The Academy

There was a lot to be remembered about those next few days. Unfortunately, I can’t remember a lot of it. I remember the pain and the residue of blood dried up on my skin. I recall having lost a total of four teeth; all permanent, by the way. Lucky for me only one of them was in the front. The others were molars I could find a way without. It wouldn’t matter if I lost all of them; death would take my skin, my muscles, and my teeth with it. I saw a lot of my life going through my mind. They were like movies cast onto my eyelids by a projection screen; magnificence of colors and memories flooding into the picture. My one memory I did remember was my old lady. Mom. She was smiling and pushing a younger version of me on a swing set. Kicking my legs back and forth, her hands would throw me further into the air in each push.

“Hey,” there was a whisper. “Hey, wake up!”

My ears were playing tricks on me. I thought I was having an auditory hallucination. I felt my heavy eyes lurking open in a forced attempt. It was dim. My fingers were cold and my face felt swollen. I could not seem to open my left eye all the way. When I could make out where the voice was coming from, I was astonished to find it was a familiar face. His eyes, like mine, were swollen and he had bled significant amounts from his face. As I adjusted to the dim lighting I could see his worried eyes meet mine.

“Collin,” I murmured. “Collin, what the hell is happening? Where are we?”

He could barely speak until he cleared his throat. “I don’t know, man. I really don’t know. I’ve never seen or been here before. This isn’t The Pit, but it sure as hell might as well be.”

“So this is, what, like a second Pit?”

“I don’t know.”

“Where’s Caughenour,” I demanded.

“I don’t know. He hasn’t been through here since you got thrown over there.”

Collin sat up against a wall with his hands on the flat ground. He didn’t move the entire time but I knew he couldn’t. I didn’t realize until too much after our reunion that we’d both been chained at the ankle to a wall. It was no use, I figured, and there was a key that needed to unlock it.

“Who’s been down here to look after you and whatever?”

He scoffs. “Nobody has. I’ve been down here for days. You were knocked out to avoid the worst. There’s a guy Caughenour sends down every so often to clean the shit and pee buckets. I wouldn’t use yours; friendly advice from the wise…” He cleared his throat forcefully and I could hear a horrible moisture in his mouth.

“Dude, what’s wrong with you? What’d they do to you?”

Collin lowered his face to his lap and sighed softly. “I can’t remember much. Caughenour let me out of The Pit, dragged me down the hall, and I can’t remember anything much after that. Son of a bitch must have knocked me unconscious because I have the worst headache.”

“You’re not looking so hot.”

“I don’t feel so hot, either. You’re one to talk. I think he did the worst on you. Your whole left eye is purple, Cal. Jesus… What else did they do to you?”

Before I could answer, he was wrenched over on one side in agony. He must have been out cold as I was not too long before I woke up. Maybe it was a nap or some kind of shock from his pain, but either way I was scared for him. His face became twisted in an ugly attempt to ease the pain, as if a facial expression could take that away. The more he cried out in pain, the more he seemed to suffer and wince with furrowed brows.

“Cal,” he managed, “I need you to get those keys, man. You got to find those keys.”

My brows furrowed, too, but with intense pity and sadness. “Collin… Are you dying?”

“It sure feels that way.”

“Collin…”

“What? Just get the damn keys, Cal, okay?”

My eyes were stung with horrible sadness. I felt like I couldn’t do anything at all for him. He was hopeless, I could tell, but he was still my friend. We didn’t talk much after that. It became very quiet and he started to doze in and out of sleep. The entire time he was clenching his side. I knew that pain more than anything. I recalled fights I’d gotten myself into back home, and being repeatedly kicked in the ribs before tackling a kid. I knew something had happened to Collin that couldn’t be fixed. Knowing the way things were, no nursing station could fix what had happened to Collin. He had a broke rib; maybe even a few. He was sweating horribly on the forehead and his hands trembled like he’d slept outside in a snowbank.

“I’m going to get you out of there, Collin,” I murmured.

His face moved slightly and he tried to speak as loud as he could. “Get yourself out, Cal. I’m going to be fine. Just let me stay here. I need to sleep… I need to just rest my eyes.”

“Collin, you’re not falling asleep. Don’t go to sleep! Stop this, Collin.”

He fell silent.

“Collin.”

There was a long pause and I felt my chest tightening and my heart felt like it was sinking so far deep into my stomach. There was a pain in my head again and the bruises became horribly painful to the touch. My ankle was swollen from the restraint and I knew there wasn’t much time for Collin. If it were true and he had broken ribs, untreated and left down here by himself, there was really no way of helping him survive this. If it were true, also, that he’d been here for days like he said, the infection would have already set it. Something that horrible can’t be undone. Not now. I felt tears sting my eyes and run down my face. I couldn’t even feel stupid for crying. Collin wasn’t supposed to die. He couldn’t die. He just couldn’t.

“Collin, please, talk to me.”

I heard a door opening and latching shut. I was terrified that it was Caughenour but instead I was greeted by a chubby guard with a bottle of suds in one hand, a newspaper in the other. I bet he was here to spectate his colleague’s handiwork. He entered the dimly lit room and gave me a short glance.

“Hey, I need help! Hey, you need you help me. Please. My eye,” I begged. “I can’t see out of my eye. It’s too swollen. My friend over there, Collin, he needs a hospital right now. You have to let me out.”

The man didn’t speak but I knew he cared. He looked over in the cage-like room where Collin sat behind a locked fence, and his eyes immediately changed from stern to worried. I knew then that Collin was gone. However I tried to process it was not enough. I was enraged. Showing my anger was the worst choice to make. If I could get away, I could go back home for help. I could find a payphone or someone to flag down and tell them what had happened.

“I’m dying,” I pleaded. “I’m dying, too! Look at this!” I rolled up my shirt to reveal a ton of purple and black bruises on my ribs and stomach.

Pretending to be in pain, he stood up from the swivel chair by a desk and set down his beer and newsprint. He staggered to catch his footing as he leaned against the gate of my makeshift cell. “How bad is it?”

“Pretty bad,” I winced.

The entire time I had tears falling down my face, it wasn’t because I was actually dying. In fact, I was entirely fine. I was more than fine, actually. If there were a way of me dying down here it would be from starvation or dehydration. Otherwise, there was still hope for me. The guard unlocked the cell and came down to his knees to investigate me.

“Kid, I’m no doctor but I think you need a doctor real bad. I never approved of Caughenour doing this. Not even the Headmistress approved this kind of sick shit…”

“Please, you have to get this off of me. I’m losing circulation in my leg…”

He pulled up my pant leg and saw the chain constricting my skin. It didn’t hurt or bother me but it was very uncomfortable. I played it off to be far worse and he unhooked me with very little worry about my true intentions. When he stood up to help me to my feet, I quickly grabbed the chain in both hands, a long length of it clenched in my fists. It didn’t take much for the fat oaf to come tumbling backwards onto his rear like a giant in a kid’s story. I’d wrapped it around his foot and yanked as hard as I physically could. When he was down, I hurried to my knees and shimmied over to his head. He looked frightened and full of regret. I needed the keys, and I then noticed a very beautiful green bar coded badge on his uniform. Yanking it off, I hurriedly put it in my pocket and grabbed hold of the chain again.

“I don’t want to hurt you! I want you to get out just as much as anyone,” he stammered.

I wasn’t buying it for a second. There were no sane guards in this hellhole. Even if he cared about dying teenagers, there was no doubt in my mind that he would’ve hurt Collin just like Caughenour did. I’m sure there was some kind of twisted, sick logic to convince him to hurt Collin and I wasn’t buying it at all. I wrapped the chains around his neck from underneath and then overlapped the chain around his throat, giving me a firm grip on the chains to suffocate the light from his eyes. Whatever light there was, he didn’t need it where he was going. I said to myself that the flames of hell were enough for him, and I left him laying there in my makeshift cell to turn purple like the bruises on my friend. When I exited the cell there was a foreboding sense in the air around me. I was too terrified to look at first, but the body of my friend was more important to me at that moment. He was laying propped up against the wall just as he had been. I assumed he was dead, but when I knelt down to check him I could hear a soft hum from inside his throat. An attempt to breathe was difficult. I assumed the worst and that he got hit in the throat, as well. I could feel my heart sink deeper and my eyes burn worse than before. Tears streamed down my cheeks and under my chin in a tickle that I didn’t have the strength to wipe away.

“Collin,” I begged. “You have to tell me what to do.”

His eyes opened slowly, their squinted and unnatural look made me realize how innocent he looked with his glasses on the edge of his nose bridge. “You know what to do, Cal, just go.”

“You’re not going to make it, are you,” I sobbed.

In his eyes I knew he wanted it to be false. “…I think I’m going to be okay. It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

Even though his words seemed confident I knew it wasn’t true. He was sent in shock, clenching his side with blood on his hands from wiping his face. His tears came slow at first. He wasn’t scared or upset. In fact, before I could reach for his hand he allowed it to fall beside his body on the floor. He lifted his chin so he could see the ceiling. I grabbed him by the shoulders softly.

“Collin, what’re you doing? You have to get up. We have to get you out of here.”

From behind the door I could hear sounds of boots romping heavily around on the concrete flooring. They echoed down the hallway form The Pit and I knew then that if I didn’t go now it’d be too late. I hurriedly took Collin by his arms and hoisted him up over my one shoulder. My knees wanted to buckle but I knew I had to fight. He wasn’t going to die, I told myself then. He couldn’t. He winced in small pains. I began to run down a very small corridor beside the desk our deceased guard once sat. I turned the key as Collin laid at my feet sluggishly where I’d set him down. When it unlatched and I found my way out of the building, I was hit with a very bright light that scolded my pupils. I couldn’t block my face from the sun but Collin’s legs and behind helped with that. My legs were very weak and I stumbled to free myself when I fell; Collin’s body keeping me down every so often. It was a horrible idea of mine, but it was far too dangerous to go alone. In my mind, the plan I devised was very simple. Run to freedom. At the time, it was very unlikely.

Realizing that Collin died was the hardest moment of my life. I’d fallen three times before noticing he fell silent from over my shoulder. I laid him down in the dirt and gravel outside the Academy. His face was flooded with sunlight and he kept his eyes open even if it burned. I think the worst of it was his words. I didn’t want them. I couldn’t find any words of my own, but instead I cried and cried even after he passed.

“Can you feel it,” Collin murmured.

I had to lean close to hear his faint voice. “What? What’re you feeling?”

“It’s so warm,” he says, sniffling back tears and sobs from in his chest. “There’s so much warmth…”

I couldn’t hear his staggered breathing after those words.

The sun beams shined down on our heads like halos illuminating our faces. My body was weak with pain as I knelt down on my knees in the dirt. Collin’s eyes had stared blankly up at the clouds. It seemed that he was enjoying the view of the fluffy white vapor hovering in the bright blue sky. It seemed like years since we had seen sunlight. The Pit did a very good job of preventing us from having any feeling of warmth. I was almost glad he died here, under the sun with his stress all lifted with the exhale of his last breath. I held him close in my arms and hugged him tightly before laying him down on the ground. My fingertips reached for his eyelids and I closed them gently. Hearing loud yelling from inside the building, I felt a small panic within me which caused me to jump up to my feet staggeringly.

“Find them,” I heard faintly. “Shoot them both on sight, you hear me?”

Panic sifted through my mind. I had to take him with me. Collin had to come with me. Even if he wasn’t alive, I couldn’t let them take his body. No one would ever know what happened to him. They’d do something with him, take his body and throw it in a disintegrator. I found enough strength to get Collin up over my shoulder again, hugging his legs tight so he wouldn’t fall off of me. I struggled to run and found myself trudging along around the side of the building. Collin swayed atop of me and it was so difficult to keep going. My forehead sweat so badly and I couldn’t help but start to cry. What if I couldn’t make it out of there? I didn’t want to be stuck here for the rest of my life. Knowing them, they’d kill me and let me rot away just like Collin would’ve if I hadn’t grabbed him up.

I made it to the gate in the front of the Academy and the large sign blocked the sun from my eyes. It gave me enough time to stop and rest only a moment. It was then I heard a loud gunshot from behind me. I heard more and felt a jolt hit me in the back. It wasn’t painful, and I didn’t feel anything starting to sting or bleed. In fact, I wasn’t shot at all. I turned to see a small bullet in Collin’s back, right between his shoulder blades. It was a panic I couldn’t process. I began to breathe heavily until they were staggered hyperventilation. I kept pushing on and found myself wiggling my body through the openings. Collin’s lifeless body laid on the other side of the gate, and in the distance I could hear more gunfire and shouting. I wanted to drag him through and carry him to freedom with me, but I knew if I did I wouldn’t make it. I had imagined burying him properly. I held his hand through the gate and felt tears on my eyelids.

“I’m so sorry, Collin,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry. I carried you this far, and you saved my life, man. You saved my life… I’m so sorry.”

I had to let go of his hand and hop to my feet. Even though I was so tired and so weak, I found strength to run as fast as I could. My calves were cramping and my knees buckled with every hard step against the ridged road, I hurried into the woods not too far from the path and kept an eye on where I had to go. Once I ran far away enough, I could go back out onto the road and find a ride to hitch. If I was lucky, I would be home by the next few days. I worried that if I stayed in one spot for too long they would come from the Academy in tank-like army trucks or something and shoot off a million machine guns to take me down.

I felt a horrible sadness when I ran through the trees. I could still feel the hand attached to mine, holding tightly to me as Collin laid dead. I knew it wasn’t true, but the feeling of still holding onto him was so intense and so real it was impossible not to cry. I had twigs snap under my feet and leaves rustle loud against my shoes. I felt hurried. I was rushing too much. I was scared to stop, though. If I stopped, I would get tired and fall asleep. If they caught me I would never make it home. Home…

I didn’t know why I couldn’t stand. After all the running I’d done, I was sure I could keep on going just a little bit further. I didn’t have it in me anymore. My legs gave out and I fell onto my knees in the brush and dirt. My head laid in a pile of brown rotting leaves and my body had never felt so light. My muscles burned, the hairs on the top of my forehead were sticking to my skin, and sweat was pouring down my face from my upper and lower lip. The air in my lungs burned with each breath and I closed my eyes to rest. When I opened them again, it was nighttime and darkness was upon me. I heard so many strange things that frightened me. I could only assume I’d passed out from exhaustion or trauma, but it was a blank, empty sleep that left no memory of dreams.

The road was silent in the distance. Not a single sound of human life other than my own was present. I knew it was clear to move now, but I still felt a pure anxiety that worried me of someone sneaking up on me from the bushes. I kept my eyes open wide and alert as I began to run again. Even though it hurt me to do so, I pushed on and persisted my body not give in again.

“You can make it,” I panted. “You can make it home… Just a little further.”

When I thought I was completely alone and no one would come by, I could feel a bright light in the distance coming closer and closer with each step I took. It was an intense set of headlights that blinded me. I put my hand up to shield my eyes from the lights but it still seemed to burn my eyes just as bad. My legs forced me forward as the vehicle stopped a few feet in front of me. Leaning out the driver side window was an arm with sleeves rolled up to the elbow. In the hand was a cigarette, the other hand resting peacefully on the steering wheel. My eyes adjusted and I could make out the face of a man who did not look familiar at all. He was dark in the eyes and his hair was jet black with stubbled facial hair along his chin, cheeks, and sideburns. The hair on his head was rugged and not done in any orderly fashion. Each tufted of hair seemed to go in all different directions.

“You heading the other way anytime soon,” I asked in a hidden beg.

“Yeah, just making a stop at the gas pump. You live in the city?”

Nodding, he nudged his head to the passenger seat and took a drag from his cigarette. I hopped in and sat quietly the entire drive. I was grateful but I was too tired to speak much. Only when he spoke did I think of a reply. He asked me where I came from and what happened to me. I was still bloodied and weak. He offered to grab some dampened paper towels at the gas station for me, and I immediately accepted. For a stranger, I couldn’t have known a better one like this guy. He kept to himself and didn’t ask too much. He didn’t ask too little, either, and accepted my silence and peaceful sleep on the drive we took. I used the paper towels in his car mirror over the dashboard to wipe the blood and sweat from my face, from my hands, from my arms, etc.

Sitting in the passenger seat of this stranger’s car, it was dark and unsettling like something from a horror movie. If my idea was correct, I would be watched right now by a murderer and hunted down from the car into the woods.

“Just relax,” I told myself softly. “It’s all fine. Stop being so paranoid.”

“You okay,” the man had come from inside and started pumping gas into his car.

I looked over at him and nodded. “Yeah, just exhausted.”

“We’ve got a little over two hours of travel time left, so we should be into the city by sunup.”

I laid my head against the headrest of the seat, closing my weak eyelids and taking a very long and much needed deep breath. It occurred to me that sunrise was a bad thing. I could be on the news by then, the font on the television saying I’m a “loose convict” with “intent to kill” or some crap like that. Nothing would come of that if it were not something awful. Two hours, I told myself, and that’s it. I would crawl into my bed and sleep. When he finished pumping gas, the stranger who had been so kind to me had started driving once more. In the hour that followed, he was playing different stations that didn’t have static. It had turned over to a station of light rock and oldies, which made me feel very relaxed and even more sleepy. I suppose he knew I needed some relaxing ambiance. I was thankful.

“I don’t have money,” I said softly. “I’ve got the clothes on my back and a ton of stories, and that’s all… I can’t pay my way.”

He chuckles softly. “Don’t worry about it. It looks to me you’ve got some very important place to be, and the blood on you doesn’t tell me much other than trouble. It’s none of my business, kid. If you go to the police or something you never got in this car, okay?”

“Sure thing. I owe you that much at least.”

We fell into silence as he turned the volume up a little on the radio. It was a man speaking softly into the microphone introducing a new song with the lingo at the end of his introduction: 106.5 rock classics. I heard guitar strums and a deep voice of a singer I’d only heard once, and it soothed the air around me. I found enough comfort in that song to fall asleep for enough time to catch up on sleep. I was afraid of sleeping too long, though. I hated road trips where I’d sleep. It made me have a dream about one with my parents. We were going up to the lake and the beach. It was a crappy Sunday and we didn’t know whether or not it would rain. I hated days like that. Rain ruined a lot of things for us. That day was a road trip where I fell asleep. Seeing as we woke up early for driving, I slept most of the way there. At a pitstop my mom had turned to me in the back seat and shook me on my shoulders. It stirred me and woke me up in a panic.

That was exactly what happened. Even though I was dozing in and out of sleep, I somehow managed to fall asleep at the right moment for this stranger to wake me with a shake on my leg.

“You need me to drive you home, or to the station,” he asked softly.

I got hit in the eyes by a burst of sunbeams that glided from between the clouds. The sky was orange and pink, mixed together by separations of purple and blue. It was a fire of a sky. The world looked like it was sitting in an entirely different universe, and we were the aliens. My eyes adjusted to the brightness and my heart began to pound in my chest with more anxiety. Looking around, I noticed we were sitting in the parking lot of a very familiar store. I’d come here a lot to get groceries some days. Some days I would get a pack of gum or smokes for friends. Even though it brought up nostalgia and clarity, it was followed by a lot of panic and forebode.

“This is fine,” I reassured. “I appreciate it.”

I opened the car door.

“Whatever it is, I’m sure you’re going to be just fine.”

Nodding, I waved the stranger off and he drove away from the parking space. When I was on my own, I took a deep breath and forcibly exhaled the air in relief to be home. I knew now where I was and where I needed to go, yet it felt like I hadn’t been here in forever. I thought about Collin and Lola on my walk down the road. There were barely any cars driving past, and no one was wandering the morning route like I was. It was lonely but also satisfying. It gave me space to think. It made me remember so much. When I walked, I felt compelled to run the rest of the way but my body couldn’t. I was stumbling around the street corners and down onto my own street. It was a dream. My legs seemed to move but didn’t touch the ground. They were just gliding along aimlessly. I didn’t have to look up until I found myself nearing my house.

The car was in the driveway. It gave me a great feeling of excitement to know my parents were home. I didn’t remember what day it was, but it was early enough for me to know they’d still be home before work. My eyes widened and my hands reached for the door. It was unlocked, which surprised me and made me even more excited. When I pushed open the door, I made sure I quietly took off my dirty sneakers and shut the door quietly. I didn’t want them to see me this way. I was covered in dirt, mud, leaves in my hair, and blood, most of all. The blood had turned into a brown tinted red stain all over my shirt. I couldn’t let them know what happened. Not like that, anyway.

After immediately going up the stairs, I showered and allowed the drain to suck down the dirt and red water that fell from my body. All the clothes I wore were left in the tub and I hurried in a towel to my room to put on new clothes. My parents’ door was shut, which told me they were still asleep. I was glad the shower hadn’t woken them. I’d be standing in a towel with no explanation and my mother’s panicked face. My dad wouldn’t even know what to say. Questions would be asked, I was sure, but it was necessary for me to make it the right time. I wanted them to know I was okay, even though I myself had a hard time believing that. Pulling on boxers and a t-shirt, I made my way down the hall to the bedroom. Pushing the door open, I looked in on my parents’ bed to see if they were laying together. I was disappointed to see they were not there. My dad wasn’t there snoring and my mom wasn’t there to hog the comforter.

“Mom,” I said softly. “Dad, where are you?”

Leaving the door open, I wandered downstairs and into the living room. Nothing was moving and I didn’t hear a thing until I was standing in the kitchen just around the living room. It was a noise I would not be able to identify for the life of me. It had come from the dining room just across the way from the kitchen. I was scared. I was anxious that they knew I was here, and they were sitting there drinking their coffee waiting for me to come down. I smelt the coffee and looked over at a pot of coffee near gone. It was still warm and I was sure now that someone was here.

When I wandered into the dining room, I saw three figures sitting in the chairs. One sat facing away from me, their back completely visible. The other two were my parents, and they were not making any movements at all. They just sat still. They were so very still. I had to turn on the dining room light to see them properly, but what I found was not anything I would have imagined. Mom’s eyes were wide with blank expression. My dad was sitting across from her in the same fashion. They were silent, staring up at the ceiling with red dripping from their collars.

“…Mom,” I asked worriedly. “Mom, what’s wrong?”

The third figure facing away from me had on a very ordinary jean jacket with a pair of boots under his pants. I didn’t recognize any of the clothes, and the person wearing them seemed just as unfamiliar. That is, I didn’t know who it was until he cleared his throat. I’d recognized that sound anywhere. If I were paid to identify that voice for money I would be rich. It wasn’t hard to pick out a face in my mind. My eyes became still and stopped on him. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, and I couldn’t focus on anything but the presence of this man.

“It’s about time you came home,” he said devilishly. “We were beginning to think you wouldn’t make it.”

When he turned around, my face went entirely white. The blood had completely left my cheeks. The sound of his voice made goosebumps emerge from my skin and the hairs on my neck stood up. He was a demon in the middle of my safe haven. He was a gruesome monster in the midst of our family home. I couldn’t think straight. I began to wonder how he’d gotten here so quickly. Before I could say anything he was up on his feet staring at me with those dark, evil eyes.

“They worried about you so much,” Caughenour said softly. “Can’t you see I was growing bored? I’ve had enough coffee for the three of us. I think there’s still some left.”

He was calm and collected. He had a large grin across his face as he held a mug from our kitchen sink. He helped himself to filling another mug and handing it to me slowly.

“Let’s not have it go to waste.”

“No, thanks,” I snapped, not reaching for the mug.

“Oh, Cal, it’s a cup of coffee. Relax, sit down, and we can talk.”

My heart was pounding. “Get out of my house…”

“I’m afraid that’s not going to happen.”

I felt his eyes on me like two daggers. I was stuck in place. Only my eyes would work. Even my ears began to process things differently. I could hear him as a muffled echo, my vision staring to go in and out of focus. I couldn’t process what was happening all at once. Overwhelmed, I felt I had to sit down.

“Yes,” he smiled, “I think you should sit down and chat. Mommy and Daddy were so worried. They had so many questions… It’s such a shame. If you were a good boy and stayed in school, they would still be alive, Cal.”

My eyes felt tired and I was furious. I wanted to lunge at him but my body was weak. I could not make myself look at him. I heard him walk around me and sit between my parents’ corpses. I panicked.

“Please,” I begged. “Just let me go. I don’t want to go back there. You killed my friends. You took away everything. You tried to kill me, too.”

Caughenour didn’t listen. He sat there with a nine millimeter pistol in his hand. I didn’t notice him take it from his jacket pocket. I realized why he didn’t shoot them in the head; hearing the gunshot would have startled me from outside and I wouldn’t have come in. It was a horrible thing to look at, but how would I be able to look away when they were so near to me. They were so pale and so expressionless. I felt chills and my breathing becoming heavier. My whole body shook with fear and nervousness.

“I’m not going to send you back.”

My eyes looked up slowly to meet his. It was very difficult to do. I wouldn’t be able to forget those eyes. Maybe it was a good thing he shot me then. In that moment, I hadn’t thought about what my life had come to. I was a “fugitive.” I was a “murderer” and trash upon the earth to everyone but these two dead bodies between the two of us. Caughenour knew I had to go, too. I knew it, too. It wasn’t easy letting go. When I heard the gun go off and felt that sting in between my eyes, I didn’t want it to be true that I was dying. I fought hard to move my body. Unfortunately, when I was shot in the brain it was an unfixable situation. I tried to make myself think of something good. I thought if I focused on a memory it would take me somewhere better. Maybe dark was what I deserved. I wasn’t sure.

No noise fell in my ears after that. My heart stopped. My eyes stayed open but I no longer saw anything around me. My body went numb and the ground seemed to disappear. I know my body fell on the floor by the thud I felt before my demise. Was death a good ending? I think so. Did I deserve to die? I don’t think I did. Then again, many people would have argued that one. There was so much I hadn’t done. There were things I couldn’t tell my parents or Caughenour before that blood began spilling over the wooden floor. It was unfair, yes, but I wasn’t upset about my death. It was freeing. After all, being dead meant the chance of seeing Collin and Lola. I even realized I could see my parents. It made me feel secure when I let my body drift away from my eventful life. I was okay with the end. I was okay with peace. Finally, I felt peace.

My peace wasn’t permanent. I still had things I needed to do. There was something I needed to see. Somehow I could still see even after I couldn’t any longer. I felt it whole-heartedly. I felt Donovan. Days following my family’s murder, I received sight again for a brief moment; a glimpse of life one last time. It was a tombstone. It was my tombstone. I wouldn’t have believed it if I were alive, but that son of a gun came to my tombstone. He stood there in trousers, not jeans, staring down at the stirred soil beneath his feet. The ass even wore a tie. Somehow I didn’t feel angry. I didn’t feel an ounce of anger towards him or a second of regret. He was a liar, and I couldn’t stand the sight of him in life, but seeing him care was a sight I felt warmth from. I remember how we used to be. We were angels once. He was an angel once. We both someone slipped away from that. Somehow, we drifted into hatred for one another.

Would I have lied to save my skin, too? I might have if things were reversed. However, that wouldn’t be possible now that time had plotted each step for us both. I accepted it and smiled inside, staring at the once friend I used to love; who I learned to forgive for what he had brought onto me. No hard feelings, Don. I think he understood what I was trying to communicate.

He cried.

He smiled.

We smiled.

For a moment I felt alive again.