New Years Day

John woke up with a headache and arms around his waist. The light of the first morning of the new year was harsh but he didn’t close his eyes. Snow was lightly falling outside the living room as the sun rose along Long Island Sound. The room was a mess of glitter, empty bottles, and discarded plastic cups but John felt oddly at peace at the day- and the year- to come.

Alex had never spent the night before, had never promised John his mornings, and John had never asked for them. Officially, they were strictly unofficial and that had been okay for a while. Until John had started thinking about the future, he had been fine with their relationship. It was the fact that he had started to think about the future at all that started his own internal spiral.

John had never been the kind of person who planned ahead for anything. He liked to live in the present and take things as they came. It wasn’t because of carelessness or apathy, he was simply a laid back person. There was no harm in just passing by, in getting by, he told himself. The future was uncertain and better left unplanned. He didn't want to admit it but he was really just afraid of the prospect of having a future at all...

For so long, he had spent his life surviving and getting by. From neglectful parents to abusive partners, to living from paycheck to paycheck, he hadn't felt truly content enough with his place in life to think about where he was going. Seldom had he thought about getting somewhere rather than just getting through.

That is until he started seeing Alex. It was always casual, the kind of thing where they would get together whenever Alex came into the city. They had been friends for years and closer than brothers, so being intimate with each other had almost come naturally to them. It had started with a drunken kiss that had led to a serious conversation that resulted in a casual friends-with-benefits relationship built on a strict set of rules: They didn’t talk about their feelings, have pet names, go on dates, and above all, they never spent the night. Once the sex was over, Alex would always leave.

But after the sex, when John was lying alone in his bed with the smell of Alex still lingering on his skin and in his sheets, he would find himself fantasizing about picket fences, tiny yellow houses, kids, a lazy old dog that chewed the couch pillows. He was surprised to find that he wanted all of that with Alex. He wanted to make him dinners, go grocery shopping together, and come home to him after a long day. He wanted the pain and the joy, the excitement, and the boredom. He wanted the drunken nights that lead to hungover mornings. He wanted the panic attacks and the breakdowns. He wanted all of the wonderful messiness that a “forever” entailed.

Each time he and Alex were together, he felt an indescribable kind of calmness. The chaos of his days never lingered when Alex came around and he was at ease. Alex made him happy in a way that he hadn’t been in a long time. Intimacy was something that was hard for John to have. He had been hurt before, so badly that he didn’t think he would ever be capable of being with someone again. Even though they weren’t exactly serious as lovers, John had always felt so safe around Alex. He didn’t question his weird quirks or demands. He didn’t ask about John’s scars or his extreme timidness towards sex. Alex just accepted everything about him and didn’t make him feel odd, even though he undeniably was.

John sighed happily as he took in the morning and traced the freckles on Alex’s bare back. Somewhere between the ball dropping and John’s fifth beer, Alex had lost his shirt. John chuckled and kissed Alex’s messy hair, so full of love for this beautiful boy curled up so perfectly next to him. He thought about the night before, when Alex had tracked him down nearly an hour before the ball dropped, drunk and determined as he weaved through groups of their friends to get to John who was sitting alone on the couch, nursing a beer as he watched everyone dance.

“Johnny! I’ve been looking for you for forever!” Alex exclaimed as he draped himself across John’s lap, splashing wine on John’s sweater, though he didn’t mind.

John laughed as he sat his bottle on the end table and wrapped an arm around Alex’s waist so he didn’t fall off the couch. “I didn’t even think you were coming. When did your flight get in?”

Alex blew a raspberry with his lips. “You think I would miss one your parties, silly? I got back a few hours ago but my parents were fighting again and I had to go pick up my mom and bring her to my aunt’s apartment in Brooklyn and it was a fuckin’ mess.”

John frowned as Alex took a long swig from his drink. Alex didn’t talk about his family a lot, or his personal life at all. But they had been friends long enough that John knew that Alex’s father was verbally abusive and that divorce was inevitable. Alex’s home life growing up had been as turbulent as John’s. Unlike John though, Alex hadn't managed to completely leave his behind.

“Shit, Alex. Are you… okay?”

Alex shrugged. “Think so. I'm used to it by now. But I don’t wanna talk about all that… stuff. I came to see you.”

“Just for me? Are you sure you didn't come for the free booze?”

Alex giggled and threw an arm around John’s neck, pulling himself closer. “Just for you!” he exclaimed in a sing-song voice. “I actually- whoops!” he hiccuped and spilled more of his drink on the floor. “Had something to tell you.”

“Oh yeah? What's up?”

Alex smiled and moved his face closer to John’s ear. “It's a secret! You can't tell anybody, ‘kay?”

John just chuckled and resisted the urge to kiss Alex’s cheek. Alex was such an adorable, bubbly drunk and he loved it. “Okay.”

“I… I think that I might be in love with you.” He was smiling as he said it, in that cute, exaggerated whisper. As if he were telling secrets that weren't his own.

John’s eyes widened as he gently pushed Alex away so he could look at his face. “Alex, you-you're drunk. You don't know what you're say-”

Alex put a finger to John’s lips and shook his head. “No, I-I mean it! I know I'm drunk, but I'm not super drunk. Had to be in order to tell you.” John stared at him and his curving, half-moon smile and chocolate eyes. Even in his state, Alex was 100% serious. “But I mean it. I swear.”

“Alex…” John murmured.

“You love me, too, right?” he asked, innocently, his eyes wide.

John just looked at him for a long while and then pulled him close again and kissed his cheek. “Of course I do. So much.”

“Good! Good!”

Alex rested his head on John’s shoulder and sighed happily. “Also wanted to ask you something else?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I be your New Year’s Kiss?”

John chuckled. “As if there was anyone else I would want to kiss.”

Alex shrugged. “Well, you're a beautiful man. I'm surprised there aren’t dozens of guys and girls lining up to kiss you right now. So I had to ask first, ‘cause you're my guy.”

“Your… guy?”

“Well yeah! But only if you... wanna.”

John laughed as his chest flooded with warmth. “Yes. I definitely want to be your guy.”

They sat on the couch for the next hour, cuddling and quietly enjoying each other’s company. Eventually, John got tired of the roar of the party around them and pulled Alex outside onto the balcony, minutes before midnight. The city sprawled below them, bright and awake as Alex snuggled into John’s shoulder. New York was a writhing and beautiful beast, never sleeping or slowing down. It was so unashamedly alive as millions of lights blinked on and off in the distance. Looking out at the city used to make him feel alone but now John felt hopeful.

“It's so beautiful,” Alex murmured as John slipped his jacket around his shivering shoulders.

“You're so beautiful,” he replied. Alex grinned up at him for a long time and time seemed to slow as John just stared at his perfect smile.

“Do you remember in high school, the first Christmas we ever spent together when got snowed in alone at your parent’s cabin? And we were stuck there until New Years Day?” Alex asked.

“Yes, I do. We watched Home Alone nearly twelve times and ate nothing but canned peaches and saltine crackers. Why?”

“You remember how we talked all night? About our parents and liking boys and planning for the future? I felt like… I’d never connected with a person like that before, as I laid there with you on the futon in front of the fireplace. I didn't exactly have romantic feelings for you yet but I… I knew that I loved you in some way. For over ten years, you've been home, John. It just took me a long time- and a lot of alcohol- to be able to tell you that.”

John put a hand on Alex’s jaw and brushed a thumb over his cheek. Time seemed to slow as their faces moved inwards. Inside, the guests were counting down the seconds to midnight. There was a shift inside him as the crowd welcomed the new year with cheering and applause and Alex’s lips met his.

That kiss had signaled a dozen different beginnings and when John pulled away, he cupped Alex’s face in his hands and couldn't shake the feeling that he had finally found it. For so long, he had been waiting for Alex. For so long, he had been looking for him. The love he held inside felt older, greater than himself as if his soul had spent a dozen lifetimes looking for the total clarity that he found when he was wrapped up in Alex’s arms.

--

Alex yawned and rolled over, stretching his legs and nearly falling off the couch. John laughed and pulled him close, arms wrapped around his waist. Alex closed his eyes and pressed his face into John’s shoulder. “Good morning, sleepy head,” John murmured.

Alex groaned. “Johnny, the light hurts.”

“Yeah, that's called a hangover, honey.”

Alex rolled his eyes. “I haven't drunk that much since-”

John met his eyes, filling in the blanks. “Jeez, Lex, what is it about me that requires you to get wasted in order to be intimate with me?” he teased.

“You know that it's not your fault that I'm inept w-with feelings. I'm sorry for kind of ambushing you last night.”

“Don't be. We needed to talk about it eventually. We can't just keep going on pretending, Alex. I don't have it in me to pretend anymore.” Alex nodded and sat up as he looked around for his shirt. “You… meant all that stuff you said last night, right?”

Alex turned and grabbed John’s hand. “I haven't been able to get you out of my head for the past year. You are the one thing that makes my constant running and fighting and waiting worth it. I spent the night last night, John. I swore I would never wake up next to a guy ever again and I haven't been able to stop wondering about how it would feel to wake up next to you,” he smiled and brushed the hair out John’s eyes. “So, yes, I meant it. Every word.”

They spent the morning cleaning up the apartment, listening to records as they swept up piles of glitter and confetti. The clinking of bottles, the crinkling of plastic cups, and the soft hum of Alex’s voice as he sang along with James Taylor filled the living room as John sifted through a pile of Polaroids he had found scattered across the kitchen floor. John had given Alex a Polaroid camera for his birthday and he had insisted on bringing it everywhere.

It would’ve been adorable if he hadn’t spent the entire night taking pictures of all of their friends when they weren’t looking. There so many of John- laughing, covering his face, drinking his beer. But at the bottom of the pile were dozens of pictures of the two of them caught mid-laugh or mid-kiss. He smiled as he realized they were the kind of photographs that their kids would find twenty years from now, amazed at how young and in love their parents were.

Alex startled John by coming up behind him and wrapping his arms around his waist. “What’cha looking at?”

He grinned and sloppily pecked Alex on the cheek. “Just the pictures you took last night.” He handed the stack to Alex who snorted at his drunken handiwork.

“Some of these are really great,” he mused as he looked at a picture of Jack bent over the toilet while Rian stood behind him wearing a bright pink “Happy New Year!” headband and flashing a smile at the camera with his thumbs up. His expression softened as he got to the photos he had taken of John.

“You know, one of the things I always loved the most about candid photography was that you could really tell if the photographer loved someone by the way they captured them on film. Like… it's so obvious that I’m crazy for you just by the way you’re smiling.”

John kissed him again, then took the photos back and set them on the table, but held up one for Alex to see. They were sitting on the couch, Alex in John’s lap, wearing matching grins as they kissed. Alex’s hands were perfectly framing John’s face, and John’s hands were wrapped around his waist. They looked so blissfully at peace, so in love.

“This one’s my favorite. One of the guys must’ve taken it when we weren’t paying attention,” he mused.

Alex held the picture in his hands and stared at it for a long time. “You know I… I never thought I would ever have something like this,” he admitted softly. “I-I grew up watching my parents tear each other apart every day and I swore that I would never end up in a relationship like theirs. I would never be like my dad. So I tried everything I could to date guys that were nothing like him. Guys that… treated me like shit.

“After years of toxic relationships, I swore off dating altogether. I figured I was just defective. That I wasn’t built to be happy and I would always be the one who kept getting left behind. So I refused to date and slept around and told myself I was happy but deep down I knew that I was just trying to keep myself from falling in love again. And that’s around the time that you came along and made me feel…”

“Safe,” John finished. Alex looked up at him sheepishly and nodded.

“You always have. Ever since we met in 8th-grade Biology when you threatened to beat up Andre Smith because he wouldn’t stop kicking my chair.” Alex beamed up at him and he picked up the bag of bottles again.

John chuckled as he resumed sweeping up the glitter and confetti that had accumulated on the living room floor. “And then we bonded over our Pokémon cards during lunch and I deemed you cool enough to follow around for the rest of the year.”

“I'm glad that you never left me alone, Johnny.”

“You know I'll always be there to verbally harass your bullies for you, Honey.”

“Honey,” Alex repeated with a small smile. “I like that. It’s so soft and wholesome. And gay.”

Alex poked John’s cheek and he rolled his eyes. “Just think of all the things we get to call each other now- baby, darling-”

“Lover.” Alex chided, waggling his eyebrows.

John snorted. “You know what I would really like to call you, though?”

“What?” Alex asked suspiciously.

“My boyfriend. Officially, now that we're both (mostly) sober.”

Alex stopped clinking bottles together and looked over at John, who was attempting to sweep a mound of gold glitter into the dustpan. “Of course. I wouldn't be here cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day when I could be happily in bed, sleeping off this hangover if I wasn't seriously committed to you, darling. You know that.”

So they spent the morning cleaning up the evidence of their fading youth as another year left them behind. Usually, this day just made him feel older, reminding him of all the ways he had wasted the past year. But now he could only find himself looking forward rather than back.

As the sunlight streamed through the windows, John watched Alex dance around his apartment, using the broom as a makeshift microphone. He was so entranced when Alex pulled him close and tried to make him dance, he forgot how to use his feet. They stumbled along together in perfect rhythm, spinning in the golden light of a brand new morning.

As Elvis’ “Can't Help Falling in Love” began to play over the crackly speakers, Alex rested his head on John’s shoulder and sighed happily. “You know, since I was six I've known that this is the song I want to dance to at my wedding. Is that like super corny or what?”

“It's really cute actually.” John kissed the top of his head and held Alex tighter, singing along. His voice was crackly and soft, but he knew that Alex was smiling against the fabric of his sweater. When he got to the last line of the chorus, John cupped Alex’s face in his palms and sang it directly to him. “Take my hand, take my whole life, too. ‘Cause I can't help falling in love with you.”

The next song on the record began playing and they just kept swaying, lost in each other's eyes. John looked down at their entertained hands and chuckled. “You know, it's funny. I used to hate love songs but now I’m kind of obsessed with them. Maybe it's because I finally have something to sing about.”

When they were tired of dancing, John and Alex collapsed into a heap on the couch, tangling themselves in each other’s arms. For the first time in a long while, they savored the quiet. John played with Alex’s hair as he took it all in. He could feel his heartbeat against his back, his breath on his neck, the smell of cologne lingering on his skin. He lost himself in his thoughts for a while as Alex traced the lines on his palms, no doubt making up stories about his future.

What did the future hold, exactly? He wasn't exactly sure. All that he knew was that he felt like he had one now, and that was enough. And he was certain that no matter what happened, Alex was going to be there.

“Thank you, Lex,” he murmured.

“For what?”

“For putting up with me. For being patient with my trauma and pulling me away from my own drama sometimes. For being my best friend and taking care of me, even when I’m a pain in the ass. For... staying.”

Alex kissed him softly. “Johnny-”

“I mean it. All my life, I've always been the one who gets left behind. My parents never acknowledged me. All of my boyfriends abused me and then cast me aside when I wasn't useful to them anymore. Even my closest friends all tend to grow apart or move away but you- you have been my constant. And I don't think I could've survived my childhood without you.”

Alex leaned forward and brushed the tears from the corners of John’s eyes, a gentle smile on his face. “Hey, the past is gone now, Johnny. It can't touch us anymore because we’re starting over- right now, you and me,” he whispered fiercely.

“You promise?”

“I do. I'm going to be there for you to hold your hair back when you're sick with the flu and vomiting all over yourself. I'll be there when you wake up in the morning to kiss you and press my cold feet into your back because I know how much you love that. And I'll be there to sing you to sleep at night. I'll be there to watch reruns of those awful rom-coms on the weekends because I know how much you love them.

“I'll be the one that stays with you after the party is over and everyone else has left or passed out on the couch to help you clean up the bottles because the best part of my night is you. I'm here for the long road, John. It looks like you're stuck with me.”

“Looks like I am, huh?”

They were both grinning when their lips met. And when Alex kissed him, he felt like he was starting over in the best possible way.