Better for You

The previous two weeks had gone by without a word from Harry. Everything that we were thinking was openly portrayed through our glares at each other. Harry had been shoving me out of his way and shooting daggers into the back of my head for the past two weeks, and I had been no better. To be honest, we were acting childishly, but neither of us was prepared to give up our pride and talk to each other.

It's stupid really. I don't need Harry, we were never friends nor had I ever been close to him; I mean I had known him for what, 4 weeks? 3 of which had been spent ignoring him, so the fact that I was bothered by him was stupid.

Maybe it's because I know that he's hiding some story behind his haunting dark green eyes. Something about him had me hooked, I don't like him, but I want to know why he is the way he is. I'm a curious person, and mysterious people intrigued me, and that was what I was; intrigued.

I was planning to spend the day hanging around with Abby; however my mum had decided that she wanted to spend the day with me. The house that my mum had bought was around 30 minutes away, and so she picked me up at 10 am and drove me to the house. Mum’s appearance was well put together, as always, without a hair out of place and a mask of makeup to conceal any of her imperfections.

When we arrived mum took the liberty of showing me around the house. It was large and spacious which was unsurprising considering my mum was heavily invested in her job.

My mum worked for a clothing company in which she designs clothes for, hence why I get so many designer clothes from my mum. At the end of the tour my mum showed me to the room that she had set out for me, offering that I could stay here whenever I needed to.

The room had a slanted ceiling with a window on it that had a thick ledge that could be used to sit on. The room wasn't too big actually; it was a nice size so that it didn't seem too big and empty nor too small and cramped.

I walked over and sat down on my comfortable bed, feeling the quilt in between my fingers, being reminded of home back in England. I missed England so much. I missed how it rained almost every day, how it would snow in the winter; but never on Christmas day. I missed the cool breeze and how my fingertips would freeze and my eyes would water from its bitterness. I missed home.

Thinking of home made me fall back onto the bed and close my eyes, comparing America with England. I missed my friends from back home, I felt like I fitted in with them so well, and here I felt like an outsider. I loved Andy, Abby and the guys like family, but other than Andy I just couldn't relate to them. They just didn't quite understand me like my friends from back at home did.

I don't know how long I must have been lying like that for, but it must have been a while as I had dozed off. I awoke to my mother shaking my shoulder gently and telling me to come outside for a walk with her.

I sighed and forced a smile at her before getting up and walking downstairs with her, of course she would want me to do some form of exercise; some things never change with her and I could see through her actions.

“So how have your first few lessons of college been?” Mum asked, starting up a conversation as we walked down the street.

“Alright I guess, it’s mainly been introduction to law and what we’ll be studying; nothing too interesting.” I replied kicking a stone on the pavement.

“And what about your classmates? Have you made many friends?”

“Yea, I’ve made a few friends from Abby’s friendship group. One of the girls in the group - called Andy - is also in my law class so I hang out with her quite a bit.”

“That’s good to hear,” mum trailed off “and uhm what about outside of college? Have you been eating healthy and doing exercise? You know how important it is that you have a healthy diet.”

“Mum” I interrupted her, hating how she always brought up this subject.

“Izzy, I know you don’t like talking about your weight but it’s important that you control how you treat your body”

“Important that I control my diet or that you control my diet?” I cut her off, I was tired of having this same argument with her.

“Izzy” My mum scolded me.

“No mum, why can’t you just let me take care of my body? I can look after myself.”

“Consistency is important with your diet, don’t you remember that time when you came home and told me how you’d treated your body?!” Mum asked with a raised voice and I visibly flinched as she brought up that memory.

“I had just broken up with my boyfriend and you took it too far mum, you took it way too far.” replied in a tight voice, the memory of what she did to me still affecting me to this day.
“I had your best interests at heart Izzy.”

“But why can’t you just respect my decisions? Why can’t you treat me like an adult; like dad did?” I asked her in a quiet voice, staring at her expression. Her expression faltered as I brought up dad.

“Now’s not the time or place to discuss this Izzy, and you’d do well to not follow the examples your father set out for you.” She replied and I felt a stab in my heart as she spoke about my dad.

“How can you say that about him?” I asked her, taking a step back from her.

“Now is not the place to talk about this Izzy” She replied, looking around us to make sure that no-one was watching our conversation; she had a reputation to uphold.

“Please can you take me home now, I’ve got a lot of work to do” I told mum, I was lying and I’m pretty sure that she knew it too. Mum’s eyes showed a tiny glimpse of hurt at my wanting to leave before she concealed it quickly and plastered a smile on her face.

“Of course I can, I’m sure that college is making you a busy girl.”

The car ride to the dorms had been quiet and filled with tension. I didn't really know what to say, I was still hurt by my mum’s words.

Once we made it to the dorm I went to open the door when my mum tentatively grabbed my arm. “I don’t mean to upset you Izzy, you’re all I have; do you hear me? Everyone else has left me and you’re all I have left.” She told me, the vulnerability in her expression catching me off guard.

“I know mum, I hear you” I replied, giving her a tight lipped smile before getting out of the car. It wasn’t worth arguing with her when she’d just opened up to me about her insecurities. I understood where she was coming from when she tried so hard to control myself and my diet. She wanted to make sure that I was healthy so that I wouldn’t leave her completely alone but also gave the appearance that we were a happy family; appearances were everything for my mother.

Once I made it to my dorm I could hear arguing, as I nervously grabbed the door handle, opening it to reveal a sight I never thought that I'd ever see. Harry and Abby looked to be in the midst of a deep argument. Once they heard me, both of their heads snapped in my direction; taking in my worn out appearance.

I gave Abby a tight smile before walking over to my bed and crawling into it and closing my eyes as I leaned my head against the headboard. "Izzy, you ok?" Abby asked warily and I heard two sets of footsteps walking towards my bed.

I sighed and opened my eyes to find both Abby and Harry staring at me intently with concerned expressions. “Yeah I’m fine just my mum, you know how it is.” I told Abby and she nodded her head, she was vaguely aware of my mother and her controlling antics.

"What did she do?" Harry asked softly, sitting down on the edge of my bed. I stared at him, trying to decipher the emotion in his eyes. They looked to be sincere, but I had been fooled by them more than once already.

Harry seemed to pick up on my hesitance as he placed his hand on my leg in a comforting gesture and gifted me a soft smile. "You can tell me, I'm done with being a dick. I shouldn't have gone to Lucy and said what I said, and so for that I'm sorry. And I’m sorry for making those assumptions about your life, that wasn’t fair of me" Harry apologized genuinely, and I looked to Abby then back to Harry and sighed.

"My mother, she-" I began, stopping to take a deep breath as I flickered my eyes to my hands which were fiddling with each other in my lap. "She just reminded me of memories that I’d rather not remember." I told them. All that I could think about was that night where she took it too far, my stomach churning at the thought. Abby walked over to my side and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"I'm so sorry Izzy," Abby told me, and I bit my lip nodding.

Harry's phone then went off in his pocket, and he picked it, but must have clicked decline. "You can take the call if you want." I told Harry.

"Nah, it'll just be Zayn asking if I'm going to go to the party." Harry told me, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly.

"Oh yeah, you should probably go now if you wanna make it for the party." Abby told Harry, and I didn't question friendliness in her tone as I was too busy replaying the conversation with my mother in my head.

"No, it's fine. You go, I'll stay with Izzy." Harry replied, and my eyes would have popped out of my sockets if I wasn't stuck in this numb state.

"You sure? I can stay if you want." Abby asked, but Harry just shook his head no, with a soft expression. Abby gave him a tight lipped smile, kissed me on my cheek then left.

"You don't have to watch over me you know Harry, you can go to the party if you really want." I told Harry softly, but he looked at me like I was crazy.

"No, there's no way that I'm leaving you here alone. I may not know what’s going through that complicated mind of yours but I know what pain can do to people when they go through it alone and I'm not going to let that happen to you." Harry told me, getting up and sitting right next to me.

His right knee touched mine, making fire ignite from there and allowing the warmth to spread through my body. "How do you know what pain does to people?" I asked quietly, and Harry tensed beside me.

"It doesn't matter." Harry replied quickly, shutting down my question the moment that it left my mouth, and I cursed myself for being so curious.

"Sorry, I was being nosey." I apologized and Harry shrugged his shoulders. An unsettling silence followed as I tried to think of something to say to start a conversation. "So, how come you and Abby were being friendly?" I asked, hoping that he took this as me being genuine and not jealous.

"She's not that bad to hang with I guess. She's really protective of you though!" Harry laughed and I chuckled, before the silence overtook us again however it wasn't an awkward silence though; we were both just deep in thought.

The silence was exactly what I needed to clear my head. Part of me felt bad for my mother having to live her life alone now. I had moved out and my dad was no longer with us. I think part of my mum resented my dad for leaving us but I refused to feel that way; the one lesson he taught me was to respect other people’s decisions as you may not know or understand the reasons behind their actions and so I refused to judge his decision.

"My sister." Harry suddenly spoke, after a few minutes of silence.

"What?" I asked confused, looking to Harry who had a hard expression on his face, as he stared ahead into the wall about 15 ft from where we were sitting on my bed.

"How I know what pain does to people; it's because of my sister.” Harry began in a shaky voice, pausing for a second to gain composure, then continuing, “When I was fourteen and she was sixteen my parents split. I didn't take the news well, and hung out with the wrong crowd. But Gemma; she was completely different. She was so distant; she isolated herself from the world. She didn't say a word; hardly spoke unless she had to. She hid herself away in the security of her room." Harry answered, and I looked at him sincerely.

Whenever I had been around him he had been guarded, with walls soaring up into the sky, and this was the first time that he had put them down, and given me a glance into his life. "I saw her less and less. If I ever wanted to see her I'd have to go to her room. She'd either be lying on her bed or sitting by the window, and would have this look in her eyes of emptiness. She was numb. And then one time I came home and looked in her room, only she wasn't there. I panicked and looked all over the house for her. I found her in my parents bathroom with a razor blade in her hand." Harry trailed off, inhaling a shaky breath. “I ran to her and took the blade out of her hand and she was shaking violently… If I hadn’t come home when I did.” Harry stopped and started shaking his head as though he was trying to get rid of the picture in his mind.

“But you did. You stopped her. You stopped her from making a huge mistake that would have cost her everything.” I reassured him guilt taking over me at the parallels between Harry’s story and my own; however I had blood on my hands whereas Harry’s were clean. I stared at him, taking in everything he had told me. I doubt that he was this honest to many people, and I felt privileged to know his story. How horrible must that have been, to come home and find your sister with a razor in her hands.

"That's why I don't want you to go through this alone. I don't know if I could manage another death like that." Harry confessed, and I smiled at him softly, wrapping my arms around Harry. He must not be used to people showing affection towards him like this, as he noticeably tensed up as soon as my arms wrapped around him, but after a few moments he moulded into my arms.

Suddenly a wave of honesty washed over me and I felt the need to let Harry know more about what had happened today. Maybe it was because he had let me into his darkest memories that I felt I should return the gesture. I settled down beside Harry and he wrapped a comforting arm around my side. “Uhm, my mum has this obsession with controlling me. Everyone else has left her and I think part of her thinks that if she makes me the perfect daughter then I won’t leave her. She’s always been like this but it got worse after uhm, after something happened.” I trailed off, not feeling quite ready to talk about what had happened with my dad just yet. “Anyway, a few months ago Mike and I had this big argument and I was so hurt and so I went to my friend’s house and we got some take away pizza, had some ice-cream and just pigged out in front of the tv. Then I came home that evening and told my mum what had happened… She handed me some pills saying that they were vitamins and that I should take them as I wouldn’t get any nutrition out of the meal that I just had.” I paused taking a deep breath and avoided Harry’s searching eyes. I had never told anyone what had happened on this night.

“But I woke up in the middle of the night and I was sick. I was really really sick; everything in my stomach came up.” I revealed and saw Harry’s eyebrows furrow into a deep frown. “It turns out that my mum had given me pills to make me sick so that my body wouldn’t ingest the fat and sugar from the meal.” I finished and Harry’s arm tightened around me. As I turned to look at Harry I noticed the concern that was evident on his features as his hand cupped my face, his thumb stroking my cheek.

"You’re amazing" Harry whispered to me and I felt chills race down my spine. “And if you’re mum can’t see that you’re perfect as you are then she isn’t worth your time.” Harry finished and my heart melted at his soft words. He looked to be pretty upset about going on this trip down memory lane, but I felt honoured and also glad that I had opened up to him as well. Maybe he was changing into the guy that I so wanted him to be?