I Don't Want to Fall in Love... With You

After not seeing Elijah for four or five days, I kept myself preoccupied with texting Toby. Turns out, once you put aside the stuttering and the googly eyes, I was able to have a real conversation with him. Every so often, he'd spurt a random fact or two, but they were few and far between. He could be sweet when he wanted to.

Finally, after multiple exchanges promising a movie and snacks, he fulfilled it. He sent texts without the use of Emojis, which let me know he was serious, and he asked me to come to his to watch Harry Potter.

Geeky things were Emily's territory, so I had no idea what I was going to experience. Truth be told, I wasn't too fond of films that were outside of period dramas. My taste in flicks and books were the same, I preferred older stuff to what's hot.

I was Skyping said best friend, telling her my plans, as she counted tales of what she calculated to come out of tonight. She was supposed to be helping me pick out what to wear, but she was too busy living in dreamland.

"What are you wanting to happen? A heavy make-out session? Upstairs fondling or maybe," She edged closer toward the camera, so much so that I could see her nostril hair. "The full Monty?"

I guffawed, taking out a lime tee, that she flicked off.

"No! We're..." I paused, mind-reeling, but I thought better against what I was originally going to detail. "He's aware that this is just a friendly meet-up, so there will be no fondling of any kind."

She blew out her mouth. "You're boring."

"Hey, you haven't had much experience yourself, why am I getting goaded?"

"Because, girl, one of us needs some excitement in our lives. We're just losers if we don't."

I put down the top I'd just picked, facing her squarely. Her big bug eyes were staring at the floor, where her legs dangled off from the edge of her bed. I was glad her hair was in braids, as this way she couldn't hide from me.

"Hey," I kept my voice soft, and she raised her head till those glassy eyes held my own. "We're not losers. So, what if we don't go out on a million dates? We've got the rest of our lives for that."

She sighed, but I could see the threat of a smile on her rosy lips.

"Yeah, I guess so," She pulled her head back up, eyes going wide for a second. "Oh! That top, wear that. Toby will go wild."

I examined the piece of clothing I had unconsciously grabbed. It was an old thing, something I'd perhaps only donned twice in my life. It wasn't like there was anything wrong with it, but I quickly recognized why I wasn't fond of it.

It was a halter; black velvet with the lightest sprinkle of glitter massaged throughout. Nothing too flashy, but it showed more cleavage than I was comfortable with.

"No way! Remember this is a friendly hang-out, I don't want to send mixed signals."

"Dear, you're already doing that by looking the way you do." She rolled her eyes.

Sticking my tongue out at her, I realized the time and we bid adieu. When I hung up, I immediately got to brushing my hair, which I knew would be a losing game, but I didn't surrender until the only time I had left was enough to change clothes.

As I admired myself in my fox jumper and black jeans, for some reason, my eyes kept betraying me and landing on the halter neck.

Putting it on would give Toby the wrong idea, I mused, I couldn't do that to him.

However, it seemed like tonight was another occasion for me to act like an idiot. I snatched it off its hanger and it fit snugly, which just made me inwardly curse myself more.

Throwing on a leather jacket, I zipped it right up, as I bounded for the front door.

"Hey, cornflake, we were just about to call you down. Your mother and I were about to play a game of Parcheesi, think you can beat the master?" He grinned triumphantly, placing the board down on the coffee table.

I still wasn't used to having him here 24/7. Since he'd only go to the farm during school hours, he was waiting on me every time I got home.

My dad, the farmer, who'd have thunk it? He used to avoid getting his hands dirty at any chance.

Pocketing my phone, I shrugged.

"Sorry, I actually have somewhere to be." Heading for the door, I stopped when it was my mom's voice soaring for me.

"Honey, your dad hasn't seen you in–"

"Well, whose fault is that?" Instantly regretting that, I bit my lip. "I actually... have a date."

My parents locked eyes with me, neither opting in to set a rule or curfew. Since I got the feeling they weren't about to say anything soon, I told them I'd be back before eleven and barged for the door again.

"Is he cute!?"

Popping only my head around, I smiled at my mother. She and I didn't usually communicate, but I couldn't help feeling like she wouldn't be interested if dad wasn't here.

And that hurt. A lot.

But, ever since the day he upped and left us, I'd been good at wearing masks. Whenever somebody asked how we were hoping, I'd present my brightest smile and claim everything was great. And they'd believe it, because I was an expert at it by now.

I could lie to anyone in this city without the fear they'd see through the ghost, but I hadn't ever done it to mom. There were few people in this world who'd stuck by my side, but she had been my only constant, even if her heart wasn't in it.

So, I wasn't about to falsify my plans to her. If my dad was here to stay, then it was best I get back on track.

"It's Toby Winston."

Jeremy made a face that was clearly confusion.

"The kid with the stutter? I thought you never liked him."

I shrugged again. "We grew up."

Sensing their hush as agreement, I was finally able to set foot outside. Luckily, the weather was playing nice and the slight breeze carried me to Toby's house.

I guess I was also glad he only lived a few blocks away, otherwise I'd be extremely tardy.

True to his word, Toby prepared us strawberry flavoured popcorn and already had his television projecting images of a kid waving a wand to the camera.

The Winston house wasn't much to talk about. It was bright and beautiful, and distinctly stunk of honeysuckle, but it wasn't made of grandeur. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was only slightly larger than my own, which was set in a small cul-de-sac.

His parents were working night-shift so, apart from his six-year old brother sleeping upstairs, we were alone.

I took off my jacket, self-conscious about the item of clothing I chose all over again. I wasn't sure if this was appropriate or not.

If it was, Toby didn't stare.

"Oh." I input, it wasn't much, but it was all I could muster on the subject of our solitude.

"I-I wouldn't worry. C-Chester is a heavy s-s-sleeper." He made a face close to a smile, but I couldn't be too sure. His mouth was too straight.

He didn't tip-toe around why I was here either, once the popcorn was made and we had the rest of the snacks lying on the cushion separating us, he pressed play on the movie.

An hour in, between all the spell-casting and British accents, my attention drifted to him. Slouching, his hand absent-mindedly diving for the popcorn bowl, the voices from the monitor dulled and became nothing but a low, or silent, frequency.

Tipping the contents into his mouth, he chewed only a few times before his eyes slowly caught me. I noticed his body language change, a completely one-eighty from the relaxed state he'd been in earlier.

"W-what?"

I was prepared to tell him something bedazzling, but I found out that I couldn't form any shape with my mouth. There were so many things I wanted to ask, to express but as it turns out, life even got in the way of simply watching a movie with a friend.

In the end, I shook my head.

"Doesn't matter, it's not important." I stated, watching the screen once again. Harry and his friends were trying to get under a trapdoor guarded by a three-headed dog. My eyes narrowed.

Then, the scene turned still, as I distinguished that my friend had pressed pause. I mentally groaned as he began to set the remote down, his head titled, trying to get a read on me.

"O-o-o–" He grumbled, exhaling loud. "Of course it's important, b-because y-you are."

I swallowed, my chest aching as my eyes roamed all over him. Most boys said stuff like that because they knew it was the easiest route into a girl's pants. Nobody really meant it.

But Toby did. He gazed at me like I was a diamond in among a cave of sapphire, like I was the missing piece to whatever two-thousand jigsaw he was completing. I had never been the sole center of anybody's attention before, not even Elijah's.

The fact that we hadn't defined... whatever we had... I didn't think anybody could fault me for being confused. Neither of us knew what we wanted, but if we weren't exclusive, then what was I holding on for?

"Why?" I croaked.

"Why what?"

"Why do you like me? Why does anyone? I'm not the prettiest, or the smartest, so what is it about me that guys are noticing that I'm not?"

At first, it was just him. For a while, I'd been aware of Toby's crush on me. I couldn't exactly pinpoint when it started, or when I spotted it, but I saw it plainly as a stage of puberty. I was a girl he'd get over as soon as the next pair of fully-developed breasts bounced by, left in the dust where I belonged.

But all this time, it hadn't dissipated. If anything, it had been put under microscope and magnified tenfold. It had never bordered on obsessive or dangerous, but instead of making me feel desirable, it had the opposite effect.

In the morning when I woke, I'd look in the mirror and I saw a liar. A doll with a plastered-on face. Nothing I did was real, all my acts were premeditated... I could never belong in his world.

Now there was Ryan and Elijah, whose worlds were even further out of reach of mine. Where one was a popular jock that was way out of anyone's league, the other I could never be realistic about. Either way, if I had to make a choice, they'd already been made before I got to them. I could never be what they deserved.

And the question currently on my mind was:

Did I even deserve anyone?

God knows I'd been treating Emily like trash. Seeing her dad was bad enough, but then not feeling guilty about it was worse. I was the reason a grown man was violating the law, and I knew she'd be furious when she discovered our secret.

Because, as abundantly as I never wanted either of us to see the day, she would find out eventually. That's life. It dangled temptation in our faces, only for one day to pull the carpet beneath.

I liked having my feet firmly in place, knowing which direction I'd point myself in.

Toby leaned in a little, not much that would be deemed uncomfortable, and trapped me.

"B-because I see you," When my eyes narrowed again, he did that small half-smile. "I s-see how good you are, w-what you do, how you carry yourself. And I..."

Folding his hands, he cocked his head more, appearing smaller than he already was.

"I know I-I'm not a vision of g-greatness, but you are. I don't need you to l-like me, because how can you? You h-h-have to appreciate yourself first. When you do, y-you will see why I like you."

Wiping my face because I knew my cheek was wet, I dropped my head. What he said was sweet... how could I believe him when I didn't believe it myself?

Knowing, he pulled me in and hugged me. To say it was strange was something I thought I'd never mutter. He and I had never shared anything more than a Reece's Cup, so this huge step in our relationship understandably threw everything off balance.

Hiking my head up from his aftershave slavered neck, I scoured his face only briefly before I jumped to cover his lips with mine.

The strawberry of the popcorn attacked my tastebuds and I threw my arms around his neck to ensure it stayed. Without hesitation, he kissed me back, harder than I was used to.

I didn't even realize I was straddling him until I heard the scatter of sweets and popcorn on the floor.

The way he touched me, delicately and undemanding, I didn't know what to do with it. He was soft, his hands looking to explore but remaining tentative. I guess that I surprised him when I placed them close to my chest. He traced my ribs instead.

I didn't know I was only hungry for some love until his mouth found my neck. His lips secured around my jugular and tightened, straining my veins and he begged to drink them dry.

Sometimes I wished Elijah would do this, as if marking his territory.

Fuck. Why was I even thinking about him?

The sudden tingly feeling that arose from downstairs led to me grinding on Toby's lap. He moaned against my skin, hands clamping firmer around my waist, keeping me close.

My hands descended to attend to the standing ovation he gave me, in time for his lips to detach themselves from me far too soon.

"W-what are you doing?" He was breathless, somehow reminding me that I was too.

"What does it look like?"

He pouted, the protruding vein in his neck pulsating in rhythm with my own.

"I don't want to." He whispered, slowly removing his hands from my flesh. I hadn't even felt that he'd rolled my shirt up, it stopped just before the underwire of my bra.

I recoiled slightly. I had to admit, even though I never thought much of him before now, that hurt more than any old regular insult.

My thoughts had become so chaotic, I could no longer distinguish which ones I should listen to.

In a fight with them and staying here, rejected by the only boy who'd fought for me, I slipped off him and stood up.

"Okay." I pretended to look at my watch, then grabbed my jacket. "It's pretty late, I should be going. Thanks for the film, it was... whatever." I ended.

"W-wait! Anya."

Rotating to face him again, he backed off at the sight of my scowl.

"We n-need to talk."

I rolled my eyes, zipping my jacket up. "No, we don't. I was an idiot to think you were different."

"I am."

I scoffed. Maybe I wasn't being fair here. I mean, after all, he'd already come to terms that nothing was going to come of us, then I jumped his bones. My hot and cold behavior would drive anyone crazy.

I knew I was in the wrong, but still, for some reason, it was easier to blame him.

"No, that speech you made, it was a ruse to make me think you were, but you're a guy, right? You don't really give a shit."

Not giving him second chance to stall me, I slammed the door on my way out of there.