as I grabbed my oversized electric blue puffer coat and wrapped a knitted scarf around my neck to keep me warm, it may sound excessive but trust me I feel the cold.

“Right, you ready then?” Abby asked me and I nodded my head yes, following her out of the door and in the direction of her car, not having a clue as to what she had planned for us.

After a good ten minutes into the car journey, I was fidgeting in my seat despite Izzy’s attempts at trying to put me at ease by playing Drake’s music through the car speakers. “Can you at least tell me where we’re headed?” I begged Abby and she huffed, shaking her head when suddenly I took in my surroundings and I knew where we were going. “You’re taking me to the beach.” I stated as soon as my brain managed to put all of the dots together.

“Yeah.” Abby answered me as she continued looking ahead at the road ahead of us.

It was only midday but the weather really wasn’t beach suited – it’s late January and the weather can’t be much more than 40 degrees with a strong, cutting breeze which made it feel much colder, today was just a very grey day.

While Abby pulled into the beach I looked over at the sea waves thrusting against each other viciously, the whole setting but me on edge. This place was supposed to be my safety oasis however I felt anything but at home.

As Abby and I walked to the beach I was filled with a sudden feeling of angst, the ride was far out, revealing a layer of hundreds of different coloured rocks scattered across the shore forming a broken mosaic pattern.

I felt a cold drop on my head but I ignored it as I kept on following Abby until we reached a few feet away from the water. “What are we doing here?” I asked Abby but she cut me off as she turned to face me, her face appearing concentrated as she looked right at me.

“Your dad died a year ago, Izzy.” Abby spoke bluntly, causing my mouth to turn dry at her candour on such a sensitive topic – she had never been like this about my dad’s death.

“I know.” I spoke quietly, my voice wavering slightly, revealing my deeper emotions, as cold droplets began falling more frequently around me.

“And a year on the date you,” Abby spoke, pausing as she looked out into the ocean, “you nearly died.” Abby finished, swallowing audibly as she appeared to be battling her emotions herself.

“I-” I began but Abby immediately cut me off.

“And do you know what, I was angry Izzy.” Abby told me, catching me off guard. “I was really fucking angry because you’re my best friend and you nearly left me and I’m not ok with that.” Abby finished as rain broke out over us, washing my body with a familiar coldness. Abby then reached down to the ground, picking up a rock and throwing it into the water to release her anger as she stared ahead of me at the sea.

“I’m sorry Abby-” I replied but Abby interrupted me once again.

“I don’t want you to be sorry Izzy, I want you to be angry.” Abby instructed me and I frowned in confusion – what did she mean, she wanted me to be angry? “I was really angry that you could have left me, and then I released that what I went through wasn’t half of what you went through when your dad left you.” Abby told me, her voice softening as she placed her hands on both of my arms. “But you never got angry, you never released that anger that you felt and I think that you need to let it go.”

“I can’t be angry though.” I told Abby with a frown as I stepped back from Abby, not liking what she was inferring about my emotions towards my father. “My father made a choice and I have to respect it, I may not like it but I have to respect it.” I spoke, my voice almost sounding rehearsed.

“Izzy, you’re allowed to feel emotions –that’s ok. If you’re in pain, you’re allowed to hurt. You can love and respect your father and still be angry with what he did to you.” Abby told me and I covered my face with my hands as I felt her words tugging at something deeper within me, bringing out a deeply buried emotion that I hadn’t ever allowed myself to feel.

“But, I don’t – what do you want me to do?” I asked Abby, still not feeling sure about what Abby was saying.

The rain was pounding heavily on Abby and me, and I was so grateful that I was wearing my coat as the cool water washed down my body.

Abby shook her head at me, water droplets flicking from her hair as she did so, before she picked up another rock from the ground and cradled it in her hands. “I hate the fact that you never told me how much you were hurting from your father.” Abby told me as she then threw the rock into the ocean, causing a loud splash before it sank to the ocean floor. Abby then flickered her opinion to me, “Your turn.”

I bit my lip as I copied Abby’s actions, picking up a dark brown pebble and then sighed. “I hate the fact that I couldn’t help my dad.” I voiced, before flinging the pebble into the sea, the motion satisfying the anger that was brewing deep inside of me.

Abby smiled at me and nodded and then picked up another stone. “I hate the fact that I felt powerless when I saw you in the hospital bed.” Abby spoke in a louder voice before she hurled the stone into the sea.

I nodded my head in acknowledgement of Abby’s point before picking up another rock. “I hate the fact that my mum didn’t let my dad get help.” I confessed before chucking the rock into the sea.

Abby picked up another pebble. “I hate the fact that I couldn’t be there for you when your dad died.” Abby admitted before she lobbed her pebble into the ocean.

I then picked up a pebble. “I hate the fact that I can’t go back home in England because it reminds me of my dad.” I shouted before hurling my pebble into the ocean, but I then felt a surge of emotion for the first time in a long time and my body just released it all as tears built up in my tear ducts. “I hate the fact that I can’t sleep at night without seeing my dad’s face on the table at the coroner’s.” I continued as Abby paused, she was crouched on the floor to pick up another rock but she then rose to look at me.

“I hate the fact that my dad left me. I was 18 years old, I wasn’t ready to see him go.” I continued, tears streaming down my face. Abby stood still where she was which I was grateful for because I just needed to let all of my thoughts out. “I hate the fact that my dad didn’t fight harder. I hate the fact that he just gave up, because he didn’t just give up on himself; he gave up on my and on my mum.” I spoke as my hand reached down to the ground and picked up a black stone and I lobbed it into the sea. “But what I hate the most is the fact that I didn’t get to say goodbye. One day he was my dad, and the next he was a corpse on the coroner’s table and I didn’t get to prepare myself for that – I didn’t get a goodbye.” I admitted as I broke down in tears. Abby came running up to me and gave me a tight hug as our drowned bodies clutched tightly to each other.
“It’s alright Izzy, it’s gonna be alright.” Abby murmured comfortingly in my ear as her hand ran through my wet hair.

“I never got to say goodbye.”