Counting Calories

{First person Point of veiw-Dakotah}

I was mindlessly snacking on popcorn and scrolling around on my Tumblr, That my friend insisted I got because she needed the extra follower.

I really didn't have any interest in this godforsaken app. Only to please Jennifer.

That is until I came across this one blog post titled "Thinspiration"
and the picture linked to it was this beautifully thin girl, with dainty arms and a slim waist.

Looking down at my slightly pudgy tummy I set my popcorn bowl down beside me. Instantly feeling self-conscious.

Hesitantly I clicked on the Tumblr name and it brought me to a blog titled 'I promise I'm happier in person' and the first thing to pop up was a blog post titled with 'Mean-Spo'

Confused I scrolled down

'You'll thank yourself when you fit into a size zero pants and a small Tee.
You'll thank yourself when you no longer have fat sticking out when you lay on your side.
Or when your fat no longer hangs over your jeans.
Or when you can walk with out your thighs rubbing.
When someone can wrap their arms around you and you dont have to suck in.
When you look the same sitting down as standing up.
The hunger eventually fades and its all worth it in the end.'

I looked at the tags, suddenly intrigued by this post and one caught my eye... 'Pro-ana'

Clicking curiously on the link I was brought to a whole new page filled with pictures of thin girls, ana/mia posts, diet tips and a whole bunch of other things.

For hours I scrolled through the blogs, Feeling increasingly worse about yourself.

One, in particular, stuck out to me.

'You think you are going to lose weight this way? fatty? Scrolling around on this app? Please. Go work out, or better yet, purge. go stick your chubby little fingers down your throat and puke till nothing besides bile come up. and then, start a fast. nothing except water and green tea. no calories. you want to reach your goal weight. Fucking work for it'

This triggered something in me and the next thing I know I'm kneeling in front of the toilet with my fingers pushed down my throat.

It was disgusting... I felt disgusting. But I swore... When I looked in the mirror afterward... I looked visibly thinner.

'I've been waiting for this moment, Kotah'

Confusion set in.

'I'm Ana... and I have a friend here, Mia... Were here to help, Just trust us.'

And so, Trusting them is what I did.

______

This went on for weeks, Attempting to fast then failing. Ana got progressively angrier at me and wouldn't give me advice anymore. Mia wasn't around much either...

"Hey Kotah, Whats up?" Jennifer inquired as she sat down across from me at the cafeteria table.

"Oh, nothing much... Remeber that app you told me to download though?"

"Yeah, Everything okay?"

I smiled slightly

"I found these blogs-"

"Oh god, not porn right?" she laughed

"Jen, No, Not porn..." I smiled

"Then what?" She eagerly asked

"I don't know, Like, Thinspiration or something"

Her face fell

"Dakotah, no." She demanded firmly

I gave her a questioning look

"Those blogs, They are Pro-ana, eating disorders, Kotah!"

I rolled my eyes at her

"I only want to lose a few pounds, I swear I'm not going to go to the extremes" I had this under control.

"I just don't want to see it destroy you" She frowned

"I'll be fine, Jen, I'm not going to let it control my life."

Boy, was I wrong.