Your God, Own Martyr

call this trial by purification by fire

It’s dark. You walk through the cathedral silently. You don’t know when it started to feel like dragging yourself to hell. You touch the pews as you walk. You look at the stained glass windows but you’re just recanting shadows. The darkness pulls at you. Gold is bronze to rust. The stained marble is cracked. It smells bitter. Copper. It feels like crawling to puke your immorality. You know self-indulgence to be a sin, but you lost your saint.

And I know.

I know, Angel.

Your corona is heavy. It hangs.

You want my fingers between your teeth. You want my name like a prayer. You want a hymn. You want heaven on earth. You want to feel the fire of cruelty. You want to choke your confession with my hands around your throat. You want to feel divine. And you want redemption, but you won’t find it in me. You know this. You know that I’m not your savior. Just like I know you’ve lost your wings.

I know you’ve fallen so far.

Maybe one day, you’ll repent. You’ll crack your knees on the stone steps. You’ll bleed for forgiveness. To feel holy again.

But today, you drop your gold crucifix at my feet like it burns. The amulet rings on the marble. Your fingers are long and cold. Your mouth is bruised. Your wrists are small. You look at me and it’s biblical. You hold your stomach like you’re sick. And when I kiss you, you cry. You’re a weeping statue. I taste your salt. Your holy blood. And it will be your eternal sin when you drag your feet forward to beg me for more on the altar. I hold your hands together against your chest. It seems so poignant. You wonder when your halo became a crown of thorns. Yet you implore.

I will tear you open. I will ruin you. I will teach you what damnation tastes like. I will take your sanctity. And you’ll beg me to keep going. You’ll be born-again in this destruction. You will breathe his name in vain. Exactly how your mother told you to never. It will feel like silver lead in your mouth. It’ll blister. You’ll kiss and you’ll swallow. I will be everything you desired and everything you feared.

This is not your repentance. I am not your atonement.

You’ll believe in God when I see him.