Finding Alice

Jefferson hit the ground hard. The icy path beneath him crumbled under his weight, so he slid onto his knees and scraped his palms on the bricks. Wonderland was dazzlingly white and devoid of color. The sky was a violent purple, and the rest of the land appeared hazy in the cold.

He stood and felt for the knife in his pocket. The skies were silent, but he looked to the swirling clouds for a sign of the Jabberwock's shadow. He wanted to find the rabbit again or the knight who'd helped him the day before—anyone who could set up a meeting with the Queen. Without a heart, Alice was incapable of love. She let him go simply out of duty or strategy. But not because she cared.

But curiosity couldn't be removed with a heart.

"What does she look like?" a voice asked from behind him. His heart jumped in his chest and sent shivers between his shoulder blades.

He knew that voice. Even after all these years, it felt familiar and safe. Like the scent of an apple orchard or warm cookies. It brought him right back to that cottage in the woods where he and his wife would dance in front of the fire waiting for dinner to finish cooking.

The White Queen stood between him and the portal. She was using her voice without an assistant now, but she was still veiled and draped in all-white like the landscape around her.

"She looks like her mother," he told her. "Hair like spun gold and eyes as dark as night. But she has my smile."

"How old is she?" He shook his head and took a step forward. The Queen took a step back.

"That's not an easy question to answer, I'm afraid."

"I've lost count of the years outside of Wonderland, but I know you should be much older."

"There was a curse. We were under a spell. For twenty-eight years."

"A curse? What kind of curse?"

"It doesn't matter."

"How old is she?"

"Eleven. Give or take twenty-eight years."

"A child?"

"Yes." He nodded and moved forward again, but she allowed him to approach her this time. "She's a child without a mother."

She pressed her hand against his cheek. He could only feel the leather of the glove and the subtle heat from her hand. He wanted to feel her skin again, to taste her lips and look into her eyes. He wanted to know if she was still Alice. Or if the lack of a heart and the loss of her head had really twisted her into something dark.

"Your eyes," she said, though her voice still lacked any genuine warmth. "I've never seen such sad eyes."

"I've had a lot to be sad about," he explained.

She flinched when he moved his hands toward the veil. She went stiff and began to breathe faster. He wasn't sure what to expect when he lifted it. An unfamiliar face, an older Alice. Maybe scars that marked the years or something entirely different. But when the veil was up and nothing was blocking her from view, he shook his head and took a deep breath.

"Remarkable," he breathed. "You haven't changed at all. Not even a little."

"Wonderland has changed, and so have I," she told him. Wonderland changed, of course, but it changed because of her. Her skin and hair were pale white, and her lips were deep, bloody scarlet. But otherwise, she looked exactly as she always had.

"I didn't know, Alice. I didn't know you were still alive, or I never would have left you here. I would have come back for you." His voice caught in his throat, and tears filled his eyes. "I should have anyway." She lifted her hand again, examining the features of his face. Her thumb traced over his lips as if trying to recall the feel of them.

"It's what I wanted," she told him. "I wanted you to take her from this place and keep her safe. One parent was better than none. Which is why you have to go now and never come back. Not until I make this place safe for her."

"I can't do that. I won't leave you again. We made a promise."

"We can't both go through. And I'm no longer who you think I am. Sometimes I wish I still was. But it's better this way."

He shook his head and held her hand in his. Then he slowly peeled the glove from her fingers, exposing her skin. He ran his fingers over the marks the restricting glove imprinted on her.

"What happened to you, Alice?" he whispered.

"First, she took my head, and then she took my heart. Then I belonged to her."

"The Queen of Hearts? But she's gone."

"She took my heart with her to the Enchanted Forest. My guards, my subjects. She took their hearts too. I don't know how to put them back. They turn their loyalty into what they fear the most."

"The Jabberwock." She nodded.

"The ones loyal to the Red Queen will have you killed. Or worse. They'll let the Jabberwock take you. Wonderland will not yield to me until I've fulfilled my duty of piercing her heart and slaying the Jabberwock."

He reached up and touched the skin on her face now. She was so pale, and there were dark circles around her eyes. The only color on her at all was the dark red of her lips. But she was still Alice. A pretty white bird in a pretty white cage. He had to set her free.

"I didn't think I'd have to do this on my own," he admitted. "I thought I would send you back through and never see you or Grace again. That's how it was supposed to be." She shook her head.

"That was your plan. Not mine."

"You planned to get trapped here?"

"I knew you would try and send me home without you. Long before you made an attempt."

"You didn't want to be with her?"

"Of course I wanted to be with her, but I had a stronger chance of surviving here on my own. My life is proof of that. You never knew this land like I did. You wouldn't have lasted long enough for me to get you back. I was valuable to the Queen of Hearts. You were not."

"She had our daughter ripped out of you." She pinched her lips. "Come home with me now, Alice. To us." She shook her head again.

"I'm bound to this place. I always have been. If I leave now, the Red Queen will regain control, and this world will fall. Only one of us can go back. Grace has you like she always has. I'm a heartless stranger who can't even love her. I'm more useful to her here."

"She'll get to know you. We'll find a way. We can make things work. I have a way back into Wonderland now. We promised."

"A way back into Wonderland," she said slowly, looking away as if thinking deeply. "And a curse." He shook his head. "You shouldn't be here. The Red Queen has loyalists in my court and a spy in the sky. I'll have broken our agreement if she finds out I let a trespasser slip away. I can live here knowing that both of you are in another land. That you're happy."

"Happy?" He shook his head and laughed without humor. "You think I'm happy? My house is being overtaken by white roses. My dreams. My thoughts. I think you were always meant to be there. This isn't your place."

"This was always my place," she told him. "I was always meant to be here. But if I regain control of this land and Wonderland awakens again, I will make it a better place for her. So you can both come here where you belong. But I cannot risk either of you to them until the Red Queen no longer has a hold of this land, until the Jabberwock is slain, and I can return my people's hearts."

He finally did what he'd longed to do since he first saw her face beneath the veil. He leaned down and pressed his lips against hers. It was a soft, gentle kiss, but it distracted her long enough so that she wouldn't notice his hands move to her shoulders. Or that he'd taken another step forward, urging her toward the portal just behind her back.

"All those years ago," he said when he pulled away and brushed his nose against hers. "When we found out we were going to have Grace—I planned to push you through the portal so you could raise her without me. I didn't care what it would mean for Wonderland or me. I planned to do it because I knew it was right."

"I know you believed that," she whispered.

He took a deep breath and hoped they'd someday find a way to make this work. He didn't want to lose Grace or think he might never see her again, but he was just setting things right. He had to protect his family. And now that just meant getting Alice back to her heart and their daughter. If Alice was truly bound to Wonderland, she'd find her way back to him. He just had to live long enough to see her return.

"I've loved you all this time, Just Alice," he told her, knowing that without a heart, she couldn't love him back. So he didn't expect a reply. He gently gripped her arms and moved her back. "Make sure she knows I love her. I did this for her. You'll understand someday."

"What are you doing?" she snapped. Her fingers gripped the front of his coat, but it was already too late. He gave her one forceful shove, and the portal swallowed her whole.