It Cannot Get Any Worse

Darrin ran through the woods and ditched the gun in a pool of muddy water after wiping off any prints as best he could. He removed the clip to dump elsewhere. He ripped off his blood soaked jacket and his hat and dumped them as he ran. Eventually he slowed to a walk and began to think of a story in case he was caught. His remaining clothing was still covered in Bobby’s blood, especially his jeans. He had to think of something.

The woods ended suddenly. Darrin reached a cleared back yard and stopped. The sliding glass doorway was open with just a screen over the opening. There was no sign of anyone around the house. Darrin slipped across the yard and carefully slid the screen open. He froze and listened. Maybe he should have held on to the gun for a while.

There was no sound. Darrin looked around the house. There was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen island. He took a banana and peeled it. He wandered upstairs eating the banana and found the master bedroom. In the closet, he found some suits and dress shirts. He tried on a pair of pants. They were absurdly large, the owner must be 400 pounds. Darrin had no choice, he could not wear the blood soaked jeans and walk around where he might be seen. His belt would hold up the giant pants, but they looked silly, like something a clown would wear. Darrin tried to put on a giant shirt to cover the blood stained polo he had worn all day, but the shirt was so big, it literally fell off of him. He found a laundry chute in the bathroom, and shoved his bloody jeans inside. They would be noticed, but it might be a few days. By the looks of the house, this family was not obsessive about housekeeping.

Darrin crept downstairs and took another banana. He would need to go out the front to get to the road. Traipsing through the woods was stupid. It was slow and you were obviously trying to hide, plus you might get lost. Darrin knew better. He would walk right down the road in his absurd clown pants and if he was confident enough, no one would question what he was doing, although they might be discussing at church tomorrow the guy they saw wearing giant pants on whatever road this was.

Darrin went into the living room tried to edge the curtains back to look out the window. He froze stock still when he heard some grunting and groaning from behind him. He had ditched the gun too soon, still there were knives in the kitchen. Darrin turned back towards the sound and saw a closed door. The grunting was coming from there. Darrin froze again as the front door opened. A voice yelled “hurry up, get out here, it is almost over” the front door immediately closed again, but a voice behind the door in front of him responded “Those rancid Ho Hos from the gas station gave me the shits. I am not going to be able to do this, you will have to do the routine without me.”

Darrin looked round the room for a weapon. Nothing but furniture and a big pile of pink fluff splayed over the couch. Whomever was in the bathroom was not going to be coming out anytime soon from the sound of things. Darrin crept to the front door, maybe he could sneak out, clown pants and all.

Just before he reached the front door, the door burst open. A giant purple dinosaur nearly knocked him over as it rushed into he room. “There you are. Suit up, we are way late.” the Dinosaur snapped at Darrin. “Move, move, move, move!”

“Here let me help you,” a very large middle aged woman shoved her way into the room and picked up the pile of pink fluff and held it up for him. A ridiculously fat man followed her. “Look you need to get going if you want a tip, these kids are getting bored.”

Darrin gaped. The woman was holding up a pink fuzzy bunny suit with giant head and three foot blue ears. She was trying to push it onto him. Darrin could not move, he just gaped in stunned silence. Darrin had no idea what to do here. The giant purple dinosaur started pushing the bunny suit onto him from the other side. Darrin had just decided the could and would simply kill all these people with his bare hands when the giant purple dinosaur plopped the bunny head with huge blue ears over Darrin's head and shoved him through the front door into a yard full of children. The Dinosaur yelled in a high pitched voice “IIIIIIItttts Barrrrney and Bunnnnnnnnny!!” Some music started and the dinosaur began to dance around like an idiot.

Darrin was just getting past, “This cannot possibly be real, this is not happening” when the big dinosaur started bumping up against him as he danced around. Every time he hit Darrin he muttered “Dance – do the routine” Darrin stood there in his pink fuzzy bunny suit in front of a dozen or so staring children and a handful of adults in a state of disbelief and growing anger. Darrin usually did not get angry at anything, but this purple monster was making him mad. There was no plan, hell Darrin did even have any idea what to do. Darrin was panicking. He needed to get out of here. Between Barney bumps, Darrin looked around the yard. There were seven cars crammed into the driveway. Even if he could get a set of keys, it would take forever to get any of those cars out. Near the road, the front lawn was covered with kids bicycles. That was not a practical means of escape, they were all too small. He took a couple of steps off the porch thinking he would just walk or run away, and he was instantly mobbed by kids. Barney bumped him again. Forget unobtrusive, there was no practical way to get out of here. Darrin stumbled over a child clinging to his leg as Barney hit him one more time snarling something about doing the routine.

Darrin snapped. For the first time in his life, Darrin threw caution to the wind. Step one, kill this fucking Barney who kept slamming into him demanding he do some routine. Here is a routine for you Barney! Darrin threw three fast punches, each carefully aimed to seriously injure or kill this asshole. One to break the cartilage in his neck, one to the gut and a third around the back to the kidney. However, Darrin did not anticipate a thickly padded costume. Barney simply jiggled around and kept dancing. The kids screamed and giggled.

Barney slammed Darrin back into the porch, and Darrin stepped up to get away from him. The front door of the house opened and a young guy stepped out. “Hey, what are you doing in my suit?” He yelled.” Darrin knew the time had come to freak out. He had to leave. This had gone too far. Why did he ditch his gun?

Barney was dancing back towards Darrin. Barney glanced at the guy standing in the doorway behind the Pink Fuzzy Bunny and stopped. “What the. . . .?”. . . . Darrin leapt from the porch kicking Barney in the back with both feet. As he landed, the bunny head came off Darrin’s head and hung at his back. Darrin landed on his feet, kicked Barney in the ribs or rather the padding around his ribs and started down the walk toward the road. One of the dads stepped in front of him saying “Hey that is too rough.” and grabbed his arm. Darrin laid the guy out with three rapid punches and kept walking. Someone behind him said “Call 911!” Darrin knew he had to get out of there now. He grabbed the largest looking kid's bicycle and jumped on, pedaling down the street on a child's bicycle in a fucking giant fuzzy pink bunny suit with the giant head hanging off his back. “Good plan Darrin” he said to himself, “Way to be subtle and unnoticed.” He needed Bobby. Bobby would have put an end to that whole party. Darrin had no plan except to put as much distance between him and Barney as he could.

At the end of the road, there was a paved trail running parallel to what appeared to be a major street. Darrin turned onto it in the direction he believed led to the bridge they had come across. He knew the bridge was less than two miles away. He had to get rid of this stupid bunny suit, the over-sized clown pants and blood soaked shirt, find some clothes, ditch the bike, steal a car and get off this island and end this acid trip of a day. Darrin was positive this could not really be happening. It just isn't possible.