You Leave Me With a Dangerous Taste

It felt strange going back to Alex’s house knowing there was a new life growing inside of me. My whole life, I wanted to have kids, or at least have them someday, but I wasn’t so sure about the situation I was in. It made everything so much more complicated. I was unsure if I felt queasy because I was pregnant, or because I needed to make that important decision today. Nothing could prepare me for any reaction I got that day, whether it be good or the opposite.

I used my key to enter the house, taking a deep breath, taking a good look at the dark wood. Ever since I came the first time for my interview, I never appreciated the house as much again. It just turned into the place I worked and would sometimes spend my free time at. But knowing that things could go badly, I was starting to look at everything again and find something good about it.

That dark wood was so beautiful.

I gently closed the door and started going further into the house to see if I could find anybody. There was nobody in the office full of books and heavy desk, nobody on the stairs, and nobody was in the living room. I knew that somebody had to be awake, so I shuffled further and towards the kitchen. It was there that I found Alex making himself a bowl of cereal.

“Morning.” I smiled softly and walked up to the counter, putting down my bag on it.

“Hey.” He grinned back and opened the fridge to put away the milk before picking up his bowl and eating one spoonful.

I was unsure how to start the conversation. Maybe it was better to wait it out until I left that afternoon or evening. However, if I did that, my mind would be on it the entire time and I wouldn’t be able to do my work properly. And if I did it now, if the reaction was good, I’d be able to enjoy the rest of the day. If it didn’t go well, then at least it was over with.

One other thing first, though.

“What time do you have to go to work today?” I asked, feeling the nerves trying to block my throat.

“I’m going to be bugging you the entire day. “ He smirked and walked over to my side of the counter where all the barstools were. As expected, the smirk turned into him dipping down and giving me a short deep kiss. “So, if you had something planned, we can totally go do that right now… and again later.”

I nodded, knowing that I had to do it now if I didn’t want to feel like I was leading him on. But when he leaned down to kiss me yet again, I couldn’t help but savor it. I didn’t know how he was going to react, I didn’t want to accept the worst. But when he deepened it even further, putting down his bowl of cereal and pushing me against him, I had to break it apart. Like this, I was going to be enticed and I didn’t have enough strength to do it later.

“Alex…” I sighed, lightly pushing my hand against his chest to put definite space between us. “We need to talk.”

“Sure, what’s up?” He asked as he sat down on one of the barstools.

I took one last deep breath in and walked into the kitchen to grab myself a glass of water. Although I shouldn’t have been stalling like this, and I didn’t want Alex to overthink it all, I couldn’t help but take my time. This was a light altering moment.

“Well,” I started, taking a sip of the water and putting it down on the counter as I went to face him, keeping my hands at the base of the glass, “as much as I like working here, in a couple of months, I’m going to have to stop.”

“I know.” He nodded casually as he took another bite of his breakfast. My heart rate started speeding up, wondering how he knew what was going on, but of course he didn’t know. “You’re going to have to work on your music.”

“Oh… yeah…” I exhaled, having completely forgotten about my new career, about the contract I had signed, that was only making everything even more difficult. “But, umm… that’s not exactly what I’m talking about.”

“No?” He frowned, dropping the spoon in the bowl and focusing completely on me. It was like he only knew then that I actually had to talk about something serious and not something small like the weather. “Why then?”

“No…” I let out a shaky breath and closed my eyes, knowing that it was now or never. “I, umm, well… I… I’m pregnant.”

I opened my eyes to see Alex staring at me with wide eyes. His entire body was stiff and I felt fear rushing through my body. Even though I had to tell him about it, I couldn’t deal with him getting mad at me now. Yet, here we were, in his kitchen. I just told him what was going on with me, and he was just looking at me like I had gone crazy.

He managed to snap out of it, running a hand through his hair. “You’re really pregnant?”

“That’s what the pregnancy test said,” I mumbled uncomfortably.

“That isn’t bad news, is it?” he shrugged before standing up and slowly waltzing over to me. “I think it’s quite amazing actually. Although this is quite a surprise, we can work this out. I’ll be here through it all.”

“Wait, what?” I questioned, taking a step back, confused about his reaction.

“I may already have a son that I love, but that doesn’t mean I’m not open to continue making a family with somebody else,” he clarified, making my eyes double in size. “Of course I didn’t think it would happen this soon, but I’m up for it. You can move in with us… we’ll take one of the rooms and turn it into a nursery. I was thinking light gray walls with yellow accents. We could maybe even make it music themed or with, like, white animals painted on the walls as well. I’m sure William will love the idea of getting a new sibling.”

I laughed nervously, protectively putting a hand on my stomach. “No, this is Jack’s baby.”

“Umm, what?” He chuckled back, keeping on a forced toothless smile while his eyes glared at me.

“It’s Jack’s baby,” I repeated, looking up at him as my new protective nature took over.

“You do know how babies are made, right? It’s not just through cuddles, the act is quite a lot more physical.”

I nodded overdramatically. “Jack and I have been having sex.”

“You what?!” He nearly screamed out, but lowered his voice so he wouldn’t wake or catch William’s attention.

“He’s my boyfriend. Hell, he’s my fiance. There’s no rule about me having sex with him.”

“Even if that’s the case,” he now completely left his calm and loving attitude behind, “we’ve been having sex as well. How are you so certain that it’s that sticky little boy’s? It could just as well be mine.”

My gaze pierced into him. I could never let myself be with someone who was constantly so jealous to the point he forgot he was the person I was cheating with. So, I stated yet again, “it’s Jack’s. You always pulled out, he never did.”

“Pulling out is not an effective method of birth control, Paisley,” Alex told me with a disbelieving shake of his head. “You can very well still get pregnant.”

But what he said didn’t help his case at all. “So you thought it was fucking okay to have sex with me without protection? You saw that I had no clue what I was doing and decided to take advantage of that. Was this your plan all along? To get me pregnant and hope I stick around forever?”

“I’m just sayin’. Can just as well be my baby. Doesn’t have to be that other dude’s,” he shrugged and crossed his arms.

“Excuse me, but ‘that other dude’ is the man I’ve been with since my sophomore year in high school and am going to marry!” I didn’t care about attracting William’s attention, so I shouted just as loud as I needed to get my anger across. I was done with Alex. And here I was hoping this would have the ending I was hoping for; I just wanted him to be supportive of my decision.

“But that doesn’t mean anything! Just because you’ve been together for years and are set to marry doesn’t mean your feelings are the strongest. What about us, huh?! I love you, and you can’t just tell me you’re throwing that away for something that has been a constant for so long.”

I shook my head, hoping I could still end this civilly. “But Jack, he gave me this ring for a reason.”

“What, I can get you a ring. I can get you any ring you like. Pick out two if you want, I don’t care how expensive they are.”

“Alex, it’s not about the physical ring, it’s about what it means.” I held up my left hand to show the engagement ring once more. “You keep trying to buy me. You’ve been giving me endless raises and gifts in hope that it makes me want to stay with you. You should know by now that love doesn’t work like that, especially for me.”

“You can’t just tell me you don’t feel the same way!” he argued loudly.

“I don’t. Feel. The same. Way!” I screamed, hurting my own throat in the process.

“You’re just saying that cause you’re in denial and mad.”

“No, I’m saying that because I don’t love you! I’m saying it because I don’t have any feelings for you. Why else do you think I’ve been trying to stay away from you the last couple of months? Every single time you manipulate me and we end up sleeping together again. I am putting this to an end right now.”

“Yeah, sure, run to that twat again. You’ll soon figure out that he can't give you anything that I can give you.” He rolled his eyes, way too calm for what was happening, especially after confessing his love. It was like despite it all, he still believed he had won; like I would come back.

“And you’re doing it again!” I roared and pushed past him, picking up my bag before rushing away.

As I stomped through the house, I took the house key off the clip on my keychain, throwing it onto the dark hardwood floor and leaving a large white dent and scratch in it as the key bounced somewhere else. I could just feel Alex still inside the house, waiting for me to turn around and apologize before we would have make-up sex. But not this time. This time I left the house and slammed the door as loudly as possible behind me.

As hectic as it all was, I didn’t realize the severity of it until I got into the car and drove away. The entire conversation kept repeating in my head, not making me any less furious at Alex, but notifying me of every single comeback that would have been better. I had hoped to tell Alex that I was pregnant and wanted to stay with Jack, that my relationship with him was becoming too overwhelming and that I didn’t want to lead him on anymore. I was stupid to think that he would understand me. He was already filled with jealous rage, I just unleashed it all at once.

The least I hoped for was to be able to go back home and continue to live my life with Jack without having to think about Alex ever again. But when I parked in the driveway, the guilt was worse than ever. Here I was, looking at the house Jack and I had gotten together after high school so we could spend all our time together instead of staying with our parents. But I ruined that. I had broken every single promise we had ever made.

Before I left the car the tears were already streaming down my face. I had fucked up so bad and there was nothing I could do. There was nobody to blame but myself. I was wasting Jack’s time. He deserved to be with somebody that only ever cared about him. I couldn’t believe I ever thought that I could go on with my life without telling Jack what had happened.

By the time I had reached the door, I had to use a hand to cover my mouth to stop any sounds from escaping and to wipe away the never-ending stream of tears. I knew I had to do something, to release Jack from the hell that was me. I just had to figure out how.

I quickly closed the front door behind me, unsure if it was worth taking off my shoes or if I had to turn around and leave. I couldn’t break his heart like this. It was better to just disappear.

“Pays, is that you?” Jack’s voice came from the bedroom. “What are you doing home?”

That was all I needed to break. The feelings were too heavy to hold in. I broke down right there. A painful sob wracked from my lungs up into my throat and out my mouth, filling the silence I left when I didn’t answer Jack’s questions. I knew I had no right to cry, but it was forcing itself out. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I felt weak.

I slid down the wall opposite the coats and shoes, covering my face as the tormenting cries continued to come out of me. It was all too much.

“What’s wrong?” Jack ran to me, worried about what was going on, and immediately was next to me on his knees as he tried to calm me down by holding me tightly.

It only made things worse for me. Every right thing he did only made the situation regress even further. I couldn’t hear a word he said over my own wailing. He needed to leave me, it was the only way this could end.

“Pays, this isn’t good for the baby!” he exclaimed with concern. “You need to calm down.”

“I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry. Ja-ack. I-I’m so-orry,” I blubbered, shaking my head and trying to cower away from his touch.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about if you calm down,” he said calmly, thinking I was saying sorry for my breakdown and the stress this was putting on the baby that was still very fragile.

“No-- N-no.” I continued to shake as the tears didn’t slow down at all. “You need to get as far away from me as possible!”

“What? What do you mean?”

“I fucked up, I fucked up real bad.” My breathing was still very irregular and I could feel pain start in my side from not getting enough oxygen. That didn’t stop me from taking off the engagement ring and forcing it into his hand, though

“Pays, what’s going on?” He rushed out, looking at the ring like it was a poisonous object that he shouldn’t be holding.

I put my head between my knees and squeezed my eyes shut tightly. There was a high pitched ringing in my ears making it impossible for me to calm down. I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want to do this. But this couldn’t be true love and Jack deserved it.

“Alex-- I--” I had to stop to try and take a breath, but it only burned. “I cheated.”

“Oh…” Jack’s touch was removed from my body, making me feel cold. He was completely deflated. Still, the hand with the ring wouldn’t close, still there like it was a dark force. “Today? Just now?”

I shook my head, the pain in my heart becoming unbearable. The least I expected was the heavy guilt to be lifted a little. But it just came to crush me more. Everything felt even worse, amping up my sobs yet again.

“Then when?” Jack still asked, looking at me sadly while his voice was still calm.

I couldn’t do it. It was easier to walk out of the door than to break Jack’s last sliver of hope. I couldn’t break it to him that it wasn’t just once, that it was a long-term secret I had been keeping from him. It would hurt him so much worse.

I started pulling at my own hair to see if the physical pain would soothe the emotional pain. “Since the first night I came home late.”

“That-- that’s long…” he murmured, his eyes giving away just how heartbroken he actually was. “Why?”

That one question. It could mean so little but also so much. Why didn’t I tell him? Why did I feel the need to tell him now? Why Alex? Why betray him like that? Why act like everything was okay? Why invite him to the party when I was performing? Why cheat in the first place? All of them could be meant, and I didn’t know which one it was.

“I-- I can’t,” I panicked. Both my heart and my mind were going through a rollercoaster. Whenever I managed to relax just a little bit, something would come back to constrict my breathing as my body tried to expel tears from an already emptied source. “I, I’ll go. I--”

“Pays.” Jack put his right hand on my cheek turning my head in his direction “Look at me. You need to calm down.”

The contact managed to make the last two existing tears run down my cheeks. He slowly slipped his other hand into mine, leaving behind the ring so that it was back in my possession, but with his protection.

“You’re hurting yourself more than you’re hurting me,” he sighed and brushed his thumb underneath my eye.

“Wh-what?” I stammered, taking staccato breaths.

“Look at you. You’re beating yourself up about this. I can’t stand seeing you like this. This isn’t me saying that what you did isn’t wrong, but I’m not just going to get mad. It’s quite obvious that you already know what you did is horrible,” he explained in a soft voice that was too loving for what I had done. “I just need you to answer one question for me. Is this baby mine?”

For the first time that day, I looked him in the eyes. There was so much doubt in me, but I couldn’t start lying to him now. “Alex tried to manipulate me into staying with him and breaking up with you by saying he could just as much be the father… but… I feel like it’s yours. I didn’t even think of the possibility of him being it. But I can’t be sure.”

“Okay.” He processed the information. “I know I said one question, but I have one more. Do you love him?”

I shook my head, hoping he could see I was telling nothing but the truth. “It’s why he got mad and tried to scare me into thinking he is the father. He even tried to get me to stay, saying he’d buy me as many rings as I wanted when I spoke about the promise we made to each other. But I didn’t want all that, I wanted you.”

“I love you, Pays,” he whispered, giving me a small smile.

I wanted to say it back, but I couldn’t, not with everything that had happened.

“But what if Alex is the father? What then?” I questioned instead. I couldn’t force him to stay with me just because he thought I was having his baby.

“Your feeling is good enough for me,” his lips twitched upward again, “and if it’s not right, then I’ll still raise the kid like my own. I still want to have a family with you.”

Not leaving me any more time to doubt everything, he leaned in and gently kissed me. It felt so comforting feeling his lips on mine, even if it nearly felt like a warm ghost. It was all the reassurance I ever needed.

“I love you too, Jack,” I breathed against his lips.

“Forever and always.” He smiled and put up his pinky for a pinky promise before putting the ring back on my finger.