Better for You

I was fidgeting uncomfortably in my seat as I looked at the enormous blueberry muffin and now empty Americano that were innocently harassing me on the coffee table in front of me. Andy was recalling what she and Zayn had gotten up to yesterday, and as much as I wanted to give Andy the attention that she deserved, all that mind my mind could think about was the levels of sugar, fat and carbs that were buried inside of the muffin that sat before me.

The scent of the muffin was so sweet and enticing, but its size and my knowledge of the fact that it had 350 calories in it (thanks to Starbucks showing the nutritional values of its foods) and so I was all too aware of the consequences of eating this muffin.

I know what you’re probably thinking, why do you need to eat the muffin? Well, when I left Jodie’s office last week, I left with an eating plan. Together in the session Jodie and I had devised a meal plan with plenty of snacks and nutritional food to help my body recover from its ‘malnourishment’. Today I had planned to eat something sweet and unhealthy, what I had thought would be a simple task but as I stared ahead at the momentous muffin ahead of me, I realized just how hard a challenge it was for me to eat a blueberry muffin and that was very scary for me.

It was like a bucket of cold water had been poured over me as I became aware of just how controlling I had become of my diet, to the point where a fresh blueberry muffin was sat right in front of me and all my brain could focus on was its fat, sugar and carbohydrate levels.

So, I guess you can understand why I couldn’t concentrate on Andy’s story.

I inhaled a deep breath as I stared at the muffin, preparing myself to tear off a piece and take a bite of it when Andy called me out. “Izzy?” Andy asked, placing a soft hand on my shoulder, effectively breaking my trance of preparing myself to eat some of the muffin.

“Hmm?” I hummed, looking up to Andy with a small smile as she looked at me with concern.

Andy’s eyes flickered over me with worry as she then looked at the muffin in front of me and gave my shoulder a comforting squeeze. “You ok?” Andy asked me with concern laced in her voice as her eyes studied my face.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I answered, forcing a smile onto my face as I flickered my eyes to the muffin and then back to Andy. “Sorry, you were saying?” I asked, urging Andy to continue her story, which she did and I actually paid attention to it this time as Andy told me about how Zayn had made her a really nice roast dinner (Andy’s favourite meal) and had been really sweet and then proceeded to ask her to be his girlfriend.

I grinned in happiness for Andy as she told me this, the smile on her face unwavering as she expressed her reaction of shock and happiness as she felt like what she had with Zayn was real this time and how happy she was in their relationship.

“That’s amazing Andy, I’m really happy for you two.” I told Andy, reaching across the coffee table to where Andy was sitting and I squeezed her hand. As I removed my hand from Andy’s I lifted it across the coffee table and hesitated as I saw the blueberry muffin underneath my hand. I bit my lip and then inhaled a shaky breath as I finally decided to take a bit of the blueberry muffin.

My hands felt like jelly as I reached down to the muffin and delicately unpeeled a section of the case and let my fingers dig into the muffin’s fluffy texture. I removed a small portion of the muffin and held it between my thumb and index finger as I brought it towards my mouth. For a couple of seconds, I stared at the piece of muffin that lay in my hands, it’s oil spilling onto my fingertips and its sweet scent feeling almost overwhelming and so I closed my eyes and placed the food inside of my mouth, it’s sweet, blueberry taste invading my senses and reminding me of why I used to love blueberry muffins so much.

I chewed the piece of muffin a couple of times before swallowing it and opening my eyes to find Andy watching me with a proud expression on her face which she quickly removed once she noticed that I was looking at her. “Nice?” Andy asked me with a smile playing on her lips to which I nodded in response and tentatively reached out to the muffin again to take another piece out of it and consuming it with less hesitation than the time before.

“So, what does this mean for you and Zayn then – are you going to like tell everyone and like change your Facebook status and stuff?” I asked Andy, internally snorting at the thought of Zayn changing his Facebook status to being in a relationship.

Andy rolled her eyes at me and I took another bite from the muffin, my body starting to crave its sweet, berry goodness. “God no, could you imagine Zayn changing his Facebook status?!” Andy laughed as she shook her head and I took another piece from the muffin. “No, it just means that we’re no longer single and if people ask then I guess I’d say that Zayn is my boyfriend.” Andy answered me with a smile still playing on her lips as she spoke about Zayn being her boyfriend, it was obvious how smitten she was with him.

“Well when are you going to tell Abby and the others about you and Zayn then?” I asked Andy, taking another bite from my muffin, and Andy shrugged in response, opening her mouth to reply when her eyes fixed on something behind me and her body froze.

“Yes Andy, when are you going to tell everyone about you and Zayn, hmm?” Lucy asked in a malicious tone from behind me and I felt my entire body go rigid at the sound of Lucy’s nasal voice. Freaking Lucy, of course she would have the audacity to come and speak to Andy and me after everything that she has done to us.

“Um, I- I don’t know.” Andy stuttered as she then quickly drank from her latte to avoid looking at the reincarnation of Regina George. I looked down at the blueberry muffin in front of me and felt my appetite disappear as shame washed over me, Lucy had caught me tucking into a muffin.

I felt humiliated.

Lucy clicked her tongue at Andy and then twisted her body towards me, causing my anxiety levels to sky rocket at this uncomfortable situation. “It’s a shame, I personally don’t see them working and I suppose you don’t too given your,” Lucy began, pausing as she looked to be finding the right words, “experiences.” I physically felt my blood boil at Lucy’s insulting presence towards Andy and me and it took everything in me not to bitch slap her with my right hand because ‘violence isn’t the answer’, which in that moment I was definitely calling bullshit on, but still.

“Lucy, don’t you have any friends to hang out with instead of Andy and I who have a very strong dislike of you?” I asked Lucy in a bored voice, disguising my anger pretty seamlessly if you asked me. Lucy’s eyes narrowed at me in anger when her eyes flickered down to my nearly half eaten muffin and a devilish glint shone in her eyes as she smiled condescendingly at me.

“Oh I do, it’s just there’s nothing quite like making you squirm as you get caught eating your feelings away.” Lucy replied in a bitterly sweet voice, her words cutting straight through me as my fingers craved to tear the now healed skin on my wrist. Andy must have noticed this as she reached across to me and held my hand in hers as a sign of support.

“Lucy, I’m sorry I just have to ask,” Andy began, her voice full of fake curiosity, “does your arse ever get jealous of all of the shit that comes out of your mouth?” Andy questioned, shocking both Lucy and I at her comeback, this had to have been the first time that I had ever seen Andy stick up for herself like this and I was shocked, in the best way possible.

“What-” Lucy began, pausing to take the time to try to summon a decent response (that would be subpar to anyone else’s standards), “do you know what, I’m not even going to answer that.” Lucy huffed, crossing her arms across her chest.

“Really? So that’s all that we have to say to get you to shut up?! Finally, an answer to my prayers.” Andy enthused and I had to bite back my laughter at Andy’s comment, I had never seen this side to Andy but damn was she pulling it off – I was proud.

I watched as Lucy’s right eye twitched and her lips pursed as her face radiated anger. “You know what you little bitch, you may be happy in your delusional relationship with Zayn, but I hope you know that I could end your ‘relationship’ whenever I want to, all I have to do I say the words to Zayn and he’ll come running right back to me.” Lucy hissed and I didn’t miss the quiver in Andy’s lips as she heard Lucy’s words and so this time I reached across to Andy and gave her hand a supportive squeeze.

“Oh yeah, like you did with Harry – you know, forcing yourself onto him and then having him push you away and avoid you ever since?” I asked Lucy in a casual voice, as if I was asking about the weather. “You know there’s a reason why Harry and Zayn don’t hang out with you anymore Lucy – they can all see you for what you really are and no-one likes that. You couldn’t get with Zayn even if you tried so why don’t you stop talking shit and return to the cave that you crawled out of.” I quipped, my voice sounding uninterested as I tilted my head to the side, goading a response from Lucy but she looked utterly shocked, her mouth opening and closing several times before she let out a pretentious “hmph” and then swivelled on her heel and strutted out of the café.

I let out a long breath that I didn’t know that I was holding as Lucy finally left our sights and I tried to return my breathing to normal. My hands were shaking from the adrenaline rush that I had gotten from the confrontation and my heart was hammering in my chest but I was proud of the way that Andy and I stood up to Lucy, after all the shit that Lucy had put us through it was cathartic to get that off of my chest.

“I’m impressed, Andy – I’d never seen that side to you in a fight, remind me to never cross you.” I told Andy while sporting a proud smile on my face, my best friend could be badass when she wanted to.

“I’ve never seen that side to me before!” Andy gaped, still shocked at her behaviour. “I was just so angry that I just became, like, detached from my body and then all these insults that I used to say to Abby just came flooding back to me and then the next thing you know I’m insulting bloody Lucy!” Andy gushed, her hands cupping her face as she grinned at me. “Was I good?” Andy checked and I chuckled, nodding my head at her.

“You were bloody amazing, it was like you were channelling your inner Sasha Fierce and it gave me LIFE.” I exclaimed, bursting into giggles with Andy as we got up from our seats and I looked down at my half-eaten blueberry, sighing as I saw how much of it I had left to eat and how little desire that I had to eat it, especially after Lucy’s words.

After a couple of seconds of deliberation, I picked up the half-eaten muffin and threw it in the bin on my way out.

“Baby steps” I muttered to myself as we left the café.