Three Guys and a TV Show

Episode 2 - Venison on the Beach

[Scene 1 opens with the guys driving past the “Welcome to California” sign. Their car smells terribly bad and the guys, starving, now-homeless, and completely worn out, are feeling desperate.]

Cory
I seriously feel like I’ve pooped enough in the last 24 hours to fill up the trunk of the car.

Dave
Hey, do you think that’s where they came up with the term, “junk in the trunk?”

Steve
Not at all what that means.

Cory
Hey, hey, hey!! There’s the sign.

Steve
BOOOOM!!

Dave
Oh yeah, bring on the hipsters!

Steve
Ehh, I forgot about hipsters...should we turn around?

Dave
You know what they always say, “California is always worth the drive.”

Steve
Is it? Is that really what they say?

Cory
I don’t know about you guys but I’ve been in this car for way too long. I’m thinking we need to go straight to the beach.

Steve
Yes!

Dave
I’m down but I’m not taking my shirt off.

[The guys pull up to a red light at an intersection. A convertible pulls up next to them with a few attractive ladies listening to music. Steve catches Dave looking over at the ladies and beeps the horn extremely loud quickly embarrassing Dave. Cory and Steve have a good laugh but Dave is determined. He rolls down his window…]

Dave
We’re going to be famous one day. Writing our own TV show.

Woman #1
Well, you guys smell like a sewer.

Woman #2
Yeah I’m feeling nauseous...I mean I haven’t eaten in two days but that smell is killing what appetite I have left.

Woman #3
See you losers later.
[The ladies take off quickly in their car and leave all of the guys a bit discouraged.]

Dave
What a welcome party.

Cory
Yeah, seriously.

Steve
Hey, the good coming from this situation is that now we know that our car smells like a huge duffle bag.

Cory
Which means we smell like huge duffle bags.

Dave
If I had a choice I’d rather not smell like a duffle bag but at least we’re in this together.

Steve
Just another reason why we need to hit the beach.

[The guys make their way to the beach and eventually pull into the parking lot. They park and start walking toward the sand]

Steve
I’m never sure why I come to the beach. It all sounds great until I get here and then I want to fight everyone.

Dave
That’s fair.

Cory
C’mon the beach is great! I mean the sand sucks and sometimes it smells like when I mix a huge bowl of tuna fish and then forget it in the refrigerator for a few weeks. I’m not gonna lie though, I’ve eaten it before...because sushi and all.

Steve
Nope. Complete opposite of sushi actually. Sushi is raw fish, not old fish soaked in rancid mayonnaise.

Dave
Remind me to never let you make us lunch. Or go grocery shopping. Or touch any of our food, ever really.

Cory
Okay now that I’m walking on the sand I’m liking the beach less and less. Somehow only the bottom of my shoes have touched the sand and yet I have, what feels like, at least a ¼ cup of sand in each shoe.

Dave
I have no idea how that happens but it definitely happens.

Steve
First mistake: wearing shoes to the beach. The main idea here is to walk on the sand with your bare feet...then you wash your feet off on the very convenient wash stations that they have. You dry your feet and then put your shoes back on. Total rookie move.

Dave
That sounds like a lot of work. That’s why I like concrete...it stays in one place and that place is not inside my shoes.

Cory
Nice. I see what you did there.

Dave
So where are we going here Survivorman?

Cory
I’m just out here trying to get the smell off. Where we going Steve?

Steve
I say we’ve walked far enough. You’d be surprised how fast the crappy sea smell replaces any other odor that’s overtaken you.

Dave
Look! Isn’t that the crazy guy with the RV that we saw at the gas station and then when Cory was dumping on the side of the road?

Cory
Oh, you mean the guy that is going to skin us alive and wear us as suits? Yeah I’m 90% sure that’s him.

Steve
What’s his name again?

Dave
He said Bill something I think?

Cory
So, Bill.

Steve
Yeah but he’s crazy...we can’t just call him Bill.

Dave
A lot of good serial killers had simple names.

Cory
What about Billiam? You know a simple combination of simple names.

Steve
It’s a good start but also, I hate it.

Dave
Okay, okay, what about Hipster Bill?

Cory
Nah, he’s not a hipster. He totally looks like a hipster and dresses like a hipster but he doesn’t have that douce-baggery about him. Plus, I haven’t heard him say anything about sustainable farming or coffee shops that aren’t Starbucks.

Steve
Yeah that’s true. He’s also never used the word “mainstream” in a negative connotation.

Dave
Wow, I stand corrected...definitely not a hipster. Can we all agree that we should at least go and say thanks for the t-shirt?

Cory
I think that’s a terrible idea but whatever you guys think.

Steve
How bad could it be? We’re in a super-public place.

[The guys walk over to Bill the Thrill’s RV to say thank you for the help yesterday when they were on the road. The guys get closer to Thrill’s RV to find out that he has the sounds of helicopters flying playing on a small radio outside the RV.]

Dave
Okay...well...I’m starting to think that maybe this isn’t the best decision we’ve ever made.

Cory
Thank you! Was it the raper-camper or the helicopter rotors mixed with machine-gun fire that finally tipped you off?

Steve
I don’t know what you guys are so worried about. I’m thinking that this old man is making a lot of sense...role model of sorts if you will.

Dave
While there’s no debating that you will absolutely end up like this crazy, old guy I’d kind of like to live, at the very least, long enough to see the rest of California.

Cory
We’re almost there...what do we say? How do you start a conversation with this man?

Dave
I’ll tell you: You ask him where the bodies are and then you brace for impact. Possibly throw up gang signs...okay I’m not even sure anymore.

Steve
Z-10 Attack Helicoptor?

Bill the Thrill
Bell AH-1 SuperCobra.

Steve
Ahh.

Bill the Thrill
So where you boys headed?

Dave
Nowhere with you.

Cory
Sorry, just the fear talking.

Steve
We thought we would come over and say thank you for the t-shirt you lent Cory over here.

Cory
Great, now he knows my name.

Bill the Thrill
[Thrill says this looking into the distance without blinking...like he’s real serious about it. He talks without really addressing anyone specific.]

You ever take those multivitamins? Turns your urine a fluorescent green. Reminds me of my infection during the Vietnam War.

Dave
Were you talking to us there...or?

Bill the Thrill
[Thrill interrupts Dave by throwing a huge chunk of meat that start to sizzle loudly on an open fire he has going next to his RV.]

Most people think that the hind quarters are useless but you can use them to bait bears or other carnivores for your next meal.

Cory
Not sure what to do with that either.

Steve
So what you got going on there… [not sure what to call him]

Bill the Thrill
Bill. Friends...well what I got left of them...call me Thrill. Bill the Thrill.

Steve
Well, nice to officially meet you Thrill.

[Steve leans in and shakes Thrill’s hand but the open flame flares up really high and makes the guys jump back.]

Dave
I’m done. This is ridiculous.

Cory
Yeah, my eyebrows are more important than this.

Steve
Guys wait! We at least owe him a thank you and some uninvested small-talk. Plus I’ve got a good feeling about this.

Dave
A good feeling?! I can think of a lot of other things that bring up good feelings. Also, I’m pretty sure that’s a deer carcass he just threw on the fire.

Bill the Thrill
You boys hungry?

Cory
Not at all.

Dave
You have my attention.

Steve
What are we talking here Thrill? Steak, pork chops...meatloaf maybe?

Bill the Thrill
Venison. From the road.

Dave
You have lost my attention.

Steve
So from the road you mean that you bought it at a store on the way here?

Cory
Is that really your first thought Steve?

Bill the Thrill
Killed it myself.

Dave
Something tells me that you have a gun but this killing wasn’t necessarily a planned hunting trip.

Bill the Thrill
[Thrill walks over to his RV and slaps it a couple times like you would pat an old friend on the back.]

She’s fed me for the last 25 years. More than I can say for any woman.

[Thrill stands and looks at the RV without moving or talking for an awkward amount of time.]

Cory
I think she might have done more than fed him for 25 years.

Bill the Thrill
Just grab yourself a chunk and let’s have a talk.

Steve
I was trying to be nice. Trying to have a conversation here but I’m thinking this is even where I have to draw the line.

Dave
So it took being offered road-kill buy a creepy old war vet to scare you off?

Cory
That explains why Steve is so good with business transactions...seems like he’s willing to put up with an unlimited amount of awkward conversations and uncomfortably long pauses.

Dave
I see it happening right in front of my eyes yet I still don’t know how he does it...or why he does it really.

Steve
Look, Thrill, it’s been real average...dare I say above average, officially meeting you today but we need to go find some real food and a place to live.

Dave
[Dave acts like he is breaking up with a girlfriend. Walks up to Thrill and puts his hand on his shoulder.]

We’re obviously in different social classes so this would have never worked out. My family and your family...if you have one...we just never would have made it Thrill.

[The guys are trying to break the conversation with Thrill but they just can’t get away. Steve tells the guys he’ll be in the car and walks off mid conversation with Thrill.]

Bill the Thrill
I’ve never passed up a free meal...golden rule if I have one. When I played drums in 60s I used to drink a lot. Vietnam was...

[Cory walks away next and Dave is stuck talking to Thrill for some time. Thrill’s voice starts to fade and the scene goes into Dave’s thoughts about how he can get out of the situation.]

Dave
Why do I always seem to find myself in these situations? There should be some kind of social training for this kind of stuff. No, that’s stupid...this is not my fault. This is his fault. He has no clue about anything and no respect for anything or anyone else’s time. Stupid idiot with your idiot face and idiot nose...out here wasting precious moments of my life. I’ll never get this time back...ever. I could be doing something with my life right now. This is the reason I didn’t finish college right here. I would have time to finish but this fool. Agh! Why does this always happen to me?
God, if you love me please just kill this joker standing in front of me. I will build a golden statue of you in his place, I will stop eating fast food, I’ll go to church every Sunday...okay every three Sundays. I’ll stop throwing litter in the ocean and I’ll only drive 10-15 miles per hour over the speed limit from now on if you just kill him right now.

[Dave looks out at the water and he sees a bird dive and snatch a fish right out of the ocean.]

Murder...that’s it. A sign from God. The guys aren’t watching and nobody is around...I could throw some sand in his eyes and leg sweep him. Maybe he bounces his head off of a rock or maybe he slips on the deer blood that’s all over the ground. Blood...wow this is perfect. He could fall and bleed out and nobody would even think twice about it…

[Dave starts to hear Thrills voice again]

Bill the Thrill
...Free rent for a month.

Dave
Wait, what did you just say?

Bill the Thrill
I own that apartment complex over there and I can get you boys your first month for free.

Dave
Okay is this Vietnam talking or are you serious?

Bill the Thrill
Serious as a heart attack.

Dave
Guys! Come here real quick. We’ve got a place to stay tonight.

Steve
I know you’ve wanted to sleep in that RV since you first saw it but that ain’t me son.

Dave
No! Over there.

[Dave points to a small apartment complex a block away from the beach. It looks clean and safe and the guys are surprised.]

Cory
No way. He’s lying. This is just the adult version of the van and the candy...I’m calling the cops.

Dave
What do we have to lose? Let’s at least check it out.

Steve
Our lives. We have our lives to lose.

Cory
Well I do have a lot of debt.

Steve
What does that mean? That death would be better than debt?

Cory
I’m sure there’s a certain number where one would welcome death.

Bill the Thrill
There’s just one thing before we go over and check it out: a quick tenant interview.

Dave
What are we talking here Thrill?

Bill the Thrill
Just a meal and some easy questions.

Steve
Seems legit. Let’s set up a time.

Bill the Thrill
I was thinking right here, right now.

Cory
Well we’re free enough to talk but too busy to eat whatever you got going on there.

Dave
Let’s not rule anything out too quick. You have any ketchup over there Thrill?

Bill the Thrill
Make my own. I’ve got some in this mason jar.

Dave
Actually…

Cory
Dave, what’s the plan here man? You really planning on eating that meal with this dude?

Steve
It might not be that bad. What if he really can get us in there to get started? If it really is available it won’t be for long. I’ve done a lot worse for a lot less.

Dave
Need to hear that story later.

Cory
Definitely. Definitely the story but not this.

Steve
Whoever eats gets to move in...providing that this really is the real deal.

Cory
And whoever doesn’t eat?

Steve
I hear the beach is comfortable at night this time of year.

Dave
I can agree on that.

Steve
Agreed?

Cory
If I get sick again from eating this I’m buying a gun and killing all of you.

Steve
Alright then, sounds like we all agree.

Dave
Let’s get that free rent!

Cory
[Shakes his head in disbelief of what he and the guys are about to partake in]

Bill the Thrill
First question: sit down and have some of this meat with me.

Dave
Not a question.

Steve
Definitely not a question.

Cory
He’s gone guys...you can’t even see the soul in his eyes any longer. So are we seriously still going to do this?

[Dave and Cory are looking at the road-kill venison in disgust. They look over to find Steve with meat in his teeth and BBQ sauce all over his face. He goes to grab a second piece but stops mid reach realizing that Cory and Dave are throwing some super judgement his way.]

Steve
What’s the problem?

Dave
You done?

Steve
Man’s gotta eat okay. I can’t live on Skittles and beef jerky alone…

Cory
Oh really?

Steve
Yeah that’s a lie. Those two basically cover all of my dietary needs. We’re talking the entire pyramid here.

Dave
So, Thrill, does this cover “question” number one? Although we are three different guys I think Steve’s actions speak for us all here.

Bill the Thrill
You boys aren’t even going to try this home-cooked meal?

Cory
I think we’re using the term “home-cooked” a little loosely here aren’t we?

Dave
Yeah I was thinking the same thing. Alright look, we’ll each take one bite and we call it good for your first question or demand or whatever we have going on here.

[Cory and Dave look at each other and each bite into the venison that they picked off of the fire pit. Dave starts to talk as he’s trying to chew.]

Dave
Wow...that’s...soo...good. [sarcastically]. How do you not have your own food truck out here?

Cory
Totally, this is like a mix of all the meats that nobody can find in any grocery stores.

Steve
Now Thrill, do you cook the tail of the deer as well?

Bill the Thrill
Normally, yes. Unfortunately this time the tail was ripped clean off. I’m assuming it got stuck in the front radiator grille and...pop. There she goes. It’s a shame though; deer tail and grilled pineapples go good together.

Steve
I’m going to stop you right there. You lost me at pineapples.

Dave
Oh, he lost you at pineapples did he? The words “tail ripped clean off” had no impact on your cold, dark heart?

Cory
Well there we go, I’ve had my fill. How about those keys Thrill?

[Cory shows Thrill the bone with the meat completely gone. Camera shows a dog behind Thrill’s back shaking its head like a psycho trying to rip the deer meat apart.]

Bill the Thrill
Boys, I’ve gotta be honest here. I’m not really sure where that meat came from or what it was really. She, or he really, was laying right here in the sun when I pulled up about three or four hours ago.

[Camera shows the dog dropping over dead behind Thrill’s back]

I’m here to teach you all a lesson about finding good things when you least expect them. You see, life is all about these short moments where you see things and then they come to life...like a robot. From there it’s really all up to us whether or not we buy the train ticket and boogie downtown or uptown or across town. My point is this: life is really short and we’ll all be dead soon so it’s good to feel the blood between your toes.

Steve
Wow.

Dave
I’ve learned so much in these past forty seconds I’m at a loss for words, or thoughts, or everything really. I’m dumber. That’s what it is. Forty seconds, forty IQ points down the drain.

Bill the Thrill
Thanks boys...you’ve all seemed to make my day. Here’s your keys now.

[Thrill pulls the keys from deep down in his pocket and throws them to Cory. Cory leans out of the way not wanting to touch anything that Thrill has had his hands on.]