Him and I

It was after midnight local time when the team's flight landed in Vegas after a game in Montreal. It had been just over a week since James’s last conversation with Alex, since he told her to not be there when he got back. Since the day the page six article had ran, a hardness had fallen over his heart. He had barely spoken to any of his teammates and he took all the anger he felt onto the ice with him. His coach had threatened to bench him for all the stupid and asinine penalties he had taken in the four games since.

He hadn’t spoken to Alex since that day. He hadn’t had any nasty phone calls from John who surely knew what had happened since she was with him when the messages had been sent, had gotten not one text or call from PK who she would have seen by then during her trip to Nashville, and not another word came out of Steven. He had a sinking feeling what the silence meant and he was not looking forward to going home but he dragged himself to his car and made the drive home anyway.

When he pulled in the driveway, Alex's car sat in the driveway but the house was completely dark. It looked like her car was in the exact place he remembered seeing it before leaving on the road trip. He didn’t know what he would find inside but there was no use putting it off any longer. Sliding his key into the lock, he pushed the door open and turned on the light.

The first thing he noticed was that the pile of Alex's shoes that usually sat by the door were gone. It made his stomach turn. When he ventured further into the house, he noticed other things were missing. Pictures from the wall of her and Katharyn at For Goodness Cakes. The shelves in the corner were cleared of every miniature cupcake that she collected. In the kitchen, the space where her mixer sat was empty. That made the bile rise up in his throat.

He was still holding his bags so he dropped them in the middle of the kitchen and ran up the stairs. Throwing on the light in the bedroom, he choked back a sob when he saw it.

The top of her dresser was cleared off, her little jewelry box gone. He pulled open every drawer. Empty. Empty. Empty. Empty. In the closet, her side empty. In the bathroom all her perfumes and lotions were gone.

Walking back to the bedroom, his eye caught on something shiny from the bed. He approached and gingerly lifted the bracelet. Her bracelet, the one he gave her when he admitted his truth in a letter, the letter that set them down this path. He put it in his pocket and sank down onto the mattress.

She was gone.

And he only had himself to blame.



James slept late the next morning. Alex was his alarm clock and she always made sure he was up when he needed to be. When he awoke, it was with a heavy heart. The last time he spoke to Alex had been by text because he hadn't been able to work up the courage to hear her voice that day. He really missed her voice.

It was Steven’s text that sent him over the edge that day a week ago.

Inevitable. That's what he had said and he was right. He had stared at the pictures of John and Alex for hours. Him holding her. Him kissing her forehead. They were intimate and tender and they all felt inevitable. Of course Alex would see through all of his bullshit and fall for John. John was a good guy, and Alex deserved a guy like John. James had known her for years without waking up to see what was right in front of him and he had gone after it when she was with someone else. This was karma getting her sweet revenge. At least that's what he convinced himself in his mind when he sent the text telling her to be gone before he got back.

James spent the day wallowing in self loathing, clutching Alex's pillow that still held a faint trace of her smell. He picked up his phone a half a dozen times to call her but always put it down. It was over. He had made it this way. Now he had to live with it.

The next day James went to practice and after, his coach called him into his office.

“Is everything alright, James?”

“I broke up with my girlfriend,” he replied numbly.

“Over those pictures?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Do you really believe that she was cheating on you?”

James blew out a breath. “No, sir.”

“Did you tell her that?”

“No. I said a lot of stupid shit to her. Stuff I regret.”

“You should tell her that. I'm sure you can fix it together. She's a special girl and those girls don't come along often. Don't lose her.”

“I think I already did.”

“Then you fight and you don't quit until you get her back.”

James nodded. “Thanks, coach.”

He left coach's office and the practice facility to head home. He didn't feel like hanging out with his teammates. He hadn't been home five minutes when there was a knock at the door. He opened it to find Flower on the other side.

“You need to stop moping and talk to Alex,” he said as he walked inside.

“Hey, Flower, how are you?” James said instead.

The goalie rolled his eyes at him. “Have you talked to her at all?”

“No. But she's gone. She came back and got her things.”

Flower shook his head sadly. “She didn't come back. She called Vero and mailed her her key. V packed and shipped everything to Dallas.”

“Dallas?” James asked in confusion. “But Alex lives in Nashville.”

“I don't think she's been to Nashville.”

“Of course she has. That's where she was going after New York, to see Kathryn and bake.” He grabbed his phone from his pocket and dialed PK.

“What do you want?” PK answered gruffly.

“Subby, Alex is with you, right?”

“Alex never came.”

James was shocked. Alex loved Nashville and she hadn’t been back since they had gotten to Vegas. She had had this trip circled on her calendar for ages. “What? Why?”

“If I had to guess it's because of you. John dropped her off at the airport with a ticket to fly to Nashville but she never came to Nashville. She changed her ticket. I don't know where she is.”

“Have you...have you talked to her?”

“Yes.”

“How is she?”

“Like you fucking care.”

“I do,” James insisted.

“By accusing her of sleeping around on you with John?” PK laughed harshly. “Yeah, sounds like you care a lot. Go to hell, James.”

“Subby,” he pleaded.

“Just wait until we play each other next month. You're fucking dead, Neal.”

PK hung up and James stared at his phone. “That didn't sound like it went well,” Flower observed.

“I think PK hates me and that guy doesn't hate anyone.”

“You thought he would take lightly you accusing Alex of cheating on you, of kicking her out of your home?”

“How do you know that?”

“She told Vero everything, James. And Vero told me. And if she told Vero then you know she told PK and Steven. You messed up.”

He looked around the house, which felt so empty despite all the things he owned. “Yeah, I messed up.”



A week passed. James went through the motions of life but all he could think of was Alex. Eventually he worked up the nerve to call her but when he tried to call he it went straight to voicemail. His texts went unanswered. He called John who wouldn’t answer. He only sent a text.

If you think I could hurt you like that, if you think Alex of all people could hurt you like that, then I was wrong about you and I don’t want to speak to you.

He wasn’t wrong. James had spent a lot of time thinking and he knew how wrong he was. He didn’t understand what made his head jump to the places it had when he knew in his heart that what he and Alex had was solid, and no one, not even a perfect disney prince like John Tavares was going to come between them.

You’re right. James texted back. I am a fuck up. I’m sorry.

His phone rang. John’s name lit up the screen.

“I'm sorry,” James repeated.

“I know you’re sorry,” John’s voice came over the line. “But you’re telling the wrong person.”

“She won’t take my calls or answer my texts.”

“She blocked your number.”

“Oh. Is she....is she with you, in New York I mean?”

“You don’t know?”

“I know she didn’t go to Nashville. I called PK. He’s going to end my life if he has the chance next month.”

“He was looking forward to seeing her. He misses the both of you more than he’ll admit. He’s got his teammates of course but having you and Alex was like having family.”

“When we picked up Malcolm off waivers he called Alex and asked her to look after him. She took it to heart.”

“Of course she did; that’s Alex. It’s part of why you fell in love with her.”

“Yeah,” James answered sadly. “Do you know where she is? Flower told me that his wife is the one who packed her stuff and sent it to Dallas. Is that where she is?”

“The truth is I don't know, Nealer. She talks to me, but she won't tell me where she is. She left here and she did go to Dallas, to stay with her parents. She said it was too much though and she left after two days. I know she went to Tampa and had been staying with Stammer but she's not there anymore. She wanted to disappear so she did.”

“Disappeared?”

“Call Stammer; he’ll tell you.”

“He probably hates me too.”

“You’re right, we are all mad at you. You threw her away like trash over nothing.”

“I know.”

“I’d like to say I question that you ever loved her but I know that you do. You lash out when you’re hurt but the last person you should lash out at is her. You could’ve taken it out on me. I could have taken it. I know how it looked, I saw the pictures too, but you should have known that I think of her like a sister and it was my instinct to protect my family.”

“I know,” James replied softly. “I’m sorry.”

John sighed and James could picture him tugging at his hair. “Look, I think Steven knows where she went. He says he doesn’t, that she just left while he was at practice but I don’t believe him. I think she knows I’d forgive you and tell you, that PK would throw it at you like a weapon in a fit of rage, but Steven, his lips are sealed. He's known her the longest out of the three of us and they have a tighter friendship than I ever realized. Stammer picked a side in this, and it's not yours. But if you prove yourself worthy of knowing, I think he'll tell you what he knows so prove it.”



James did call Steven and despite laying his heart out, he would not give up where Alex was hiding out. James racked his brain trying to think of every place that Alex would go, and contacted every person he thought she might reach out to to hide out with. He contacted them all and no one knew where she was.

He called Paul in San Jose. She wasn’t there.

He called Craig in Nashville, Kathryn too. Not there.

She wasn't with her parents in Dallas. He dug up a number for Jamie Benn and had him check in with Tyler Seguin to see if he or Cam had seen her. They hadn’t.

She wasn’t with John and she wasn’t with Steven.

He called Shea Weber in Montreal. Alex hadn’t been close with him but Pekka was and Alex was nothing if not resourceful.

She wasn’t there either. He called his mom, told her everything, and she checked his house in Whitby. Empty.

It was now closing in on December, and his first trip back to Nashville was coming up fast. Alex had been planning to go to that game. He needed Alex at that game to get through it. He still didn't know where she was and the only reason he knew she was okay was because John told him. Why he gave him updates on her James would never understand. He definitely didn't deserve it, or a friend like John.

Steven on the other hand wouldn't budge on information and James knew that he knew where she was. He had tried begging and pleading for him to tell him so he could talk to her but he would end the call whenever James brought it up.

Five days before the game in Nashville, James gave it one more try.

“I know you aren't going to tell me how she is or where she is or anything, and I'm not asking you to,” James started. “I just have a question.”

“What is it Nealer?”

“Will you tell her something for me? Please?”

He sighed. “I'll consider it. What do you want to tell her?”

“Tell her that I'm sorry, and that I know words don't mean much given the way I've acted but I know I fucked up. I know that I shouldn't have let the things you said rattle me, and I should've been calling John as soon as I saw to thank him for keeping her safe.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “Stammer, please. Tell her that I love her and that I need her on Friday. I'm never going to make it through this trip without her watching me Friday night. I screwed up. I always screw up. But she makes me want to be better. God, she makes me want to be the person she sees, and not the one I see.”

Steven was silent and James fidgeted with his hands before clearing his throat. “Are you there?”

“She's with Richie.”

“What?”

“She's on Prince Edward Island with Brad Richards. It's our 25th anniversary season and we had a weekend celebration for the cup win back in oh four last month. Him and bunch of other guys from that team we're here. They reconnected, and she told him that the two of you had finally gotten together and he was happy for you both for figuring it out and then she told him what happened in New York. To be honest I'm surprised he didn't call you and read you the riot act. Anyway, when he left, she left too.”

“She's with Brad?”

“And his family. Don't tell her I told you. But make sure you tell her everything you just told me.”

“I have a game tonight.”

“Get scratched.”

“Are you crazy?”

“Do you want your girlfriend back or not?”

James rubbed his face and sighed. “I gotta call my coach.”