I Love My Wife

"Adeen, when am I gonna get some grandkids?"

I visit my mother at least once a week. I'm all she's had for a long time. My father passed years ago, I think I was ten. He died on the job. Fell to his death working on scaffolding. I don't have many memories with him but the ones I do are good. As for other children, there are none. My mother never married again, never had any other kids. I started to wonder as I got older and moved out of the house if she was getting lonely. I couldn't stand thinking of her all alone day after day so I vowed to visit every week.

I watch her as she rocks in her rickety chair, creaking against the wooden0 porch with her eyes shut. I stare at her back for a few moments longer before answering.

Scratching the hairs on my chin I slowly walk towards her.

"Well ma, it'll happen someday."

A faint frown crosses her face, "someday," she repeats after me.

"I've asked about you and Tally having kids for the last three years. Honey, when is someday?"

I can hear my wife's voice now. "Tally? Tally! What kind of nickname is that? It's a shitty one, hillbillyish! I swear Adeen, your mother does not like me."

Natalia can always find an issue with the simplest things.

I shake her voice from my mind, stifle a groan and wipe my face dreading my mom's questions.

My mother is a sweetheart who truly means no harm. Her questions are innocent and so I have to remind myself to stay patient.

I sit down on the wooden bench in front of her.

"Momma you know I want kids. But right now, we've got bills sky high. And with Natalia being a business woman and all I- I there is no right time to have a baby right now."

My mother continues creaking in her chair and a look of worry crosses her face.

"Natalia's always going to be a business woman, she needs to make time to be a mother," mom tries to advise.

"She wants to be a mom," I try to defend my wife.

"Does she Adeen?"

The rocking chair's motion begins to slow to a stop. I can't bring myself to answer the question floating in the air. I don't know how to answer the question because I really don't know if my wife actually wants kids. The topic when brought up before is usually dodged or transitions into an argument.

I grow frustrated just thinking of how it'll all play out if I bring this up to Natalia again.

My mom senses the tense blanket of emotion hanging over us and she opens her eyes to look at me. She reaches out a recent wrinkled hand. The hand she's reached out to me time and time again for comfort. This hand that was once warm, strong and covered in freckles is now cool to the touch, shaky and covered in varicose veins.

I take her hand and hold on to it, she gives mine a couple of weak squeezes.

"Sweetheart, I didn't mean to upset you." She pats my hand with her other one. "You know how I get sometimes... I start remembering my age, my mind gets to going and I end up making everyone uncomfortable."

"Aw no mama," I kiss the top of her hand and hold both of hers in my own.

"I just want to see you with your own little one. I'd like to live long enough to see them at least make it to kindergarten."

I scoff playfully, "you're being a little dramatic don't you think? I'm sure you'll see your grandchild graduate high school if nothing else."

"Only if you get to working now and not ten years from now!"

She starts laughing and she sounds like she did when I was a little boy. I loved to hear my mother laugh, I didn't realize how much I missed this sound until now.

"Yes ma'am," I'm smiling now too.

I think of Natalia and I in bed with our baby boy or girl swaddled between us. The baby would have rosy red cheeks. I wonder if they'd have my brown hair or Natalia's golden locs. Would our baby have my eye color or a mix between us. Or what if our recessive genes link and our baby's a redheaded blue eyed one of a kind to our family tree.

My mind starts to wander with all the possibilities all the while my smile never fades.

" I'll talk to her about it," I say more to myself.

My mother responds, "good."

We're both in silence as the breeze blows through. The silence continues on as we both think of what my baby could be.

On my drive back into town from my mother's I think more on our talk. I think about having a baby. Then I think about the last time I tried baby-talk with Natalia.

"Absolutely not!" Natalia nearly yells as we sit on the interstate backed up in heavy traffic.

We were stuck in a jam of people heading to see families and friends for Christmas. Us, we were going to the next town for the furniture store.

"Honey, just hear me out," I insist.

"No!" She smacks her hand against the steering wheel.

I sigh and look away from her and out of my own window. "You don't even want to have a simple discussion."

"No, yeah, you're right. Because there's nothing that needs to be discussed Adeen. Every time, every single damn time you go and visit your mother, we end up having some sort of conversation like this."

I look back at her, "I see her every week, we don't have this talk every week. And even if we did, what's wrong with that?"

She snaps her head around to look at me.

"Adeen you and your mom go on and on about some child like it's the god damn golden ticket of life! Meanwhile forgetting the key part of it all is, I have to carry this baby. When we lay down to make this thing, your only job is to do one final thrust and grunt to spill your seed inside of me. But me! My whole fucking life will change. I'll be vomiting uncontrollably, I'll be the one with aches and pains, I'll be the one with a swelling belly and tits, I'll be the one with raging hormones! I'll be the one who has to push it out, go through unfathomable amounts of pain just to have my obliterated pussy sewn back together!"

I sneer at her, "Jesus you can be incredibly melodramatic you know that?"

Natalia raises her voice, "tell me that that's not true Adeen and I'll shut up!"

She waits for response she know she won't get.

"Exactly," she continues. "When it gets close to the due date, who will have to take off from work? Me. Who has the most income? Me. Who would drop down on the performance scale and seniorority chain losing out on once guaranteed promotions, me."

I sigh in annoyance and shake my head.

"I get it, I get it, I get it! Your life would be a fucking disaster if you got pregnant. Okay yes ma'am. Just forget I said anything."

She's on a roll now, she wants to beat it into me.

"And after the baby's born, who would be on bed rest for weeks afterwards? Nursing, burping, changing, dealing with outbursts in the middle of the night, the list goes on and on."

I stupidly try to rebuttal, "I'd be able to help with those things. Anything I physically can't do, I'd make up for in shit I can actually help with."

Natalia rolls her eyes and cuts them at me.

"Like how you makeup for now in income, or pulling your weight with household work, or when you cook meals?"

My face scrunches up, "I contribute around the house, don't even try it."

"After I ask or fucking tell you repeatedly! How long did it take for you to get on the roof and blow the leaves? If I recall you didn't hop your happy ass up there until I was pulling out the ladder. Adeen what the hell?! God damn baby proofing, do you really think you know one thing about making a house safe for a child?"

She begins to laugh amusing herself.

"I'd be doing one hundred percent of the work while you get a child to parade around. No, no my body nor sanity is worth fulfilling some fantasy of you and your mother."

And that was that, end of discussion.