Bury Me

“Dude. You suck at lying. You always have, Ax. You’re eyes probably look like a deer in head lights right now.” Jared teases and even though I know he’s kidding around with me, I also know his joking mannerism is a cover up for the worry he’s feeling inside. “I feel like somethings up with her or she’s not telling me something…Axelle, be honest with me. Do I need to be worried?” Frustration replaces his once worried tone. I know he’s upset by my ‘lack of knowledge’ but Willow is not just his girlfriend but also one of my best friends and I can’t get involved with their relationship anymore even if I do want to tell him to pull his head out of his ass and tell her that I think she has a lot of soul searching to do. Maybe, just maybe, she wasn’t ready for this huge of a commitment. I don’t think she fully understood what she was stepping into. She was only eighteen when she first met Jared.

I take in a deep breath as I reach the coffee shop. I look through the large glass window to see Willow sitting at the other side of the shop with her back facing me, her shoulders are slumped and her head is leaning on the glass window. I lean against the concrete wall and continue my conversation with Jared. A few more moments won’t hurt her.

“I’m not getting in between your guys relationship, dude. No more. It always back fires on me and it’s mostly you not being able to keep your mouth shut, Jare. So no I’m not going to tell you what’s going on because I know Willow will tell you when she is damn well ready.” Out of habit I roll my eyes even though I know he can’t see me. “I will tell you that her dad visited last week and you know, that shit never ends well. You’re smart enough to know that he fills her with self-doubt, tramples on her feelings and gives a huge ‘fuck you’ to your two’s relationship.”

He loudly sighs. I know his frustration is getting the best of him. I know that he hates not being here to comfort Willow when she needs it the most. “I don’t understand why she lets him say mean things to her. I wish he’d say shit like that in front of me. I’d end him.”

“I’m sure that would make your girlfriend so damn happy.” I sarcastically say. “Do you even think before you speak sometimes?” I quietly laugh.

I can hear the smile in his voice as he speaks up again. “Just give her a big hug for me and remind her I love her.”

I push through the glass door and I’m greeted by soft jazz music and your everyday hipsters sitting at their tables typing on their computers and playing with their IPhones. I pause for a second and inhale the delicious scents filling the café. I need an IV full of caffeine to put up with the trials of Jared and Willow. “So you guys can’t make it to graduation?” I try my hardest to make it sounds as a question but I already know that they can’t make it to another important event…again. “I know she’s pretty bummed about that too. Don’t get me wrong I’m mad too but I’ll get over it. I don’t know if Willow will though. It’s another huge event in her life that you aren’t going to be there for.”
He scoffs at my response. “I’m always there for Willow. I’ve never missed-”

“What about her birthday last year…Her poetry reading back in January, and her cousins wedding in July? Do I really need to continue, because I have a list of things that YOU have missed that she looked forward to?”

“I was in Peru on her birthday. I tried to get her to come and she wouldn’t.” His voice is defensive. He knows he’s in the wrong but he’s trying to play it off.

“Whatever, J, this is your two’s mess. I’m just here trying to keep both of you fucking sane and it’s exhausting.” I take in a deep breath. “I gotta go. I’m uh.” I glance at Willow in the corner of the room. “I’m meeting with one of my professors.” I lie. “Just find a way to be here for graduation and I think things will be fine with you two.”

“I’m doing my best. I’m trying to move some shows around. Just keep it on the DL. I don’t want Willow to get crushed if I can’t make it.”

“Right. Take care Jared. I’ll talk to you later.” I click my phone off and put it in my back pocket as I make my way over to Willow. “Hey. Sorry I’m a little late.” I sit in the seat across from her.
She nods her head and looks back at me with a look I haven’t seen in years. She’s there but she’s not mentally there. “It’s ok.” She pushes the coffee towards me.

“Have you slept today?” I glance at the clock on the wall that reads 4pm. Of course she’s slept today, but she looks incredibly tired and defeated. I want to smother her in hugs and love but I know that she will shrug me off, because that’s just what she does.

If it were anybody else with this mood, I wouldn’t be surprised but I’ve gotten used to Jared and Willow being my annoyingly positive friends. I’m a little caught off guard by the woman sitting in front of me. She was never like this when Jared was around. It worried me that maybe Willow was being too co-dependent on Jared for her emotional stability after all he had been around most of her adult life.
“I miss my mom.” She quietly says.
I feel a rush of sadness run down my spine. Willow didn’t often speak about her mother but when she did, it meant that she was in a dark place. In three years she had only spoken about her mother a handful of times. I gently grab her hand from across the table. Her eyes gently land on mine and I can clearly see the pain resting on her features. “It’s ok to miss her.” I remind, but I know no matter what I say Willow has already made up her mind and turned off the voice of reason switch. “What’s going on? Talk to me.”
She shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know. I’m just having a bad day. I just keep feeling this pressure on my chest like my ribs are going to cave in and I’m going to choke on my words.” Her eyes start to glass over. She quickly wipes them not wanting me to see. “I’m almost graduated and I still feel this weird emptiness inside.”

I’m prepared for the worst but I continue to listen. She starts to nervously bounce he leg and I know that she’s desperately trying to tell me something that isn’t coming out the way she wants it to.

“And Jared.”

There it is.

“I think he’d be happier without me…” She swallows hard like she can barely stomach the words that just came out of her mouth. “I can’t do this. I’m starting to resent him. I get angry every time I see his face. I took his caller ID picture off and changed my phone screen so I wouldn’t have to keep seeing him.”

I feel my heart drop to my stomach. I knew she’d been down the last couple of days but I had no idea how bad she was feeling. I automatically feel guilty now that I’m putting two and two together. She more than likely had been lying to me the last week when she told me that she was visiting her cousin for ‘vacation’ she was intentionally skipping school and completely isolating herself.

“Dude…fuck.” I stand up and walk over to her side of the booth. I slowly squeeze in and wrap my arm around her pulling her close to me. “That’s not true and you know that. Jared is not better off without you. I promise you that.”

She lets out a soft sigh and wipes the tears from her face. “I’m not cut out for this lifestyle.” Her phone buzzes on the table. She’s hesitant to pick it up and when she does she mutes Jared’s ‘I love you’ text message. “I’m going to New York. I’ve started separating out our things at the house and it’s not like I have a lot of things there. I have clothes…most of these things are Jared’s. The more that I looked around the more I realized this is his house and his world. I just exist in it because he wants me too, but, nothing has ever really been my choice.”

I lightly pat her back. “Well, I can see it’s going to be one of those nights…and you know who always makes those nights better?” She raises her eyebrows at me and that look of worry on her face makes this all worth it. “Mister Ben and Jerry…maybe a little bit of Jack too. So now the question is, your house or mine?”

She smiles at me. “Mine. I got my car. I’ll meet you back Jared’s house.”