Him and I

After James got off the phone with his coach, he packed a bag, bought an airline ticket and called a cab for a ride to the airport. It was going to be an eight hour flight, including a nearly two hour layover in Toronto. When he finally made it to the airport on Prince Edward Island, it was late, he was exhausted, but James was also determined.

He had gone up there with Brad a few times when they had been teammates in Dallas and he had dug up the address by doing a deep dive in his email archives. He found a cab and gave the address and sat back for the ride.

As they pulled into the driveway, James spotted Brad crouched in the driveway changing a tire on his vehicle. He stood, watching the cab warily until James stepped out. A tight smile crossed his features and he just stared James as the cab pulled away. Brad had been a mentor when he was a rookie in Dallas, but he'd also been a brother to him. He had learned so much from him and tried to apply it all in his life and now here he was having made a complete mess of everything. He felt like a failure being here.

“What are you doing here?” Brad asked.

“I came to see Alex.”

“She's not here.”

“I know she's here, Richie.”

“Stamkos tell you?”

“Yeah, and I got the first flight I could get on. I just want to talk to her, please.”

“I can't make her talk to you.”

“I'm not asking you to. I'm just asking for a chance.”

“You're asking the wrong person. Come on; you can come inside but if she asks you to go, you go. Understood?”

“Got it.”

James followed Brad to the house and he did as Brad did, taking his shoes off at the front door. He hung his coat up and Brad motioned for him as they continued on.

He heard Alex before he saw her and his steps faltered as her laugh, and then her voice, carried out into the hall. His heart began to race and that feeling of determination he had felt at the airport fled him, replaced with panic and fear. Brad looked back at him when he stopped walking completely.

“What's wrong?” He asked.

“She hates me.”

“She doesn't hate you.”

“How can she not? I was such an asshole. I wouldn't even call her. I texted her. Who does that? I shouldn't have come.”

“Why did you come?”

“I love her. I love her so much and I don't think I've ever told her how much I need her. I want her to know how sorry I am. My life is so empty without her and it's all my fault.”

He looked at the ground, ashamed and embarrassed of himself. Tears stung his eyes and he tried to swallow the lump that was forming in his throat. She had put over three thousand miles between them and another country. That's how much she wanted to get away from him.

“I'm just gonna go,” he said quietly, turning on his heel for the door, his shoulders slumped.

“James?”

Alex's voice made the tears come. He could hear the strain in her voice mixed with surprise when she said his name. Brad came up beside him and handed him a tissue as his shoulders shook.

“It's okay, James. Just tell her what you told me and what I'm sure you told Steven. I know he didn't tell you where to find her without a good reason.”

“Brad and I will be upstairs if you need anything,” James heard Brad’s wife say softly to Alex. He heard their footsteps as they went up the stairs and then the sound of a closing door. James let out a shaky breath as he tried to wipe away his tears.

“You have a game today,” Alex said from behind him.

“They're saying I'm sick but coach knows I'm here.”

“Did Steven tell you?”

He turned to face her and the first sight of her face in a month nearly made him cry again. He missed her.

“Earlier today.”

“What else did he tell you?”

“Nothing else. John’s the one who tells me you're okay. Not that I deserve it but he talks to me.”

“He's too nice.”

“Yeah. I told him I was sorry, that I should've called to thank him for keeping you safe instead of thinking the worst. I don't deserve his forgiveness but he gave it anyway.”

“He's a good guy like that.”

“Yep.”

Words were failing James as they stood there just looking at each other. He wanted to touch her, to hold her, but his feet were glued in place. His mouth felt dry and his throat burned.

“Why don't we sit?” Alex suggested, motioning to the other room. James nodded and followed her. Alex sat in a chair and he sat on the couch. Their knees touched as he sat and his senses became overloaded with her scent as the perfume she loved hit his nose.

“Why are you here, James?” She asked after several minutes of silence passed.

He took a deep breath, one that was supposed to be calming but didn't make him feel any less nervous. “I wanted to tell you in person that I'm sorry.”

“I know you're sorry; John’s told me.”

“He did?”

“He's been championing for you.”

His eyes widened with surprise. “Really?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“But why? I was such an asshole.”

“That is the million dollar question.”

“I’m such a fuck up; how did I ever end up with a friend like Tavares?”

“He sees the good in you.”

“What good? The only good thing in my life is you and I can't even stop myself from messing that up.” He blew out a breath. “I'm sorry, Alex. For jumping to conclusions, for not talking to you. I shouldn't have let that article get under my skin. I shouldn't have let Steven get under my skin. I should have called John and thanked him. I should have called you and asked if you were okay. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.”
James pressed on before she could say anything. “I'm a fuck up. It's an established fact with a mile long rap sheet to prove it. But I want to be better than that guy. I want to always be the man you see, not the one I see, or the one everyone thinks they see. I want to be someone you're proud of every day.”

“James,” she interrupted him. “Are you proud of you?”

“Not particularly these days.”

“Don't you think you should want to be proud of you too though?”

He shrugged. “As long as I'm the man you believe I am, then I'm happy. And right now I know I'm not. But I'll do anything to prove it. I love you. Please, come to Nashville.”

“I don't know...”

“Please,” he begged. “I don't think I can do this without you there, Alex. I can't imagine being there without you in my corner. I need you.”

“I'll think about it.”

He studied her, drank her in really before sighing. “You hate me.”

“I don't hate you, James, but I'm still hurt over everything that happened, just like I know that despite you being here right now, you are too. I know I tease you, I know the guys tease you too, but I thought you knew it was just silly and harmless. And maybe it’s as much my fault as it is anyone's. I know it gets to you when I joke about John but I really thought you knew me better than that. I thought you knew how sure I was about you. I have loved you for a very long time, James Neal, and I know the last year has not been without its ups and downs for us but I never thought we’d be here.” She paused and took a breath. “More than anything I was devastated that you thought I could hurt you and cheat on you and that your instinct was to kick me out of our house.”

“I'm sorry, Alex.”

“I know you're sorry.”

“But you don't believe me.”

“No, I believe you. It's just...I wasn't prepared to see you and it feels like someone just ripped the band aid off. And to be honest, I'm a little pissed Steven told you where to find me.”

“I didn't think he was going to tell me. I've asked before, and he hangs up on me every time I bring you up. I asked him to tell you I was sorry, tell you everything I told you today, and that's when he finally told me and suggested I skip my game to fix things with you.”

“I can't believe you're missing a game.”

“I know that mistakes were made and I accept my part in them. But my life is nothing without you in it, Alex. I'm a mess and I just want to go back and change how I reacted and do it all better. I knew in my heart that nothing was going on with you and John. I knew that what we had was special and that nothing was going to come between us. I knew the guys liked messing with me because I let it bother me and they knew it got under my skin and once you let a hockey player know you’ve gotten to them then they will chirp at that one thing relentlessly. My friends are assholes, what else can I say?”

Alex giggled. “For the record, you choose them, not me. I’ve just had to accept them as a part of life.”

“My bad,” he smirked, feeling light for the first time in weeks. “Maybe I could get all new friends? I could get traded any day and end up in Philadelphia.”

“They have some gretty hair on that team, you’d fit right in,” she smiled.

“Would still be the best hair on the team though.” She shook her head at him and James scooted closer to her, putting his hand on her knee. “Look, I know that I let my head get in the way of things I know to be true in my heart. I will always be sorry for that. I'm yours, a thousand percent yours, and I want to fix us, and be better for you, if you'll have me.” He stood. “I'm going to go.”

Alex looked up at him with surprise. “You just got here.”

“I need to though. You need space. Just know that I'm waiting for you, however long it takes, whatever space you need. I love you, yesterday, today, and tomorrow. You're it. I hope I'm still that for you.”

He leaned down and pressed his lips to her forehead. “I love you with everything I have, Alex. Always.”



James flew back to Vegas and slept the next day. On Tuesday they played the Ducks at home and it took everything in James to focus on the game. On Wednesday he did what he should have done a long time ago; he sent a group text to John, Steven, and PK.

I know I screwed up with Alex. I know you guys are mad at me for what I did. I know that I have no one to blame but myself. I know we all chirp each other but I would really appreciate it if you guys could maybe lay off on the Alex has heart eyes for John bit.

For the record, I have never said that your girlfriend has heart eyes for me.

We all know you’re too noble to actually point it out to him, Johnny.

And we all know it’s your fault he overreacted, Stammer.

You texted it to me first Subby!

You guys are the worst friends I have ever had by the way.

Shut up, you love us.

I tolerate you, Steven.

Alex loves us.

Which is exactly why I still tolerate you guys.

Whatever. But yeah, I won’t tease you as much about your girlfriend being secretly in love with Tavares.

I’m still gonna kick your ass on the ice this weekend but I won’t remind you that Alex likes Johnny best while I’m doing it.

Gee thanks, Subby.

I’m sorry that this got so out of hand, James. I never meant for any of this to happen.

You couldn't predict that some jackass was going to try and mug her, Tavares.

I’m aware, Stamkos.

It’s not your fault, John. Well, being my girlfriends type is your fault but I guess I’ll let it slide since I know you would never do that to me even though I didn’t act like it.

Good to know. And if we’re doing something that bugs you, you gotta say so man.

Yeah, I’m realizing that. You know, maybe you guys aren’t complete assholes after all.

Oh, I am for sure going to rub it in your face that she likes Johnny best on Saturday night now.

I’m totally inviting Alex to Tampa for all star weekend and I’m definitely going to wear a speedo and show off my rocking bod.

You don’t even know if you’ll be an all star you jerk.

It’s in my house. Of course I’ll be an all star this year, Nealer.

You could get injured.

Thanks a lot for jinxing me, John.

Sorry.

You're so Canadian.

We’re all Canadian, PK.

Yeah, but John is like extra, extra Canadian.

That’s probably why Alex likes him.

Fuck you, Stammer!

Yeah I know you want to, Nealer but I’m just not into that. But hey, I’m proud of you for skipping a game to put yourself out there for Alex. Seriously, dude. That took guts. Respect.

Are you Derek Jeter now?

Have you heard from her?

You mean you haven't? I figured she’d call you first, John and talk about her feelings. Shit, I just realized my girlfriends best friend is freaking John Tavares. I’m fucked.

First of all, she called Steven first to yell at him.

Your girls a savage, Neal.

I know.

Second of all, you’re not fucked. I told her she should be in Nashville.

You did?

Of course. Why wouldn't I? All three of us told you this summer that you and Alex have something special, that we all wish we had something like it for ourselves. Do you still not believe it? We might enjoy messing with you about her too much, but when we said that we ship it, it wasn’t a joke. We all know there isn’t anyone Alex cares about more than you. You’re number one in her heart, James. I think you always have been; it just took awhile for you both to see it.

I wasn’t nice to her.

Which is why we expect you to be better this time.

I know, Stammer.

But PK is definitely going to murder you first this weekend.

Yeah, because I’m still pissed at you for causing her to nix her visit here. I didn't get any of that cake I like. I was really looking forward to that cake, asshole.

Note to self: never come between PK Subban and a cake again.