Set Sail

Being home is weird. I know I’ve already expressed this but like, it’s just weird. And I don’t know why it’s weird either. Well. That’s not entirely the truth. I have some ideas in mind:

1) We’re not all friends anymore. Which is the biggest and most important thing honestly. I’m not going to lie and pretend like I enjoy the fact that the people that I considered to be my bestest friends are now a jumbled, scattered mess and in a way, we all had a part to play. Georgia and I used to be so close – we were like sisters, and now we don’t even talk. We haven’t talked in months. I used to cry about that, but I’m okay with it now. I think.

Mick and I are okay, thank god – I don’t know what I would have done without both Mick and Georgia in my life. Even though I went to Melbourne for uni and he stayed at home, we made sure to text constantly and have Skype dates and I came home during the holidays and he visited me. Hence the disastrous situation with my roommate, Denise. It’s funny to think that four years ago, I had the idea that I was in love with him, but now knowing what love actually feels like, I know that what I felt for Mick was a crush. A blind, oblivious, I fell for my best friend kind of love because well let’s face it, he’s hot as hell. I still refuse to admit that to his face because I know he’ll never let me live it down. Sometimes it’s hard having attractive friends.

James and I are okay too. It’s weird, but we’re actually closer than what we used to be when we lived in the same place. I guess having a best friend in the army makes you appreciate the people in your life so much more, and because I was constantly unsure on you know, the legit status of my friend’s life, I made a consistent effort to keep in touch with him as much as I could. I didn’t care if I was being too much or overbearing. James knows I worry way too much so you know, it’s all good. Plus, I think he secretly likes being babied, so there we go. It works out.

Colton and I are a weird one. Ever since the thing with Georgia happened, it surprised the both of us when I chose his side over hers. We’re still friendly and our friendship is solid, but since he’s joined the big time circuit of the DJ life, he’s also become a bit…much. Out there. Outgoing. Which isn’t a bad thing by any means, but I guess we all thought that Georgia would be the one to bring it out in him, rather than him bringing it out on his own accord. He produced a hit that made it to mainstream radio and ever since then, he’s been obsessed with the idea of fame and whatnot. I never thought Colton would turn out like that – out of everyone in our group, I would’ve guessed Mick or James – but to know that it was Colton surprised me the most. I guess it kind of shows that you don’t really know people as much as you think you do.

2) Josh. The gist of our story goes like this: we met in high school, overcame some internalised homophobia on Mick’s behalf, started our flirty and after some immaturity on both of our behalf, got through it and started dating. Despite Mick’s assholery, he was the one who told Josh to apply for schools in Melbourne so someone could look out for his girl. In any other case, you’d think it was creepy or being too protective, but I knew that Mick knew that although I was excited about moving to a new state, I was nervous too at the prospect of not knowing anyone and having a complete cultural and sociological area shift. It was a great comfort knowing that Josh and I would be living in the same state, and it still did honestly. I guess what I didn’t expect with our move to Melbourne was that while trying to keep our relationship active, we were busy adjusting to a new life with new friends, a new city and uni, and I think we just struggled trying to combine both aspects of our lives together. Looking back, I think I definitely made it harder for myself than I needed to, and we ended up breaking up because the people we were becoming and the lives we had established for ourselves no longer necessarily ‘needed’ another person, you know? It was like we were figuring out how to be ourselves without the other person. It wasn’t right. But it wasn’t wrong either. Altogether we were together for like, two years I want to say? And we’ve been broken up for about a year. When we broke up, it didn’t feel like much of a breakup because even though I still loved him, it had felt kind of done for a while. Which wasn’t good. It isn’t good, really. Since then, I’ve dated someone else and Josh moved to Canberra for a bit which helped our relationship in the sense that we no longer had that awkward run ins when we went out or our friends hung out together (which didn’t happen often, thank god) and yes, trust me to make it awkward 9/10 times because hello, it’s me Nat Fader after all. I am so not the queen of coolness. James is, though. I should ask him on lessons of how to be smooth because that is not a word I identify with in my vocabulary.

3) Figure out my next career move. At the moment, I work in a gallery in Melbourne, finding artists to feature in our galleries. We host fancy wine parties as they showcase their work and while I’m totally proud of the new, emerging artists I’ve helped find, it makes me wish I had the balls to show the owner, Anna, my own work. Portraits are still my main art form, but nothing makes me happier than painting. I earn money on the side by commissioning my work, but to actually draw interest is hard to come by. At least in Darwin, anyways. Melbourne it’s a lot easier because it’s such a culturally artistic environment, but when everyone (it feels like) is competing to do the same or similar work to you, it’s hard to make yourself stand out. It’s hard with a career like art to pursue something that’s going to make you live comfortably, as that isn’t easy to do, but that’s why I work with the gallery. There’s something exciting about finding new talent and scoping out artists. It kinda makes me feel like I have all this power, power that I can put to good use and start up someone else’s career. The hours are kind of long but it’s worth it when you have sold out exhibitions for artists with such beautiful work and are so humble and occasionally attractive. I’m not sure why, but I’ve always had a thing for artists.

4) My parents. They tried couples’ counselling after I graduated but they soon realised that what they wanted out of life were different (at least, that’s what they told me) and mum moved to Brisbane for work while Dad stayed at home. Mum’s met someone there, his name is Andrew and he has three kids and they’re not going to get married, but the kids treat her like she’s their mum and she’s cool with that. They’ve been together for about two years now. I like Andrew, he’s mellowed her out a lot but he’ll never replace my dad, you know? I get the feeling Dad’s kind of lonely, but he’s been hanging out with Jackie – James’ mum – a lot lately and he seems happy. Dad is pretty chill and dorky and needs someone cool but firm like Jackie to put him in his place but also sit on the couch for hours on end. It’s pretty easy to please my dad. Which, thank god, because he didn’t mind too much about me pursuing art.

The thing about being home is that it reminds me of all these differences in what life used to be like in high school to what it is now. If someone had told me that (cue Friends reference) life was going to be this way, I wouldn’t have believed them, not in a million years. Sure, there’s adult things to work out like what I’m going to do to support myself and where I’m going to live and stuff, but the friends you keep are the most important in your life – essentially, the people that keep you sane. So to know that your support system isn’t there – all there, like you want them to is kind of a bummer. Like a huge major bummer. I guess I’ll have to deal with it in any way that I can, so.

The plan for today is: get my lazy ass finally out of bed, shower because even though I showered last night, it’s hot as hell and I just so happened to sweat during the night (super attractive of me, I know), and then pick out something cute to wear and drive myself into Darwin to sign three artists. Anna has already decided she likes their work, so it’s up to me to sign them and get them to send it down so we can work out some sort of exhibition if they have enough pieces, or even just one or two to hang up in our gallery or neighbouring ones. The art culture society is so friendly and close – we regularly send through artists we think will like certain pieces or suit their place more than ours. It’s all about – to an extent – bringing awareness to their art forms and making a sale. Sales are what keep galleries alive.

I’m in the shower singing along to one of my all-time favourite happy songs when I hear my phone start ringing and my god, what idiot has decided to call me during my shower? I pick up in case it’s Anna, since the number isn’t one I recognise.

“Hello?”

“Nat?”

“Colton?” I hear some strange machinery type sounds in the background, but I can’t discern what it is. “Why are you calling me from a different number?”

“My personal phone died so I had to call off my work one,” he explains. “Can you pick me up?”

“From?”

“The airport?”

I groan. “I’m still showering at home. Can’t you catch an Uber or something?”

Colton falls silent. “That’s fine,” he says quietly. “I’ll talk to you later.”

Before I can ask what the f’s with his attitude (despite the fact that we haven’t seen each other in a few months and all), he hangs up and I’m left staring at my phone in disbelief because what the fuck? Was that?

With a sigh, I climb back into my shower again and I’m singing along to a rap song when my phone goes off again.

“For fuck’s sake,” I grumble into the phone. “Colton, I said can you catch an uber?”

“Fader?”

Oh shit. This isn’t Colton. “Josh?”

I haven’t heard from Josh in months. After we broke up, we tried to keep in contact but it felt kind of awkward considering our history, so we let some time pass and then when we started talking again, I began dating somebody else. It didn’t take long for us to go no contact – unintentionally – again.

“Where are you?”

I’m not really sure how to answer, since it’s been so long since we’ve talked, but I figure honesty is the best policy. “Well, I was supposed to be showering but Colton called and then you did so here we are. At home, though.”

“Home in Melbourne or?”

“NT,” I confirm. “What’s up?”

“I’m also at my NT home but I need a ride into the city for work related stuff and I heard from James that you were going into town, so…?”

I laugh, knowing exactly what he’s hinting at. “I can pick you up in thirty if you let me shower.”

“As always, miss Feisty Fader,” he says and I can’t help but smile at how he calls me that. “See you soon.”

What a day this is going to turn out to be.



When I beep my horn outside Josh’s house, I’m suddenly nervous, not prepared for the jolt of nerves when a figure approaches my car and slides into the passenger seat.

“Natalie,” Josh greets me in that cool, casual way of his. “It’s been a while.”

“Uh huh,” I try to say but it comes out like a squeak and oh my god what is happening to me? Okay. Let’s think about this rationally. I haven’t seen Josh in what, over a year? And I’m so very glad that we stopped talking when he did because oh my lord he is still as fine as he was when we first met and now that I’m single, I can’t help but appreciate the man that is Josh Carey.

But it annoys me slightly that after all this time; he still takes my breath away.

“How have you been?” I ask and it is in this moment I thank the lord that my voice comes out an even pitch. And that I look cute today. Of course I had to dress smart, since I had work things to do but also seeing Josh and you know that despite whatever relationship you hold with an ex, you always have to look hot. I’m not too fond of my legs so they’re covered by a denim skirt that hits just above my knees and an off the shoulder top that does a good job of accentuating my shoulders. Plus I know that Josh has a thing for me in off the shoulder tops (he thinks I look mega babalicious in them, and part of me can’t help but agree) so naturally, I had to wear it. Though I hope he doesn’t think that I just wore it for him because you know, I’m completely over him so I don’t care in what he thinks of me. At all. Not even a little.

Okay. I know that I’m lying to myself, but I force myself to focus on driving and maintaining some sort of conversation with Josh so that he doesn’t think that I’m uncomfortable with his presence.

Even though his presence and the way he smells – oh my god – is bringing back old memories of when he’d leave in the morning after spending the night at mine and he’d put on cologne and of course his mere smell would make me (like I had no choice in the matter) (because how do you resist Josh Carey, honestly) pull him back to bed for a quick round. So with all of this in mind, it’s becoming hard to not feel certain things because of the way he’s smelling and after taking a quick peek at him, he’s wearing black work pants and a shirt that’s rolled up at the sleeves, highlighting the fact that he goes to gym more regularly now and you can definitely tell with the way his muscles just hug the shirt he’s wearing and okay Fader, your eyes need to focus on the road now.

“Can’t help checking me out, huh?” Josh says. I try very hard to stop myself from blushing, but as always, my damn pale face gives it away. “Good to know old habits never die.”

I snort. “I checked you out as much as you checked me out when you got into the car.”

Okay, so I hadn’t actually seen him check me out but I swear I saw a casual look over my outfit and I’m pleased to find that it’s Josh who’s now blushing. Ha. What a nice change. I’m also totally not pleased that Josh checked me out, of course.

“I’m good,” Josh replies. I can tell he’s keen on wanting to change the subject, by the way I see his eyes avoiding mine out of the corner of my eye. I must be overwhelming him with my shoulders and all. “Work’s been steady, but I’m ready to move back home or at least, somewhere out of Canberra. It’s too quiet.”

I nod. “Yeah, I get you. Plus you’re so far away from everyone else.”

Josh hums in reply. “So where are you based now?”

“Melbourne at the moment, but I think I could be persuaded to move to Brisbane.” I had no desire to move home – even though I did miss my dad – but from the times I visited the gang over the years, I liked how easy going the city was, their chilled and laidback approach to life while conveniently being near the beach was something I liked. Melbourne was fun and different for sure, but there were times I wished I was closer to my friends, or at least the ones I was still friends with. “I mean, I have my job in Melbourne and it allows me to travel so that’s nice, but I feel like I could be doing more, y’know?”

I forget how easy it is to talk to Josh. It’s nice. “I feel that. I’m actually going for a job interview, so hopefully it works out.”

“Is it based in Darwin?”

“If I want to work from the office, yeah, but I can also work from home if I choose so that’s alright.”

“I hope you get it,” I say sincerely, giving him a glance while I stop at a red light. “No one’s worked harder than you.”

Josh smiles. “Thanks babe.”

Babe. It’s such a casual word and Josh used to say it all the time when we were together and at the time I found it endearing and now when I look at him, I’m feeling other things that I really should not be feeling and why is the car hot all of a sudden?

And why is a word turning me on jesus Christ I need a drink. Or maybe a shopping trip. Yes. I need a new pair of shoes. Maybe white sneakers, because you can never have too many white sneakers…right?

“Looks like we’re here?” I say as I pull up to some big ol’ fancy building that I don’t recognise at all. “Uh, according to G-Maps anyways. I have a few people to meet so text me when you’re done and I’ll send you my location. I mean, if you wanna travel back with me. Oh! And good luck, but you won’t need it – I know you’re so gonna ace this.”

Josh smiles. It’s the kind that makes my insides flutter and ugh, I honestly thought we were past this.

“I’ll see you later Fader.” And before I can protest, he leans in to give me a kiss on the cheek like we’ve been seeing each other every day and gets out of my car. He’s acting like things are back to normal. I mean, normal in the sense that we’re together. Which we’re not. I just broke it off with someone a month ago. I’m a newly single woman who’s in no desire to be in another relationship. And besides, I haven’t seen Josh for a year and he thinks he can just kiss me on the cheek? Despite the fact that I totally enjoyed it and don’t really want to openly admit it?

God. I need to distract myself. Cool air. The air conditioner. Cold showers. Yep. I’m fine.



Meeting with the artists take significantly less time than planned. Thankfully they’re all eager to sign and send their art away, making my job hella easier. Josh still hasn’t messaged despite being in the interview for an hour so I take this time to go shopping, specifically to find something for James’ BBQ because with who’s coming, I want to look my best. The last thing I want to do is embarrass myself in front of former friends or er, ex-lovers. On that note, I should probably avoid wearing white.

I end up picking a top that’s tight and cropped and not usually in my flowy basic style, but I’ve been really feeling how my body looks in crop tops lately and I figure why not. Also living in Melbourne can definitely have an effect on your wardrobe like it did mine and lord help because all I wear is black and I swear there was a time where I leaned towards other colours instead. Like uh, muted greys and greens.

Okay, so I’ve always been plain. Sue me.

I’m trying on a pair of muted pink heels (look at me, branching out!) when I get a text from Josh asking where I am, so I send him my location. I know that I’ve just seen him but that doesn’t stop the fluttering in my stomach just thinking about being with him that’s not in a car. Because now I can reach out and touch him – if I wanted to.

The thought drives me to purchase the heels and two pairs of white sneakers that I’m absolutely certain I needed.

Sometime later, Josh catches me as I’m leaving another shoe store and when he recognises the names of the bags I’m holding, his face breaks out into a cheeky grin. The kind that makes me want to slap and kiss him simultaneously.

“How many?” Is all that Josh has to say before my face heats up.

“That’s none of your business,” I huff, walking past Josh so he doesn’t notice that I have purchased three pairs. Three. Who needs that many shoes? I certainly don’t.

“So what you’re saying is that after not seeing me for about a year, you’re not affected by my presence at all?” He raises a brow. “And that’s why you bought three pairs of shoes?”

When we were dating, I’d find myself going shopping before or after hanging out with Josh. It was a way to divert er, certain frustrations because I’d be focused on something else other than him. And I couldn’t go regular shopping because that would just lead to buying underwear or something cute so that when Josh saw me in it, he’d react in a certain way (as he did almost every time I saw him) so for some reason, my brain saw that buying shoes was a safe option. It’s been my alternative to cold showers if I can’t access a cold shower since.

I stop in my tracks to glare at Josh. “Excuse me, I am perfectly fine, thank you very much. I bought some heels for James’ BBQ and two pairs of sneakers because they were sorely lacking from my collection. To think that I bought them for any other reason is just absurd.”

Josh snorts and steps close to me, gently opening the bag that holds the sneakers inside and peeks in. “Two pairs, huh? Can I see?”

I pull the bag away from him. “No. Can we go now? I have things to do.”

“Like yourself?”

My mouth drops. “Josh!”

I mean, he has a point, but I’m certainly not going to tell him that.

“If you must know, I need to check in with James if he wants anything for his party. And talk to Dad. Uh. And work stuff. Work stuff! Yes. How’d your interview go?” Another note to self: have a serious conversation with James on how to be less of a stuttering mumbling loser who is so not smooth because clearly being in Melbourne did not help you do shit.

Josh throws an arm around my shoulders. I think he thinks that I’m going to freak out or something because he’s touching me, but honestly, my shoulders are my safe spot. If he were to move his hands onto my waist or hips, that’d be a different story.

Besides, he’s the one who has a thing for my shoulders. Not me.

“It went pretty good, I’m pretty sure I have it in the bag…and are you trying to distract me, Fader?”

I turn my head to look at him and it’s only apparent to me know how close our heads actually. Goddamn, he looks so cute and kissable and Nat, focus! “Yes, Carey,” I mimic but I can’t help but let my voice fall to a whisper because there’s a certain way that Josh is looking at me and oh my God I need to leave, I need to move and yet I know that I’ll have to physically force myself to leave because I’m not ready to be completely honest with myself yet. About how I’ve been thinking about Josh these past few months when he was away in Canberra – thinking about him even when I was seeing someone. Granted, my thoughts were mostly sexual but they were still there, and oh God yep okay I’m turning away but if I’m supposed to be turning why is his head moving towards mine and why am I not doing anything about this?

“We should go,” I blurt out suddenly. I can’t do with this sudden increasing tension between us. I need to cool it.

Josh nods slowly. “Are you sure you want to?”

I know what he’s asking and I don’t want to answer it, but I want to be honest with him, if anything. “Just because I said we should go, it doesn’t mean that I’m saying I want to go.”

Ugh, I just ended up being a lot more honest than I intended to but I can see that Josh doesn’t mind at all. He’s grinning from ear to ear and ugh, I can already predict that it’s only a matter of time when I’m in his arms. Naked. Again.

Motherfuckin’ Josh Carey, I swear to God.