Life After (Near)Death

He was alive. Every day Adam woke up he felt profoundly blessed to have woken up to another day. He had never realized how frightening death was until he found himself facing it, especially coming as close as he had recently.

But, what exactly was he afraid of? Immediately, he thought of Kurt and their friends, he would be separated from them, and he would miss them terribly, especially Kurt. Or he assumed he would, he couldn’t imagine he wouldn’t so long as he had some form of consciousness.

And, maybe there was some degree of fear of the unknown in there as well. Death would mark the end of this life and the beginning of what came after. And that was all stuff Adam didn’t tend to think about too much, at least he didn’t before. Perhaps he should have, but he didn’t.

And contemplating what might follow this life’s end, as well as the fact that he was granted the opportunity to stay in this life longer when it could all just as easily have ended, was what had led him to the small hospital chapel. He looked around; for the moment, the room was empty, save for him.

It had been a while since he’d been to a church of any kind, but he still held onto certain beliefs. He believed in God and in life after death, even if facing that latter concept had filled him with far more fear than it probably should have.

He couldn’t shake the sudden feeling that he was spared for a purpose, although he had no sense of what that exact purpose was. It reminded him of learning when he was young that God had a plan for everyone; that was always something that was alternately comforting and confusing. He knew God had a plan, but he’d never figured out what that plan was exactly, or if he was even meant to know. If he were honest, he still had no idea.

He limped closer to the front of the room and looked up at the cross. He didn’t feel as though he were alone in the room anymore. He closed his eyes, overwhelmed by the feeling. Even now, when so much in the world was wrong and destroyed and when he himself had gotten somewhat farther from God than he should have, God had not forsaken him; He still cared for His creation, even when it might seem as though He didn’t.

Adam still prayed from time to time, although not as often as he probably needed to. He’d done so on a few occasions since the world had “ended”. (Something else Adam had considered lately was the idea that the world was still going on and thus to say it had ended was a bit silly. Apparently almost being taken out of the world inspired that sort of existential nitpicking in him.) Of course, if ever there had been a time for prayer it would’ve been when he was sick, but for most of that time he’d been too out of his head.

He wasn’t now though, and he had a lot to give to God, primarily gratitude and lingering fears. As carefully as he could, he knelt before the altar and bowed his head in prayer.

--

As he rose somewhat awkwardly from the floor, he heard soft footsteps behind him. Turning, he saw Kurt standing tentatively in the entrance. Adam smiled at him. “Hello, love.”

“Hey,” Kurt said, “I was looking for you.” He looked around the room. “Didn’t really expect to find you here.”

“I needed to come here,” Adam confessed, “to clear my head and get some guidance.”

Kurt didn’t respond right away, and Adam sensed there was a lot he wasn’t saying. Finally, he said, “I guess that makes sense.” He was staring at the cross, but it was clear it didn’t bring him the same peace it did Adam. “God, does everyone go for this stuff except me?” he muttered.

Adam didn’t respond to the rhetorical question he probably wasn’t even meant to hear. “You said you were looking for me?”

“Oh yeah,” Kurt said, and then turned a bit sheepish, “I didn’t know where you were, and I got worried.”

“Sorry, love, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Adam responded.

“It’s fine,” Kurt responded quickly, “You didn’t do anything wrong; it’s just me being neurotic and clingy… because apparently that’s who I am now.”

Adam slowly started to close the gap between them, and Kurt met him halfway. He took Kurt into his arms and held him close for a moment. “I think you can be forgiven for those traits given the state of the world nowadays. Besides that, I wouldn’t say that’s who you are entirely, or even mostly.”

Kurt looked down and nodded. When he looked back at Adam, his face bore an odd expression, caught somewhere between sarcastic and awkward. “So, uh, this isn’t one of those ‘I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and now I’m a Bible thumper’ kinda things, is it?”

“No, it isn’t,” Adam said simply, “Nor is it a case of ‘there are no atheists in foxholes.’”

“Oh, good, that was my next question,” Kurt said dryly.

“Although almost dying does give one a different perspective on the matter… on all things really,” Adam added. When Kurt made no immediate response, he explained, “I’ve always had faith and a belief in God to some degree or another… everything that’s going on now and me almost dying didn’t change anything as far as that’s concerned, except perhaps bringing me closer to it.”

“I just don’t get that,” Kurt said, “I mean, it’s the end of the world.”

“And yet, we’re still here, and the world keeps going in spite of its supposed end,” Adam said.

“And you think God cares about His creation that He’s apparently decided to trash?” Kurt questioned.

“I know He cares, even if I don’t always understand why things happen the way they do,” Adam answered.

“I guess that’s where the whole faith thing comes in,” Kurt commented. He paused. “How do you reconcile the whole gay thing?” His wording was somewhat deliberate, as if he’d gone through multiple drafts of that very question and went with the most diplomatic version he had.

“I was always taught that God has a plan for everyone—not that I’ve got a clue what that plan actually is, mind—but I figure if my being gay went against God’s plan then I either wouldn’t be gay or I’d have felt compelled to try to change or do something about it. That’s as good an answer as I’ve got.”

“And that’s good enough for you? You don’t ever, like, worry that you’re wrong?” Kurt seemed almost concerned and more than a little baffled.

“Of course I get worried sometimes, not terribly often but, yes, sometimes. I don’t think there’s a gay Christian alive who doesn’t,” Adam replied honestly.

Kurt seemed to be considering something. “So, then, you believe in an afterlife.”

Adam nodded. “And by all rights, I shouldn’t have been so scared to enter into it, but, um, apparently I am.”

“Yeah, you might’ve mentioned that when you were sick,” Kurt told him, his tone indicated that Adam certainly had.

“Ah, of course I did.” He didn’t remember it, but a lot of his trip to this place was hazy in his mind. “It probably shouldn’t scare me like it does though. I don’t even fully understand why it frightens me as much as it does.”

“Because death and dying are scary! It makes perfect sense to me!” Kurt responded. “Then again… I don’t believe in an afterlife so…” He paused. “Death means losing people. It means that unless we go at the same time, we get separated; I think that’s what really scares me… And you might have hope that you can see everyone you’ve lost again, but I don’t—hell, I wish I did sometimes—but I don’t really… So, if-if I lose you then as far as I know you’re gone forever.”

Adam studied him with concern. Kurt’s painfully bleak views were as perplexing to him as his own faith must have been to Kurt, and it hurt him to think that Kurt saw the world in such grim terms, but he supposed for Kurt it wasn’t sad so much as it was reality. “Well, when you put it like that… What am I so afraid of then?” Adam remarked. More seriously, he added, “I don’t like the thought of being separated either, for the record. I think that’s a big part of why I was so afraid to die, why I still am.”

“That’s why you’re not allowed to die as long as I’m alive,” Kurt told him, “So, I hope you got it out of your system.”

Adam smiled. “I hope so, too. Believe me, I’m not in any hurry to go, and I’m hoping that being spared from this is a sign that I won’t have to any time soon.”

“Guess you’ll have to pray on it,” Kurt said.

“S’pose I will,” Adam responded.