Status: Will be slow in updates as am still in full time education but will try to update as regularly as possible
Better for You
Chapter 53
I inhaled a couple of calming breaths as I shook my hands a couple of times to try to rid my body of the nervous energy that was pulsating through it. It was a very cold day with clouds blanketing the sky and as I sat in my car, staring at the daunting house in front of me, my body felt even colder.
“What am I doing here?” I asked myself, second-guessing my body’s instinct to take me here.
I knew why I was here; seeing Abby so broken-hearted over Niall had made me realise what I had to lose if I kept on toying with Harry the way that I was, but that didn’t mean that I should forget what I had been telling myself for the past couple of weeks.
As much as I loved Harry and I wanted to be with him, it didn’t change the fact that I wasn’t ready to be someone’s girlfriend and until it was, it was unfair of me to be in a relationship with Harry as I would only hurt him.
And so, I reached into my handbag that was hastily placed on the passenger’s seat and dug out my phone amongst all of the other clutter that I hoarded in my bag (mainly hand sanitisers and lips balms).
I unlocked my phone, having to warm-up my hands by blowing on them in order for my iPhone to recognise my thumb, and then opened the contacts app where I scrolled down until the letter J where I called the number.
“Hi, Kelly speaking, you have reached Dr Murray’s office, how can I help?” Dr Murray’s cheery assistant answered the phone.
“Hi, my name’s Izzy Hartley – I’m a patient of J-Dr Murray’s and I was wondering if she had any free slots today where I could see her?” I inquired, picking at my fingernails as I rested my phone between my cheek and shoulder.
“Sure, I’ll just check – give me one moment.” Dr Murray’s assistant replied as a static silence took over for a few brief seconds. “Ok, so Dr Murray is currently with someone now, but she finishes in twenty minutes and then had a free hour – would you like this appointment?” Kelly asked and I nodded over the phone, then realising that she couldn’t see me and so I agreed and repeated my details before hanging up and driving to the hospital.
Never in a million years did I think that I would be coming to see Dr Murray out choice, but then I never thought that many things in my life would happen so I guess that I shouldn’t be too surprised by anything at this rate.
As I walked inside of the hospital doors, the now fairly familiar scent of bleach invaded my senses. The walk up the stairs to Jodie’s office felt especially long today and I even broke out into a light sweat as finally reached her office as Jodie was saying goodbye to her patient that she had just seen.
The patient was a middle-aged woman who was probably if I had to take a guess then in her mid-fifties and was wearing a hospital gown that drowned her strikingly thin and fragile figure that looked like it would crumble under the slightest pressure. The woman was around my height of 5ft5 and had extremely thin, straw like blonde hair that just surpassed her shoulders, framing her hollowed face which had a pasty complexion with red blotches on her cheeks and nose. The women gave a tight smile to Jodie before a nurse took the woman away to wherever she was staying in the hospital.
Jodie’s eyes flickered around the room and then landed on me and she gave me a warm smile, using her hand to beckon for me to go to her. “Izzy, how are you feeling? I wasn’t expecting to see you until our appointment on Friday.” Jodie asked, her voice not holding a single ounce of offensive, instead she just sounded genuinely surprised.
“Yeah, I was uhm, I was going to see Harry because I just really missed him, but then I was like I can’t do that so I wanted to see you because I just want to fix myself so that I can be with Harry.” I vented and I noticed Jodie frown at my final words and hesitantly opened her mouth when my brain clocked what my mouth had hastily said. “Well, no – not like I want to fix myself for Harry, I want to fix myself for me because I want to be happy and I just want normal and none of this drama and stuff but I want to be with Harry as well but only when I’m better.” I explained and Jodie nodded her head slowly, clearly a little confused by my talkative state when normally I only squeeze out a couple of words. “Sorry, I don’t know why I’m talking so much, I just want to get better now. I didn’t think that I needed help before but I want it now – I want to get better.”
There was a brief silence that filled the room as I avoided eye contact with Jodie and just looked down at my hands as they restlessly fiddled with a couple of my rings in my lap. “Izzy,” Jodie began, pausing as she waited for me to give her my full attention. Slowly, I raised my vulnerable eyes to meet Jodie’s softened green eyes as she gifted me a warm smile, melting all of my worries. “Izzy, that is exactly what I’ve been waiting to hear you say for so long. All I’m ever going to ask from you is your commitment and honesty. What you’ve just said to me is that you are committed to progressing and getting better and that’s exactly what I want to help you do.”
I nodded my head to show that I understood what Jodie was saying, glad that Jodie understood what I was trying to explain through my oddly unfiltered mouth. “So, what happens now?” I asked, not really sure of what was going to happen next.
“Now, I help you get better. What I want to focus on is learning your emotions and understanding them. What is important to know, is that there is no such thing as an invalid feeling, whatever you are feeling is important and it is really important that you can understand that and learn how to process events in a way that won’t cause you negative emotions.” Jodie described, her calm words filling me with reassurance that I wasn’t alone in getting better.
I inhaled a deep breath, nodding my head before answering, “Ok.”
“So, what I want to ask you is if I was to mention your father’s name, what would come to mind? How would you feel?” Jodie asked me, causing me to frown as I thought about her question, the immediate feeling was of a deep emotional pain accompanied by a gut-wrenching guilt, leaving an unsettling feeling in my stomach.
I nibbled on my lip nervously as I trained my eyes on the fish tank in front of me. “I guess it obviously makes me sad.” I answered and Jodie’s head nodded up and down, encouraging me to say more. “And guilty, I feel a lot of guilt.” I expanded.
Jodie’s features softened as I said this, she tapped her pen on her notepad a couple of times before responding. “Why is it that you feel guilty about your father?” Jodie questioned, tilting her head to the side as she watched my reaction.
“Uhm, I don’t know.” I mumbled, diverting my attention to my hands as I once again began fiddling with my rings in my lap. “I guess his death could have been prevented, it’s not like he had a disease that couldn’t be cured. He chose to kill himself and I could have stopped that.” I explained, keeping my eyes trained on my lap because tears were building in my eyes and I didn’t want to cry, I hated crying. I blinked my eyes multiple time to rid my eyes of the tears and bit my lip as it began to tremble, speaking about my dad was always an emotional topic for me but for some reason this conversation about my dad was hitting me even harder.
“Depression acts the same as a disease, Izzy.” Jodie spoke after a couple of seconds of intense silence. Jodie paused once again as she waited for me to look at her, I was reluctant to raise my glassy eyes at first but after a couple of seconds I caved and looked up at Jodie who held my gaze intensely. “It destroys the mind and it poisons your thoughts, it’s like a disease in many ways, but in some ways, it’s worse because it changes the person it inhabits.” Jodie tried to explain, but I shook my head at her because she didn’t understand what I was trying to say.
“No, that’s not it. I know that mental illnesses are serious, it’s not that I don’t know that my father was sick. My dad was very sick and I saw it first-hand but it-” I began, pausing as I tried to string my thoughts into a coherent sentence. “The disease didn’t kill him, he did. Like, if he hadn’t have been at the train station that day then he would probably be here today and I could have helped him. He didn’t die because of a disease, he died because I couldn’t save him.” I finished, tears filling falling from my eyes in a constant stream as I used my fingers to lightly brush them away.
“How would you have saved him?” Jodie asked me, catching me by surprise at her words as I considered what she was saying and really thought about how I could have saved my dad. My guilt skyrocketed as my mind failed to think of ways that I could save my dad – was I really this useless?
“I don’t kno- I mean,” I sighed, running a stressed hand through my hair, “I just could have talked to him and made him get help. I wish I forced my mum to let him get help, I could have – I could have been a better daughter, I could have been stronger for him.” I replied, my voice becoming quieter as my throat began closing up so that I had to force out my final words.
“Can I ask you something?” Jodie asked and I nodded in reply, not trusting my voice to actually make a sound if I did try to speak. “Do you blame anyone for when you were hospitalised?”
My blood turned to ice in my veins as Jodie caught me off guard with the question about my incident. We hadn’t spoken much about my incident, and the sudden trip down memory lane only reminded me of how much pain I had felt. Instead of speaking, because my voice was simply a lost cause at this point, I just shook my head no.
“Why is that?” Jodie asked me and I was internally groaning because I would now have to speak and I genuinely wasn’t sure if my voice could function at this point.
I inhaled a deep breath and cleared my throat a couple of times before replying to Jodie’s question. “Because it wasn’t their fault.” I answered, my voice sounding incredibly tight and forced. “I did what I did I- I can’t blame them for my actions.” I replied, not sure of what Jodie was trying to demonstrate through her questions.
“Exactly.” Jodie agreed, causing me to frown in confusion, completely lost as to what her point was. “Your actions are your actions alone, you can’t blame someone else for a choice that you made of your own free will.” Jodie stated, and I nodded my head, starting to understand what she was getting at. “You can’t take the blame for your dad’s actions. Your dad chose to do what he did and you are not responsible for that.” Jodie said and finally her words started to sink in as my brain processed what she was saying. “It’s not your fault, Izzy. What happened to your father was very tragic, but it was not your fault – you cannot take the blame for his actions.” Jodie emphasized and for the first time I felt a fraction of a weight being lifted from my chest, allowing me to breathe a little deeper and see a little brighter.
Maybe Jodie was right.
Maybe what my dad did wasn’t my fault.
Maybe I was worth saving.
“What am I doing here?” I asked myself, second-guessing my body’s instinct to take me here.
I knew why I was here; seeing Abby so broken-hearted over Niall had made me realise what I had to lose if I kept on toying with Harry the way that I was, but that didn’t mean that I should forget what I had been telling myself for the past couple of weeks.
As much as I loved Harry and I wanted to be with him, it didn’t change the fact that I wasn’t ready to be someone’s girlfriend and until it was, it was unfair of me to be in a relationship with Harry as I would only hurt him.
And so, I reached into my handbag that was hastily placed on the passenger’s seat and dug out my phone amongst all of the other clutter that I hoarded in my bag (mainly hand sanitisers and lips balms).
I unlocked my phone, having to warm-up my hands by blowing on them in order for my iPhone to recognise my thumb, and then opened the contacts app where I scrolled down until the letter J where I called the number.
“Hi, Kelly speaking, you have reached Dr Murray’s office, how can I help?” Dr Murray’s cheery assistant answered the phone.
“Hi, my name’s Izzy Hartley – I’m a patient of J-Dr Murray’s and I was wondering if she had any free slots today where I could see her?” I inquired, picking at my fingernails as I rested my phone between my cheek and shoulder.
“Sure, I’ll just check – give me one moment.” Dr Murray’s assistant replied as a static silence took over for a few brief seconds. “Ok, so Dr Murray is currently with someone now, but she finishes in twenty minutes and then had a free hour – would you like this appointment?” Kelly asked and I nodded over the phone, then realising that she couldn’t see me and so I agreed and repeated my details before hanging up and driving to the hospital.
Never in a million years did I think that I would be coming to see Dr Murray out choice, but then I never thought that many things in my life would happen so I guess that I shouldn’t be too surprised by anything at this rate.
As I walked inside of the hospital doors, the now fairly familiar scent of bleach invaded my senses. The walk up the stairs to Jodie’s office felt especially long today and I even broke out into a light sweat as finally reached her office as Jodie was saying goodbye to her patient that she had just seen.
The patient was a middle-aged woman who was probably if I had to take a guess then in her mid-fifties and was wearing a hospital gown that drowned her strikingly thin and fragile figure that looked like it would crumble under the slightest pressure. The woman was around my height of 5ft5 and had extremely thin, straw like blonde hair that just surpassed her shoulders, framing her hollowed face which had a pasty complexion with red blotches on her cheeks and nose. The women gave a tight smile to Jodie before a nurse took the woman away to wherever she was staying in the hospital.
Jodie’s eyes flickered around the room and then landed on me and she gave me a warm smile, using her hand to beckon for me to go to her. “Izzy, how are you feeling? I wasn’t expecting to see you until our appointment on Friday.” Jodie asked, her voice not holding a single ounce of offensive, instead she just sounded genuinely surprised.
“Yeah, I was uhm, I was going to see Harry because I just really missed him, but then I was like I can’t do that so I wanted to see you because I just want to fix myself so that I can be with Harry.” I vented and I noticed Jodie frown at my final words and hesitantly opened her mouth when my brain clocked what my mouth had hastily said. “Well, no – not like I want to fix myself for Harry, I want to fix myself for me because I want to be happy and I just want normal and none of this drama and stuff but I want to be with Harry as well but only when I’m better.” I explained and Jodie nodded her head slowly, clearly a little confused by my talkative state when normally I only squeeze out a couple of words. “Sorry, I don’t know why I’m talking so much, I just want to get better now. I didn’t think that I needed help before but I want it now – I want to get better.”
There was a brief silence that filled the room as I avoided eye contact with Jodie and just looked down at my hands as they restlessly fiddled with a couple of my rings in my lap. “Izzy,” Jodie began, pausing as she waited for me to give her my full attention. Slowly, I raised my vulnerable eyes to meet Jodie’s softened green eyes as she gifted me a warm smile, melting all of my worries. “Izzy, that is exactly what I’ve been waiting to hear you say for so long. All I’m ever going to ask from you is your commitment and honesty. What you’ve just said to me is that you are committed to progressing and getting better and that’s exactly what I want to help you do.”
I nodded my head to show that I understood what Jodie was saying, glad that Jodie understood what I was trying to explain through my oddly unfiltered mouth. “So, what happens now?” I asked, not really sure of what was going to happen next.
“Now, I help you get better. What I want to focus on is learning your emotions and understanding them. What is important to know, is that there is no such thing as an invalid feeling, whatever you are feeling is important and it is really important that you can understand that and learn how to process events in a way that won’t cause you negative emotions.” Jodie described, her calm words filling me with reassurance that I wasn’t alone in getting better.
I inhaled a deep breath, nodding my head before answering, “Ok.”
“So, what I want to ask you is if I was to mention your father’s name, what would come to mind? How would you feel?” Jodie asked me, causing me to frown as I thought about her question, the immediate feeling was of a deep emotional pain accompanied by a gut-wrenching guilt, leaving an unsettling feeling in my stomach.
I nibbled on my lip nervously as I trained my eyes on the fish tank in front of me. “I guess it obviously makes me sad.” I answered and Jodie’s head nodded up and down, encouraging me to say more. “And guilty, I feel a lot of guilt.” I expanded.
Jodie’s features softened as I said this, she tapped her pen on her notepad a couple of times before responding. “Why is it that you feel guilty about your father?” Jodie questioned, tilting her head to the side as she watched my reaction.
“Uhm, I don’t know.” I mumbled, diverting my attention to my hands as I once again began fiddling with my rings in my lap. “I guess his death could have been prevented, it’s not like he had a disease that couldn’t be cured. He chose to kill himself and I could have stopped that.” I explained, keeping my eyes trained on my lap because tears were building in my eyes and I didn’t want to cry, I hated crying. I blinked my eyes multiple time to rid my eyes of the tears and bit my lip as it began to tremble, speaking about my dad was always an emotional topic for me but for some reason this conversation about my dad was hitting me even harder.
“Depression acts the same as a disease, Izzy.” Jodie spoke after a couple of seconds of intense silence. Jodie paused once again as she waited for me to look at her, I was reluctant to raise my glassy eyes at first but after a couple of seconds I caved and looked up at Jodie who held my gaze intensely. “It destroys the mind and it poisons your thoughts, it’s like a disease in many ways, but in some ways, it’s worse because it changes the person it inhabits.” Jodie tried to explain, but I shook my head at her because she didn’t understand what I was trying to say.
“No, that’s not it. I know that mental illnesses are serious, it’s not that I don’t know that my father was sick. My dad was very sick and I saw it first-hand but it-” I began, pausing as I tried to string my thoughts into a coherent sentence. “The disease didn’t kill him, he did. Like, if he hadn’t have been at the train station that day then he would probably be here today and I could have helped him. He didn’t die because of a disease, he died because I couldn’t save him.” I finished, tears filling falling from my eyes in a constant stream as I used my fingers to lightly brush them away.
“How would you have saved him?” Jodie asked me, catching me by surprise at her words as I considered what she was saying and really thought about how I could have saved my dad. My guilt skyrocketed as my mind failed to think of ways that I could save my dad – was I really this useless?
“I don’t kno- I mean,” I sighed, running a stressed hand through my hair, “I just could have talked to him and made him get help. I wish I forced my mum to let him get help, I could have – I could have been a better daughter, I could have been stronger for him.” I replied, my voice becoming quieter as my throat began closing up so that I had to force out my final words.
“Can I ask you something?” Jodie asked and I nodded in reply, not trusting my voice to actually make a sound if I did try to speak. “Do you blame anyone for when you were hospitalised?”
My blood turned to ice in my veins as Jodie caught me off guard with the question about my incident. We hadn’t spoken much about my incident, and the sudden trip down memory lane only reminded me of how much pain I had felt. Instead of speaking, because my voice was simply a lost cause at this point, I just shook my head no.
“Why is that?” Jodie asked me and I was internally groaning because I would now have to speak and I genuinely wasn’t sure if my voice could function at this point.
I inhaled a deep breath and cleared my throat a couple of times before replying to Jodie’s question. “Because it wasn’t their fault.” I answered, my voice sounding incredibly tight and forced. “I did what I did I- I can’t blame them for my actions.” I replied, not sure of what Jodie was trying to demonstrate through her questions.
“Exactly.” Jodie agreed, causing me to frown in confusion, completely lost as to what her point was. “Your actions are your actions alone, you can’t blame someone else for a choice that you made of your own free will.” Jodie stated, and I nodded my head, starting to understand what she was getting at. “You can’t take the blame for your dad’s actions. Your dad chose to do what he did and you are not responsible for that.” Jodie said and finally her words started to sink in as my brain processed what she was saying. “It’s not your fault, Izzy. What happened to your father was very tragic, but it was not your fault – you cannot take the blame for his actions.” Jodie emphasized and for the first time I felt a fraction of a weight being lifted from my chest, allowing me to breathe a little deeper and see a little brighter.
Maybe Jodie was right.
Maybe what my dad did wasn’t my fault.
Maybe I was worth saving.
♠ ♠ ♠
So there it is, a very emotional and intense chapter - I hope you like it and sorry it's slightly late!! <3