You Leave Me With a Dangerous Taste

I went to Alex’s house a day before the actual party happened for obvious reasons. Officially, I was there to help him set everything up; unofficially, I was there to fill the empty space in his bed. In other words, there was less planning and more doing… in his bedroom… or maybe even in his office.

Despite having a great time with Alex and having done this for months now, there was this constant nagging in the back of my mind. I knew that if I was at home, I could be with Jack, receiving something very similar, but from the man I loved. Of course, it couldn’t entirely compare to Alex. Alex was experienced, he knew what to do what to get me going, which was the entire problem in the first place. But Jack-- I started seeing him in a new light.

It got to the point that I started imagining what it would be like with Jack… while I was with Alex. Instead of the man who was actually making me feel unspeakable things, I imagined another who had no clue what he was doing. It got to the point where I nearly moaned out the wrong name. I was only setting up unrealistic expectations for myself.

Only on the Sunday did the nerves really set in. I wasn’t sure whether I was more than nervous that Alex was meeting both my brother and Jack, or if it was the fact that I was going to play in front of a group of people who could very well change my future. Honestly, it felt strange knowing that it was most likely the latter. I was confident, but in the wrong area. The only thought that could keep me remotely calm was that nobody would probably be paying attention to me playing my songs. It was only going to be background music.

Nonetheless, the nerves amplified when Jack and my brother finally arrived. A lot of the guests had arrived a lot earlier--I had actually given Jack a time an hour or so after it actually started so he wouldn’t be the first to come. It was only a good thing, this way there would be less chance of awkward introductions between Jack and Alex.

I first went to greet my brother, my excitement to see him overpowering seeing Jack again after only one day. Immediately, I hugged the even taller, yet also way buffer, man of the two. I could barely wrap my arms around his torso while he had no trouble encircling his around me.

“How’s everything going?” He asked me, ruffling my hair as he started to let go of me.

I gave him a super bright smile back. “Even better now that I get to see you again.”

“I missed you too, Munchkin,” he replied with a similar expression on his face. Although he had brown hair and looked more like my dad, we still had the same smile.

Suddenly, there was a booming voice coming slightly from the side. “Tommy, my man!”

I turned my head to see Zack coincidentally entering the foyer. Despite it already getting colder, he was still wearing shorts and a tank top, which was the opposite of what my brother was wearing. Tom was just one step away from being fully classified as wearing ‘smart-casual’, his jeans replacing the usual pants, but he had the jacket and all. It portrayed their personalities quite nicely, yet they were still best friends.

Tom broke away from me and met Zack in the middle, the two giving each other a bro hug. Zack tried to sweep him away with one swift action, happy to see his best friend again as well. They hadn’t seen each other in a while either. However, before Zack could actually sneakily lead him away, Tom looked back at me for permission. I brushed it off, knowing I would be able to catch up with him later. Jack looked like he needed more assistance. He was completely lost.

When the two men left to the backyard, Jack finally gasped, “this is where you work?”

I nodded, giggling at his amazed look. “It’s quite nice, right?”

“Holy shit,” he breathed out, his wide eyes flickering around, first landing on the large stairs, then the office door, then down one hallway, and finally in the direction of the kitchen and backyard. “We’re going to live like this someday.”

I laughed again, knowing it was highly unlikely but admiring Jack’s ambitiousness. “I’ve gotten kinda used to it by now, but I couldn’t quite grasp how big this place was when I first entered. Would you believe it if I told you there’s an in-home theater just down that hall?”

“No way,” Jack shook his head, not because he didn’t believe me but because it was such an amazing and over-the-top thing to have. “If I worked here, I’d never leave. No wonder you stay here until late in the evenings! It’s like an adult playground.”

Oh, it was a playground, just not the one he was imagining. He was describing it as a fun place to live, so many different rooms and things to do. However, I was having a different kind of fun in many of these rooms.

“It’s not really up to me,” I nudged. Technically it was up to me, but Jack didn’t need to know that.

Eventually, we did end up joining the party. I once again felt like a little girl surrounded by grown-ups who looked down at me. Not only was I literally younger than everybody else, but they had so much power compared to me. I was nothing.

I even lost Jack at one point. One second, I was speaking to him in a small group of people, my brother and Zack amongst them, the next he disappeared. As I looked around and couldn’t see him, my heart started beating faster. I couldn’t see Alex anywhere either, and I was afraid there was some sort of confrontation happening. I hadn’t spoken to Alex ever since Jack and Tom arrived, I felt like he was going to be taking revenge.

So, I excused myself and went inside the house. Although I did work here and was still technically doing my job, I didn’t want to seem like I was snooping around. I left it to just the rooms that were open to the party, but I couldn’t find either there. Maybe they had gone further into the house, but I didn’t need to walk in on that. I wasn’t ready for it.

I opted to go into the kitchen instead, hoping to get some drinks there to show that I indeed had been doing something productive. Some part of me also hoped to find Jack there, but that was too much to ask for. I got Rian standing on the other side of the kitchen island instead. At first, I wanted to turn around and never look back at him, but I knew there was nothing to be afraid of. It could only look suspicious.

I tried to ignore his presence like I would do to anybody else who wasn’t close to me. Not doing anything but acknowledging him, I walked over to the cups and poured myself some sparkling water, picking up some beers from the cooler as well for others. Everything was going alright, until I turned around and saw Rian already staring back at me.

“So… Paisley… How are you?” he asked, starting up a conversation that was very unwanted on my part.

“I’m doing fine.” I nodded, knowing now was the point where I had to return the question. However, I wanted to get out of there as fast as possible, and my feeling seemed to be the right one.

Rian decided it wasn’t time to end it just yet, though. “Is Alex still paying you extra?”

“What?” I frowned although knowing exactly what he was talking about. Not all that long ago, Alex had decided to give me a raise again despite my protests. He insisted and refused my no, saying I couldn’t stop him.

“You know, since you’ve been providing him so many more services than just babysitting,” Rian clarified, but there was something behind his tone of voice.

I just looked at him. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, come on, Paisley,” he sighed, leaning over the counter, “I’m not stupid. You might have been able to trick me at first, but it just didn’t add up.”

My heart dropped. He knew. He knew all along. Playing dumb hadn’t worked for me. “I-- I don’t know what you mean.”

“I remembered Alex’s ‘secret’ exit, he’s told me the story of locking himself out before. I know it was you with him. How you managed to escape and change your clothes that fast, I don’t know, but I know I recognized you and I know it wasn’t a look-a-like.”

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about,” I tried to laugh off despite my heart beating uncontrollably.

“Paisley,” Rian sighed with a shake of his head, “I’m not mocking you. I won’t make it public without your permission. I’m actually really happy for you guys, especially Alex.”

“Happy for him, what?” I really was full of questions, but I couldn’t help it. I was in shock and didn’t know how to react to anything.

“Yeah, after his wife passed away, he had some trouble getting back ‘in the game’. I’m glad he was able to find love again.” He smiled softly to show he really had no ill intentions.

But he didn’t know that his words only caused more panic to bubble inside of me rather than causing it to subside. “Love?”

“Yeah, I can tell from the way he looks at you. He is completely and utterly in love with you.”

I breathed out heavily, a string of swear words running through my mind. I didn’t need this; I didn’t need to deal with this. Sure, I had had my suspicions, but I never really thought his feelings actually went that far. When I agreed to do this, I never wanted it to go this far.

Rian went silent as well before whispering out, “wait… is that not a good thing?”

Before I could answer with even a gesture, the answer came walking in. Jack approached me with a bright smile on his face, sneaking one arm around my waist and kissing my cheek before stealing my water. Now it was Rian’s turn to be shocked, his eyes visibly widening before trying to act natural.

“This place is so big, I got lost,” Jack told me, reminding me why I had been here in the first place. “Luckily, I met that kid you babysit and he helped me find my way back. At first, he was super shy, but when I mentioned I was your friend, he at least pointed the way without saying a word.”

“Yeah, I was looking for you,” I returned his smile as best as I could. What I did not expect was that my gesture set up for him to easily peck me on the lips, solidifying that we were indeed in a relationship.

“And I was just looking for you,” Jack retorted back, noticing the beers I had put on the counter in front of me. “Your brother said you were probably getting drinks, or at least he hoped you were. I see he was right.”

I nodded softly and slid the beers over to him. “Why don’t you bring these back and I’ll come in a bit?”

Jack gave me an ‘okay’ back before trying to get all the bottles and--what used to be--my cup in his hands. Without giving me a second glance, he disappeared through the sliding doors yet again. It was just me with Rian again, and he did not seem all too happy.

“You’re still together with him?!” he whisper-shouted at me, becoming protective of his friend.

I looked back at him, believing it was more than unfair that he was freaking out about his own assumptions. I knew that if I opened my mouth to say anything, to defend myself in any way, I’d lose. Not because I couldn’t think of reasons, but because I knew what I was doing more than wrong. I was lying to the love of my life.

“I’ve got to go and get ready for my performance,” I told him and started making my way back outside like Jack had just done a minute before.

“You can’t just walk away from this,” Rian disapproved and warned me.

But it was exactly what I did. I didn’t see him until it was my turn to go up on stage. He was out in the crowd, watching me from afar. The nerves of performing again were already making me feel light-headed, but now having been confronted by my greatest fear was also playing along. It was making me afraid of Rian, and not just the information he contained.

My nerves were fully engaged when I noticed that Jack and Alex were going to meet for the first time. I knew it was going to happen sometime that afternoon, but I was still hoping to avoid it all together. Jack decided to tag along and help me set up, Alex having the same idea. I could already feel the older man’s glare as we approached. He was able to recognize Jack from the pictures back at our house.

“You must be the man trying to whisk away my babysitter by marrying her,” Alex held out his hand for Jack to shake, using a light and joking tone.

“You must be the man with the adorable son that’s whisking away my girlfriend from me,” Jack joked back, not noticing the irony in Alex’s statement. Alex thought Jack literally was the only thing that was getting in between us.

“You can’t blame me,” Alex gave him infamous smirk, “she’s irresistible, isn’t she?”

Before Alex’s references could escalate any further, I interrupted with my own doubts. “Let’s just hope the crowd thinks the same.”

“You’ll do amazing,” Jack reassured me, cutting Alex to the chase of encouraging me.

“Hmm,” I shrugged, still uncertain. “My music is so different to what has been played the entire time, whether it be other people performing live or through speakers. I’m going to be a buzzkill.”

“Trust me, you’ll be fine,” Alex managed to get out first, putting on a cocky smile when he knew he had beaten Jack this time. “Artists that stand out are more likely to be recognized. Right now, nobody has been paying much attention. Either they’ll notice how different you are and be interested, or they won’t even notice the difference.”

I wasn’t sure which option I liked better. On one hand, I’d be able to hide away again if nobody cared about what I was doing. I didn’t want all the people to be staring at me and judging me for being different. But then again, not being noticed would mean this was for nothing. This could be my big break.

“I should have chosen different songs to play,” I groaned, staring at the grand piano that had been moved here especially for one of my songs. People had been playing all these pop songs, and here I thought I could come in with a song on the piano.

“No, these songs are amazing,” Jack disagrees, this time coming first since only he knew what I was actually going to be playing. “If nobody has the guts to cheer or at least give a half-arsed clap, I’ll be screaming and hollering for you.”

I saw Alex’s jaw tighten. If he wasn’t motivated to get people to acknowledge me before, he definitely was now. I could tell he would do anything to keep Jack from making our relationship more public than needed. But could I blame Alex? He was in love with me. I could only imagine what it must have been like to see me with Jack.

After getting a good luck kiss from Jack and nothing but Alex looking coldly in another direction, I got up on stage. Nobody was paying attention to me as expected, but it only calmed my nerves. I got to take a seat at the piano without feeling too much pressure and I didn’t have to look into the crowd and face Rian any longer.

After taking a deep breath, I decided to start playing. There was nobody out there to tell me when to begin, I felt like a child making noise while they weren’t supposed to do so. And then the actual singing began.

You are the avalanche
One world away
My make believing
While I'm wide awake

Just a trick of light
To bring me back around again
Those wild eyes
A psychedelic silhouette

I never meant to fall for you but
I was buried underneath
And all that I could see was white
My salvation, my my
My salvation, my my

I still heard chattering as I filled in the instrumentals with some ‘oh’s. The attention wasn’t fixated on me just yet. I was still background music.

You are the snowstorm
I'm purified
The darkest fairytale
In the dead of night

Let the band play out
As I'm making my way home again
Glorious we transcend
Into a psychedelic silhouette

However, as I sang the chorus again, I could feel my hands get sweaty and my heart started beating in my throat. I couldn’t even hope to be ignored anymore with how loud and dramatic it had to be. The people watching me already knew something was going to happen when the chords on the piano became more prominent. I dragged out the notes, going up a tone ladder until I hit the perfect note, hearing my own voice through the speakers. It was like I was viewing myself from afar, I was that nervous.

I swear I could hear my voice shake just a little as I had to repeat the chorus yet again, but way quieter and sweeter.

When I played the last chord, I could hear the crowd clap. It wasn’t that polite clap they had done for everybody else, acknowledging that the song had ended. No, this was more directed towards me. I was unsure if it was because of something Alex had done or if it really was all because of me, but I was still afraid to look.

Instead, I took a glance towards Jack and Alex. Jack gave me an excited grin and a small jump as he clapped loudly while Alex gave me a look that made my heart skip a beat and make me squirm both with butterflies and in discomfort.

However, I had to look at everybody for my next song. I got up from the piano and picked up the electric-acoustic guitar Alex had lent out to and set up for me. I was unsure if I had to do or say anything with everybody’s eyes on me. All I knew was that my nerves would make me say stupid things if I didn’t jump straight into the next song. So, I did.

You kept all the things I threw away
A leaf I picked, a birthday card I made
Holding on to memories of you and me
We didn't last a year, well
We're just a box of souvenirs, cause

Maybe I pulled the panic cord
Maybe you were happy, I was bored
Maybe I wanted you to change
Maybe I'm the one to blame

This meant more to you than it did to me
I was full of doubt and you believed
The more that you keep coming over
The more I know it's over, dear
We're just a box of souvenirs

My eyes fell back on Rian and I just noticed the irony of the song I had chosen beforehand. It could have seemed like I had switched songs and applied this one to the situation, but it was like it was fate. Maybe I had chosen this song subconsciously because of my suspicions. As ironic as it was, this song wasn’t written for now, but it fit way too well.

Maybe I pulled the panic cord
Maybe you were happy, I was bored
Maybe I wanted you to change
Maybe I'm the one to blame

Maybe you were just too nice to me
Maybe it took me way too long to leave
Maybe once we felt the same
Maybe I'm the one to blame
Maybe I'm the one to blame

Do Re Mi Fa So La Si Do
That's the way the story goes
Do Re Mi Fa So La Si Do
That's the way the story goes

Maybe I pulled the panic cord
Maybe you were happy, I was bored
Maybe I wanted you to change
Maybe I'm the one to blame

Maybe you were just too nice to me
Maybe it took me way too long to leave
Maybe once we felt the same
Maybe I'm the one to blame
Maybe I'm the one to blame
Maybe I'm the one to blame

I got another moderately loud applause before I slipped off stage only to find Alex had disappeared. It made me wonder if he felt that the song kind of was directed towards what I had found out, if he was now upset or mad at me. Jack, however, couldn’t contain his excitement. He had seen me play many times, but demanded this was the best reaction I had ever gotten.

I didn’t see Alex again until quite a while later. Together with Tom and Jack, I was speaking to some of Alex’s colleagues who were interested in me. Jack was there because he was my personal hype-man, while my brother was more interested in the actual legal side of things. Both were good assets to have.

Alex came in at one point, excusing me and swooping me away. I agreed to come, assuming he needed me to help with William especially since he had disappeared earlier. We even started making our way to his bedroom, where I knew Will had retreated to play by himself while trying to hide away from the chaos. However, I soon found out it wasn’t like that at all.

Much like during his son’s birthday party, Alex pushed me up against a wall and started kissing me. This time, though, there was something that was different. I did not feel like whatever he was trying to do. I went as far to push him away when he didn’t get the hint as I refused to kiss him back.

“The fuck, Alex?” I seethed, looking around me to check if anybody had seen.

“What?” he asked, putting up his oblivious act and giving me a lopsided grin.

“You can’t just do this, not with so many people in your house. Those people including my brother and Jack.” I glared at him, no longer comprehending his reckless behavior.

“Oh, come on, Paisley,” Alex sighed with a shake of his head, “we’ve never been caught before.”

“The hell we haven’t. I’d like to remind you of that time Rian walked in on us.”

“Okay, that was once, but he doesn’t know a thing.” He tried pushing himself on me again, but I stopped it by resisting with my hands against his chest.

“Doesn’t he? Are you sure? Cause I just happened to be confronted by him. We’re just lucky he’s keeping it a secret for your sake. Let me tell you, he sure as hell isn’t doing it for me.” Talking about it only turned the fear into anger. Alex was the only one I could take it out on, and he was the only one that deserved it.

“What?” Alex scoffed, not believing a word I said.

“Yeah, and apparently he was pretty shocked to see that I was still together with Jack, which seems more than strange to me. The only personal thing he knows about me is that I’m engaged to Jack. Why he thought that ended, I don’t know.” Was I accusing Alex of telling Rian something? Yes, yes I was. If Rian was so sure about Alex’s love for me, then it wouldn’t have surprised me if Alex made it look like Jack was out of the picture.

“Okay, so he knows. So what? You said yourself that he’s keeping it a secret. There’s no reason to freak out.”

“Oh, no, there’s more than enough reasons for me to freak out. One being you thinking you can make me sleep with you when my own fiancé is just downstairs and one of your friends knows exactly what will be going down if he sees we both aren’t around. Another one being the fact you just pulled me away from a conversation I was having. You are the one that wanted me to perform to boost my music career, yet you’re also the one that takes me away as soon as something starts happening.”

It almost seemed like he was putting this opportunity just out of reach for me. Like I’d keep coming back for more. I didn’t want to admit it, but there was a possibility that Alex used this as a way to keep me around, giving me false hope, now that he witnessed my relationship with Jack. Maybe he had thought I would come running to him as soon as my career took off, but now he understood just how much Jack was involved.

“Paisley, please,” Alex sighed, his hand on my arm in a desperate and pleading way. “Stop lying to me.”

“Lying to you?” I was so close to walking out. He really was in over his head.

“I heard your songs, I understand them.”

“You do?” I frowned, unsure why the hell he was acting this way if he knew.

“Yeah, that first song was a great way to start, it showed off your vocal abilities and caught everybody’s attention. Then that second one…” He breathed out.

“What about it?” I pushed.

“You’re not happy with Jack, are you?”

“Holy shit!” I shouted and shoved him away. “Are you seriously insane? I wrote these songs ages ago, Alex. You’ve got it twisted. Completely twisted. That first song I wrote for Jack, don’t you dare make it seem like he means nothing to me. That other song,” I wanted to shout at him that that was for him, but it wasn’t true. I wrote it way before I even knew him, “that one was just cause it was one of my better ones. You’ve got to stop thinking that everything I do is for or because of you.”

Alex’s confidence shattered as he meekly whispered, “what?”

I sighed out in frustration. “We’ll fix this tomorrow. Right now I’m going to go back to my brother and fiancé and I’m going to finish my conversation. I’m not letting you ruin this day for me.”

Not a word left Alex as I left him standing in the empty hallway and went to join the party myself.