Better for You

I anxiously coaxed my bottom lip into my mouth with my teeth as I chewed on it, maintaining my eyes on the ceiling to avoid looking at the numbers beneath me. My whole body was pouring out what seemed like a gallon of sweat a minute as my fingers subconsciously trailed my healing wound on my wrist which I had tried my best to conceal from Dr Tanner’s eyes.

I hated every second of this.

Today was Friday, which meant one thing; I was having my testing done. This had to have been the worst part, or so I thought as Dr Tanner finally allowed me to step off of the scales and put on the rest of my clothes.

I hated weighing myself, it was a practise that I religiously avoided because the numbers always gave me the same response: that I would never be perfect enough.

I had already had my height and body measured and after being weighed I only had one part left – the blood test. The blood test wasn’t too bad, Dr Tanner simply took a sample of my blood to check for any underlying health defects that there could be which I didn’t mind to much because the needle part was over and done within a couple of seconds and so in comparison I much preferred it to having my measurements done.

“Ok, Izzy, I’m now going to refer you to Dr Murray, is that ok with you?” Dr Tanner asked me, causing me to frown. Why did I need to see Dr Murray now? I didn’t have another appointment due with Dr Murray so why did I need to see her when I was here to get tested for why my heart wasn’t very strong?

“Why?” I question Dr Tanner, feeling slightly uncomfortable about the fact that he was referring me to a psychiatrist.

“She’s just going to ask you a few questions, that’s all.” Dr Tanner answered my question vaguely as he led me outside of his office and towards Olivia who smiled warmly at me as her eyes landed on me. “Please could you escort Miss Hartley to Dr Murray.” Dr Tanner asked Olivia who nodded her head yes before Dr Tanner retreated back to his office.

“Well it’s nice to see you out of that darn wheel chair, you’ve been staying out of trouble I hope.” Liv greeted me through her wide smile as we walked down the hallway together.

“Yeah, back to the boring life it is.” I replied to Liv who shook her head, chuckling slightly in disbelief at my response.

“Oh honey, if there’s one thing that I know about you then it’s that your life is far from boring.” Liv commented which was fairly accurate to be fair, I mean in the week I’ve been out of the hospital I’ve already had an emotional outburst with Abby, a long run in with Harry and alongside this I seemed to have developed a habit of tearing the skin on my wrist; but at least I have yet to see Lucy so it could have been worse.

“That’s very true – how’s Stevie doing?” I asked Liv, Stevie was Liv’s 12-year-old son who Liv loved to talk about. Liv was very proud of her son who was on the honour role at his school and already aspiring to go to Yale university.

“He got his calculus test back yesterday and guess how he did?” Liv asked me as we began walking the stairs up to Dr Murray’s floor, knowing how I wasn’t the biggest fan of lifts plus it was an excuse for her to get some extra steps done. “He got the best in his class.” Liv gushed as she wore a proud smile on her face at her son’s success, she was a fantastic mum – you could just tell.

“Wow, that’s fantastic – I thought that you said that he wasn’t the biggest fan of maths?” I asked.

“Well, that’s what I thought but now apparently he’s fallen in love with the subject. I mean, how you could fall in love with maths is beyond me but each to their own, I guess.” Liv enthused as we reached Dr Murray’s office when a sudden wave of nervousness overcame me. “Don’t worry hun, you know how lovely Dr Murray is – you’ll be fine.” Liv reassured me, how she knew that I had had a sudden change in attitude was beyond me, but her words comforted me and I was very grateful for them.

“Thanks, Liv.” I told her with a soft smile before I knocked on Dr Murray’s door and a couple of seconds later it opened to reveal Jodie smiling at me as she beckoned me inside with a wave of her manicured hand.

“Izzy, come on in – it’s nice to see you again.” Jodie told me as I walked inside of her office and took up my normal position on the sofa, watching the little fishes swimming around inside, my eyes immediately finding Nemo the clownfish and watching as it just floated in the water with its mouth opening and closing randomly. “So, how have you been?” Jodie asked me as she took a seat on her chair, angling her body to face me as her green eyes studied me closely.

“I’ve been good, thank you.” I answered Jodie, flickering my eyes to her as I gave her a reassuring smile.

“That’s good to hear, so you’ve been recovering well then I take it?” Jodie questioned, her kind green eyes still examining me carefully.

“Yes, I pretty much feel like my old self.” I replied, still smiling so darn much that my cheeks were starting to ache.

“That’s good to hear.” Jodie commented as she wrote a couple of notes on her notepad before pausing to take a deep breath and then focussing her attention on me once more. “I’m going to have to ask you some more personal questions now, are you going to be alright to answer them?” Jodie asked me, triggering butterflies to escape from their cocoons in my stomach and cause mayhem inside of me as I my heart rate and breathing faltered slightly.

‘Y-yes, yes - that’s fine.” I stammered as I felt an itch in my fingers to scratch the wound on my wrist, the thought of sinking my nails into my reddened skin seeming somewhat scarily enticing.

“Ok, so Izzy, can you tell me what you had for breakfast today?” Jodie enquired titling her head to the side as she watched me, flicking her pen back and forth on the notepad.

I physically felt the blood drain from my face as Jodie asked me about my diet, feeling personally attacked as a result of her topic of discussion. “Um, I had a coffee.” I answered, causing Jodie to frown at my answer.

“And anything else?” Jodie probed me further but I shook my head, likely to her dismay.

“No, I don’t feel very hungry in the mornings.” I reasoned and Jodie watched me for a couple of seconds before writing some notes on her notepad, filling me with anxiety as I watched her do so – I craved to know what she was writing about me.

Was it bad?

Did she think that there was something wrong with me?

“And what did you have for dinner last night?” Jodie asked me and I inhaled a deep breath as my fingertips clawed into the material of my jeans to resist the urge to touch my wrist.

“Uhm, well I was working until late so I didn’t, um,” I trailed off as I noticed Jodie’s frown on her face, “I had a big salad for lunch so I was full from that so I didn’t really need a dinner.” I explained, hoping to satisfy Jodie but her face didn’t show any indication of my answer doing that.

“Izzy,” Jodie began, pausing as she looked at the notes on her page before returning her gaze to me, “all that you’ve had for the past 24 hours is a salad and coffee.” Jodie stated, her voice sounding worried as she looked at my form with concern. I felt my entire body tense at Jodie’s voice and what she was implying. I really hated discussing food and my diet, it was too personal. “Your body is still recovering from the trauma and you need to feed yourself - the current diet that you have won’t sustain you for long.” Jodie stated and I frowned at her comment, I couldn’t sustain my diet for long – what did that mean?

“It’s not a problem, I’ve got it under control – it’s just that I don’t have much of an appetite I guess.” I stated in a casual tone to try to encourage Jodie move on from the topic because the stress of it was starting to get to me as I felt my finger nails scratching my thighs through the denim of my jeans.

Jodie sighed as she clasped her hands together and placed them over her notepad in her lap. “Izzy, Dr Tanner measured your BMI today.” Jodie stated, causing my blood to freeze in my veins as my ears rang loudly. “Do you know what your BMI is?” Jodie asked me and I felt my mouth go dry as my voice failed me and so I simply shook my head no as my answer. “Your BMI was 15.3” Jodie stated, causing my heart to pound so loudly in my chest I thought it might break free of my body.

“W-what does that mean?” I stuttered.

“It means that if your BMI was less by point 3 then I would seriously consider hospitalising you.” Jodie answered as my body curled up and I felt tears springing to my eyes as her words resonated through me.

I could be hospitalised?

My breathing rate increased as suddenly the room was becoming too small and there wasn’t enough oxygen, there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room, I couldn’t breathe. I was trapped, it was like I was underwater and I just couldn’t breathe. I kept trying to inhale air but it wasn’t doing anything, until suddenly Jodie presented me with a brown paper bag and placed it around my lips as I breathed into it. I watched as the paper bag moved as I inhaled and exhaled. Eventually my breathing gradually returned to normal as I removed the bag from my lips and looked shamefully at my lap, too embarrassed to even look Jodie in the eyes.

An uncomfortable silence took over the room as I tried to recover from my episode and Jodie watched me carefully as though I was going to break at any moment.

“Has this happened to you before?” Jodie asked, referring to the event that had just taken place and I shrugged my shoulders, taking a moment to compose myself before replying.

“Not for a while,” I began, lifting my fingers to wipe the tears that had formed in my eyes, “it happened when my dad died. I would, I would get these nightmares and I would wake up and I couldn’t breathe but I eventually grew out it. It hasn’t happened since I moved to the States.” I answered honestly, feeling very tired from my episode as I lifted my legs so that my feet were positioned by my bum and I wrapped my arms around my legs as I rested my head forward on my knees.

I then heard Jodie getting up from her chair as her footsteps neared me and then she was sat beside me, gently placing her hand on my arm as a sign of support.

“What you went through with your dad,” Jodie started, my body tensing up as she mentioned my father which I’m sure that she felt, “it was a lot for you to go through. Grief of this kind can affect many people in many different ways.” Jodie explained, her thumb rubbing soothing strokes on my arm. “Sometimes with events like what happened with your dad where you felt like you lost some of your control, it can cause you to compensate by controlling other aspects of your life, such as your diet.” Jodie rationalised in a calm and soothing voice as a silence took over the room as I tried to quieten the voices and emotions that were running around in my head.

I was weak. I was weak and vulnerable then with my father and I was weak and vulnerable even now with the support of all of my friends around me.

I was weak.

I wasn’t enough.

I’d never be enough.

“I just want it to stop.” I whispered as I screwed my eyes shut, trying to block out the rest of the world and find some sense of peace amongst the noise.

“What do you want to stop?” Jodie questioned, not able to see the emotional torment that I was feeling inside.

“The pain, I just want it all to stop.”